Pushing the syringe into my veins, I can feel the disappointment coursing through my veins. I feel the weight of how I feel for you attach itself to every little molecule that was meant to make me better. I feel the amphetamines start to flood my body with chemicals, and for a second I feel like I’m going so fast that the world seems to stop. And in this moment. I think of you.
My favorite dream is of a freight train speeding down the tracks, tracks that have been beaten and prodded with needles. Needles that were meant to heal and meant to help make sense of a world that had succumbed to chaos. I see this train coming, and watch the tracks disintegrate in to dust when the weight of the train leaves their shoulders. All I can think is of how...peaceful the dust looks when it finally settles into its new home. And I look to see you for help...and you're not there. You've finally taken off and done what you should've done years ago and moved on. Moved on to someone who works a little slower, and doesn't break quite as often. And in this moment, I find myself clutching the ring that should've been yours. I watch the blood from the cuts in my hand slowly works into every crevice and covers every callous. I realize now what I should do. The emotions flowing through my veins feel like the calm before the storm. It feels okay right now, but it's about to get a whole lot worse. I notice my legs....they feel awfully weak, I need to sit down. My hands feel heavy I need to let go of the ring. My heart hurts from a poison worse than anything we could've imagined as kids. I sit down on the track, it feels right, a sense of finality washes over me like a wave crashes into the beach. We've always had an idea only one of us would make it out alive. And every time, before I wake up...I whisper to everyone, and to no one "I choose you. I've always picked you"
