Master post (with description, tags, cover art, etc)
“Do it.” I said in a slightly demanding yet fake happy voice. My mask planted heavily on my face, so tight nothing could remove it. Smile huge and eyes so dilated you probably couldn’t see the yellow of my eyes at all.
Pomni was staring at me with a slightly horrified look. Her hands up and holding the gun that I was forcing her to aim straight between my eyes. I was completely bent at the waist so I could be at eye level with her huge red-and-blue pinwheel eyes. Eyes that were looking at me with friendly adoration just minutes before.
“Wh-what?” Pomni asks in a trembling voice.
I didn’t originally think it was possible, but my smile and eyes widen even further. So much that it hurts my face immensely. But I don’t allow myself to falter.
“I said, DO IT.” I repeated in a firmer voice. Not allowing even a single hint of my true feelings to peek through my words. The feelings of calmness when she first hugged me, the happiness that I thought I could never feel again. Morphed into the fear of ‘oh crap, I’ve let myself become attached’. “Shoot me. End the game. I’m sure you can’t wait to be away from me.”
“Wha-no! I thought we were friends! Why would I want to be away from you?” She tries to pull the gun away from my face, but I only grip it tighter. Even pressing it further into my face, to the point it hurts a little and I’m sure it’ll leave an imprint on my face later.
Believe me, Pomni. I want to be around you as much as you seem to want to be around me. I’ve seen your looks, when you laugh at my chaotic antics, everything. But I can’t let this friendship grow any further. Shouldn’t have even let it get to this point in the first place. But I got lazy around you, I stopped masking, stopped pushing you away. But I’m gonna hurt you if this continues. So I’m gonna hurt you in a smaller way now rather than a bigger way later.
“We were NEVER friends.” I say coldly. This is so hard to say. But it needs to be done.
“But we are! We were bonding! Our chats, the chaotic but friendly energies between us. Are you trying to tell me it was all fake!?” Tears have started to form at the corner of her eyes. Giving her eyes an extremely shiny look. I force my vision to go blurry, to go out of focus. There’s no way I can keep this up if I keep being able to see her clearly.
“It was all a lie, Pomni. It was all to mess with Ragatha, to make you ditch her for me.” Stay focused. I can let the dam break when I’m alone.
“No, you’re lying! I’ve seen the way you look at me, how you get really close to me, even the fact that you let your mask down and relax around me. It was real!”
You’re right, it was. But it can’t be any longer.
This time when she tries to pull the gun away from me, I let her. She stumbles back but catches herself before she can fall. I finally allow myself to stand up to my full height and cross my arms across my chest.
“It wasn’t. Now either shoot me, or yourself, so we can end this stupid adventure already.” I still have yet to let my emotions waver, even my ears hurt now from how pin straight I’m forcing them to be right now. I should not have said for her to shoot herself though. I just have a feeling my mind will be making up so many fake ‘worst-case scenarios’ later if that’s what she ends up doing.
“I can read you, Jax! I can tell when you unmask.” She says calmly by the end, no longer yelling at me.
“Ha! Oh yeah?” I tilt my head in a challenge, nobody can see through my mask, or when it comes off. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. The others never give any hints of noticing when I accidentally drop my mask. But Pomni…? Of course I had to get close with someone who was really perceptive.
“Yeah, your expression gets softer, relaxed, there’s a shine in your eyes, and even your ears get floppy. Basically anytime we’ve been alone together, you’ve relaxed around me. So you can’t tell me that it was all fake.”
“Haha, oh my god.” I laugh at her, pushing through the emotions that threaten to show instead. “Are you trying to say you’ve been staring at me that much!? Are you coming onto me Pompom? You want to kiss me or something?” Crap, how’d I let that endearing nickname slip through?
If she noticed the slip up, she didn’t let on. “What? No, I just thought we were becoming really good friends. I thought I would be the one to break through this funny guy schtick, this persona that you’ve put on for everyone else.”
Just how perceptive is this little jester? To much for her own good that’s for sure. “It’s not a persona. This is how I really am. This whole thing is one big game for me. Nothing is real, so I can mess with you all, play with you all in the cruelest ways I can imagine, with no repercussions. I enjoy it! But man, you’re being so embarrassing right now, accusing me of lying. Maybe you’re the jokester around here, the clown.” My cold mask had changed to a teasing look. She needs to believe me and leave already before I lose it.
