but as it is 2 am i hate myself and want to die because i am nothing, i am the scum on the scum of the earth that makes you want to claw your eyes out (couldn't even come up with that myself, i know amazing), i am everything you can't say so you get so fucking frustrated you want a door to slam on your head, i am what sinks below the grime and muck, i am the darkness and the disgusting.
i am not smart
i cant think of a great way to word this very sentence and i never will not even when im 6 feet under.
i told her to die, the one i love and the one i fucking despise because i am such a wreck and i lie and i want to cry and i dont think want to live
i am a fucking horrible human being and if anyone listens to what i have to say, i tell them lies. i know nothing of the truth because i somehow have been blind to it. as i type this and watch the tears sink into my keyboard, i truly am sorry. and i think this is the only time i have ever been completely honest.
sorry
sorry to no one and everyone.
sorry to the people who have even seen a glimpse of me, they probably know how much i lie too.
every time i close my eyes i hear an evil laugh and i cant sleep
he laughs and he laughs and he is mocking me as i think because i cannot process a single thought without messing up anything and everything
im choking on my tears and dont know how i could even continue to breath without being disgusted with myself because i want to rip myself apart and sink into my bed and watch as the world goes on so you can get happier withought me and i know i know i know i i know it will get better itll get better they say itll get better and every though everything you thought about me was amazing but i am nothing but a lie amoung the earth i am the treasure chest in which everyone keeps their lies because im fucking horrible and i am full of tears and lies and i wanted to tell you and tell oyu if you opened me up youd find flowers for you and how much i love you but that is simply a lie because if you'd open me up i'd tell you im sorry and that isnt a lie but i'd tell you to leave me because i know that i need to sit there i need to be left opened and dead so i know how you felt, i probably cant even come a second to close to feeling how you felt when i ripped your heart apart
so as i type this and if you read this and your heart is still beating i want you to leave me, i i want you to leave me dead and in the open so i could get a simple idea of your pain. i am sorry
i tried i tried i tried to i tried i fucking tried and i cant without hearing the laugh and i close my eyes and open them repeatedly and my vision is just getting blurring every once in a while and i continue to cry i break out every few hours and i hurts and i cant stand it hurts to exist because i belong in the fucking corner of the earth where the rats don't even roam because they are scared and disgusted of the dark place that i am and i dont know i dont know i just dont know
everything you thought about me, how you thought every little thing i do every day makes you smile, is what makes me sick and what makes me feel like my teeth are being put to the curb and im letting my face get smashed it with a baseball bat
i despise myself in this very moment and have for a long time
i can't tell you "till tomorrow" in this mesage because that would be another lie.
i am sorry
and if you read this, if you took the time to, know that im im grateful, but dont even reply.
dont reply because i dont deserve it
dont reply because i cant stand the idea of being left with that because i will read it and i will read it and i will take the time out of my day to think of it and i will cave further into myself and drown in every single bad thought to exist.
but know that as you leave me, you might forget, you might forget about me and that's good and that's okay, because it will get better for you, it will
maybe you'll get out of this fucking excuse for a town and blossom like i said you would, turn into something better than i ever will be. it'll be okay.
