Master post (with description, tags, cover art, etc)
“P-Pomni!? A-are you sure about this?” Ragatha got up and ran up to Pomni, only focusing on her.
I just roll my eyes and stand back up to my full height and glance around the carnival.
“Ragatha, it’s fine. I’ve told you before I can handle him.” I hear Pomni try to reassure Ragatha. Pshh, she can ‘handle me’? Yeah right. It sounds like she’s talking about a child or an animal when she says that…that’s not…how she really see’s me does she? No, throw that out of my mind. I need to focus on this and win, so hopefully Pomni will actually leave me alone.
How would we even do this? Someone will have to keep count of how many animals we each wrangle up. But who would even be willing to do that? Ragatha is still too concerned about Pomni, Gangle would certainly not even want to speak to me, Kinger would go wandering off…maybe Zooble? They’re honestly one of the most level-headed ones here. And just might actually pay attention enough to count. They probably don’t even want to participate in this adventure anyways so it would give them an excuse to just sit somewhere and chill.
I glance back at the girls behind me to see Ragatha still fretting over Pomni. Who was repeatedly still saying she was fine.
“I’m gonna go find Zooble while you two finish up whatever it is you’re doing there.” I mutter to them.
Pomni pushes Ragatha away a bit and takes a step towards me. “Trying to get out of our bet already?”
I scoff. “No, we need someone to keep count right? They seem like the one who’d be the most willing.”
That makes her stop. “Oh, you’re right. Alright I’ll meet you over by the fenced in area in like 5 minutes or whatever.”
“Got it.” Was the last thing I say before walking away from them.
Ugh, I honestly wish I was still floating around in digital death. I don’t want to be here. But…other than hurting her…the interaction I had with Pomni was fun…I wish I was allowed to have that with her. But…
‘Don’t even begin to go down that path Jax. It’ll only make it harder when she inevitably leaves you. Matter of fact, you should’ve never even talked to her like that.’ Ribbit’s dark voice pops up in my mind as I was walking through the carnival.
“No! She’s not your fucking friend! Get that through that thick skull of yours. Remember how she was talking about you to Ragatha? How she can ‘handle you’? She only sees you as something she can fix. An abused animal. That’s all you are to her, nothing more, nothing less. As soon as you start to actually accept her, to start showing signs of being a good guy to her, she’s gonna drop you.’ I don’t appreciate the fact that she can cuss in my head with no censor. I hate hearing those words…but that isn’t the focus right now.
My ears go down in defeat, arms crossed tightly across my chest. I didn’t even realize it but I had stopped walking too. They’re right…Pomni only see’s me as someone to fix. She doesn’t actually want to be friends with me. Well throwing those thoughts out of my mind went out the window.
A voice knocks me out of my stupor and I look up with probably a stupid look on my face and a ‘huh’.
“You good there dude?” It was Zooble. Actually looking concerned for me.
And then I realize I was actually crying so I quickly turn around to rub my eyes.
“I-I’m fine! Just a-a lot of…dirt f-flying in the air.” I deflect. Crap, I let my guard down in public. What’s wrong with me today?
“Uh-huh. You know, if you need to talk to someone, we’re here for you. We won’t judge you for it.” They mention nonchalantly, like it was the most casual thing ever.
“I said I’m fine! T-there’s nothing wro-ng with me.” Augh there’s that stupid stutter and voice crack. It’s the one thing that I find so hard to mask when I’m upset. I very quickly clear my throat and throw on my mask before turning back around. “I was actually looking for you, my dear Zoobs.”
They cock their head at me and crossed their arms all like ‘really?’ Before just sighing. “Guess we’re just gonna ignore what just happened huh?” One last giant sigh before bracing themself to just play along with me. Does Zooble just see me as someone to pity these days? I really can’t tell anymore. “Yeah? What in the world could you want from me?”
“Hehe…” Push down all of my feelings Jax. You don’t deserve their help. Pretend everything is great and you just want to have fun. “Pomni and I are having a little competition on who can wrangle up the most animals, and…my abstract colorful acquaintance…we want you to keep count. Now what do you say?” I tried my best to act like none of that embarrassing moment even happened, and luckily Zooble knew not to push.
They just sigh again. “Fine, whatever gets me out of actually participating. Maybe you two bozos will wrangle up enough that we can get out of here.”