“What? Jax, I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m being serious. You know that’s not true! I know it’s not true! We were truly having a good time! On our way to being best friends. Why’re you throwing that away? So you can keep up your cruel ‘I don’t care about anybody’ front? I know you care, I’ve seen it.”
“You’re delusional, Pomni. It’s those digital hallucinations coming back from when you first arrived here. Again, this is all just a game! And you not believing that, is causing your mind to make up things that will never be real.”
Tears finally escape her eyes from frustration. “Ugh! Why do you always feel the need to push everyone away? To make everything a joke? Do you ever think that maybe acting like this is what causes people to abstract?”
“Oh-ho what?” My mask is breaking, my face twisting in anger rather than void. Why does she push so dang much? Was she referring to Kaufmo? He was the only abstraction she has seen. “You think my actions is what causes people to abstract? What about everybody else? They’ve all had a hand in his abstraction. Not just me. So don’t you dare accuse me of being the sole reason.” Like I did with her…but Pomni in no way needs to ever find out about her. “Plus people are so hard to be around in the days before their abstraction. Everybody treated him the same way I did, we all avoided him as to not also be affected.” I am saying way too much, stop! “None of us even liked the guy, he was so annoying to be around.” He didn’t used to be though, we were good friends before they left me.
“Even though you claim everybody treated him the same, they at least paid him respect. Gave him the remembrance he deserved. Why didn’t you attend his funeral?” She practically scolded me.
I scoff at her and thrust my face towards hers, my arms still crossed. “I don’t attend any funerals. They’re a complete waste of time.” I didn’t even attend her funeral. The guilt from causing their demise was too great to ever allow me to think I deserved to go. So I vowed not to go to any funerals, because I knew I at least had a small hand in causing them in the first place.
“Probably because you’re scared to show actual emotions. You hide everything unnecessarily. Why?”
But you’re right, I’ve only survived this long by hiding everything, bottling all of my emotions up and throwing them away. Using the shiny little tool tucked away in my room. But Pomni does not need to know that.
Before I respond I stop and finally manage take a deep breath. I close my eyes for a second and collect the anger that was building throughout this stupid argument of ours. Where was it even going? By the time I opened my eyes, my mask was right back on my face, anger no longer present.
Pomni, still teary eyed, twitched from the realization she wasn’t gonna get anything else from me tonight. She clearly realized that she pushed me way too far.
“Jax…” She starts. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I’m just…”
I narrow my eyes at her, guess that was enough to calm her as well. “Yeah, whatever.” I let out a deep sigh and tilt my head. “Man, that was so embarrassing. I don’t know how you managed to get us both angry but damn. Now, what do you say? You gonna shoot me? Get out that last ‘screw you?’ before the awards tonight?”
She keeps quiet for a moment and turns around. Then glances down at the gun that was still in her hands.
“What would you do…if I abstracted tomorrow? Would it really mean nothing to you like you claim it does?” She says barely above a whisper. Well that was a question I’d never thought I would have to answer. I can already tell it won’t do good for my psyche later.
But I just keep my cold mask on my face, and respond in the coldest voice I could muster up. “I’d move on…and forget you ever existed.”
No, I’d lose the rest of what was left of myself. I would completely shatter, become completely unstable. Probably be straight up violent to the others before I ultimately abstract myself. Completely breaking the promise that they made me make.
That was probably one of the worst things I could say. But this friendship needs to end here and now. Before I could cause her to actually abstract.
But then I saw the movement. Her hand that was holding the gun. She adjusted it so that it was aimed at her own head. What? I know I brought up shouting herself earlier, but I didn’t think she would ever actually consider it. Please don’t actually do it, can I convince her to stop in time?
As quick as I could I gave a snort. “Goodness, you really can’t take a joke can yo-“
The gunshot echoed through the bigx, colorful room we were in. Pomni fell back, lifeless. And within seconds, her life counter popped up above her head, the last heart ticking off, and she popped out of the room.
In shock, I stared where she was originally lying. My mask gone, pupils small, and ears drawn back. I can’t believe she actually did that. Did that really just happen? Was I having my own hallucinations? The only thing that was proof she was actually there and what she just did, was the gun still on the floor. It’s honestly quite cruel that there isn’t any blood in adventures. It makes these kinds of situations all that more surreal. And I guess Pomni now knows what death feels like in this hellhole.
