#funfuckingtastic

[across-the-music]

Well since the day is fucking begging me to go back to bed but my mind won't let me, I'll go for a run. That'll wake me up. Absolutely. Of course.

[hiddenprincessx]

Why must I wake up depressed. Like it’s not bad enough I’m awake at this ungodly hour but now I need to add self loathing and hopelessness

[pinkshadesanddietcock]

I cannot do this anymore. I cannot handle another state exam while working. I cant force myself to study anymore, I cant stay up late, I cant absord the requested info and Im fucking desperate. It's too much, I know shit and I cant study at work anymore cause I ve got cases all the time

[kinardstits]

ah yes fantastic

yet another utterly useless design change that further screws up xkit

which had yet to recover from the previous updates tbh

[xvflao-blog]

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA BE LECTURING ME TO START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY WHEN NO ONE "NAGGED ME" TO GET ON THIS SHIT. AND DON'T NONE OF YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME YOU SHOULDN'T BE NAGGING ME ON IT BECAUSE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS HAVE BEEN NAGGING ME AND DOING ALL MY SHIT FOR ME WHEN I ALWAYS FUCKING WANTED TO DO IT FOR MYSELF. I TRY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AS AN ADULT AND YOU SHIT ON MY EFFORTS AND LEAVE ME WITH NOTHING TO DO. THEN YOU MOTHERFUCKING THROW ME TO THE WOLVES WITHOUT SO MUCH OF A WARNING AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THIS SHIT? YOU INSULT ME AND TELL ME I'M A LAZY SHIT WHO HAS NO INSPIRATION, NO DRIVE, NO MOTHERFUCKING DESIRE TO BE ALIVE? TO BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF BECAUSE NO ONE'S BEING FUCKING UPFRONT WITH ME AND TELLING ME YOUR CONCERNS SO WE CAN FUCKING DISCUSS THIS SHIT IN PERSON? SO I KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING AND I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH ALL THIS CRAP!?

AND HOW IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU GOING TO TEXT ME THIS SHIT AND NOT IN PERSON? SO THAT WHEN I'M ALONE I CAN HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND SIT HERE FEELING LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING KNOW HOW THE HELL YOU FEEL? FUCKING FUCKING FUCK.

AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME "YOU NEVER BROUGHT IT UP" BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BRINGING SHIT UP WHEN I'M BEING COLD SHOULDERED!? YOU'RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME. I MAY BE A HYPOCRITE AT TIMES BUT I CAN FUCKING OWN UP TO IT KNOWING I FUCKING SUCK. I HATE YOUR DAMNED HIGH AND MIGHTY CRAP. I HATE THAT ALL YOU FUCKING PEOPLE DO IS GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER AND I'M LEFT HANGING BACK TRYING BUT KNOWING NOTHING'S GONNA GET THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULLS.

AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME THAT'S MY WARNING OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING CUT A BITCH.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE SAME FUCKERS WHO GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER FOR REASONS I NEVER FUCKING KNOW THEN EXPECT ME TO GROW THE FUCK UP AND THROW ME TO THE WOLVES

AND YOU HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING NERVE TO WONDER WHY I HAVE AN ANXIETY PROBLEM!? TELL ME "OH, IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD" OR "YEAH, RIGHT. YOU?" JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. EXCUSE ME FOR LASHING OUT BEFORE I HEAR YOU SHITS LASH OUT OF ME FIRST. EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING A DEFENSE MECHANISM THAT I SHOW YOU, AND WHEN I'M FUCKING ALONE MY PANIC ATTACKS CREEP UP AND FUCK ME OVER. WHERE I'M FREAKING OUT AND MY HEAD IS DROWNING ME IN EVERYTHING I CAN'T FUCKING CHANGE AND I GO INTO THAT ONE FUCKING SPOT WHERE I CAN'T HELP MYSELF? WHERE MY DEMONS MAKE CAMP AND WAIT FOR ME TO SINK SO FUCKING LOW THAT I'M PUSHED BACK INTO BEING FUCKING DEPRESSED. WHERE I BOTTLE UP ALL MY GODDAMNED FEELINGS AND THEN SUFFOCATE ON THEM BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S MY MOTHERFUCKING FAULT.