I laugh the most real sounding laugh I can muster right now. “What, you can’t leave?” I drawl.
“Nope. Already tried. The blasted AI put an invisible wall around the carnival. I would’ve been gone the second we got transported here if he didn’t.”
“Whelp…then let’s go ahead and head over to the fenced field area. Pomni says she’ll meet us there.” I point out and turn around to head over. My smile honestly dropping right away. Hopefully Zooble stays a bit behind me.
“Whatever you say.” We start heading over. We were silent for a couple minutes before they speak up again. “You know?”
“Hm?” Oh god, I hoped they would stay silent for the whole walk.
“I thought you would’ve been outright ignoring Pomni right now? After your big fight with her?” Of course Zooble would question that.
“Well…what do you think?” I ask dramatically. “It’s funny to mess with the little jester. She’s so itty bitty it’s hilarious to make her mad.”
Zooble hummed in thought.
“I mean, wouldn’t it be funny if I manage to make her entire body red from anger or embarrassment? HA! She’d look like a literal tomato with how round her bulbous head is.”
“Sure, just keep telling yourself that.” Zooble responds all chill-like.
“Wha-?” I glance at them, confused by their reaction. “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”
They hum once again. “I think I can speak for everyone that we noticed…something you might not have realized yet.”
I scoff at that. “There is absolutely nothing between us, you’re reading too much into what isn’t there.” The gated area finally comes into view, and there was Pomni waiting for us. Unfortunately…so was Ragatha…but luckily it gave me an out for this conversation. Though I don’t know what Zooble was even seeing between us anyways. There really was nothing. Pomni only see’s me as something to fix, nothing more, nothing less. No matter how much I would love her friendship…nope! Push that out of my freaking mind! “Oh look! We’re here!” I take that chance to grab Zooble’s claw hand and force them to walk faster.
“H-hey! Let go you f$&@ing idiot!” They exclaim in shock and anger.
“Ha! Hay is for horses Zoobie.” The exact ammunition to get those thoughts back out of my mind. “And Hershey’s make good chocolate, now come on!”
Once we make it to Pomni, Zooble rips their hand out of mine with a growl.
“You didn’t need to do that, I was already following.” They point out angrily.
“Wh-haaaaat?” I drawl goofily. “It was funny…” More of a distraction really. “Now you can just chill out or whatever the hell you want to do here. Just keep track of the numbers.”
They roll their eyes and just plop down on the grass next to the gate opening. With Ragatha plopping down on the other side of the gate. I honestly thought she would be going to find a horse to hang out with, or something. Eh. “Whatever. Just get on with it.”
I turn around to look back at the carnival, and as if Caine was listening in on everything, it was like all the animals seemed to have appeared at once. Huh, only just now realized I didn’t notice them at all when I was fetching Zooble. Weird.
“So, you ready to get your butt kicked?” Pomni says, walking up next to me.
I scoff at her. “As if! I’m gonna cream you. My pure masculinity will come out and I’ll gather up all of the animals with ease.” I set my fingers on my chest and purposely pop it out jn a hopefully masculine pose. I have to convince her I’m a masculine person. She can’t think otherwise.
“Pffft.” Pomni holds her hand in front of her mouth to try and stop her sudden laughter. After a minute she finally calms down. “Yeah, ok. You tell yourself that my clumsy bunny.”
Well that didn’t work at all. But to hide my hurt, I gasp in mock horror. “Oh I am not clumsy! You take that back.”
She flat out belly laughs at this point. “But yo-you are! I don’t think I have ever seen you not fall, or break something, or hurt yourself, or whatever at least once during an adventure.”
I cross my arms and pout at that. I know I’m extremely clumsy, I can’t help it. But I didn’t expect Pomni to be so blatant about it. Anything to help me convince myself she doesn’t care for me though right?
Pomni finally fully calms down and wipes a tear from her eye. “It’s fine Jax. It’s ok to be clumsy. It’s something that makes you, you. You know?” She gives one last chuckle. “I’m glad we can still mess with each other like this. It’s fun.”
My mind blanks at that. Now what the heck does she mean by that? One second she’s insulting me then the next she acts like we’re friends that just hit a bump in the road. She’s only trying to manipulate me, I just know it. She doesn’t actually care for me.