Well…I really hope this means I was successful in breaking off our friendship. I just hope…her shooting herself isn’t foreshadowing something really bad happening tomorrow. She had better still be with us tomorrow. She’s strong, right? She can’t be done in from one little argument?
Before I can fully process what just happened, Bubble pops up in front of me with confetti and that damn camera that Caine had given him. I just look at him, unsure what to think or say right now. My knees feeling weak, like I would’ve fallen had Bubble not popped up. I wasn’t even given a chance to properly react with how fast he showed up.
“Wow! Now that was an ending nobody was expecting. Congratulations on being the winner!” More confetti explodes around him and a disembodied applause rings from around us. I actually flinch a bit from it, my senses clearly on the fritz right now. “Your prize is a portal directly to the ‘Favorite Character Awards Show’! With a front row seat. Enjoy!” And he pops out of the room as a portal forms in his spot.
That’s right…the awards show. As soon as Pomni had aimed the gun I had forgotten. But, how in the world could I face the others right now? To sit in the front row for all of them to see? I’m sure Pomni is off telling everybody right now what just transpired. She’s probably upset. But maybe she’ll finally leave me alone. Let me go back to dealing with all of my issues on my own, to pushing everybody away. Maybe she’ll even move on to making fun of me by tomorrow, nothing bad will happen. Right?
After checking my posture and face, which was quickly morphing into depression, I started walking through the portal. In reality, I really wanted to just ignore the portal and walk straight to my room. But I knew Caine would eventually notice and teleport me straight onto the stage or something. So it was best to go of my own free volition.
By the time I was through the portal, my mask was fully on. I look around the auditorium to see it was filled with NPCs, and the stage in the front with the curtains still down. So nothing has started just yet. I look towards where Bubble wanted me to be to see everybody else sitting in the front row, seemingly random spaces in between them. And Pomni? Sitting next to Ragatha. Good. I should’ve never tried to break up the friendship they could’ve had earlier in the first place. I had just wanted to mess with Ragatha, just didn’t expect Pomni to become so attached to me as a result. Or me getting attached to her. I’m sure I can convince my mind to forget about these past couple months, right?
Knowing myself, I’m gonna be over analyzing every little detail. Every time we looked at each other, been near each other, smiled at each other, laughed…maybe I could’ve been as close with Pomni as I was with…her…no.
I literally shake the thought out of my head. I can never allow myself to become that close with someone ever again. I would only end up hurting them, they will end up leaving me, and I will only sink further into the darkness of my brain.
Knowing I in no way can keep up my facade long enough to sit up in the front with the others, I look around for an empty seat in the back. Luckily I find a few in the very back row. Good. Hopefully it’ll get dark enough so that if anybody looks back, they can’t see any dark expression I’m sure I’ll be making as soon as the lights go down.
Luckily, as soon as I sit down, the lights dim and the curtains draw back. It was like Caine was just waiting for everybody to sit down before starting.
Music starts blaring through the auditorium, so loud it almost made me want to grab my sensitive bunny ears and block out the sound. But instead I just drop my mask and slump into my seat. My fake smile dropping into a small frown, bags forming under my eyes, and ears laying flat on my head. Any energy I had during the gun adventure was 100% depleted.
Caine chose that moment to appear on the stage in an explosion of confetti. What is up with his obsession with confetti? I’m just honestly surprised bees aren’t ever included in it, lord knows he has a hyper-fixation on them.
“Welcome to the FAVORITE CHARACTER AWARDS SHOW!” The stupid floating dentures announced even louder than the music holy crap. At that point I leaned against one of the arm rest and gripped the base of my ears, trying my darndest to block out the sound. But it did nothing. “I’m so excited to have everyone here tonight! I hope you all have been killing flares and loving Lucy because this is gonna be an exciting…”
I completely tune him out from that point. Somehow. Something like static fills my ears instead, lulling me into a fake peace. No way in hell did I have the mental capacity to handle this guy tonight for an entire show. So instead of hearing him, I force that into my ears, to dissociate enough to just ignore what’s going on, on the stage.
I glance over at the others, and even though Pomni is really short compared to everybody, I can tell she’s all slumped in the chair. Almost looks like she’s crying, but that could be a stretch. I can confirm that she and Ragatha are talking though. Good, ditch me for her. I’m not allowed to have a friendship with her, but Ragatha is. I never should have tried to pull you away from her in the first place. All I could think about at the time was just another thing to mess with Ragatha about. But maybe even from the very beginning I had become attached to you, Pomni. Unintentionally.
