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Manami Higa's "Mata ne." - A Series of Summaries for a Series of Essays

When Manami put out the announcement that she was releasing a series of essays to mark her 40th birthday, I immediately preordered it. I got it about a week after it was released in Japan (not bad~), and then it took me about another week to read through it with assistance.

Let me just say that it was an amazing read. She didn't have to do this, she didn't have to open up old wounds and air out some dirty laundry, but, ever since last year, she's been making this push to show the world who she really is. She's made the impression that her past 2 decades in showbiz were based on how others wanted her to appear to the world, and how she thought people wanted to view her, which also shut her true self away, even from herself. In her mid 30s, however, she had an epiphany-like moment, and she began to make the moves to get to where she is today.

Below is a summary of every single essay, in order. There was also an interview spread out in the book in 3 parts, and I'll be sharing those as images with alt text (to save space). I'm omitting stuff like the foreword, afterword, and two small photo diaries at the end of the book, but if there's interest, I'll make a separate entry for those.

Showbiz, Childhood, Generational gaps (and how to bridge them), Ageing, Health, Relationships (all kinds), Romance, and Marriage...just some of the topics you'll find in here~

Okay, you ready? It's a doozy, so you better have some time set aside and some snacks handy (and tissues. Don't forget the tissues. It gets dark in the middle - note the TW note when you get there)

Let's get going, then!

1. Graduation Ceremonies Can Happen Many Times

In this essay, Manami uses her role from "Ren'ai Jidai" from 2015 to talk about how some of her roles, especially ones that break from the types she usually got picked for, tend to be the most sentimental. Even after filming wraps up, she may hold an emotional bond to the role a little longer. In the case of this drama, it was the first time she was playing a clumsy, silly character instead of the Cool Lady. She related to the character and she had a good chemistry with her co-star since they were both Okinawan. Basically, she treats them as graduation ceremonies.

2. Saejima Haruka

Manami talks candidly how the character, the field nurse from the "Code Blue" series (also, it's still her most famous role), has both instilled this incorrect version of herself to random people she encounters (especially nurses) but is amazed at how much of a positive impact the character left on folks. Saejima was the role that solidified Manami as a cool, tough woman -- or rather, the roles she would have the most. This was also her first medical drama role and it lasted quite a bit, so people know her the most from this role. She put her whole heart and soul into the role. This is where she learned she doesn't want to take shortcuts. She doesn't want compromises. She wants to give it her all!

Anyway, as a result of her portrayal, when she has checkups at the hospital, nurses will freeze up, maybe even tense up, because Saejima was such a stern woman and they think Manami here will be the same! (She even apologizes for future encounters. She doesn't mean to give off that aura!) But, Saejima was also an inspiration to many. She has heard from these same nurses how they got into the field because of her character or loved her character in general. Manami used to be in that spot, always inspired by roles she saw on tv. But now it feels amazing being on the other end of the inspiration~

3. Comrades in Arms

Manami starts this essay by relaying a moment when she recently met up with the director of "Code Blue" again. It was for a new project, actually, and her current manager (since 2025) isn't aware of her past rapports, so they were a little nervous at first with Manami being chill and being teased so casually by a director. But that's just the vibes she has with everyone from "Code Blue," or any role that just leaves that much of an impact, even after filming has wrapped up.

The cast and staff of "Code Blue" all worked together for so long, they've got this camaraderie going on. She will always try to keep up with the rest of her co-stars' happenings as best as she can. The most emotional moment for her, though, was last year, when the crew stood to send off their "other member," the helicopter they used in the show. It was also a proper medical helicopter, but last year was its last year in service. Manami recalls how she may be the one nurse in (Japanese) showbiz who has ridden in a helicopter the most. The retirement ceremony – watching the helicopter ride off into the sunset one more time as the "Code Blue" gang and other guests looked on – was touching for her.