“Yeah well don’t get any funny ideas, Pomni. We’re not friends or anything.” I say hugging my chest tighter and taking a few steps forwards from her, so she’s out of my sight.
“Hmm yeah…keep telling yourself that.” She says before I hear some shifting behind me so I turn back to her wondering what the heck she was talking about.
“Now what do you mean by that?” Oddly enough, her eyes were on my lower backside until she caught me looking. Crap…was my tail wagging or something? That thing always gives me away. It was…one of Ribbit’s favorite features. I still can’t believe it even came back, looks like I need to learn to control the thing. “Eyes up here numbskull.” I swear my mind and my tail are two totally different entities. But I can’t let myself believe it’s how I truly feel about a situation or someone’s words.
“Hm?” Pomni mumbles with an innocent look on her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about bunny. Anyways…I think we’re ready to get started Zooble.”
“Heh, if you two lovebirds are done…” Zooble starts.
I blush from their choice of words and hide my face behind my hands. What in the world is in the air today? Where is this all coming from? Everybody hates me, they’re just messing with me, I know it!
“Ugh let’s just get this started already!” I yell from frustration. I need the distraction of this stupid little challenge or else I might just do something I’ll regret. It’s moments like these I need my internal voice to remind me not to get close, but they’re staying oddly quiet right now.
Pomni laughs. “Ok, ok, sorry! Zooble’ll stop teasing, right?” She looks at Zooble for confirmation.
Zooble rolls their eyes, but understands when to stop messing with me. “Yeah, don’t worry. Alright, are you two ready?”
What even was that? They’re acting so casual with me, both of them. What the hell happened when I was in digital death? Ugh, I just want this adventure, this day, to be over so I can go hide from everybody again. Being forced to be around everyone right out of digital death is always extremely disorientating, especially if I was in there for a while.
I ended up erasing my thoughts and try my best to go into dissociating. Just do this stupid challenge I so idiotically agreed to, then leave. So I turn back to the carnival and smack the sides of my head a couple times. Act like everything is fine, I told myself. Mask up, put on the persons I hate so much.
And with one last smack the big emotion hiding smile was back on my face. My head empty. Good.
“Yeah, yeah, let’s get on with this crap already! I bet I’ll get to see you get stabbed by a unicorn Pomni!” I really wouldn’t want to see that. But she doesn’t need to know that.
Pomni steps up next to me and looks at me with a frown. She looked like she wanted to say something, but saw my face and let out a sigh.
“I hope one day, you won’t feel the need to mask around us.” She plainly says.
Good lord, this girl is perceptive. She immediately clocked the change in me. But even with that, I force myself to keep the facade up. “Whaaaaat? I don’t know what you’re talking about. This isn’t a mask. I just thought it would be funny to see you get violently maimed!” I deflect expertly. “Wouldn’t it be nice if Caine added the ability to bleed into this circus? That would make it so much more hilarious!” I mime my hands in a fountain type movement to drive the joke home. But Pomni just looks at me unamused. Wonder how long ago she clocked that I basically say the opposite of what I truly mean when I do this? She really needs to leave me alone before I really start to get attached to her.
‘How are you so sure you aren’t already are?’ Dark Ribbit decides to speak up.
I almost lost control over my mask and had to stop my breath from hitching. ‘Stop it!’ I thought to them, my smile strained, I’m sure it even widened, judging from how much my face hurts right now. . ‘Stop popping up randomly! I am not attached to her, I’m not attached to anybody here. I can easily just distance myself from everybody and pretend nobody exists.’
‘Like you tried with me?’
“Go!” Zooble’s voice snaps me out of my head before I can even fully process what was said to me.
“Huh?” I dumbly mumble, glancing behind me at Zooble. My mask completely obliterated from the shock from my thoughts. What was I doing?
“Ugh you f!&$wad, go! You’re the one that agreed to this dumb thing!” Zooble yells at me again.
I remember that we were about to start the competition between Pomni and me. Looking beside me I realize Pomni was already long gone.
“O-oh yeah!” Somehow through the confusion I manage to quickly throw my smile back on and start running. Somehow, I quickly think of something to force my mind out the darkness. “Oh Pompom! I can’t believe you tricked me into being distracted! You’re not playing fair!”
I hear some laughter from the distance. “Oh you’re the one that let yourself get distracted! Keep up Bunny Boy, or else you’re gonna lose before you can even get started!” Oh these little nicknames she’s been giving me is not helping the situation.
