Let Me Hold Onto You - B.B
Summary: The aftermath of the events of I Should Have Stayed.
Pairings: FATWS!Bucky Barnes x Plus Sized! Fem!Reader (established relationship), Soldat x reader
Warnings: angst, whump, reader was injured, reader and bucky argue, bucky is an idiot, soldat is well soft and smutty, torture, angst, some fluff, mild mention of smut, being eaten out (soldat's hungry), feels, emotional hurt, reader feels neglected, making out, emotional messes?, crying, PTSD fuelled dreams. lots of angst, bucky really is going through it on the inside, hints of softdark!soldat
AN: this took me 3 rewrites to get where i wanted it, i hope ya'll enjoy it!
Word Count: 5.8k || Dividers: @firefly-graphics
Masterlist // AO3 // This Feeling I’ve Got AU Masterlist
Also please note for easy readability:-
When bucky and soldat / james / jamie speak inside his mind the sentences are in italics With soldat’s dialogue in single inverted commas and bucky’s in double
Example:
spoken aloud:
‘I am here Kotenok’ soldat/james / “I am here kitten” bucky
internal conversation:
‘You’re an idiot’ soldat / james’ internal speaking “I know I am,” Bucky’s internal internal speaking
Present.
Bucky Barnes thought he knew self hatred intimately. The kind where even peaceful lakes would reflect only azure disdain. Over years the hatred had healed into a muted commentary. Possibly a distorted radio channel that a person connected to after leaving city limits. Lowly humming then gaining crescendo. Ringing in his ears and consuming every damn thought.
He watches you carefully. Moving around the apartment with unfamiliarity. Shifting the bread box at each pass from the hall to the kitchen. Never quite satisfied with how it sat. He watches your shoulders sag for a moment; then you bring them back up on guard. It seems faking it was a common theme between you both.
‘Coward.’
A huff escapes him. The condensation blooms in the pattern of humourless laughter. Of course his awakened counterpart called him a coward. Rightly so.
Because you were inside. Inside the new apartment. Eight weeks since he realised the minute the words that had left his mouth, he messed up.
Now he was sheltered by the cold and by his attempt at protection. With himself placed in the run down building opposite to you. High-tech equipment is his second companion. The third is coffee and food.
‘Why did you not fight harder?’
Bucky closes his eyes. The soldier hated his decision. Hell, he hated his own decision. Even you—no.
Two months ago when he utter his explanation, you didn’t hate him. You looked at him as if you knew. You knew. You knew his plan. All because you know him.
‘Of course she knew. She knew you’d take on the guilt. She knew you were only being a decent man. Staying by till she was rehabilitated. She knew you were going to end things with her for her safety. She knew she couldn’t stop you.’
“She could have stopped me.” Bucky responds dejectedly. This conversation played on loop as if an ear-worm song that was both salvation and punishment.
Soldat—no, James. You allowed ‘the asset’ to reclaim a name. Therefore James laughs, mockingly.
‘She was begging with her eyes.’ James roars. ‘Kotenok was aching much more than just within muscle and bone. You never healed her heartache in those past months and now we have to watch her sob into a pillow on an unfamiliar bed. Alone. Alone like you. Alone for the longest time waiting for someone to see you. Alone like me!’
“So you did not want to be seen by her?” Bucky finds speaking in his own head different. The voices wouldn’t crash against each other. He could hold a conversation with James and still be able to understand if someone was speaking to him in person.
‘She is the only person who saw me. You think I do not replay her cries to me? The ones at the base that awoke me and those from her sleep?’
Before he can reply the auditory enhancer picks up a sob. He stares out his window, into yours, the first few days and nights he felt bile at resorting to these methods to keep an eye on you.
This. This is what took the podium, your pain injected his self hatred.
‘It claws at the chest.’ James feels the reverberation within his shared ribcage. Your crying had quelled but not stopped. He wondered why. Why would you still cry for someone as him? Torn between two consciousnesses.
Bucky silently agrees. You needed someone less—,
‘Idiotic? Stupid? Has lost the ability to know whats good for him?’ James cuts him off.
“Broken.” Bucky releases an annoyed huff, rolling his eyes then closing them.
