Today, I chose chaos.
Being a mother of a six-year-old, I have come to realize a few bitter parenting truths that most people might not agree with.
Streaming platforms are nothing compared to cable TV. The rush of waiting for the exact moment your favorite show comes on is incomparable to pressing play on demand. Despite the generational comparison, learning your show's schedule and trying to finish everything you need to do just so you can watch teaches determination and patience.
From becoming an extension of parenthood, the devices inevitably will take over the game. Back in 2017, until just a few hours ago, I would give my daughter screentime so I could work in peace. I would reassure myself, "At least they're not making a mess." When my daughter chose to get spanked (which I did not do), I realized that the iPad I got her for the holidays had completely taken over her. Despite the nuances of children's messes, it is their nature to make some. Our job is to equip them with the skills to clean it on their own.
I was starting to fail as a parent until I wasn't. There was a podcast episode I was listening to a few months back where an expert said "The best type of parenting is one that involves a parent." While the context might have been different (as they were talking about different types of parenting), I agree. If I could be there, physically, mentally, or emotionally - even just one of those - that's already a step towards being the best parent I could be.
To my daughter,
I am sorry for being by your side, but not.
I am sorry for choosing to be a provider but neglecting my responsibilities as a mom.
I am sorry for bringing you to your classes, but also bringing my laptop with me so I could work while waiting.
I am sorry for listening to you while keeping my eyes peeled on my screen.
Most importantly, I am sorry it took me almost seven years to hear your "I need you to come here please, mama."