My eyes land on a mini red dragon that was sitting atop some plushies of us. What in the world Caine? But I ignore that little disturbing tidbit as I run towards it and force out some harsh laughter. “Have you seen those tiny little toothpicks of yours!? I’ll catch up in no time!” Just a matter of keeping focused.
I hear some more laughter as I reach the dragon. It lifts its head to look at me, then scoffs and starts to run away.
“Oh no you don’t.” I growl at the creature and duck for it. But then I face plant into the grass as it jumps out of the way. Pieces of grass gets stuck in my fur and teeth as I lift my head up and growl at the damn creature. It just stops and sits down in front of me, cocking its head. I would almost call it cute if this was any other situation, but right now I’m trying to win my freedom from Pomni. To get her to finally leave me the hell alone.
But I don’t want her to leave me alone.
I stop for a second as the thought flashes through my mind.
No! She has to leave me alone! I don’t deserve her. I don’t want her!
That renews my desperation as I push myself up and lunge for the dang dragon again. The poor creature yelps and tries to run, but luckily I was fast enough this time and I managed to nab it.
“Gotcha!” I yell in victory as I push up off the ground. It scrambles to get out of my grasp but I hold firm as I walk back to the fenced area.
I had a big victorious smile on my face. But once I get back I see there was already five creatures within the enclosure.
“What? How?” I ask Zooble as I set my singular dragon down past the fence. The thing grunts annoyingly at me but walks away.
“Well…remember how you didn’t exactly pay attention to Caine’s explanation of the adventure? Pomni did. She knows how to gather the animals.” Zooble explains, clearly bored with me.
I scoff at them putting my hands on my hips, even looking back at the carnival hoping to get a glimpse of Pomni to see what she was doing.
“What? Is it something stupid like singing to them like a dainty Disney princess?” I couldn’t see even a hint of that red-and-blue stretched out hat of hers so I look back to Zooble.
Who was raising their eyebrow at me and giving a mocking scoff. “No, you idiot.” Their eyes trail away from me then soften at the sight of someone walking up behind me. “Ah there you are babe.”
“Hey Zooble.” I look behind me to see Gangle waving at Zooble and talking in her usual annoying anime voice. She gives me a wide berth, but walks up to Zooble and settles on the grass next to them. “I thought we were supposed to meet at the ferris wheel?”
“Ah yeah, sorry. But this a&$hole…” they gesture to me kind of rudely, I just roll my eyes, “decided to challenge Pomni to a competition for an adventure he didn’t bother to listen to Caine explain…”
“Zooble…” I growl at them. It’s like they were purposely keeping me from continuing. I was getting angrier with every second that passed, my foot tapping on the ground faster and faster.
“…and he decided to drag me into it and make me keep count of how many animals they each bring over. Like…literally…he rudely dragged me over here.”
“Zooble!” I give my foot one big stomp and and straighten my arms beside me, hands in fist, as I snarl at them.
They continue to ignore me. “Really I should’ve just let my arm detach. But who knows what he would’ve done if I did that. I didn’t want to push him if you know what I mean…” Zooble’s voice was just pure teasing at this point. They very much knew what they were doing.
Gangle giggles at the teasing but smartly doesn’t say anything.
I narrow my eyes at Zooble. “Then what you doing right now…?” I all but growl lowly at them.
Zooble waves me off and sits up a bit straighter. “Oh don’t get your p@$&ies in a twist.” Their face twist in confusion from the censor. “Oh f&$@ me Caine censored more words. Whatever. Ugh. Anyways…”
“Oh my God Zooble, you’re buying time on freaking purpose aren’t you!?” Once again I stomp my foot at them.
Zoobie laughs this time. “God you’re such a rabbit. Anyways…you’re supposed to be gentle with them. Approach them peacefully. Speak in a sweet high voice, click with your tongue, crap like that. Make them trust you. You can get more than one at a time and faster that way.”
I raise my hands and smack them on my sides. “What?”
“Ugh!” I groan and just stomp back into the carnival. Leaving behind a laughing Zooble.
How the hell am I ever supposed to gather up these animals? Maybe I can find a unicorn and ride it? And like…use it to demand authority over the others and force them with? I don’t flipping know.
