Vegetables!AU for the Win 8D
Enjolras is a tomato. Because he’s red, of course, and needs / love sunlight. And he can be sweet sometimes, or acidic, depending on how you take him. Lots of people mistake him for a vegetable, but he’s a fruit, thankyouverymuch.
Grantaire is a pickle, green, of course. He fizzles and stings, and can go very well with a lot of foods or can be used as decoration. But sometimes, he’s very acidic and bites. And it’s preserved in winegar, which is just old alcohol.
Courfeyrac is a blueberry. He’s sweet and grows everywhere, especially on you~ Also, he’s all round and rolls (and goes) around, you can find him everywhere. He has a sweet, almost black color, very elegant~ Everyone loves him because blackberries are good.
Combeferre is a cucumber. He’s tall, he’s tasty, but a bit bitter, and can seem quite biting if you take him when he’s cold. But once he warms up to you, he’s very good, if a bit salty sometimes. Also, endless phallic jokes from Courfberry.
Feuilly is a carrot. Because he needs to be orange, and he’s too scrawny to be a pumpkin. Carrots are very widespread, sometimes wild, sometimes in fields, and easy to cultivate. They have pretty white flowers that fan out a lot~
Bahorel is the pumpkin, the biggest vegetable in the garden (cauliflowers don’t exist and I’ll fight you for this). He has a lot of little pumpkin brothers and sisters. He’s sweet, very adaptable and a lot of people like him, and he can be very scary come Halloween. Also, he can turn into a carriage. Bonus.
Bossuet is a plum. Sweet, all round and a bit fuzzy, but mostly very smooth, sugary and always lovely. Can be obtained as a cherry plum too.
And Joly is a peach, because he’s all soft, sweet, and so fuzzy and nice that you want to cuddle him.
Alternatively, Bossuet and Joly are cherries, because soft sweet round smooth, and because cherries go by two like the Bini.
Musichetta in an apple. Acidic or sweet, red, yellow or green, there are so many ‘Chettas, and she’s so versatile and widespread ! Everyone likes her. And she’s bigger than both Bossuet and Joly. Alternatively, she’s the third cherry.
Jehan is an onion. You may not think much of him because you’re afraid of his taste, and by himself it can be quite weird. But he enhances everyone else’s flavor and can turn a dish into an oeuvre d’art. But be careful, he can easily make you cry ! And he has lots of colorful layers.
Marius is a witloof / Belgian endive. Poeple who don’t know him may think he’s bland and not very interesting, or even unpleasant, and tend to avoid him. But when you know how to take him, he can be quite delicious~ (if a bit bitter sometimes).
Cosette is a tangerine. You think she’s all tiny and round and cute, and BAM ! ACID IN YOUR FACE ! Do not underestimate her ! But yeah, most of the time; she’s VERY sweet, and she smells good. And you can make pretty candles out of her.
Of course, Jean Valjean is a breadfruit. Could he really be anything else ? But beside the obvious pun, he’s very nourishing and can be cooked in a lot of ways.
Javert is Illicium verumor star anise, you can guess why. His taste is not very liked, at least not on its own, and can even be downright unpleasant. But he can surprisingly very nice in sweets. Just don’t talk to him about absinthe..
The Thénardier are gooseberries. Mainly because their french name, maquereau, is the same used to call a pimp. And I can’t resist a pun. Also, their bushes sometimes look very maintained, but don’t let it fool you ! IT’S A TRAP ! MADE OF THORNS AND DECEPTION ! There’s really something fishy down there…*
Meaning Eponine and Gavroche are gooseberries too. But they ran away from the bushes and hang around the rest of the garden, figthing insects and “borrowing” water and sunlight from the other plants (they love to hang around on Bahorel’s leaves because they can see the whole garden from here.)
Montparnasse is a blackberry. He’s daaaark, grows in the shade, is all sweet and nice but can make you very sick. He’s ashamed of leaving stains on clothes, because he’s refined, thank you very much, and never misses an opportunity to remind you that he’s from the same family as roses and he has thorns too.
Claquesous is a raspberry. Like Montparnasse, but pinker, and he doesn’t need to remind you about the roses. He just stings.
Gueulemer is a potato. You may think he’s a synonym for “stupid” in french, but don’t underestimate him. A potato can wait for years, doesn’t rot, and is a tuber of many possibilities.
And Babet and Brujon are cloves, because cloves have a strong taste, are spicy, and were and are still used as remedies and painkillers, and I can’t remember which one is the dentist.
Everyone is living peacefully in M. Mabeuf’s garden, enjoying the sunlight, the water and the gentle breeze. But one day, Enjomato decides that enough is enough, let’s erase the line between fruits and vegetables, because it’s stupid and arbitrary !
He gets a bunch of other fruits and vegetables around him. Courfberry and Cucumbferre, that carrot he admires so much, everyone. Pickletaire joins too, even if just to admire Enjomato and his perfect red complexion, and spend time with his best friends, Joleach and Plumssuet. In the end, everyone joins, even Mariusloof, even if he’s madly in love with Cosetterine, Breadjean’s adopted daughter.
Enjomato plans his revolution with his friends, Courfberry likes Cucumbferre, Montberry tries not to look too smitten with Jehonion Prouvaire, Bahokin wants to fight everyone except Feuillyrot because Feuillyrot is quite cute for a tiny vegetable, Pickletaire pins, Plumssuet, Joleach and ‘Chettapple are in perfect love, Patron-Binette is around, Anisevert tries to arrest Breadjean for that time when he stole weedkiller, Gooseponine and Goosevroche roll around too, and everything comes to a halt when les Amis de la Bêchée build a barricade out of garden tools and get ready to protest !
Sad ending : the barricade is defeated and everyone ends up in a pie or a soup.
Good ending : M. Mabeuf just puts everyone and the tools back, and everyone still lives happy even if Enjomato is still mistaken for a vegetable, but Pickletaire does his best to distract him. Courfberry and Cucumbferre find their own little patch of sunlight and live happily ever after.
*stupid pun, because “maquereau” comes from the fish, because gooseberries were used to enhance that fish’s taste.
