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If you're the praying sort, I'd uh, appreciate it.

#i would also appreciate your good vibes if youre not the praying sort #fran's personal posts #its uh. bad. this is meltdown number???#literally collapsed onto the kitchen floor sobbing #ive been panicking about hell for days #i am so afraid #the irony. panicking about hell when im not even sure im fully convinced by Christianity #deism/theism? sure #but like every bit and bob of christianity? im? hm #feels a lot like arguing and piecing together mismatched puzzle pieces from ancient historical documents #anyway. I'm sorry. idek what im doing #i want to seek goodness but idk where it is anymore #and im paralyzed by fear #my mother was even kind? i dont tjink shes actually taken care of me like that in....a decade?#im baffled by it #she didnt (and couldnt) solve the problem #but she tired. she sat with me. she even stayed up past her bedtime to sit with me #idk. im so afraid.#im going through the motions hoping something will stick #i can't even think about my little quibbles with christianity that are more denominational than anything #and which i think many times the orthodox church has the answers to #i would be less worried if it were just that #but the whole PREMISE of christianity? the original ecumenical councils?#is this OCD or am i damned

I can deal with many things but tbh Not This

#Fran's personal posts #im doing fine as long as i dont think about it #which is maybe cowardice #but if i even Think About Death or anything i panic #so i simply do not. i have people to love and meals to share #maybe that is enough #everytime i log in i see more anxiety inducing nonsense #im tired #i dont know ehat i believe #i believe in goodness. whatever the form. that is it

I got in THREE major assignments this week despite despite this being a nightmare time for me and I have no class tmrw and nothing due this week so I sat and played sdv for six hrs while listening to mbmbam and like....maybe I deserve this....as a treat

#i genuinely cried laughing #i have laughed while sober in at least a month #fran's personal posts #sometimes u just want to listen to siblings saying dumb shit for six hours #i am not a consistent mbmbam listener and mainly i just listen our of order essentially on shuffle #but when i DO listen i do it in large chunks #bc im just. a sad sop and i need the goofs

Actually I'm not done. You WILL learn to separate romantic affection and non sexual intimacy from sex or I WILL kill you

#fran's personal posts #im like the exact opposite of aro or ace #and yet everyday i understand their concerns more #there needs to be an avenue for intimate human connection that does not involve sex #Boston marriages and blood brotherships. bring that shit back or i will kill you and also myself #i am so angry and so sad #and honestly should probably like. seek medical attention #but honestly theres nothing they can do for me #i cant even sit and focus on my schoolwork #I'm so fuckin behind #i missed work today #i have sk much to make up and idk what to do #idk how to get a medical exemption since i dont actually have accommodations with the uni #this is just too much

I got a lil tipsy and zoom called my friends and MAYBE life is just absurd suffering but also maybe I'm too obsessive and take things too seriously and I can just love and be loved by my friends and we can make stupid jokes and that is good and I don't have to panic about mortality or morality 24/7 and I can just. Live. Be a person. Try my best.

#fran's personal posts #MAYBE im avoiding thinkin about religion for now #but i can find goodness regardless of what i believe its source is #and thats the most important thing rn #stay alive and functional #and i love and miss my friends SO MUCH #I JUST LOVE THEM A WHOLE LOT OKAY #im thinking back to the start of 2020 living near my friends and we're all finishing our theses #and we're happy and close and loved #it was the best time of mt life #i didnt appreciate it enough

I will not comment and argue with a smug post clearly made in bad faith. I will not comment and argue with a smug post clearly made in bad faith. I will not comment and argue with a smug post clearly made-

#fran's personal posts #HMMMMMMMMMMMM #yes it IS bc the Catholics are at it again #everyday i understand more deeply st jerome and hermits more generally #i may be a bitch but im also RIGHT #self reflection....is clearly not a skill that comes easily to people #nor does critical thinking #just bc doctrine NOMINALLY teaches one thing (which is dubious imo)#does not mean that the way it is lived by catholice and taught by clergy is not some other twisted harmful entity #and if you cant in good faith sit and discern the difference #and instead your response is to be smug and make jokes and make us look worse #then maybe you shouldn't be posting at all #yes even IF the original comment post criticism etc is disingenuous and in bad faith #someone making a bad faith post does NOT entitle you to respond in kind #smh #we're supposed to be holding ourselves to higher standards bc as per your claim we know the truth #and yet y'all rlly be out here clowning

The irony of my mother of all people comforting me (or trying to)????

