Why I couldn’t watch Avengers: Infinity War
Yeah, you read that right. Not that I would not watch it, but I am not capable of watching it. Alright, alright, I will admit it. I sometimes watch things on pirating websites. So here I am, late one evening, sitting at my computer desk with one of my beloved cats sitting in my lap purring away. Oh, and, let me tell you, I am actually not in to super hero stuff, but I like the Thor and avengers movies because they have Loki in them. I am actually a Norse Pagan and a devotee of the Norse God Loki, so this watching stuff like that is a fun devotional activity for me. Anyway, that night, I finally decided to sit down and watch the movie. I made some popcorn, dimmed the lights-- you know the routine. I start it up, lean in close and get ready for some super sick action. Yeah,,,, let me tell you, it was sick, disgusting, ruthless, cruel, and above all soul-shattering. What I witnessed will haunt me for I know not how long.
Honestly, this is probably ridiculous of me, but I just wish somehow there would have been a trigger warning. Maybe with the rating there is a given one?... Oh shit, never mind, just checked. It’s PG-13. Hmm, 13-year-olds are mentally sound enough to see stuff like that. Welp, okay, I don’t make the rules... But if I did...
Yeah, so, uh, a little secret that is not such a secret about me. I have a mental health disorder and in the past, was a raging self-harmer. I’m talking getting drunk, cutting myself 23 times, *never thinking they are deep enough, and that even my cuts aren't good enough*, standing in a giant pool of my own blood and requiring stitches... Escalating. Escalating. Escalating.. Yeah, it’s that bad, thankfully I have been in treatment for three years, and am actively trying to get better.
What didn’t help my situation though? Yeap, you guessed it watching Avengers Infinity Wars.
Seeing Loki die that way, and what is it within the first few minutes, just shut the logic in my brain down. I couldn’t think straight anymore, and I was immediately triggered to walk into my bathroom find the sharpest item I had (as I had recently thrown my razor blades away, out of my kitchen cupboard) and cut away. I couldn’t bring myself to watch the rest of the movie, not even one second.
It makes me wonder if anyone else experienced this watching Loki die. It was just w r o n g . And here I am, months after it has come out, and I am still writing about it. I still haven’t moved on. I still see his death when I close my eyes. I still hurt from it. And I still want to carve into my flesh because of it. Whatever happens with Marvel!Loki, I will never forgive MCU.
As always, my blog is a safe space. You can ask me anything, just chat, or connect with me. Thanks friends.