I should’ve never let that happen. I should’ve forced myself to only look at her with disdain. Initially I had treated her the same as the others. But I can’t even pinpoint when that had changed.
I silently groan, finally tearing my eyes away from Pomni and slump further forward in my seat. Burying my face in my hands. Then practically without my consent, my heart rate starts to rise and my skin starts to feel all prickly. Wait, why am I freaking out all of a sudden? What happened? I was keeping calm, was just thinking. It can’t just be from looking away from Pomni right? Was it the reality of the fight earlier finally catching up to me? The fact that I forced myself to shatter probably one of the best things that have happened to me. All because I can’t convince myself that I deserve to have anything good in life.
I truly don’t though. Not with everything I’ve done in my life. Losing them was testament to that fact.
But I can’t have either of them.
‘What would you do…if I abstracted tomorrow?’ Pomni’s voice rings through the static.
Oh god that question. Why did my mind have to repeat it? What if what I did today causes her to actually abstract tomorrow? Did I go too far? Did I wait too late into our building friendship to break it off? Oh my freaking god what have I done? I’m such an idiot!
I lift my head and peek through my fingers. At Caine who was going on about individual rewards, and then at Pomni and Ragatha. Pomni was clearly still talking to her, with a bit more emotion than before. Is she ranting about me? I don’t know. But I can feel my heartbeat rise more and my breath starts to come out in short pants. Why can’t I get myself under control? I’m usually so good about keeping my composure in front of everybody.
My left foot starts thumping on the ground. My anxiety clearly growing as my mind starts going a mile a minute.
“Hey, you good?” A random voice to my left calls to me. I whip my head to the sudden new sound as I practically jump ten feet out of my seat. These bright red, fake comfortable, cheap looking theater seats that the bottom part folds in on you. Which unfortunately, I literally fall into the gap between the back and the bottom of the seat. I yelp out loud at the shock of everything and finally get a good look at whoever spoke.
I freaked out, thinking it was one of the others, but it was just a stinking NPC. Oh my god.
But then remembering I had made a loud sound from the shock, I look up to the front to see if anyone had heard. And much to my dismay, Pomni was looking directly at me. Why’d it have to be her!? Anybody else I could just play it off, but Pomni? The ever perceptive jester will know exactly what was happening back here. About my almost spiral into a public panic attack. I’m sure I look almost sick as a horrified look appears on my face. My heart had stopped when the NPC had spoken to me, but now I feel like it’s about to explode out of my ears as I literally start to shake. A bout of nausea starts to flow up my throat, so ripping my gaze from Pomni’s big concerned eyes, I finally jump from the seat to run down the hallway in the back of the theater. Hoping to find some sort of bathroom. I’ve already embarrassed myself enough today, throwing up in front of someone would just be the cherry on the cake.
I’m welcomed by a brightly lit, long hallway that makes my eyes hurt after being in a semi-dark room. But forcing myself to stay focused, I manage to find a bathroom and bolted towards it. Hoping to whatever god that was out there, that Pomni had decided to just scoff and think ‘eh good riddance’, and not follow me.
Stumbling into the door like the idiot I am, I finally manage to make it to the bathroom. My vision was starting to go blurry from sheer panic so I struggle to find the handle, but I eventually do and duck into the room, locking the door behind me. Finally in full privacy, I run to the sink and twist the knob on to try and give myself something specific to focus on.
I stare at the water flowing out of the silver faucet and into the pristine white sink. But it isn’t enough as my breath comes out in short pants, my lungs feel so tight I feel like I can’t draw any air into them at all. My heart beating so loud and fast it’s the only thing I can hear past the ringing in my ears. My hands was gripping the edges of the sink, trying desperately to keep my grip onto reality, my sanity. But my vision keeps going in and out like a camera trying to find focus. I feel so dizzy I almost think I’m about to pass out.
This was a full blown panic attack.
Over the fear that I might have just caused yet another person to abstract.
It hasn’t even happened yet, but my brain has convinced myself that it will.
But I haven’t caused the death of another friend. Not yet. It isn’t gonna happen! Come on brain, calm down! Pomni will be fine. She’s stronger than that! I know she is.
They abstracted the same day of our big fight. At least from what I can remember.
We argued over the stupidest thing. Me once again pushing people away because I was scared. Why did I even do that with her? We’ve known each other since even before the circus, best of friends. Even partners if it wasn’t for the physical limitations of this blasted place.