How did several hours of crying turn into her discussing her (loose?) opinions on religion and faith and belief in being a good compassionate and loving person rather than legalism and dotting one's Is and crossing one's Ts wrt doctrine. I'm not a fool enough to out myself to her but she was still kind even thinking that my anguish was simply about all the queer folk I care about? (Which ultimately is true, I care more for others than myself anyway, I know I'm no good). I'm not saying she's right. I'm not saying she's wrong either though. I was just. Surprised. To hear it from her of all people. I was raised doom and gloom Catholic and yet she was progressive and kind? (Yeah some of y'all might call it heretical or anathema but I'm not in the mood rn for your shit) my father was suspiciously silent but he's also the bsstard that has been so callous to his own queer students and used trans folk as an example of heresy instead of something NORMAL like idk Trinitarian heresy

However, I would gladly trade not being in agonizing irresolvable religious crisis if it meant going back to being tense with her.

#fran's personal posts #im not fool enough to think our relationship is repaired by any means #there is a decades worth of trauma to account for #but the fact that she even tries to be kind #even if she is cruel with my father and struggles #idk. it was surprising is all #dont argue w me about religion and orthodoxy here i don't care and dont want to hear it #not rn probably not ever #she is not a theologian she's a housewife #and yet. i envy her blissfully ignorant faith #i wish i was stupid and unafraid of hell and of the vile legalism of the church #anyway i hate deontology and normative ethical theory #virtue theory or bust ig #it is better to discern honestly and try to do what you think right #than just blindly obey rules #controversial but also im not sorry #ultimately i don't think my core desire to be good is religious #its just what we owe each other as humans #abd i need to separate that from religious obedience which doesn't stem from love but from fear #it has never been a love of the divine or a desire for the carrot but rather always a fear of the stick #my life defined by fear of damnation #oh seek spiritual direction you say. ah well. when you find me a not shitty priest i will #i am tired of being manipulated and traumatized by those supposed shepherds #until then i am trying my best on my own #to do anything else will kill me. quite literally as this week has shown #and maybe im being presumptuous about my motives genuinely being good #i hope they are. i think they are #but there is always fear and doubt #though if god is not merciful and cannot see and understand that. then maybe that is not a god i care to serve or love anyway

>:(

#fran's personal posts #i was looking for a specific photo i took in italy but found prom photos instead #which like. isnt the worst thing bc i actually think my prom look aged better than most #but my prom date. i was suddenly viscerally reminded of what having feelings is like #i both miss/crave it and hate it #a childhood friend turned into will they wint they lovers #we never officially dated. he works some fancy IT job now and is datinf a blond conventionally attractive chick #its fine. i just? my mother also told me this week that she went for a walk and saw the parents of a guy i went to gradeschool with #they chatted (socially distanced) on the sidewalk. apparently their son had a msssive crush on me which seems unlikely #when he had the pretty blond girls withour bushy eyebrows and glasses #but anyway just. thinking. about those two stupid generic white boys being the closest I'll ever come to romance and affection #i know. i know. i AM working in decentering romance in my life #in multiple ways. in a general fuck you to society way and the idolization of marriage as the be all and end all of human relationships #as the only quote unquote acceptable avenue for love or intimacy #but also in a personal way in my life. knowing that with near certainty it is never something i am going to experience #no matter how much i want it ir how good i would be at it #and now im just. melancholy. again. kafka esque and unfit for any human relationship #im going to sleep. i havent read a single sentence in 3 hrs #i did nearly nothing today #i am so behind. i will have to do double the work tmrw #i will try again. i am so run down though #i need a month or two with routines still but with no academic or work or religious ir familial obligations #i need time to process and recover and get my head on properly #unfortunately none of these burdens can be set down. least of all religion. not even temporarily. not even if peaceful temporary ignorance #*if it would allow me to come back more refreshed and better equipped to engage with it all

#fran's personal posts

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#fran's personal posts