4. I Want More Screentime!

Starting in her thirties, Manami began feeling a stronger sense of wanting to play more lead roles. When she first got into the acting scene, she just wanted to play her part and help bring the project together. She wasn't focused on elevating herself. Using her lead role in "My Favorite Prince" (2021) as a shift in her interest, she goes in-depth about how she was actually brought in as a substitute. The original actress had fallen ill and Manami was reached. Of course, she was concerned for the original actress, but when she was presented with this role and how it was jeopardizing the project, she thought, well...she's gonna give it her all!

She talks about the perks of being a lead, but in a selfless way. Compared to her first-ever lead, when she was a rookie, she actually felt like people were looking to her for help instead of being lead around herself. She loves the ability to be able to interact with everyone on the staff, get to know them, get to treat them all friendly. Even on moments she's not filming, she wants to hang around, observe and chat...oh, and the wrap-up party drinks are always tasty. She goes on to say it's one thing to say you want to do something (in this case, play more leads), but to actually take on these challenges are the kinds of goals that actors should strive for. And Manami is the kind of person who truly loves to experience new things.

Higa Manami's Candid Words (1)

[you'll have to click to see the full image...or just check out the alt text]

5. Between Generations

Manami has noticed she has a pattern of the types of folks she likes to hang around with. They’re either 10 years younger than her or 10 years older. Rarely is there anyone nowadays that’s about her age, nor does she specifically go out of her way to assume people’s ages. This is a general observance of hers. She used to hang out with similar-aged peers in her 20s but they all shared a lot of things together. She’s now curious about expanding her horizons.

She notes she’s now at an age considered to be like a bridge between the generations. It’s a period where things are changing rapidly, you’re figuring yourself out still, but trying to figure out a balance of sticking to habits one has grown up with and wanting to stay relevant. A funny moment she mentions here is her wondering if it’s still a good idea to stick around projects up until the wrap-ups in order to strengthen those crew bonds because that seems to be a thing “old fogeys” do anymore.

Manami feels like she’s finally breaking free of some personal chains she’s had, though part of it was the industry itself feeling strict at times. She does lament her not being open when she was younger (she always has issues with trust around other people that she’s slowly breaking away from), and she’s aware of how “cold” she appeared back then, but now that her “icy heart is melting,” so to speak, she wants to express her feelings and gratitude even more. She wants to open up paths for people to interact with one another, regardless of age, and, at her particular age, she wants to help be that bridge.

“Try taking the initiative to talk to younger generations. I know from personal experience that it’s often difficult for rookies to approach the veterans.” - Actual quote from essay

Manami knows that the industry thrives with people from all walks of life, all experience levels and ages, all working together for long periods of time. She wants it to be a good time for all.

6. Is Resting an Escape?

Manami knows she’s a workaholic. She admits it’s pretty bad. More specifically, she has issues balancing work and her private life. When she’s on a project, she’ll always be thinking about her roles, her lines, what she’s going to be doing on a particular scene, etc. It fills her mind. It BECOMES her. She even admits she’ll mutter line recitals under her breath while doing errands. “It’s a little creepy, huh?” Even when she was dating a while back, she would be so engrossed in her script, ignoring their presence, that it got to the point they finally snatched the book away from her and told her it was getting way out of control.

Her twenties were pretty much this all the time. She felt like she needed to prove herself as an actor. She wanted experience. She never once thought about asking her agency for time off beyond the minimum requirements. Even while filming, while some actors would take a breather or two during filming, she personally would feel bad about missing ANY time at work. To her, taking a break was like running away from work, and any “breaks” should be reserved for more practice.

But then she reached her 30s and she realized something.

She doesn’t have all the time in the world.

Manami, by this point, has so many achievements piled up in her records, so many experiences, but she realized she was pretty much losing time to enjoy life. When interviews happen, a common question would be “Have you done anything in your personal life recently?” Manami would be at a loss for words whenever such questions popped up. She wasn’t prepared. She could talk your ear off about the project but how her life was going? Static. Her private life, at that point, was bare minimum: Eat, drink, drink some more (alcohol), and sleep.

Since this realization, she’s working on improving herself. She’s talking to her (new) agency more about day-off requests, asking for extended breaks after projects. She’ll head out somewhere – maybe Okinawa, maybe another area of Japan, or maybe overseas. She’ll go out with others or she’ll go alone. She likes solo trips because they can be random. All she plans ahead of time are her travel tickets and hotel bookings. Let life lead her to fun.

