to be honest ive been. avoiding front lately. told everyone im just off for a break!! and dipped.
but. i dont really feel needed. kai's been reaching out to everyone and talking with them just fine. varu looks to be the one everyone wants to meet. internally theres proxy and octavier and xiao and i just. i dont know. what's the point of me being here? nobody's asked for me and i know i should be communicating about it but i feel like ive asked for so much attention lately that its just not fair, other people are busy and stressed with their own lives too. but nobody has noticed that im gone and it hurts but i also wonder. what is the point of me exactly. other than being a so called "host". a supposed core that doesnt. really do anything
i just feel selfish and terrible for being selfish for asking attention when one of our alters just died and i know everyone is handling that which is a much bigger problem than me i feel. but still. i dont know
its weird seeing all of this from a third person perspecitve. my headmates are trying to convince me all of this is valid and i can see that their line of thinking is a lot clearer and more well adjusted than mine but its like i cannot understand it or perceive it. like im not actually hearing their voices. im stuck somewhere below the water and i dont know how to get out.
but i dont know. i still feel like i dont deserve to front anymore. i dont know whwre to steer this life anymore and it looks to me that someone else has it better figured out
