Summary: Based on this art post by @alinaazac , a short oneshot of Dan and Phil as co-Kings of all that is cold, bantering, arguing with each other, and correcting the peasants who come to seek their help because it's ‘my kings’ or ‘your highnesses’, not ‘my lieges’.
Phil's robes, as black as midnight and layered like sheets of frost over his form, reached all the way from his ankles to his collar, where the formal robes fanned out into triangular points on his shoulders. The black made his skin paler, enhancing the shadows under his cheekbones and sharpening the angle of his jaw. He lounged in the throne of ice like it was made specifically for him, which it was. The small glowing ice-blue crown floated above his head, signifying his role as the ruler over all that was cold and frigid, all of the lands with snow and all of the people that lived in them.
"Stop pouting," Dan teased, his eyes narrowed slightly and the startings of a smirk on his lips. "You can't always get your way. Besides, this will be better."
No one in the country dared speak to King Philip Lester, Ruler Of All That Is Cold™ like that, not if they wanted to live: unless of course, they were King Daniel Howell, co-Ruler Of All That Is Cold™. He sat on a matching throne of glassy blue ice, which was also designed just for his royal ass, and wore similar black robes, though his collar was shaped slightly different, with smaller points curling up slightly. A matching crown floated above his head, though his glowed a yellow golden, not blue. He and Phil were co-rulers, and they held an equal amount of power.
A human spoke to the guards who stood a half dozen meters before the kings. Then the guards raised their spears so the human could pass, and the kings halted their conversation to watch the peasant approach them, kneeling before them.
"My lieges."
"It's either 'my kings' or 'your majesties'," Dan corrected boredly, lounging on his throne casually. "Liege hints at feudalism, and this is a democratic society."
"It's a monarchy if anything," Phil argued blandly, leaning his elbow on the icy throne's armrest and slouching into it. "We don't let the citizens vote or anything."
"Nonsense, it's a democracy. And it's 'Your majesties'. I'll let it pass this time, but we addressed this in the FAQ section of the informational brochure we sent out to everyone." He smiled at the human expectantly, whose jaw was hanging open. "You're welcome," King Daniel said finally. "You may leave."
"But my family-"
"Yes, have them read the informational brochure too. And don't forget the FAQ section! Now, my guards will show you your way out." He snapped his fingers twice and a pair of guards immediately came to the human, dragging him out while he squeaked out something about dying crops, blah blah blah.
Dan turned to Phil, leaning his elbows on the shared armrest between them and resting his face in his hands, tapping his fingers on his cheeks. "Why are you so grumpy? I told you, you can't always get what you want."
Phil huffed. "And I'm fine with that. But it seems like you always get what you want. It's not fair."
"Life can't always be fair," Dan reminded with an air of philosophical wisdom. "You just have to take what comes."
Another peasant walked up to them, dressed in dirty brown rags. She bowed quickly. "Your majesties-"
"You're supposed to kneel, not bow!" Dan huffed, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms. "Honestly, did I write that FAQ for nothing?"
"You didn't even write it," Phil reminded him, slouching with his cheek mashed up against his hand. "You had that peasant do it."
"Guards! Behead that peasant-"
Two guards surged forwards, grabbing the peasant in front of them and beginning to pull her backward as she babbled incessantly.
"No, no. Not that peasant. The one who wrote the pamphlet we sent out that apparently no one read.”
"Your highness, they've already left."
"Well find them!" Dan snapped. "And behead them. But don't bring me their head, that was so gross last time. Just... sent me a pigeon or something."
"And while you're in the towns, can you get me some of that delicious pudding?" Phil added, suddenly interested. "The swirled stuff."
"The swirled stuff," a guard repeated uncertainly.
Dan waved the confused guards off to do their tasks. The peasant stood shaking in front of them.
"You look chilly," Phil observed.
"Um, yes, a little bit... your, um, liege."
"Majesty," Dan corrected. "And it has to be cold. We are the Rulers Of All That Is Cold™. It's the aesthetic."
That didn't make the peasant stop shivering. "Does that mean you also oversee people with cold personalities?"
Dan looked to Phil, looking excited. "That's a good idea, isn't it? Do you wanna?"
"It'd make us look like we're emotionally cold. The press will have a field day."
"Nonsense. Guards! Pencil that in." He looked back at the peasant girl. "That's a good idea, I'm so glad I came up with it. We're writing a new constitution, modeled after the American Declaration of Independence. I'm thinking of calling it: The Declaration of Your Dependence." He made brackets with his fingers, opening them like imagining what the words would look like written out in front of him.
"But, um, the American Declaration of Independence wasn't what their government was built upon," the peasant said, not making eye contact. "It was their declaration of independence from Britain, my um, my King."
Dan scratched at his chin. "Then I'll have a peasant write it. But instead of declaring yourself independent of your Kings, you'll declare yourselves dependent upon us!" He clapped in excitement.
"Speaking of which, all of the crops have died because of the cold-"
"But not too dependent," Dan interrupted. "Just dependent enough. I think learning how to problem solve on your own is important as well. You're welcome, you may leave. Make sure to pick up an informational brochure on your way out!" He clicked his fingers twice, and two guards came and dragged her out of the throne room, just as they had done to all the peasants before her.
Phil took off his glowing blue crown and spun it on his finger. "I don't think they like you very much."
"Like 'us' very much, we're co-Rulers Of All That Is Cold™, remember? Don't sell yourself short, you're just as important in this democracy as I am."
"But Dan... they don't like us."
"Ridiculous." Dan snapped twice, and two more guards appeared. "Random guards, do you like us? I'll behead you if you say no."
"Yes, of course your highness! We adore you, you are so wise and-"
"That's good," Dan interrupted. He turned back to Phil, smiling smugly. "See? They love us!"