She finishes by saying she has personally felt an improvement since she began “running away from work” more often. Her longtime friends have commented that she appears more relaxed. She doesn’t want to bash her 20-year-old self. She did learn stuff at the time. But now she’s finally starting to find that balance and enjoying life.

“You know yourself the least, so you need to take your time to get to know yourself.” - actual quote from essay

7. There Are No Mountains, Nor Valleys

Manami reflects back on how her career has moved. It's been smooth, and she does take it for granted. Perhaps too smoothly, though, hence the title of this essay.

Professionally, she started as the lead on the NHK morning drama, "Dondo Hare." Immediately afterward, she was one of the group leads for the longer series, "Code Blue." After that, she kind of went into secondary roles for the most part. But she's been treated as a veteran early on thanks to her early career points. A fun example is how she would get a small role in her 20s, but then the makeup artist on board may look at her and tell her, "Ah, you could probably put it on yourself," thinking she has that kind of expertise already. It would sound rude to most other folks, but to Manami, it helped expand her knowledge early on.

Eventually, though, she began to plateau. She got too comfortable with the roles and jobs she was getting. It was becoming routine. Too routine. Then, some time around her mid 30s, she realized that was happening. And she didn't like it. She decided she needed to make a big jump if she wanted to evolve and grow again. And that's when she decided to leave her old agency and completely switch gears to be more Tokyo-based (more opportunities).

It's just like the time when she was 18 and decided she had to move to Tokyo in the first place. This was her decision. She was set. There was no turning back. Only forward...

[WARNING: The following 5 essays have the following TWs: Bullying, Depression, and Misanthropy (mild). If you want to skip them, look for the essay called "Tokyo Wind"]

8. Childhood Memory

Manami can only recall as far back as when she was three, but a lot of her memories, and photos, consist of crying all the time. Before her younger brother and sister were born, and her parents were working, she was alone, and it seemed to bother her a lot. There were times, though that Okinawan spirits known as mabuyaa floated around her family's apartment a lot and she could see them. She'd be in a trance, almost sleepwalking but with her eyes open and want to open the window to their 6th story apartment to look at them (nothing happened, thankfully).

Sometime when the family moved closer to the sea, something awoke inside of her, and her personality started to shine. The tomboy Manami preferred to climb trees and run out during typhoons, imagining herself using an umbrella like Mary Poppins to fly away. She preferred to play around nature than with other people, but that sentiment grew deeper over time...

9. I Hate Humans

In the latter years of grade school, she transferred and made an enemy with a girl in a powerful clique. She didn't mean to, but when the girl asked if she liked anyone in particular -- saying she liked one particular boy -- Manami replied that she liked them, too, without much thought (they were 5th graders, and of course, Manami today felt the best course of action was probably to not talk at all). But that started the bullying. First they stopped talking to her. Then she lost her school shoes. Rumors started flying. Even as they entered middle school, Manami was feeling the wrath of these same kids since they would all be attending together. She came home depressed, numb...

She ends this essay noting that when people ask to see photos of her as a kid, she's usually pretty chill about it and will happily show any...except from her middle school years. She looks lifeless in them, and even now, she doesn't really remember her middle school years at all.

10. Towards the Light

Eventually, Manami attends an agricultural school. The main reason was to just get away from everyone. She got to work with animals. That was nice. As high school began to approach her life, she went to cram school like most other kids, though she also worked part-time at the place she was studying at. There was a beautiful, young woman who tutored there. One day, this woman approached Manami and asked if she was interested in modeling.

By this point in time, Manami had completely shunned humans. She was dubious of anyone who approached her so directly. Even here, that was such a random question. But...something made her curious. She does agree to come check out the agency this woman had a good rapport in.

Manami was in awe at the sight. She saw other girls, her age or older, all learning how to pose and walk like models. They looked gorgeous....and here she was, looking like a country bumpkin...but she was realizing she could be like them, too.

At the very least, if she decided she wanted to come back again (she got an open invitation to do so), she could escape her hellhole of a life for a few hours at a time.

