I originally added stuff about my first sexual partner to a post but deleted it bc I'm not sure I'm ready to post it on something that has lots of notes. But like as I was writing it I was being talked to by the same boy (because I now work with him and have to teach him what to do.) and I increasingly felt anxious bc I was scared he would find that and not like me anymore even though I want nothing to do with him. I've ignored him and basically done my best to try and finally move on because how he has treated me and took advantage of me emotionally for the past 6 years is.... intense.
I mean I knew he was an asshole but like I basically threw away my opinions on stuff that is very important to me bc I'm scared of him not talking to me, of not liking me. He is a huge part of why I hate myself so much and why I base my worth on how much guys wanna f*ck me. He's told me so many times over the years that he isn't sexually attracted to me or anything but turns around and wants to hook up for a month then goes back to barely acknowledging me. He knew I had strong feelings for him and thought of him as such a great person that when he felt rejected by a girl he'd have me describe all the wonderful things I thought about him. He would come to me and tell me all about his crushes, some of them on my closest friends.
He's joked about how some people literally only know me by being the girl who took his virginity and "made him a sl*t." I caused him to be that way because I had feelings for him and he was the first person to find me attractive enough to even kiss so I felt I had to go forward bc I'm "liberal" and find nothing wrong with pre-marital sex. (Which there isn't but I didn't feel i could say no because no one else even looked my way so when was I to ever have that chance again)
And we dated again most recently almost a year ago. After almost killing myself he tells me I've always been the one. That everything always goes back to me. We talked about marriage and plans for when I got out of college. I started to talk to him about my feelings towards how he's treated me since we were 14 (now we're both almost 21) and he gave me explanations that made me start to feel better and then left me again.
Is now with another person and is having a child with him. He told me if he ever had a kid (bc both of us hate the idea of having children) it would be me and said it quite often.
And now I work with him and have to acknowledge him so that I can work and won't be fired for not being a team player. And a mutual friend of ours keeps telling me to talk to him and be friends with him again and I just can't. I can't ever be friends with him. If I do I'll fall right back to where I was of dying to have his attention.
and i just i cant do that.