James opens his eyes. Immediately finding you at crumpled on the bed. Curled up sniffling. Swaying between sleep and more tears. Clutching onto the pillow as if it would keep you alive. But you’re traversing the planes of slumber and staying awake. Another battle he watches you fight when he takes over.
“Please, please, please,” Your voice cracks between syllables. Slowly your breathing evens out the tiredness of the day and breakdown forcing you to sleep.
He watches you, both of them do. The world once held in mismatched hands now lays alone. Hands devoid of warmth. Heart devoid of fullness.
‘It pains me I lost her as she helped me find some semblance of myself.’ James curls his fingers, knuckles whitening as you whimper.
“Let me take the lead.” Bucky insists. Both know what comes next if this is a PTSD triggered dream.
‘I will control.’
“You have none.”
‘I will not harm her.’
“I know that. I know you’d rather burn in our self hatred. We cannot sneak into the apartment again.”
‘You know controlling that urge since her loss has dwindled. If she were close I could still stop myself.’
The internal conflict stops, as your pained cry reaches them. Bucky watches you turn in the bed. Pushing away the blanket dragging yourself to one corner. Clutching up the sheets between your fingers. Backing away from the source of your nightmares.
James rubs at his sternum, the ghost of your touch is a memory that haunts him. Vibranium palm unable to mimic the feeling you brought forth. He missed how you accepted him. Accepted his darkness. Became the light he could focus upon and see himself. Not with disgust. Not with guilt. He could finally see his hands and not see only red. He could look in the mirror for longer.
He hated allowing you to suffer through the nightmares. You’d help him escape countless ones.
“Bucky, James,” Your voice pleads unlocking the pandora’s box from the aftermath of you being snatched away from the only home Bucky knew.
Immediately after the events of I Should Have Stayed (ISHS)
Bucky paces the length of your private room. Transported to the nearest specialty hospital working with the Avengers. The monitor beeps in tandem. His steps synchronised to your heartbeat.
“It is a medically induced coma.” The doctor explained to him signing off after checking on your vitals.
‘She looks frailer.’ Soldat observes, flicking the gaze away from the doctor. Bruises had begun to mar your skin.
“Is, is—Will she going to wake up on her own ability or will you taper the dosage?” Bucky hoped to see your eyes. It let him in, a way he knew how to interpret you. A language of his own formulated with you. For now your eyes were closed, tubes connected to you.
“We will taper it, the physical pain manifested as the adrenaline wore out. Given what all we saw of the tapes and data. She held up with a lot more mental fortitude.” The doctor only offers a polite smile, “She’s proven she has the mental strength. However, her body will require recovery. We cannot anticipate if her mental strength has run out.”
“She shouldn’t have had to go through all of that.” Bucky’s palms curl into fists. If only he could revive the fuckers and kill them again.
“The extent of her injuries is severe, hairline fractures. A few grade 2 torn ligaments. Her scans for the brain and spine are clear for any neurological deficits so we are happy. However the psychological aspect will still remain a mystery till she awakens.” The doctor moves closer to the IV Injections machines checking on the settings.
‘I wouldn’t mind a round two. More torture for them.’
He chuckles at Soldat’s words and the doctor eyes him with caution. Another polite mumbled greeting then the door opens with the white coat man retreating.
‘Can’t take a man planning vengeance and being happy about it’
“We will have to work on this new development.”
‘We will, however I do not feel bound to you or repressed. Or in a deep slumber.’
“It feels how it did after Wakanda.” Bucky closes his eyes.
Soldat takes centre stage when they open. His relaxed but alert posture shifting. Tension in his shoulders rose. Taking over him was the stature of a soldier never given the command to be at ease after the decree of being at attention.
Soldat walks over to you. Grasping one of the palms that trusted him. Calloused fingers curling around scabbed ones. His head hangs low. Failing in his mission to completely protect. To save. Your one request unhonoured.
‘Kotenok’ He whispers, ‘Never again, never again will harm come to you.’
Your fingers curl in the slightest around his own. As though you’ve accepted his oath.
“You realise what you’re promising?” Bucky knows no thought is hidden from the other. He had to stay away. You couldn’t remain a target. A stepping stone to get to him.