11. Art Blooming on the Desk

Because of how Japanese school systems worked, the high school she entered was a fresh start. None of those other folks were there. However, that didn't last long as she caught the attention of yet another mean girl. This time, though, the girl's crush (some cool, yet intimidating senior) asked Manami out first without ever having interacted before. She politely declined. Maybe they could be friends? Nah.

Unfortunately, that was the moment the bullying resumed for her. More nasty comments but now with obscenities and vulgarity added into the mix. Every morning, Manami would arrive to a desk filled with horrible graffiti. She would start coming in even earlier to erase it so she could just focus on her studies. But it kept happening, over and over again.

Finally, one day, she sat down and started scribbling on her desk in retaliation. She didn't care what she was drawing or how long it took. The essay reads as if she was doing vent art. She was utterly focused on it, even as other students entered the room and watched. She was sick and tired of these kids doing this crap to her. She could only think of the modeling agency she was going to now after school -- that place was a haven for her. It made her feel happiness. Soon, though, she could escape this place once and for all.

The way she acted that day finally made everyone stop harassing her. I guess she was finally too creepy for them.

She did get a scolding from the teacher later that day, though.

Manami ends this essay commenting how the one thing she remembers most from her school life is that it taught her how to deal with injustices.

12. Shuu-san

Shuu-san and Makiko-san were the top duo at the agency, so of course many people looked up to them, Manami included. But she was on the lower ranks. It surprised her one day when Shuu asked if they could have a chat later, over by Shisa Park (a park with a huge shisa-designed slide; the essay book actually has some photos of Manami revisiting that place, along with the laundromat nearby).

They find some seats by a laundromat near the part, and Shuu gets to the point: He's concerned Manami isn't using all of her emotions in her studies. He's noticed she's only doing the basic studies with no heart behind it. He tells her it's okay to bring out your feelings in this field. To love yourself is to improve yourself. Manami ends up breaking down, but she's grateful to hear those words.

After that point, Manami makes an effort to really focus on the modeling studies. She wants to be a part of the entertainment industry. She makes many mistakes, and she hates herself for it (the first signs of her wanting to strive for perfection; Essay 6 talked more about it, if you recall), but Shuu and Makiko are there to support her. She's grateful for their role in the life she has now.

13. Tokyo Wind

Manami starts off as a simple teen model for local ads and media, but news spreads about a director looking to film in Okinawa -- a movie focused on youth called "Letters from Niraikanai." Manami got to audition and landed the role of the lead's best friend. She was confident that she'd do an amazing job here, thanks to the support and care she got from her agency.

This was her first experience with a long-term project, being away from her home (she was still in Okinawa, but they filmed away from her hometown), surrounded by adults from the film industry with a star who was only one year older than her, but she already exuded a grand air that Manami was awed by.

She would end up having one horrible experience while filming this movie, however, during a scene in a library. That was when she completely forgot her lines (only 2-3, she recalls) and they ended up doing more than 10 retakes because of her. She felt utterly ashamed and embarrassed, despite the crew and even the star assuring her it was alright.

It wasn't alright for Manami, though. It wasn't a case of stage fright, nor was it because she was feeling pressured. No, it was all because of her personal striving for perfection. She wanted good results instantly. She wanted to be recognized by these folks as someone with potential, to maybe garner more roles in the future. Instead, she was reminded of how limited remaining in Okinawa would be for her.

That was when she decided...she needed to talk to her parents.

14. An 18-Year-Old's Impulse

Manami approached her parents and, with a deep bow, begged them to let her move to Tokyo. She wanted a better opportunity to learn and grow in the entertainment industry. Okinawa wasn't going to cut it anymore.

At one point, Manami had thought her life after high school would be a mix of working at her mom's business and doing modeling on the side. Maybe she'd get married, have kids, that sort of thing...but that drastically changed after filming that movie.

Manami's mother was initially hesitant about the modeling studies, so it was no surprise that she was against the move. However, her father -- a quiet and calm man -- was also putting his foot down on this decision. They were not going to support it. Eventually, Manami came up with a compromise: Let her move up there for a year. See where it takes her, and if nothing comes out of it, she'll return. They agree.

