For every “forgive me, father” I receive in my inbox I’ll share a memory that haunts my muse with guilt.
During Batman: Year One. Jim’s thoughts on his unborn child, Jimmy.
Gotham city, just a nest of rats. Jim wondered why was he sent there, to the dirtiest place that they could think of, perhaps, they thought that it would be enough to finish him and break his will to remain faithful to his moral values and his trust in the system. Yes, he knew that was what they wanted and it wasn’t going to be so easy.
James Worthington Gordon, a man of his word, a man of his ego.
In one of the city bars, while remaining unknown to the public, Jim drinks a couple beers and stands there, alone, absently staring at the TV screen where a football game is playing, people talk, people complain, James thinks, he thinks of her, of his darling wife and that— obstacle, that mistake that is currently growing in her womb. A baby, a child. He thought of random things such as where to buy clothes for the boy, a good name, etcetera; just to cover other ideas that haunted his mind.
Regret, he blamed himself for what happened, he never intended to give Barbara such a heavy weight to carry. A human life for Christ’s sake… an innocent human life. A mistake. A terrible mistake.
There was no option but to face it, starting to picture himself as the father he thought the kid deserved. Guilt, an awful sense of guilt was what took over his body and— fear. God, how he hated to admit it, even to himself. Fear was a disgusting thing to feel, so common and yet so destructive. James had not learnt how to take that emotion on his favor, how to feed his will with it.
Lost the count of beers, lost the power to convince himself that he could face it.
Now, he had to raise a child, look everyday into his eyes, remembering that one moment when he despised the idea, where he called him a mistake and an obstacle to all he had ever wanted. How could he make a boy happy remembering that at first he thought he would bring nothing but problems to his life? That was not what a good father would do, but Jim had never been prepared to be a father at all.
The man saw it an awful act, but perhaps, it was just one of his selfless thoughts. Of course he wanted to form a family, have someone to take care of, see his wife smile everyday as a little boy grew happy, healthy. If only he could give up on Gotham and go to an actual happy, healthy place. What destiny being written for them? Death wasn’t nearly the worse thing.
