Jun 27, 2024
The French: They’re just like us.
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The French: They’re just like us.
What is French Parenting? A guide to the unique parenting style of France.
Many Americans are fascinated by the child-rearing practices of other countries, but those practices might be harder to import than they seem.
tiger moms, french parenting, dutch parenting
Bringing Up Bébé, Pamela Druckerman (F, 20s, brown hair, sunglasses, black top, black shoes, in line outside Hudson St US Passport Office)
A Cure for Hyper-Parenting?
Pamela Druckerman, NY Times, Oct. 12, 2014
PARIS--I recently spent the afternoon with some Norwegians who are making a documentary about French child-rearing. Why would people in one of the world’s most successful countries care how anyone else raises kids?
In Norway “we have brats, child kings, and many of us suffer from hyper-parenting. We’re spoiling them,” explained the producer, a father of three. The French “demand more of their kids, and this could be an inspiration to us.”
I used to think that only Americans and Brits did helicopter parenting. In fact, it’s now a global trend. Middle-class Brazilians, Chileans, Germans, Poles, Israelis, Russians and others have adopted versions of it too. The guilt-ridden, sacrificial mother--fretting that she’s overdoing it, or not doing enough--has become a global icon. In “Parenting With Style,” a working paper from the National Bureau of Economic Research, the economists Matthias Doepke and Fabrizio Zilibotti say intensive parenting springs from rising inequality, because parents know there’s a bigger payoff for people with lots of education and skills. (France is a rare rich country where helicoptering isn’t the norm.)
Hyper-parenting is also driven by science. The latest toddler brain studies reach parents in Bogotá and Berlin too. And people around the world are breeding later in life, when they’re richer and more grateful, so the whole parenting experience becomes hallowed. Scandinavians complain of “curling parents,” a reference to the sport in which you frantically scrub the ice to let a stone glide across it.
Twenty-first century parenting isn’t entirely illogical. Rather than trying to eradicate it, I suggest a strategy of containment: Rein in its excesses, and keep it from getting worse. Based on my own research, an unscientific reading of parenting literature, and a sample size of three kids, here are some key things modern parents should know:
Babies aren’t savages. Toddlers understand language long before they can talk. This means you can teach them not to pummel you with carrots at dinnertime, making your life calmer (and your floor cleaner). “Expect more from your children, and they will rise to it. Expect less, and they will sink,” Emma Jenner writes in the book “Keep Calm and Parent On.”
Seize windows of freedom joyfully, without guilt. Remember that the problem with hyper-parenting isn’t that it’s bad for children; it’s that it’s bad for parents. Between the mid-1990s and 2008, college-educated American moms began spending more than nine additional hours per week on child care; this came directly out of their leisure time. The greatest insight to emerge from France is that children’s birthday parties should be drop-offs. The other parents get three hours to go off and play.
Don’t just parent for the future, parent for this evening. Your child probably won’t get into the Ivy League or win a sports scholarship. At age 24, he might be back in his childhood bedroom, in debt, after a mediocre college career. Raise him so that, if that happens, it will still have been worth it.
Try the sleeping cure. Most parenting crises are caused by exhaustion. Force yourself to observe the same nighttime rituals as your toddler: bath, book, bed. When you feel an adult tantrum approaching, give yourself a timeout.
Have less stuff. Messiness compounds the chaos of family life.
Don’t worry about overscheduling your child. Kids who do extracurriculars have higher grades and self-esteem than those who don’t, among many other benefits, says a 2006 overview in the Society for Research in Child Development’s Social Policy Report. “Of greater concern,” it noted, “is the fact that many youth do not participate at all.”
Don’t beat yourself up for failing to achieve perfect work-life balance. The French have national paid maternity leave, subsidized nannies, excellent state day care and free universal preschool, and yet they blame the government for not helping parents enough. We Americans have none of the above, yet we blame ourselves.
Teach your kids emotional intelligence. Explain that, for instance, not everyone will like them. “When a girl meets a new person, she often automatically strives to be likable, even before she has decided whether or not she likes the new person herself,” Rachel Simmons writes in her book “The Curse of the Good Girl.” “Tell your daughter to switch the order: Size up the person before you start worrying about what she thinks of you.”
