There’s a million things I’d like to say to you. Sadly, it would hurt my hand to hand write them all and I think there’s not enough time for you to read them all. Everything I’d love to say to you is piled in a bundle, like clothes thrown over a chair, our scents still lingering there. So now, I shall take the time to pick up each piece, to pull out each memory and thought, and organize them. Folding them gently and putting them back. I will organize the wardrobe of my heart, and pick the best outfit to show you. That is how I will write you this letter.
To be honest, I don't even know what I want to say. It’s not a goodbye, it’s not a breakup, it’s not a get better soon, it’s not even an I’m sorry. It’s not a sad event, yet the tears keep falling. I guess this is a letter of love. A love I have only ever experienced with you. As a young girl, I used to watch Disney movies and romantic scenes with pessimism. I didn’t believe in true love or love at all, and always thought love had an expiration date, that it was a temporary, transactional, fleeting feeling. A feeling, not a state of being.
My beliefs about love were evidence-based and I believed them whole-heartedly. And yet, you shattered them. You’re younger than me, yet you taught me that love does exist, that I am worthy of love, and that I am capable of giving my heart full of love to someone. The words “I love you” used to be cringey to me and I used to roll my eyes when someone (besides my family) said them. I truly believed that love was just lust in disguise or just attraction, only skin-deep. But I feel this thing called love deep within my bones. My body fills with adrenaline when I think of you and it calms and softens when I’m beside you. And when I think of being apart from you, my heart physically aches, a pain I have only felt a few times in my life. To call this love would be disrespectful, because it is so much more than that. You are so much more than that to me.
You give my words meaning. And yet, nothing I say can accurately capture what I want to say. It feels as if once I say my thoughts, their meaning reduces. The best way I can describe what I feel for you is this: being with you feels like being home. The fire is lighting, warm lights are on, a woody scented candle is lighting on the windowsill. There is Christmas jazz music playing in the background. The sun has just started setting and something warm and meaty is cooking for dinner. I walk up to the front door with the stress of life weighing heavy on my shoulders. And yet, when I open the door, take off my shoes, and see you waiting for me with your bright, loving, puppy-dog eyes, I forget everything. All I see is you. When I’m with you, nothing else matters and the world feels a lot less scary. You are my favorite person and I love both you and who I am around you. You are my comfort place and when I think of you, I think of home. I think we could go anywhere and do anything, but I’d be happy as long as you are by my side. My heart feels as if it belongs with you. And when we are apart, I feel homesick. My place is beside you, and my hand belongs in yours.
But to say everything is perfect and that I have no fears would be a lie. I am terrified of the future. I’m scared you’ll get hurt and my heart aches at the thought of you having a hard time. I’m also worried that with time, our feelings will fade. But surprisingly, when I think of you, these fears disappear. You give me strength and I, for once in my life, feel stable and calm. Everything will change, we won’t be able to talk or meet as much. But I genuinely, truly believe that we can get through this and come out even stronger. We don’t know the future and I know it’s foolish to say we do, but there's one thing I'm certain of; there's no one else in the world i'd rather spend my time with. You are worth waiting for.
When you’re reading this, you are probably wearing some uncomfortable clothes and surrounded by too many men. Your body might be aching, you might be tired from waking up so early. I’m not good at writing comforting words, but my advice would be to try not think of the past. Don’t dwell on the memories of us or of your life before, because that will hurt too much. Instead, let’s dream of the future. Let’s both work hard, save lots of money, and try to learn and grow more each day. Let’s take care of our health and study hard. Let’s help each other become the best versions of ourselves. And everyday, I will dream of the time when we can travel to Ireland, live together, and create so many new memories. I will dream of sleeping and waking up beside you, doing unimportant daily tasks with you, and just spending my life with you. Life is so much more fun with you. And so, while we are apart, I will look forward to the future. This experience will be difficult but I know after this, we can live our lives together in some random country, walk around sharing earphones, running in the rain, lying down on roads, experiencing life to the fullest, together. Our hands and lives intertwined. Let’s dream of our future together :) How exciting!!
If you’re having a hard day, come back to this letter and remember you are loved. I’m thinking of you everyday. I will be thinking of you in everything I do. When I wash my feet, when I wear your coat, when I apply hand cream, when I listen to our songs, when I think of Christmas, when I’m having a hard time, when I see a couple in love, when I listen to love songs, when I apply lip balm, when I eat chicken wings…I will always be thinking of you, in everything I do. You have become an integral part of my life, traces of you are everywhere, all around me, even when we are apart. Although physically we are far apart, you are with me in everything I do, and I will always bring a part of you with me. Don’t worry about me : ) I will try not to cry too much (no promises), and I will keep myself super busy. I will also try not to worry too much about you. I know you will give your best in army and that you are excited to have some routine and to work hard! You are a strong, determined, and hard-working person (when you want to be) so I know you’ll have a good experience in the army and will come out an even stronger, smarter, more experienced person! Take everything in, learn what you can, and remember you’re capable of more than you think. You can only experience this once, so try to enjoy it the best you can! And I hope you don’t get sick of driving…because we have to do a road trip around Europe!!
This letter is getting too long so I’ll try to wrap it up. I remember you said that our job is to not make things harder for each other. I think of that a lot. So in the future, when we argue or don’t agree (which will of course happen because we are human), let’s try to calm ourselves first, speak kindly to one another, and let’s work to solve the issue. I will do my best to make you happy, to make you smile, and to make your life in army as easy as possible. I will do my best so that our relationship will never be a burden, and instead that our relationship will be a source of motivation for you to keep going. I will put in the effort to be a source of happiness for you. Even if we fight, let’s put in the effort to try to understand each other and resolve things. This is a relationship worth fighting for. You are someone worth fighting for.
When I think of my future, I want you to be a part of it. Our relationship is still relatively new, but I feel as if I have known you all my life. Yet everything we do together is exciting and gives me butterflies. It’s a weird contradiction. We are still young, and perhaps I am naive or blinded by love, but I can genuinely imagine myself living with you and perhaps marrying you in the future. You are someone I am proud of, and I’m proud to introduce you as my boyfriend to my friends and family. I want to show you off to everyone because I am proud of you. If my Dad was still alive, I know he’d be so happy to see his baby daughter being loved and card for by someone as amazing as you. And I know my mom is grateful to you for treating her daughter with kindness, respect, understanding, and love. To be loved is to be known, and I can honestly say you know me and I know you. Thank you for loving me : ) I’m not blinded by love, and I know we both have our faults and things we should work on. But I want to improve myself with you, and be a better person for you. Let’s grow together. If you were a plant, I would make sure you got the most sunlight, I would water you every morning, tend your weeds, kill the bugs, and help you grow into something beautiful. Let’s grow together, not just in age, but as people, becoming better versions of ourselves, together.
I love with my whole being. Every molecule in my body is drawn to you. Our love is like π—irrational, infinite, and essential. Even when nothing makes sense, you and I always do. I am thinking of you everyday and I am working on becoming the best version of myself for you. I miss you with all my heart and I can’t wait to hug you again and rub your bald head. Let’s do our best to make our dreams together come true : ) Take care, come back safely, and remember—I’m yours, always.
P.S. It may be too early to say this, but I think you’re the love of my life. You’re my home, and I hope I can be yours. I am someone who you can always come to, I am always here. The door to the house of me will always be unlocked, and I will be waiting inside, waiting for you. I love you and miss you endlessly.