‘Do you realise you are promising on breaking her heart?’
The two remain silent. Opting to just pray for your injuries to heal. Praying these memories do not scar you. They do not mar your dreams.
However, as all of Bucky’s wishes and prayers it goes unanswered.
One Month After ISHS
The hospital trips were getting to you. Maybe you could have agreed to move into the compound. Utilise the facilities there but something about using resources meant for those protecting the civilians left a bad taste in your mouth.
Bucky’s knee bounced as the physical therapist wheeled you towards the parallel bars. You don’t know how had your bones gotten hairline fractured. You don’t remember any hits to your lower body. There was a lot your dreams reminded you of what happened. Looping the man you adored’s broken expression. The way you were losing him before that night. The way you wanted him to fight for the two of you.
Grabbing the bars, doing a upper body pendulum. You haul yourself up. It had gotten easier. The upper body strength being worked upon at home as well. Steadying the weight transfer between both lower limbs. You swayed slightly.
James was behind you, hands on your hips. Steadying you. The development was still new. You hated being touched by anyone that wasn’t him. The thought made you sick and anyone coming close to you would send your heart into an anxious rhythm.
Blinking and the soft squeeze from his hands brings you back to the task at hand. It was easy to know James had taken over. The posture was much more guarded that Bucky’s and his eyes wouldn’t let you in at all.
“Okay now, one step at a time. Mr Barnes will you walk behind her? Yes perfect—I’ll be at the front.” The Physiotherapist requests.
Wordlessly the positions are taken.
‘You alright, Kotenok?’ Gently his hands lighten in their weight as he moves his them a little away but ready to catch you.
“I am. But Just a little worried about tripping.” You chuckle, hoping some humour lightens the hard work that is about to come. On cue taking the first wobbly step, the light pain shoots up your leg.
Your grip on the bar tightens. Expression twisting and a grimace taking over your features.
‘Breathe.’ James whispers.
You nod, following suit. The next step a little easier the healing on one leg was better.
‘Well done, Kotenok.’ He whispers when you balance yourself without having to rely on either of them. You do feel your cheeks warm at the praise.
“Good just ten more steps to go.” You’re physiotherapist gives periodic encouragement.
James’ quiet support carries you forward more.
After the first round you watch the switch occur. Bucky kisses your temple. Another indicator he was more open in his affection.
“You did really good, Kitten.” He praises, yet again heating your skin.
Jackets and coats worn again as you both make your way to the parking area. The bike wasn’t viable anymore. The SUV is first checked by Bucky and then he lifts you up into it.
“Baby?” You say before he can let you go. Your palm cups his cheek.
His blue eyes meet yours, softening his gaze as he lets his guard drop for this private moment. His vibranium fingers cover yours palm. Turning his head slightly his lips softly brush over your fingers.
‘She doesn’t seem injured.’ James frets, using the other available senses to keep him informed. He’d be damned if his stormy sea was taken away from the shore that were your eyes before you looked away.
“Thank you, for helping me.” You say appreciative of his time and effort. The conversation about before was still pending but it wasn’t a priority to discuss.
Bucky smiles, “Kitten, you don’t have to say thank you.” Kissing your palm again and then kissing your cheek. “You want to grab dinner or cook at home, well watch me cook?” He winks drawing a giggle.
“If you’re up to it, I’d like to watch you cook.”
‘You need to also talk.’ James reminds.
“Your wish my command.” Bucky says as an answer to you and his counterpart.
By the time you both reach home, you’re tired.
James observes and advises that the conversation can be tabled for another day. Watching you smile and lose the tension in your shoulders.
Smearing a dollop of whipped along your cheek and doing the same to him when James was the one to turn around to ask you something. Bucky and he had begun to switch mid conversation at times, the fluidity didn’t bother you it was easy to interact with both of them.
It was silent for a few moments. The shadowed soldier not knowing the protocol. He stared at you, eyes narrowed.
‘You are to lick this off, Kotenok.’ His accent grew heavier. ‘Go on.’
Hands on either side of you, resting on the counter. A mirth you’ve seldom seen in the caged away soldier’s eyes. Different to the happiness Bucky carried around you. He’s beautiful through and through.