She had support, thankfully. Shuu and Makiko had ties to a Tokyo agency, so there were no problems there. As for where to live, however, Manami's parent's weren't going to financially support her. She had to save up on her own, and it was hard. But...remember that beautiful lady from the cram school? She was finishing up college and happened to have an apartment in Tokyo. She invited Manami to come room with her.

And so, with an agency lined up, a room lined up, and only 200k Yen to her name, Manami took her first, real steps into the career she would end up working in for 20+ years (and counting)!

15. Script of Memories

Literally, toward the very end of Manami's one-year tenure in Tokyo, it finally happened. She went to an audition and landed the role. Not just any role...it was the heroine role for an upcoming NHK morning drama, "Dondo Hare." Hey, NHK's morning dramas are famous! Of course this is huge!

Manami remembers how, apparently, her Okinawan accent was still strong at the time, but they loved her personality and felt it suited the heroine's intended personality the best. The time she spent filming this drama was an invaluable experience for her. She remembers a conversation she had with a much older, veteran actress, who reminded her that acting, like any field, is an eternal experience. One is never satisfied with their results! She also recalls a time, way after the show aired, when she revisited the town the drama took place in. A restaurant owner was buddies with one of the other actors, who had recently passed away. He relayed a quote from him to Manami during that visit: "That girl is going to be a big star. She's going to become a great actress."

Manami finishes this essay by recalling a moment she had last year as she was doing some decluttering. She found the script for the final episode of "Dondo Hare," complete with everyone's signatures and little messages...but then, nearby, there was a copy of the script to "Letters from Niraikanai," which had a sheet of paper stuck in it that was filled with nothing but signatures. Manami recalled that, when she was working on that film, she decided to practice her autograph for the future. Just in case.

16. "Daijoubu" is Her Catchphrase

Another of Manami's weaknesses is that she has a tendency to be self-reliant. Even if, for example, her manager asks if they can help with something, she'll immediately answer, "It's fine!" She'll do it herself. She's a stubborn, straightforward and frank woman, but sometimes she also worries that it has hindered her relationships with people, including her own family. Yes, she admits she also has trouble in viewing her own family in a reliable manner, though she loves them very much. As a result, she even wonders if she can really settle down with someone because she will have trouble accepting that she can also seek support from others.

"It's as if there's a samurai inside me, constantly on guard. It's as if I'll be cut down the moment I show weakness." - actual quote

Being independent isn't bad. Loneliness can be good. But sometimes the loneliness aches. It changes as frequent as the weather, regardless of the kind of life you have, whether you're in a relationship or not.

Maybe, someday, she'll finally be able to ask for help more freely.

17. Family Principles

Manami decides to air out some dirty laundry, so to speak. While she loves her family very much, and will get emotional during interviews when she talks about heartwarming moments with them, it's not always as touching as she makes it out to be.

She does love them very much. She even sends them money not out of obligation but due to her own way of showing gratitude for what they've done for her in the past. There's a lot of clashing behind the scenes, though. Her and her mother butt heads a lot. It's due to the fact that Manami, as the eldest, also has some motherly instincts as well as a result, so both think they know what's best for themselves and the family as a whole.

But then there's another side to this coin. Because Manami lives in Tokyo while the rest of her family remains in Okinawa, there's a growing distance there that has affected communications as well. Everyone has gotten stuck on this assumption that, "Well, family is family and we all understand each other, right?" without even reaching out to communicate if there are any problems happening on either end.

As we know from previous essays, Manami prefers to be the one to take the lead, to help others first. But she doesn't want to offend others if she steps in too much, including her family. And it could get tiring if she helped out too much, so she never really voiced these concerns – simply kept doing what she always did.

But, it turned out that her family was relying on her and assuming reaching out to her was the norm. Her parents and her siblings felt this way.

And no one was communicating these feelings to the other party at all.