Then as I do spot a unicorn, I see Pomni riding on some sort of half house, half dog thing, towards the field with at least 10 different animals. Cats, birds, dragons, flying fish, the works.
She spots me staring at her and she starts to wave but then looks a little concerned. My angry expression must’ve given me away on how I was doing with this stupid challenge. Before she could try to stop and ask I stomp out of her sight.
I just try to go for the unicorn for now. First task will be to tame this darn creature, right? Get on and ride it like what Pomni is doing? Ugh I don’t know! But I force myself to calm a bit and glance at the creature. Its head was down and munching on some grass, but it caught my eye and lifted its head. I gulp as it looks at me, just waiting for the creature to immediately scoff and run, but it stays and stares instead.
“Ok…” I whisper. “Zooble says gentle…but…I can’t remember the last time I’ve ever been gentle with an animal.” I was muttering incoherently at this point, the creature just cocks its head at me. “Like…with Ribbit maybe…? Or when I was a kid…I don’t know…” Somehow the unicorn took that as an invitation to step closer to me, surprisingly. So I stop mumbling and stare back. “Umm…hi. Can I…” I hold my hand out in hopes it’ll help build trust, and step forward and couple steps. But then me being the clumsy idiot I am, basically as if to prove Pomni’s earlier point, my foot catches a root in the ground. I fall face first straight into the grass with a frustrated yell. My arms all up at my sides.
And unfortunately, I hear the neigh and the gallop of the creature running away. It did not like that one bit. Great. Maybe I should just give up. I don’t have the ability to be gentle at all. So I just push myself up and walk to the back of a tent to sulk.
After a minute of walking away I find one to lean against. My anger building again at the realizing.
Crap! She’s gonna win the stupid challenge. She’ll never leave me alone now. Why the hell did I accept this without even at least listening to Caine?
I groan and grab the ends of my ears to pull them. Pain erupts through my head but it calms me. Once it felt like I was gonna rip my ears right off my head, I let go. I did not want to explain why I had bloody and torn ears. With a sigh I look up to see the unicorn I saw earlier again, it was looking at me. Guess I didn’t fully scare it away. But the odd thing was that Ribbit was standing next to it. Petting the unicorn and looking at me with those abstraction eyes. The same figure that was in the bathroom with me.
Even weirder though, the unicorn was reacting to the attention. It leaned into the touch. Like Ribbit was actually there. What the hell? Are they not just a hallucination? I look away for a second hoping to find something else to focus on, they’re not real. But then I get an itch in my brain that tells me to look back. And they were staring straight into my eyes, gesturing to me to come closer.
Should I just ignore them and walk away?
I feel like I’m going crazy either way. And who knows if the others can see them or not.
‘Come on Jax.’ They speak directly into my head. ‘You know you want to come to me. Don’t you miss me?’
My ears droop at the sound of her voice. That darker version that always sense a chill down my spine.
‘I do…but you’re not real.’ I respond in my head.
‘How can you be so sure? Are you really, truly sure I didn’t just escape from the cellar?’ They’re testing me.
‘But you wouldn’t be in your frog form. You would still be an abstracted monster.’
They tilt their head at me with a smile, basically inviting me with their eyes to come closer. ‘Well isn’t it common knowledge that we know little to nothing about abstraction? I could be proof that we can come back from it.’
I push myself off the tent I was still leaning against and take a couple steps towards them. ‘But…your eyes…your voice…how you speak…it isn’t the same.’ I had my hands in front of my stomach, fidgeting with the material of the gloves that I wish I could take off my hands. As picking at my nails and cuticles would honestly feel so much better right now.
‘Who’s to say that coming back doesn’t leave us altered? Abstraction corrupts our code, Jax. Me standing here is proof that we can come back, but not perfect, right?’
‘I-I…but you’ve been telling me…cruel things…’ I whisper.
‘What? You think you deserve to be told nice things? I mean, you’re the one that pushed me to abstraction in the first place right?’ She continues to pet the unicorn beside her. Who neighed in appreciation. How come she can placate an animal but I only make them want to run from me?
‘I-…you’re right…I did.’ I agreed with her after watching her for a minute. ‘I’m a horrible person.’
She nods. ‘You really are…I mean…I’m doing you a kindness just by standing here in front of you…speaking to you softly rather than yelling. Screaming at you…now that’s what you really deserve right?’