“I um—,”
‘No excuses.’
“You sure?”
‘Positive.’
“I see you enjoy teasing her.” Bucky muses, watching you contemplate how to go about this development.
‘What can I say? I’ve watched your memories of you in worship.’
With a gentleness he only knew by your hand James allows himself to memorise the way you touch him. The way your legs wrap around his hips, your fingers gently grazing over his jaw and then your breath, warm against his cheek before your lips move to help clean the dollop of whipped cream.
The air seemed to be charged. It had been a while, being physical with your man. Teasing touches here and there, kissing yes, but you craved more of him.
James tilts his head, lips brushing over the remnant cream over your bottom lip. He groans, the sound has you tighten your legs around him.
‘May I?’
He’s close, so close to just wanting to taste your mouth. To learn the more intimate parts of you. You watch him grip the edge. Waiting for your consent.
“Yes,” Its more breathless that you’d like, but you watch James close his eyes. A calm expression taking over his features and then he presses his lips to yours, needy. Greed being at the forefront of his actions. Palm gripping the back of your neck, moving to your hair.
His tongue moves, not seeking permission. He wants to taste you. James can’t believe how you feel when he is at the forefront. So soft, beautiful and strong. Your hands move along his chest and then his shoulders.
“Fucking beautiful.” Bucky groans, every but of you being felt by every bit of him. He wanted to drink in every moan, every soft sound, every last drop of ecstasy that was sourced from you.
You’re letting him take the lead, the kiss is messy. The whipped cream cutting through the heat of the moment. Adding a sweetness to the rough edge of James’ kiss. His other hand grips your hip, pulling you to the counters edge. Flush against his growing hardness.
You moan as he bites on your bottom lip. Hips rutting against you.
“Baby, oh,” You’re cut off. The way he grinds against you. Lighting an inferno within you, “Jame-Jamie is Bucky—,” The nicknames slip out.
“Baby, I’m fucking good, let us have a taste, please.” Bucky pulls back again, James won’t let him take any control now.
The little nickname awoke a more primal part of him. Claiming him in a way that felt safer. Making him feel wanted and needed by you.
‘You keep calling me that Kotenok and I’ll stay on my knees for you till this world turns to ash.’ James promises.
“Jamie more, please,” You’re desperate as his hips begin rutting harder into you. The ache building within, you needed him. He lifts you up, lips latch onto your pebbled nipples through the fabric of your tank top.
Your moans the only sound in the apartment. Your fingers tugging him closer. James rips the measly shorts. Your glistening folds calling his name.
‘Eyes on me, my good little girl.’
Your thighs tremble at the first stripe he licks. James thought he could control himself. No. No he couldn’t.
“Jamie,” Your mind blanks as he suckles on your clit. No longer was he following some pattern. A man starved, aching, waiting to feast. You’re at his mercy. And he’s the one bringing you to salvation.
His fingers are added, tongue lapping at your cunt. The combination holds a sporadic rhythm that has you delirious. His name falls from your lips. A debauched prayer.
The coil snaps, you’re caught off guard by how deep you’re pulled into the pleasure. James doesn’t stop your orgasm flooding his senses.
The sight of you spread out for him. The sounds of his name and your moans. The taste of your pussy and your tears of pleasure. The touch of your fingers tugging him closer to you. The smell of your lotion and perfume lingering on his body.
He kisses either thigh and then the apex of your pelvis. You feel as if you’re floating. On the high of your orgasm. James shifts the two of you into a comfortable position.
Then the slight pain creeps up from your legs. Fucking hell. You bite down a whimper.
‘Did I hurt? Kotenok, I’m,’ James begins to back away from you. Fretting over the harm he caused yet again. You grab onto him.
“Don’t leave, its just the usual pain. I did get clearance for light to moderate intensity sex.” You don’t relent your hold on him.
James slowly moves his palms over your thighs. Gently massaging them. The circular motion eases the pain, distracting you. The pain eases after a few more minutes.
He feels the tension leave your muscles.
“Do not switch.” You warn him. Grabbing his jaw and making him look at you. Knowing he may choose to self inflict punishment and guilt. “Do not run from me, its not that I don’t want Bucky its just.”