Manami recently met up with her sister, who is 9 years younger. She had finally saw firsthand what another, healthier family dynamic looked like and she realized there's something wrong with theirs. For once, someone else had noticed and is trying to help bridge gaps, and it touched Manami akin to a mother listening to their maturing child (again, she has her own maternal instincts and probably took care of her siblings as they grew up together). With her sister taking the lead, Manami agreed that the next time she visited Okinawa, they're all going to have a family meeting and finally get on the same page.

18. A Deep Love Focused Within 10 Centimeters

Manami starts by relaying her most recent trip to Okinawa. Every time she comes back, she slips back into her native accent, she feels weights figuratively fall off, and she feels like she can truly relax. She loves Tokyo, she has many important people there as well, but she still has the heart of a folksy islander deep down.

It wasn't always like that. When she was starting out, she was reluctant to return, but, after filming for "Dondo Hare" ended, she felt like coming back. Immediately, people swarmed her, congratulated her...but then the photo and autograph requests happened. She could sense it wasn't that folks were happy to see Higa Manami the commoner again, they wanted Higa Manami the actress, or, even more specifically, they wanted Natsumi from the drama. It was pretty weird for her, and, after that, she made an effort to never announce when she was returning home. She would only tell her family, and she made sure to pick random periods in the year if she could help it.

She then tells a story from a while back. Her father loves to work on a lot of hands-on crafts. One day, she noticed a little eraser, about 10 centimeters long. But, upon closer inspection, it was a hand-carved eraser stamp with a facsimile of her autograph. Her father had made it for her.

"It must be a lot of work writing each one individually," he had said.

Manami rounds out the story with her personal relationship with her father. He is kind, quiet, and listens to her. Even to this day, she will call him as many nights as she can, just to keep him up-to-date with happenings, thoughts and tearful vents. And he just listens to it all. She is very grateful for his presence and hopes that a bit of him has rubbed off on her.

19. Views on Life and Death [TW: Death, of course]

She is not afraid of death. She has a "that's life" outlook, overall. They lived, and they died. She feels sadness, but she doesn't dwell on it. She does believe in reincarnation, and she likes to think one can still feel the departed's presence, similar to how she feels with her grandfather. When she hears someone has passed, she remembers the good times. She would prefer to celebrate the life than to mourn the loss.

She hopes she's celebrated as well, when that time comes, whenever that may be. Since it's unknown, she tries to live in the moment, honestly, kindly...because one never knows that a seemingly random conversation one day ends up being the last one you have with someone.

Higa Manami's Candid Words (2)

[click images or read the alt text]

20. Decluttering Demon

It’s well known, even among fans, that Manami is a declutterer by nature. A “decluttering demon,” if you will. She strives to be the ultimate minimalist. In this essay, she talks about things she does regularly as well as describing an experiment where she goes completely offline for as long as possible. The longest she’s done so has been three days!

For this “full detox” routine…First, she talks to her agency, of course, asking for time off. Then, her next step is to keep her phone, her TV, anything digital that gives off info completely off (she admits this was hard at first, but she eased herself into it little by little – turning off her socials during trips or for an evening, then turning off her phone altogether). She won’t even listen to music in the background during these periods. She can go out, but she just can’t reach for anything that will distract her again.

She’ll spend some time in the complete quietness of her home, staring off blankly for a bit and taking in the scenery (she has a window that looks out into some greenery). She’ll also physically declutter during this time, keeping up with things – what is still relevant, what still fits. She tries to buy clothing that will last for a long time, for example, but if she’s outgrown them, it’s time to toss.

Other things she likes to do during these times is fasting for a day and journaling. Both of these, for her, detox the body and mind, respectively. With journaling, it lets her true self come out, especially after pretending to be other people (acting). You don’t want to lose yourself in the sea of fiction!

She explains those three days did work wonders on her. She could practically feel the stress and overload of information (work, the world, etc) flush out her body and she could take on the world again! It was pretty fun!

….but maybe not make this too much of a habit. She doesn’t want to completely go off-grid!

[Note: In the following essays, I made sure to use the right types of pronouns/gendered nouns. Manami starts with heteronormative talk in the following essay, but, by the time of the 2 parter (you'll see), she uses more gender-neutral terms. I wrote accordingly.]