Straight into abstraction.
And I am so convinced that I had just made the same mistake.
It’s way too early into our relationship for a fight like that to break her that bad.
The toilet flushes behind me. I jump nearly out of my skin and everything stops. My heart feels like it freezes, my breathing halts. But I start to come back to reality.
I look up at the dirty mirror in front of me, only to see it was black with many multi-colored eyes. I yelp in panic and instinctively slam my fist into the glass, shattering it.
The door opens behind me and I whip my head around to see, oddly enough, disappearing guy walk out.
He lifts his hand up and he only manages out, “He-“ before he blinks out of existence. He’s got to be one of Caines weirdest NPC’s.
And with those distractions, I realize my breathing and my heart rate was steadily going back to normal. I look back at the now broken glass though and saw yet another weird thing.
She was leaning on one of the shiny red stall doors. Looking into my eyes through the mirror, giving me a seemingly gentle smile. But the thing that had me most on edge with her, was the abstracted eyes instead of her gentle black ones.
“Wha-“ I mumble out as I look away from the mirror to look behind me, but she wasn’t there. Then looking back at the mirror, she was now directly behind me. Her hands on my shoulders.
“Hey, Jaxy…miss me?” Her smile grows almost sinister as the lights flicker off for a second. And when they came back on, she was gone.
All I could see in the shattered mirror, was my shocked face and my wide eyes.
“What…was that? Am I really going crazy? Have I fully lost my mind?” I was speaking to myself through the mirror. “I can’t believe my mind has gone so far as to create hallucinations. I just…I don’t even…”
A knock on the door to the room echoes through the space, And I whip my head towards the sound. My good every little sound is making react so harshly. How have I not had a heart attack yet? This had better be another NPC. I don’t think I…
“Hey Jax?” Pomni’s voice carries into the room. Crap. “You’ve been in here for quite a while, I was concerned.”
“I-I’m fine!” I felt the need to answer her, hoping it will make her leave. No way can she see the state of the bathroom right now. Not with the shattered mirror and glass all over the floor. I curse inwardly as my voice cracks though. It’s a good thing this is also technically an adventure. Or else my hand would be straight up bloody from the self inflicted wound.
“Please open the door Jax. I need to make sure you’re really ok. I’m sorry for shooting myself earlier, I just…I needed a little time to think.” Why is Pomni apologizing to me? She didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who was in the wrong here. For leading her on like this.
So I take a deep breath. To find my self control again. And even though she can’t see me just yet, I slip on my mask. Though I can tell it’s straining.
“Oh my god, Pomni. I’m fine I swear. I just wanted to check out how Caine decided to deck out the bathrooms.” I call back in my teasing voice.
“Then why did you lock the door?”
“I found an NPC and wanted some privacy with them, don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to shack it up with an NPC Pomni? What about that alligator guy? What was his name, Gummigoo?” Try to distract her mind from what she came here for.
The door starts rattling. Maybe I’ve managed to piss her off?
“Jax! I don’t want to be with Gummigoo. I want to be with you. Now open this dang door! I can tell you’re deflecting.”
Oh my god, she’s not gonna let up is she?
To try and keep the same attitude, I saunter over the door to finally unlock and open. I flash the little jester one of my signature smiles as we were met face-to-face.
“See what I mean Pommers? I’m fine. I even redecorated the room to my liking. Now let’s just go back to the auditorium.” I cannot let her get more attached to me. So she’ll only get pure fakeness from now on.
I roughly pushed her to the side so I could exit the room, a complete 180 to how I was with her before. But it needs to happen, she needs to understand that.
Pomni was just staring agape at me and the bathroom for a second before she finally came to her senses. Allowing me to walk halfway back to the auditorium. To an awards show I seriously hope was almost over.
“Jax! Wait! We need to talk about this!” She yells after me as she tries to catch back up with her little toothpick legs.
“Ah what?” I dragged out the ‘what’ in a teasing way. “Go talk Rags ear off, I’m sure she’d love that.” My movements are purposely big and exaggerated right now.
“What? No we already talked everything out. It’s you I need to talk to.” She was out of breath but I purposely kept my stride long.
I didn’t reply back since we had made it back to the auditorium. But all I see was the portal. So ignoring any more of Pomni’s attempts to talk, I just left her alone in the now empty building.
