#ga 12x06

[melanieexox]

Ghost Adventures | 12x06: After Zak and co add up information about the spirit, the spirit in question replies...

[melanieexox]

Ghost Adventures | 12x06: Aaron plays hide and seek with a spirit.

[treacheuryouswhore]

ok can we all agree that we needed more scenes with our favorite peds surgeons arizona and alex and that there was absolutely no chemistry between penny and callie? i mean you can see that sara is acting her ass off with as much emotion as she can but there just isnt chemistry in any of the talking or kissing scenes that they have

[medkidblog]

So, I just watched the new Grey’s Anatomy episode (12x05) and I was suddenly reminded of Derek’s death in a way I’d rather not.

To backtrack a bit, Derek’s death some time during my revision period for my first professional examinations. It was already a period of extreme stress when I had no idea how I was supposed to be studying and whether I would make it through the exams at all. And then comes the brilliant Derek Shepherd who thinks “I’m going to die because these people aren’t properly trained.”

The moment I heard those words I started crying. I didn’t cry for the character, or his wife, or their relationship, or the show’s history. I cried for myself because in that moment all my insecurities about being a terrible student came out with this one sentence and I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was terrified that I wouldn’t make a good doctor.

The funny thing is that since I’ve joined Med School I haven’t given much thought to what sort of doctor I’ll be, what sort of principles I’d live by. I didn’t think about the fact that I’d be in charge of patient’s lives even though we often joked about some people killing patients if they ever became doctors.

I’m not going to admit that I’m the best student in my class, nor that I remember everything I learnt from first year because I don’t. But whenever think back to how I felt in that moment when I was quite literally wailing in front of my computer screen I remind myself that I can’t let myself feel that way again.

Luckily, I haven’t so far. At least not to that extent because doubt is something that never leaves me, and I hope it doesn’t because it forces me to reevaluate my life and the situation I’m in. It’s sort of made me more serious towards my studies. We’ve also started hospital postings so that reinforces just how little we actually know and how much more there is to learn.

The point of writing this and also of this blog is to write my completely honest thoughts as a medical student. And I guess that what I’ve learnt is that even a show about fake doctors can effect real ones.