“I know, Kitten.” Bucky wants to say but he wouldn’t force his way. He knew this would get muddled. The more you accepted him the more he would put onto the plate. No matter how much of a tight leash he’d keep around the problems.
“Please.” You beg, close to sounding broken.
Tears brim his eyes. James never allowed himself to be weak. To show a hint of weakness.
“You need to reassure her.” Bucky advices, tearing up on the inside.
‘Only for you to break her in a few days’ time Comrade?’ While he is conflicted in his emotions he wouldn’t use an exit strategy.
“Jamie,” You plead with him. You can’t have him blame himself. You can’t have Bucky blame himself. Your fingers moving along his scalp. Softly running your fingers through his hair. Trying to tether him to this moment.
He closes his eyes, pulling you closer to him. Laying in bed, you tucked right into his arms. You keep running your fingers through his hair.
“You didn’t get to finish.”
‘It is about your pleasure, Kotenok.’ He dismisses your thought, ‘Its not that I don’t want to feel more of you, you’re cleared for light to moderate which means breaks.’
“Okay.” You agree, placing a kiss to his collar bone, since he had you tucked against himself. His scent surrounds you as does his warmth.
Heartbeat and breathing a soothing lullaby that you can’t fight against at the moment. Slumber takes you into its shade.
His fingers continue making comforting memories on your skin. Erasing the harshness away.
Bucky stares down at your sleeping form.
He needed to pull away.
3 months after ISHS
It reminds you of those little tests at the eye doctor. The hot air balloon blurs in and out of view. Growing distant then closer. Then distant. You always forget to ask the optometrist what it means, the purpose of it. How does the interpretation of the result occur?
That is how it feels to have Bucky with you. Close then gone far away. It was clear you were losing him. You were holding onto a rubber band but he held the other end of it. If either of you let go the pain that would follow seemed more terrifying than the pain HYDRA inflicted upon you.
Maybe you were wrong. Maybe equating these two events in your life was wrong. One would reckon being tortured faired worse. The flashes that curbed you during the day had reduced in frequency. The nightmares were still a problem.
It seemed as if the roles were reversed. You used to be Bucky’s anchor for his nightmares and now he’s the one who soothes them away. Protecting you from them. James would always coax you awake from nightmares where you’d be reliving calling out to him. Those were the worst because they’d twist into him being used by HYDRA. Captive again, because of you.
‘Kotenok?’ He kneels in front of you, worry pouring out of his demeanour. ‘Come back to me.’
Fingertips brushing against your cheek. His thumbs tenderly trail over your jawbone. You meet his worried gaze as you pull yourself put of the spiral of thoughts.
‘There she is,’ James’ shoulders relax in the slightest.
“You feel far away.” It slips out before you cans stop it.
‘I’m right here.’ He kisses your forehead.
“We both know she isn’t talking about that.”
‘You think I don’t know?’
“You don’t show it.”
‘Coward.’
“You’re hiding right here with me.”
‘Fuck you.’
“I’ve delayed the inevitable enough.”
‘Piece her back together then break her. I thought she described you once as kintsugi.’
“The gold holding her broken pieces.”
‘She is the gold.’
“She is.”
“Jamie,” Your palms cover his own. Breathing a little easier. The island of refuge amongst the waters that threatened to drown you. But he’s about to put you onto a life raft and shove you away from shore.
The words are on the tip of your tongue. Something inside you doesn’t want him to say the words.
You watch him look over you, cataloguing the smallest of changes.
The words sour your tongue. Bitterness spreading from the back of your mouth to your lips. A wave of nausea crashes over you a feeling akin to being pulled under its current. Brows scrunched you pull your face away from him. A wobbled attempt to stand has you sway.
‘Kotenok?’ James’ arm wraps around your waist, taking most of your weight carrying you over the to the bathroom. The cool metal soothing the heat spreading across your skin.
“Whats wrong, kitten?” Bucky pushes your hair away as he sets you down on the tilted floor.
Palm pressing against your mouth you can only wave him to go away before your knees buckle and the porcelain jabs against your diaphragm.
