Y’all. I am fucking crying. I am heart broken. I legit fell off the Bruno bandwagon and just kind of went down a hole this week because it’s Spring Break at work and the social distancing thing. I reread The Good Life and started on The Hook-Up. As I was settling in I went to check in on my Bruno anon who I had connected to on Facebook after that trend faded. She struggled a lot with her mental health and we worked on a lot of stuff together. She had seizures and anxiety and depression. As a social worker I even helped her process and worked through some crisis things. Her user name was Fuxwitbruno. She was also the one that wrote those extra steamy Bruno porn one shots. She would hate that I told y’all that. She’d be so embarrassed. But you all need to know her.
I stopped hearing from her a long while ago and just assumed she had deleted her Facebook or stopped sharing stuff. I respected her distance and felt like I was missing her today. I was mostly expecting the little blue face profile picture and not finding out about her and hoping she moved on and things were okay for her.
Y’all. Fuxwitbruno died in August. I am in tears. And I don’t know how weird it would be to reach out to her sister or mom to ask about her. I don’t know if it was a tragic accident or if it was an overdose or what. But I’m so hurt right now. Mostly for her family and really sad I didn’t reach out last summer. Sure, I lost a Bruno anon and writing partner but losing someone that I couldn’t help really hurts. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Y’all.
Her name was Sarah Knuth and she was 26. Her birthday was December 18, 1992, and she passed away on August 12, 2019. She was from Florida and she fucking loved Bruno y’all. She hated Jessica with the same amount of passion that I did. She didn’t do anything to us but she just was like that person you go to high school with that just rubs you the wrong way. She was working through her grief of losing the chance to be with Bruno. But, I mean, who isn’t even if he and Jess have been together for like nine years now? She had three sisters and a brother. She had nieces and nephews. Her parents loved her. Her siblings and nieces and nephews loved her.
I’m not sure who photoshopped that photo of her and Bruno together, but that’s the Sarah I knew and loved and I am so sad that I can’t message her right now and just say “Hey, I was going down a Bruno spiral and I wanted to check in.” Sarah, I love you and will miss you and miss all the reactions and things you’d have to say when Bruno comes back to us.
Sarah was my Bruno Anon and I think we had a long back and forth a few months before she passed away. So. I’m going to try to end this in a dramatic, hateful but loving sort of way that I hope she would approve of if she was reading it. Or she would send me a facebook message later saying, “No. That’s stupid.”
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Dear Bruno Anon...
I was laying on the couch watching all three children bounce around to a youtube of child yoga. It was day five of the quarantine and I felt like things were up and things were down. How in the world do teachers do this stuff day in and day out? I have a big enough yard. There's a pool, a swing set,a basketball court. You insisted that they have everything and after a few weeks at the house I realized you were right. They needed the stuff in the backyard.
It was 2022 and this was the second stupid mega world virus that the world was living through. This time, the world kind of knew how to handle it and the government was not playing games this time. The world wasn't playing games this time. But, you, you always played games. And this time there was an end to the game. And it won't be a happy ending, for anyone.
My phone buzzed and I glanced over at it seeing Damaris's name pop up. Ugh. What the hell is this bitch calling me for? We still played games. There were even days when I considered that we might work. But, the two of you were living a bicoastal life. You were in New York at the moment, but I had no idea where you were. You were a big boy and could take care of yourself, until you couldn't.
“Hey...” I picked up the phone walking out of the living room to get a bit of peace and quiet from the now two ten years olds and an eight year old.
“Lauren...” Damaris paused in a quiet tone. I've never heard that tone from her. It was almost like a calm tone a mother would use when their child was hurt. Through the pause I heard a loud hoarse cough.
“Yeah?” I hesitated. “What's going on?” I asked hearing her clear her throat.
“He didn't do what he should have.” she told me over another loud cough.
“What do you mean?” I ask still confused.
“He's sick, dude.” Damaris said. “I think I am too.”
“Woah, wait. Like sick?” I emphasized.
“Yeah. It started a few days ago. He insisted he needed this new guitar and I went with and we just kind of did whatever. It wasn't crowded or anything so the quiet and being able to go shopping was kind of nice. Without people noticing and all.”