I nod. I don’t deserve anything other than the worst in people. To be screamed at, shunned, bullied, anything that isn’t kindness. ‘You’re right.’ I can’t believe my actions changed Ribbit so much that she would talk to me like this.
She holds her hand out, an invitation. ‘Come with me Jax. I can give you what you’ve always wanted, what you’ve been craving.’
I stare at her hand, then into her colorful eyes. What do I do? Go with her? The one person in this whole digital world that I want to be with? Or go back to the others? Who all clearly hate my very existence and only see me as an animal to fix.
‘I…I don’t…how do you know what I’ve been wanting?’ I respond timidly.
“Hmm…I know you want to be away from all these people…I know you want to abstract and live out forever with me…’ She responds softly.
‘But…you told me I can’t abstract. That I’m not allowed to. That it’s too much of a good thing for me. I only deserve to suffer.’ Or at least that’s what I remember hearing her say. That day is still so foggy and patchy.
‘Well…I did…but it’s been a year. I think that’s enough punishment right? Come with me Jax. We can live out eternity together.’
This doesn’t make sense. What is she saying to me? Is this really her? Did she really come back from abstraction just to tempt me into it? I…want to go with her. I really do. The logical side of my brain says to run. To run far away. This is just a hallucination that my mentally disturbed brain has created to drag me into temptation. To finally give up on this life. But my heart. It yearns for her. Ribbit was the love of my life. Even if I didn’t really show it back then. She was my everything. I would give anything to have her back. But does that anything include giving up my own life to be with her?
“Jax!” Pomni’s faraway voice yells for me.
One second I was just about to reach for Ribbit, the next minute, I found myself right in front of the unicorn. Petting the . It was neighing happily, nosing me. Huh? Where’d Ribbit go? Glancing around she was nowhere to be found. In a singular blink and outside noise, she was gone.
Was it really all in my head? I wasn’t talking to them? I was just successfully petting this creature the whole time? What is even reality anymore? I don’t know.
“Jax?” Pomni’s voice was closer. “There you are. I thought you ran off or something.”
I look over to see her walking up to me, a smile on her face as she watches me pet the happy creature.
“I…I…” I only managed to stutter. Not sure what to say right now. Is it safe to assume she’s real?
“You managed to tame one. I say that’s a win in my book.” Pomni mentions happily.
“Huh?” My mind is still realing, what are even words right now?
“You were struggling, remember? But look! It likes you.” She reaches up to scratch their neck, which they also appreciated.
“Ah…uh yeah. I suppose so.” Without even realizing it I had a small smile on my face. My mind is so back and forth right now. One second I’m berating myself and only thinking horrible things, then the next…I’m being pleasant with a gentle creature. What do I really want anymore?
Do I want to leave all this? Go abstract in a dark corner all alone?
Or do I want to accept Pomni’s help? And somehow look past the ‘she only see’s you as an animal to fix’ thoughts.
“Hey, you good?” She snaps me out of my thoughts once again. I am extremely spacey right now, my goodness. I’m usually better at hiding it than this.
Something about this creature being so happy to be around me, clicked something in my mind. Maybe I’m not such a horrible person. Right? They always say animals can sense what kind of person you really are. But…I don’t know. This one could just be broken. Before I know it the smile on my face was gone, and I dropped my arm. Just one creature shouldn’t be enough for me to completely change how I feel about myself.
“I’m fiiine.” I drawl forcing on my fake smile. Honestly, I don’t know what to think right now, my head is a mess. So I just put my hands on my hips and look at Pomni. “So now what, Poms? Clearly you won. Are you never gonna take your eyes off me now? Try to fix me? Do whatever it takes to make you feel like you’re a good person?” Finally I’m voicing what Ribbit was telling me before.
Pomni’s face twist in confusion. “Huh? What? No. I want to be your friend, Jax. I want you to stop your self-deprecating thoughts and see that you are a good person underneath your persona. I mean, just watching you pet this creature proves to me there’s a gentle side to you. I’m just tired of the fakeness you put on.”
I scoff. “This isn’t fake, Pompom. I’m not a good person. Get that through your head already.” She is going down a dangerous road spouting all that to me. I need to stop this before I divulge some information nobody in this stupid circus ever needs to know. Before this launches into an even bigger argument than before. I don’t think I can mentally handle another one so soon.