Dry heaves fill the bathroom, his palm moves soothingly over your back. You thought these were over. The physical symptom your anxiety brought along with it.
“Here,” The ice cold water filled glass is brought to your lips. After a sip you hold it in your hands.
“I need to say something,” You begin, not meeting his eyes at first, Bucky kneels across from you.
He reaches for you, “Anything, kitten,”
“No.” You wonder how is your voice level.
Bucky blinks, hands halfway to you. Dread firing across each nerve ending like lead. He runs through everything. As does James. You never stopped him from offering comfort with his touch. It is a shared love language between the two of you.
“I,” A deep inhale, “What I’m about to say, I don’t want to—I have to.” Tears gather across your downcast gaze searching for an escape.
“You can always share whatever is on your mind with me.” Bucky assures.
‘I do not like where this is headed.’
“Neither do I.”
“But I have to say it, because, if I—,” A shaky breath, just a few more syllables then you could cry, “Because if I say it, it will be just a fear but if you say it, if you say it, it will be the truth.”
You finally look up at him and he closes his eyes in pain. The glass slips, falling on the carpet near the tub. Your palms cover your face.
Your sobs sear themselves into Bucky’s memory. Carving a space into the worst of his memories. Taking the mantle. A macabre creation of his mind. A podium of the nightmares experienced.
Bucky can’t speak, nor can James. Neither of them have any clue what to do. The helplessness, the inability to touch you. You’ve said no. You’ve said no and his arms are filled with lead. Human designed and nature given. They weigh heavy.
He says your name. Then your nickname.
He says your name. Then your nickname.
You’re curled away from him. Heart finally shattering.
The gauze, the wound dressing, the stitches you were trying to do all failed. All failed and undo the cracks around your heart. The mended scars unravelling one by one.
You’re sure there is no pain greater than this, and if there is you don’t want to remember what the emotion could be. You do not want to know.
It’s all a blur after that moment. A blur because it echoes as if a siren sound calling you to your ruin.
Bucky’s admittance, why he thought breaking up would benefit your safety. The anxiety he carried. The guilt. The love for you. The way he wanted to be selfish to stay with you. To protect you but he failed once. That was enough to tell him he wasn’t the right person for you. The way he thought this was the right call.
James stayed quiet through it all. Giving over the reign to Bucky. He watched in pain as it played out. He knew Bucky would gain momentum. Soldat had been dormant far longer than his awakening.
Bucky knew Soldat would wrap around you like a chain. Not let you go, not allow you to be safe.
You wanted to scream his name out loud. Summon him from the depths Where he shadowed himself. You wouldn’t, you couldn’t.
‘Stop her from leaving. Please.’
“I cannot.”
The bags were packed. You were grabbing the last few items strewn across the impromptu apartment in the tower.
Every fibre inside of him is screaming. Clawing. Trying to imbibe some sense. The fucked up self preservation wanting you there. His calm. His refuge. His everything. Bucky clenches his fists, arms crossed over his torso. Restraining himself.
You feel his presence towering over you from behind. Trapped between the chest of drawers and his chest.
“Jamie.” Your voice is soft, your head hangs in defeat as his forehead rests against your temple. He breathes in deeply.
James grabs the edge of the furniture. It splinters at the force of just his restraint.
“Its okay.”
‘It isn’t.’
“Its what he wants.”
‘What about what you want?’
“I want, I want us. Him, you, me. He thinks this is good for well… I don’t know but if he’s less stressed without me…”
‘I’ll take over, I’ll keep him at bay.’
“I can’t allow that Jamie, I can’t have that happen again.”
‘Tell me to disappear then, command me to the deepest trenches of my mind.’
“I can’t do that.”
‘There is a difference. You won’t.’
“I won’t.”
‘Oh, Kotenok.’ He brings his arms around you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. Your fingers run through his hair. Moisture greets your skin. Rivulets trace old paths of his lips. Tears marking your skin.
You both stay that way, he holds you. He mourns. He could never show vulnerability, longing for anything but the words to rest after missions.
“My sweet soldier.” You kiss his hair, sniffling as well, “I love you.”
‘I love you, moye spaseniye (my salvation)’
You’re released. You kiss his cheek.