Transmit the Nelson Mandela rule: You can get what you want by showing people ordinary respect. When Mr. Mandela heard that an Afrikaner general was arming rebels to prevent multiracial elections, he invited the general over for tea. The journalist John Carlin writes that Gen. Constand Viljoen “was dumbstruck by Mandela’s big, warm smile, by his courteous attentiveness to detail” and by his sensitivity to the fears of white South Africans. The general abandoned violence. Remind your kids that this technique also works on parents.
It really is just a phase. Unbearable 4-year-olds morph into tolerable 8-year-olds.
Don’t bother obsessing about what you think you’re doing wrong. You won’t screw up your kids in the ways you expect; you’ll do it in ways you hadn’t even considered. No amount of hyper-parenting can change that.
Pamela Druckerman is an American journalist and the author of “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.”
oceanage
When you do I hope we can discuss it. :) I said to Jeremy, "Someone asked me about French Parenting and I feel like a kid in a candy store."
It is tough for me to define my style of parenting, I don't agree with any one style in particular. However, Jeremy and I were discussing today how much her behaviour has improved since implementing our four meal plan and about how her eating habits have drastically changed. Life is easier and more predictable. Jeremy says he feels better since this minor yet major lifestyle change.
Can you tell me more about this French parenting you've been doing or read up on?
Hey, gladly. I am still looking and researching and taking what I like. If anyone has anything to add or if I messed something up please correct me. Through my blog you will find books I have read. I also read articles. I don’t know if I posted them.
From what I gather the French are very strict, what intrigued me is that French children seem to eat everything and be usually calm. I never did attachment parenting or traditional parenting and I was in-between styles. More go with the flow. I read bringing up Bebe and this was an eye opener. French mothers don’t appear to have the guilt we have. Now there are something’s I don’t love but I will give you what I have taken.
The French view children as rational beings who need to be taught how to survive in an adult world. Meaning the French are strict about certain things and relaxed about everything else.
1. encouraging independence (we have always done this by more so now) while I do play with Sierra I encourage her not to interrupt me and talk about mutual respect. When she does things on her own I tell her good job but don’t make a big deal out of it because she needs to do these things.
aka. pause before you react and don’t make a big deal out of little things, children need to learn to sit with emotions. (I like to be there for guidance)
2. The biggest change is meal time. French children eat what their parents eat. They sit through four courses (including breakfast) They do not snack between meals except for the four thirty snack, then dinner around seven. Eat home made natural food.
I tell Sierra as the French do, “you don’t have to like it, you don’t have to eat it, but you have to try it.”
The French believe you need to try something a number of times all presented in different ways, example: carrots: one week carrot soup, in a couple of weeks carrot salad. French people know ages 2-4 Children are picky but do this anyways.
We have begun family meals, meaning we all sit down. We set the table so that mealtimes are a big ordeal. We all talk about our day including Sierra. I will be buying table cloths so Sierra can dress the table. Make meal times exciting.
The biggest thing, if she is snacking (even on fruit) she wont eat her meals. So I encourage her to try dinner and fruit will be a course.
Food is not a punishment or reward food is for eating with company and enjoying. Meals should be joyful no fighting about eating, the biggest thing is allowing ourselves to be hungry in-between meals. French parents also rely on their social services to make food education on priority.
We encourage her to slow down and talk about what the food looks like and tastes like.
3. Early bed time , children should get ready for bed after dinner and go to their rooms for adult time. I have compromised. We have adult time but Sierra can participate. I also let Sierra sleep with us when she wants.
I hope this helped a little. I answered publicly so others could help if inclined. Would love to discuss this further as it is a huge complex topic as you can tell:p
It has been a week since we have stopped snacks and began family meals. Sierra I trying new things although still picky.
Like the French we do a four thirty snack and a later dinner!
She doesn't complain she I hungry in between meals and eats well at meal times. She adores family mealtime.