scared but happy
It started in February 2014 when I got dumped for the first time in my life. I hit in sadness super hard, that I became stronger, harsher, tougher, more careful, trust-less and always scared but always ready for it. However, in the same year, I decided to kill all the emotions inside me and become rationally. I did it, to the extent that I reached a point which I never thought about, or even dreamed about.
Anyway, as usual, I was unlucky at all. I faced so many obstacles much more than my energy, much more than any teen could bear. but by that time (2015) was still weaker than 2014. and so I got to pass 2015 as well and changed all the bad luck to what I wanted.
2016 came and fucked me so hard that at times thought 2014 was nothing comparing to it. times, I wanted to go back to 2014 and handle that pain again instead. times, I was looking just for a small corner that I could hide myself in and cry, maybe tears could have helped me to pass. times, I got forced by my own emotions that I thought were dead, to do things that I never imagined my self-doing it. times, I was about to give UP.
Anyway, as time passed I start flying like a lovely bird in the sky of freedom, but in reality, I was just lost and trying to find the way. I seemed to be happy but I was dying inside, I was helping everyone who needed help, but I was in need of help more than anyone.
2017 I start becoming addicted to all the pain and hard path, I liked everything surrounding me. I start not feeling anything when I supposed to feel, I start becoming emotional when I shouldn’t be. I start choosing and doing all that I want in a painful way.
AND now I am planning to enter 2018 with a new hard pain, but it will be different than all the others. because this one is chosen by me not by the time scale nor by the luck or any other invisible power. YES, I am scared but am also happy, no matter how painful my path might seem, as long as I am addicted to it, then it is a happiness. I also believe that fear makes us stronger, more ready, it also expands our expectations ( mostly negatively) which just make us who we are actually.