21. That's My View on Marriage

Manami wants to set the record straight: She loves people deeply, not strongly/heavily.

Her deep love for her family is at the top. For her, she wouldn't trade it for the world, and, as a result, she may be burdened by this love to the point of still being single. However, she reminds folks the first guy you ever meet is your father, right? So she has a tendency to compare guys to her dad a lot, especially anyone that she may consider marrying. It's a high bar to pass.

Because of her "all of nothing" nature, she probably can't think of anyone that could actually change her mind or personality in this manner.

She always twitches whenever she gets interview questions where an old castmate got married and had kids and she's supposed to react to that. Worse when they ask her about her own pursuits. Thankfully, she has noticed a sharp decrease in these questions lately. Relief.

Manami both doesn't feel pressured to get married but she also doesn't want to remain single, if that is possible. In the past, there was a moment she really thought about getting married. But the relationship didn't really work out in a way she preferred. She loves her career as well. The balance wasn't working out and they simply drifted apart. But she still looks back on their time fondly. It just wasn't meant to be.

She loves hearing when friends and colleagues get married and have kids. But she has also come to accept herself as she is, what she's looking for in her personal happiness. She no longer views being single as "inferior" to married couples. But, also, if she does return to the path of marriage, she doesn't want to pick a partner based on age or circumstances. She tells the reader to take chances with encounters that seem to mesh well, and, even if it falls flat, take it as the learning experience it is. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It may even come out of nowhere!

And now, two quotes from this essay I really loved coming from her:

"Ultimately, finding common ground between work and personal life is incredibly difficult, isn't it? But I think the people who can manage that effortlessly are the ones you're meant to be with."

"If I never end up getting married, I'll just accept it as my destiny in this lifetime."

Higa Manami's Candid Words (3) [the longest in the set]

[Last time you have to click or read the alt text, I promise lol]

22. Romance, an Exhausting War

Manami admits it immediately: Love is tiring. Even now she struggles with it. She’s got plenty of experiences and it never gets any easier. Love shouldn’t be viewed as a form of possession, but one can’t help feeling jealous or emotional when something goes wrong, ex. slow replies. She’s aware of the weaknesses, and she hopes for that moment when she’ll finally evolve from it, but it’s still a struggle.

She doesn’t have a specific type when it comes to romantic pursuits. She’s not interested in classical archetypes (using “tall, high-income, highly educated” as her definitions of such), and age isn’t a factor at all. For her, if the energy and personality resonate with her, that’s what makes her want to get to know someone better. “Interest and goodwill are the only things I value.”

Her career lets her meet all sorts of people, of course. She finds herself drawn to a person’s inner self rather than their appearance or status. Even if one says they don’t have a type, there’s probably a few patterns one may pick up on as they think about their past ventures. What’s the pattern she’s noticed with her own? People who rely on her. Since she has that tendency to help others because it’s part of her own instincts, she likes those that prefer to lean on her instead of those that hope she will ask for their help instead.

Using an example from around 10 years ago, Manami lays down her observances of dating. That is this: The first 3 months are the blissful period, then it starts to settle, and possibly deflate as the pair get used to one another. The romantic aspect begins to blur, and not in a good way. Going back to her example, she remembers it just got so stagnant but she didn’t react to it at all until she started having some drinks. That’s when she finally let loose on a friend. Every time she drank, it was always a complaint about the relationship. The friend metaphorically slapped some sense into her and told her how she looks horrible all the time now. “Your eyes are all puffy and stuff. It’s not cute at all. Do you want to keep looking like this?”

Bam. Manami wakes up to reality.

But, regardless of the relationship’s rockiness, she never wants to do a messy breakup. She will make sure she’s level-headed, and plans what she wants to say. She never wants to look back on even these failed relationships with regret. The sooner she lets go of the feelings before she’s ready to move onto the next relationship because, to her, she wants to be deeply engaged with the ones she has. Too many and it begins to be truly tiring.