“But-ugh!” She stomps her foot and shakes her head in frustration. Her hat was still all stretched out from when I messed with her earlier…it somehow makes her look cuter…oh…my…god…what the hell is wrong with my head today!? “I know this isn’t you, Jax! I just, my god!”
“But this is me, Pomni!” The unicorn has all but run away now as I yell at Pomni. Any trace of my mask has completely disappeared from my face, just pure frustration and anger right now at her constant flipping pushing. “How many times do I need to tell you that before it gets through your freaking ball-shaped head!? I am an absolutely horrible person, who only see’s you fools as toys to play with!” I was bent at the waist to try and get more eye-to-eye to her.
“But you don’t!” She was trying to get all close to my face as well. “I can tell that we aren’t playthings to you! You want to be friends, it’s just something in that deranged head of yours keeps you from accepting it!”
My god! Why can’t this little jester be like everybody else and just accept what I say!? She is so freaking perceptive and persistent. I swear nothing I ever say will make her back off! But I can’t back down. Maybe I bc could try a different tactic?
“This whole circus isn’t even real in the first place! This place is a computer program, I am a computer program, YOU are a computer program! So why the hell would I ever need to pretend and treat you like you’re a real person? Huh!?” I take a step towards her and jab my finger into her chest. “I don’t know why you seem to have gotten into your head that I’m a little chicken fetus in an egg that needs to be cracked open. Because I am clearly not! I am just the villain of the story that needs to be left the hell alone!” Oh god why’d I say that?
I jabbed her chest again, making her take a step back and a grunt from the pain. This whole thing is a ploy to convince my own brain as well. I’m just an evil person who only deserves the worst in life. I can’t have anybody trying to convince me otherwise anymore. But…man I’m tired. I’m so dang tired of this life, I wish I could just not wake up tomorrow.
“I will only drag you down, Pomni.” My tone starts to shift at this point. The tiredness starts to bleed through. “Ragatha was right. I’ve only been trying to corrupt you. To drag you down to my level. You need to leave me the hell alone before you’re too far in the darkness to drag yourself back out. Stop digging Pomni. You won’t find anything you were hoping for. I am not the sunshine and rainbows you claim me to be. You will only find pitch black darkness.” I place my whole palm flat on her chest and push her just hard enough to knock her over. Not enough to hurt her, because even though I want to hurt her enough emotionally to break her, to give up on me. I still don’t want to actually hurt her.
She hits the ground with an ‘oomph’. Good. She just stares at me, I stare back for a moment. I’m so tired I can’t even try to hide it anymore. Can’t even muster up the energy to keep my ears perky. Eventually I decide she’s finally done fighting with me and I turn to walk away. But I guess she decided she wasn’t done.
“I…I don’t believe that Jax.” She says barely above a whisper.
“I don’t believe that…you are a bad person. You’ve clearly been hurt though. And have possibly been pushed to making decisions that you regret. I don’t know by who, whether it was someone within the circus…or before. But…I don’t believe that you’re a bad person. And also…I don’t believe that you truly think we are computer generated creations.” I hear some rustling I can only assume is her getting back off the ground. “We are human, Jax. Not AI. Human. None of us deserve to live in isolation, in the darkness. We all need someone we can lean on for love and support.”
I wrap my arms tight around my torso. This is a moment I wish I had a pillow to squeeze against my chest. Especially as the emotion starts to well up in my chest. No, I can’t allow myself to cry in front of her. Why does she push so hard? Why hasn’t she given up yet!?
“No, please.” I shake my head in desperation as I start to crash, I need to get away from here, now. “Stop pushing already, Pomni.” She can’t know anything that I’ve done before she met me, before I joined this circus. She cannot know. “There is nothing more to me. I swear. Just…I’m sorry I’m already breaking our bet. Leave me alone, please. I’m begging you.” I’m sure she’s realized just how much she’s broken me today. I don’t even think this was the resolution to this fight she was hoping for. I won’t blame her, she was trying to help.
‘Trying to fix a wounded animal, remember.’ Ribbit voices up again in my head.
Right. Just trying to fix a wounded animal. To help her own ego.
“But Jax…” Pomni whispers.
I shake my head, trying my best to hold back my tears. “Please stop already. I can’t.”
And with that, I walk away from her. And hope that she won’t follow.
