Three: Another Year of Survival
I haven’t blogged in a while, but today is a day that I felt was necessary for a post. It’s my mom’s 3 year anniversary. For those of you who know me well, you know that three is what I call my “life” number. It’s not my favorite, but it’s incredibly significant, and it chose me. It symbolizes my mom, dad, and I, the reality of the past, present, and future, the fact that I am an Aries in the third month (March), and three words that sum up this crazy, tragic, beautiful life: it goes on.
Which brings me to the weird feelings I experience on this day every year. Although I don’t consciously feel any significant difference, any deep sadness, anything that speaks, “the day you hate is here”, I do feel it subconsciously. My dreams are strange, my skin itches (last year I developed shingles…weird), my body feels exhausted, and the weather haunts me. This is typically when I enter hibernation mode, where lighting my candles and bundling in my blankets and slippers sound the most appealing to me. The world becomes the scary place it was three years ago, and I give myself a break from it.
But looking back, these years have been so tragically beautiful that it is difficult for me to put them into words. I’ve grown up in so many ways, I’ve developed so many layers of my soul, and I finally feel like I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. I have a deeper appreciation for life and the universe, that it gives us what we need before we even know we need it. Most days, I’m a ball of stress, but the rewards have been amazing, and well worth the struggles. I have proven to myself that I am capable of so much more than I could ever have imagined, and I look forward to the challenges I will have to overcome ahead. So, I guess to sum it all up: the struggle has been the shittiest one of my life, but it has been fucking beautiful in the saddest of ways.
Here’s to another year of bullshit, overcoming obstacles, and reaping the rewards that come from them. Cheers.