“Oh my god! What the hell were you two thinking?” I yelled. “What the actual fuck were you two thinking?” I screamed walking to the front door closing the door behind me.
“It was like I couldn't taste anything and he said he wasn't smelling anything and....”
“And you didn't like remember from the last time this shit happened that these were the first signs of the damn thing? And now you're both stuck at home until you ride it out and...” I start to ramble.
“Ummm....Laur....he's in the hospital. In isolation.” Damaris told me.
“Until his fever spikes and his cough goes away....” I scoff.
“Lauren....you guys need to come to New York.” Damaris said.
“No one is traveling anywhere...” I answer.
“His lungs are failing. His fever is like 102. He's not eating.” Damaris said sniffing away tears and coughing at the same time.
“Wait....he's 37....he's not at risk....why the hell is it so bad?” I ask not getting an answer hearing sniffs and tears with the phone being moved over to Bruno.
“Laur....” she heard Bruno's post he drank way too much and is almost done with being hung over after smoking way too much weed voice. “I need to see them.”
“Where is everyone?” I inquire, “Your dad, your sisters, your brother...”
“Can you call them?” she heard a heavy sigh and more coughing. “Y'all come together...” she heard a quiet almost whisper.
“What?” she almost yelled. “You want me to call your family and tell them you're fucking dying because you fucking didn't listen to everyone in the whole wide world and went out when this alien virus thing was going around again?” she screamed starting to cry at the gravity of what she was saying out loud. “Oh my god.....” she heard a shuffle of the phone again. “Hello?”
“Hi...ummm....my name is Marianne and I'm a social worker here at the hospital. He changed his MPOA to you after Damaris started getting sick.....I don't know what you want to do.”
“Don't I not make decisions unless he's incapable of making his own? He's fine....” I said remembering all my training. “I did this for a while....I get he changed it but that's not important until he can't make decisions....”
“Yes, Ms.....” she started.
“It's Holt.” I answered.
“Ms. Holt, I just want you to be aware of the decision making process. Ms. Ayala doesn't have any power to make decisions and the doctor will want to talk to the two of you...” Marianne told her.
“I'll figure out how to get there...but I need help, Marianne...right?” I clarified her name.
“He asked me to call his family...I can't do that. I can give you the names and numbers. But I literally and figuratively cannot call his family telling them that their asshole famous musician son is dying from the same thing that's killing most of the world right now. I cannot.”
“Yes. Ms. Holt. Please get me those numbers and I, or our end of life social worker will reach out.” Marianne said.
“End of life?” I ask starting to cry unbearable unrelenting tears. “Is that a polite way to refer to your palliative care team?”
“Umm....” Marianne said. “Do you have someone you can reach out to, Lauren?” she asked.
“Yeah. My sister and mother.” I respond. “I will call them. I have the numbers....” I rattled off a series of numbers for whoever the social worker saw fit, to contact and hung up. I fell into the grass face first sobbing. I don't want him dead. He has three kids. He has that bitch. He has his whole fucking family. He has the whole world...he can't end life like this....
“Mommmmmmmm!” I hear three loud versions of my name being screamed as the front door opened.
“Mom? Is it dad?” Everlee asked as all three of the children sitting on the grass. It wasn't the first time they had all sat on the floor crying with me. It was mostly after we argued and yelled and you left me. Everlee was a pro at comforting me. Emanuelle was doing pretty well and Ezra just watched. I nodded by head.
“We have to go see dad soon, y'all. We'll have to pack some black stuff...” I’m mostly doing this for myself. I don’t think anyone ever remembers how deep into that Bruno Mars anon I got.
We’re gonna play a new game called Top 10 TV Shows, because there’s one for films, so I’d like to do one for TV shows. Write down your top shows and tag 10 people to do the same!
The news....
Scandal
Grey’s Anatomy
The Goldbergs
The Voice
Empire
How to get away with murder
Friends
Pretty Little Liars
Being Mary Jane
Tagging my fave fuxwitbruno and that’s it because I can’t think of anyone else.
Sorry.. Some of my posts that were in your newsfeed were about someone who shall not be named.. I didn't see that we were doing a 3 day challenge or I would have participated.. Lol
No no no I rebloged your post and I loved it. It was directly on point. And 100% true! Lol 😁
