#ft. oskar

[zakeklund]

Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways Yeah, ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

@oskareklund @bella--johnson​

[zakeklund]

a journal entry from zak’s time in prison, featuring @bella--johnson​ and @oskareklund

          Prison is meant to be a rehabilitation of sorts. A place to contemplate your crimes and how you plan to change so it will never happen again. I, however, am not regretful of the things I have done to land me in this place. Stealing money from the wealthy is hardly something to cry over when not a single one of them will miss it or suffer because of it. What I regret is the tarnish it has put upon my brother’s reputation in the financial world.

          Oskar devotes himself to his work, so much so I think he has forgotten what it is like to have fun. He spends his waking hours pouring over numbers and emails and talking to client after client and going to countless meetings. Meals are missed, sleep is little, and social interaction is only had with those he works with or for. He is good at what he does and should continue to hold that reputation, though I do hope some good comes from his burden of a little brother’s actions. My hope is that he makes some real connections, friendships that he can carry to his grave and fall in love with someone who will treat him well, that he can spoil and will care for him in return.

          As much as I love my brother, I have spent very little time thinking of him between these walls. My mind is forever occupied by one person, my dearest Isabella. She haunts my dreams and waking moments like no other. Most of my regrets lay with her and how I have continued to let her down over and over again. There were so many things I could have said, should have said to her and instead, remained silent or filled the air with insecure nonsense - blaming my pain on her when she has been the only one to bring it any relief throughout the years we’ve shared. You see, I never believed in frivolous things like love and souls and devotion before I met her. Things like that were meant for the novels on my shelf. To be read about but never to be felt. I have known for some time now that I was wrong. Undying love does exist and I was a fool for thinking otherwise. Isabella Johnson has devoured me whole and I lay stuck inside her trap until all time runs out. She is the person I love most and perhaps the only person I have ever loved. Yet I choose to fail her time and time again.

          Bella, I know you will never see this but I want you to know every hurtful thing I have ever said to you, every jealous remark and heated accusation, is a product of my own insecurity and fear. It does not excuse any of it and I am sorry I have never found a way to admit this to you in person. I have tried so many times to tell you all the things I keep bottled up and shoved away. The thoughts that go through my head that would explain just how much you mean to me. You make me want to be better. I want to be good for you, I want to deserve you. But, I know I do not and I do not think I ever will. Never in my life did I think this obnoxious curly haired brunette would captivate me and turn my world upside down, captivating me so fully I feel like I have gone insane anytime she is not around. My days were numbered and I did not say what just how much you mean to me. I love you Bella, I love you more than life itself. You deserve to be worshipped like a goddess, and I want so much to be the one to do that, but I feel I will only continue to fail you. You are everything to me. You are my happy place and when I am with you, I feel like I can be a better man. I am so very sorry for all the hurt I have caused you and I cannot promise I will not do it again, but I swear I will love you until the end of time. Someday I hope I will deserve you.