I took this somewhere in Tennessee on the way to a wedding this past October. I’ve always been drawn to cold, dreary, and eerie weather. It’s soothing. I find that I think better or more clearly and I am more creative. It was shortly after this that I discovered the wonderful world of spirituality.
I never really cared about anything spiritual or religious until someone (who I now consider a very close friend) raised some questions to me when I was venting about a final research paper I was collecting data for. In a nutshell, the assignment had to do with analyzing gravestones to answer questions and attempt to make generalizations about the decedent.
Somehow, my friend and I got onto the topic of spirituality and religion an how I was never a religious or spiritual person. I’ve always had an open mind - I may not agree with what someone is talking about as far as beliefs or what have you, but I am willing to hear what they have to say. I remember making a comment to the effect of, “If I can’t see it for myself, then I don’t necessarily believe in it,” to which she reminded me that I can’t see wind or air. Touché. I had to correct myself for that’s not at all what I meant. It has always been hard to put exactly what I’m thinking into words.
I corrected my statement as best I could to: “If I haven’t experienced it or if there isn’t some form of tangible research, it’s exceptionally hard for me to completely believe in something.” I’m a scientific person. I like numbers, order, logic, evidence from reputable sources. Experiments that produce repeatable results. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around those who have blind faith in something.
Her first question was whether I believed in ghosts. I hesitated and couldn’t definitively answer one way or the other. Then she asked if I’d had any sort of experiences that I couldn’t explain. Honestly, I have; however, while I’ve been able to give myself a rational explanation for what happened and attempted to let these experiences go, I could never completely believe that my experiences were not at least partially supernatural.
This discussion was at the end of this past October. It’s now December 31 and I’ve done quite a bit of reading, thinking and practicing patience, contemplation, and mindfulness. 2015 was difficult. 2016 fucking sucked. 2017 was trying. 2018 was the biggest test of my life. I am intending to enter and live 2019 in a more calm and mindful way, and I am hoping to use this blog to document my transition from an anxious, depressed train-wreck to something less than the troll I currently am.