“I love you, Bucky.”
“I love you, Kitten.”
Present
‘How much longer.’
“You know she must say the words and not just our names.”
‘Fuck you.’
“I admitted I was wrong. Losing her is far worse than failing her.”
‘But nothing is worse than hurting her.’
“No, no, no please—,” You sob, into the mattress.
‘For fucks sake,’
“We do not intervene till she calls out, sleep or awake.”
The dream started off beautifully. The diner and Bucky had come inside within time. Some old music played from an actual jukebox. You teased him about being from the era. Bucky smiled at you.
He made some joke in the dream. Crinkly eyed grin being your reward. And then Bucky’s smile dropped. Dread flowed through your veins. The atmosphere cold. The packed diner now empty.
The dream continued as Bucky stared at something, rather someone. You turn and James stands there, in all of his tactical gear. Eyes vacant. Focused on Bucky.
No, you want to yell.
As if knowing what was about to occur.
James falls to his knees. Bucky grabs your hand. He had to lead you to safety.
Your hand feels weightless.
Bucky’s on the floor. Brows furrowed and face pinched in pain. Sparks light up his side.
Your wail echoes through the dream. Red seeping from his shoulder the mounting plate torn from him. When you look over at James he’s the same way.
No, no, no, no. Hands grasping your head. You tug at your hair. Gaze frantic something anything. You grab your forgotten coats pressing them into Bucky’s side and then running over to James to do the same.
Then a shadow looms over you. Gone is the imagery of the diner. Pushing yourself off the floor running without looking back.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” The man with the scar speaks, his gentle cadence a match for your run.
“You know what to do.” He sing songs. Old laughter rumbles through the dream and your footing loses balance.
Crashing onto the floor, cuts grace your palms. You know whats coming next. It was one of the worser dreams of the nightmare catalogue.
The red lights flicker above, you can’t keep track if the camera is recording or not. You’d never allow them to capture directly the hurt. You knew they’d use it against Bucky.
The restraints dig into your skin. The scenes changing rapidly. Rust and mildew is what fills your senses. You wait for the knuckles to greet your cheek for the pain to embrace you as an old friend.
It doesn’t.
‘Kotenok,’ “Kitten,” the two words reverb around each other. Looking around at the source there is nothing.
It had been weeks since you saw him. Your source of comfort the sweatshirts and Henley held by you in rations for his comforting scent.
This was twisted even for your mind. Bright warm light fills the room you were held in at the HYDRA Base.
“Wake up, please wake up.” You whisper. Eyes tightly screwed shut. “Please. Please.”
“I’m here now.” ‘You’re safe, trust that.’
The warm sunlight mars the darkness even further, staring down you can’t even see your own self.
Bucky’s arms circle around you. Clutching you tighter as you begin to thrash in his hold. He could only say guidances you had used for his PTSD induced dreams.
Your uneasiness settles, breathing evening out. As does your heartbeat. It reminds him of months ago when you’d had your first dream about losing him. A part of him was baffled you’d begun to care so deeply.
It was easy to believe when your actions towards him matched your words. He had fucked up by breaking things off. Protecting you from afar. It killed him to watch you become a shell of yourself.
Bucky places a kiss to your forehead. You burrow into him. He feels his heart do a somersault. Adored it when you’d want him as close as possible.
‘She seems calmer.’
“She is, just a while more to make sure.” Bucky bargains with James.
‘Just a while more. It could return. Need to coax her.’
Your head tucked under his chin, him wrapped around you in a protective embrace. He doesn’t realise when his breathing synchronises with your own.
Eyes growing heavy, his body relaxing after weeks of being on alert. He was home.
Home is you.
He doesn’t oppose sleep tonight. Bucky sighs, he could give up this plan of being away for tonight.
Azure lose themselves to darkness. Muted grey greet your sleeping features.
‘You’ve decided for her and I enough, Comrade.’ James whispers, thumb stroking your cheek.
Your Jamie smiles as you nuzzle into his touch, ‘You rest now Bucky, I’ll look after her.’
-x-
bucky permanent tags: @slutforsexyseabass
permanent tags: @stevesmewmew @pandaxnienke