SO I'LL GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT BECAUSE YOU TEXTED ME ONCE. ONCE. I'VE BEEN THROWN AROUND IN CONFUSION AND WONDERING WHO THE FUCK'S PAYING FOR SHIT AND EVERYONE'S GONNA BITCH AT ME FOR BEING IRRESPONSIBLE? YOU TEXTED ONCE SAYING "GIVE THE MONEY TO TITO J" AND THEN I TEXT BACK "HOW MUCH WAS IT?" AND YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING. IN PERSON YOU GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER. I HAVE TO FUCKING SHARE A ROOM WITH YOU AND I ALREADY KNOW. I TENSE UP. I SUFFOCATE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? THIS IS THE WORST. THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I KEPT MOVING INTO HOMES WHERE I NEVER FELT I BELONGED. WANNA KNOW WHY FUCKER? BECAUSE I HAVE TO WAIT ONE WEEK AND SHARE A ROOM WITH YOU. THEN WHEN YOU'RE HERE I THINK "I DON'T WANNA BE HOME. I DON'T WANNA GO TO WORK. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS OR THAT I JUST HAVE TO FUCKING GET AWAY," I DON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY. I'M FUCKING LOSING MY SHIT HERE. I HAVE NEVER HAD A PLACE I CAN STAY AND FEEL TOTALLY, COMPLETELY CALM. I MAY HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO I CAN GO TO BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME. I'M STILL TENSE. I'M STILL WORKED UP. I'M STILL FUCKING FUCKED IN THE HEAD. BECAUSE ONCE I'M DONE THERE, I THINK "SHIT, NOW I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE DAY UNTIL I'M BACK." AND "DO I GO HOME? SHOULD I GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? HOW WILL I GET THERE?" 

I'M FUCKING STRESSED AND LOSING MY MIND. I HAVE TO OCCUPY MY HEAD WITH DIFFERENT THOUGHTS. I HAVE TO KEEP THINKING "I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY PROBLEM... EVERYONE SAYS THIS IS NORMAL." BECAUSE NOW I'M INDECISIVE ON WHETHER OR NOT I'M MAKING SHIT UP OR IF I'M CRAZY OR SEEKING ATTENTION AND I CAN'T FUCKING TELL WHAT IS WHAT.

AND GOD. DO YOU WANNA KNOW THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS? I LOVE IT. BECAUSE, MY SISTER AND I KNOW WE CAN'T TALK TO OUR MOM. WE GET BRUSHED OFF, LAUGHED AT, AND EVEN THOUGH I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE FUCKING GOING TO THE DOCTOR TO TALK TO HER MYSELF I FUCKING CAN'T. I CAN'T. THE THINGS I THINK IN MY HEAD IS KILLING ME. 

the fucking fact that my little sister and i have to laugh grimly while we say "right, but you don't have anxiety problems." cue ironic laughter. "because you're not medically diagnosed to be having these problems." 

i remember i was talking to my little cousin, same age as my sister. 16. he has anxiety. "diagnosed by a doctor." he looked at me and said "wow, ate. you have more symptoms than i do... why aren't you being helped?" and i remember retelling that story to my sister saying right after "he thought i was crazy 'cause i had more problems than him and thought i should be the one w/ the most attention", and she laughed. it was the kind of laugh that was like "yeah, right!" it sounded happy, but we both know it's fucked up. "yeah, that's great for crusty and all, but, ate, you don't have an anxiety problem." her laughter. sarcasm. but because she's probably more psychotic than i am, if anyone else had heard they wouldn't think it was a sarcastic kind of laugh. it'd be real. like the frolicking through the flowers with the sun shining down on your back kind of laughter. "because he has a mom who listens." and cue the dun dun dun dunnnnnn.

but watch. so help me God i'm going to be so fucking far away from all of everyone's shit one day and i bet none of you fuckers will even give a shit. funfuckingtastic and fucking fine for me. 

don't fucking give me the goddamned motherfucking cold shoulder for shit i don't even know is happening. don't fucking feed my anxiety and then have me know it's fucking true.

i fucking hate all you fuckers and your superiority and "you're so lazy you do nothing" crap. don't fuck with me. i lost motivation because i was beat down and shit on. i can't even explain it anymore. i feel like i'm fucking going insane and i can't handle it anymore. fuck.

[stefonshotline]

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[paskudaryjek]