“Even as I approach my 40s, I still haven’t come to any conclusions about love. It’s the ultimate human interaction, so, no matter how much experience you have, nothing ever goes according to plan. It’s difficult. Ah, it’s just so difficult…” - actual quote

23. Continuation - Romance, an Exhausting War

In this one, Manami gets a little more relaxed. She talks about an experience where it felt like she ran head-on into someone she met that made her feel incredible. Even if that kind of relationship dissolves, it still remains in your memory as an amazing life experience. Even so, she’s learned that keeping somewhat of a distance between yourself and your lover helps keep the light burning brighter.

She admits she’s not the type of person that gets attached to people easily, but she’s surprised herself when it comes to romance. When she finds someone, she starts to find herself caring about them, wondering what they’re up to, etc. And, pairing it with her instinct to help others, it explodes into full-on doting. In an experience in her 30s, she found herself inviting them to her place more often. She’d cook up so many meals, and she’d go the extra mile for birthdays and anniversaries, just to be sure they’d love the experience! She even gave this particular partner a special videogram with messages from friends and family. Oh, it was amazing!

…But, looking back, she realized she may have been a little TOO enthusiastic with her actions. She really is “all or nothing,” huh?

A lover quietly said one day that if she kept up that sort of stuff to them, they would start to feel spoiled. It wasn’t said maliciously, it wasn’t a sign of breaking up, but it sure confused Manami. Ah, a bittersweet love story…so she says.

She loves to both give and to be relied upon unconditionally. But there’s a little selfishness there as well – if she gives someone chocolates on Valentine’s, she does somewhat expect them to return the favor on White Day. What is the perfect distance to have, then? It’s hard to figure it out, and as a result, the relationships get strained.

…honestly, the rest of the essay NEEDS to be quoted verbatim because Manami has some good thoughts in her own (translated) words. Enjoy:

“I’ve come to the conclusion that the ideal form of marriage is one where we live separately, or a marriage where we only meet on weekends.

I think that, if we each maintain a healthy distance from one another, are independent, but still make time to see each other, we can respect and cherish each other more.

I no longer yearn for living together, or even getting married. It’s not that I’ve lost interest; if we both want to get married, it will happen eventually.

Experience, failure, trial and error.

I’ve been through a lot, and now I’ve got a good grasp of myself.

So, I guess I’ve stopped getting so caught up in romance. That doesn’t mean I’ve become timid. No, if you feel something is right, you should love passionately, regardless of how long you’ve known one another. That kind of sensibility is something I want to cherish, no matter how old I get.”

24. The Fragrance of My 40s (final essay)

Manami has sad news, everyone....

She had to give up kickboxing.

It's because she's noticing her joints are starting to ache more often. She's coming to the realization that she's not getting any younger. But she's still keeping in shape, just more attuned to her body's limits (Pilates and general personal training).

Even now, at the time she was writing these essays and still writing her age on official documents – realizing she's not going to be writing "3-" anymore – she's still having a hard time believing she's going to be 40 soon!

She recalls her recent trip to Sedona, Arizona (Feb 2026) and how amazing and breathtaking it was to see those massive rock formations that took thousands and thousands of years...all that to create such beautiful scenery. Older clothing gets called vintage. Older music is classical. The older the wine, the better as well...but why is it that people always view human aging as a bad thing?

She wants to change that narrative, at least around herself and those she mingles with. She wants to turn the concept of ageing into a celebration. She wants commentary toward wrinkles and scents to be positive ones. Even humans create "geological" layers of themselves, like those rocks in Sedona, and become this specific kind of beauty that should be appreciated.

She looks forward to the ways her appearance will evolve over time and view it all as the amazing results of her life and experiences.

~~~

....wow.

What a woman, huh? What an amazing life she's had. It was so rough at first, and then she broke free from it! ....only to find herself shutting away her true self just to make it big and then plateauing when things got comfortable. But now, she's breaking free again. She's going to be herself now, and take on things that she wants to do. She wants to experience all sorts of stories, people, etc....enrich herself and continue her evolution as she enters her "4th season."

I can't wait to see how her 40s unfold!

This is my favorite photo in the entire book. I can only take a photo with my phone, so it's not the best...but isn't it lovely? Ethereral, even...

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