#generally fucked

[resplendentgoldenwings]

My laptop is in tablet mode and won't come out I'm fucked.

[anewwaytomakeyougetsick]

04/10/16

Job’s fucked mate.

I’ve had my breakdown’s they’re usually private affairs after a night of drinking by myself. Today college got to me again. After successfully fucking up a trig assessment beyond all recognition I attempted to revert back into my ‘I’m so chilled about life that I don’t give a fuck that I got 6/28′ persona. It lasted for about 2 minutes before the tears just fell. I was screaming at myself MAN UP BITCH. NOT HERE. Even my friend just said save it until you’re out of his classroom. The pretty lass in the corner said let it out as if I could stop myself. Leaving that classroom in tears made me feel pathetic. What sort of person  cries because they fucked up. me obviously. 

I played the whole just breathe game with myself. Didn’t fucking work. I left the toilets in a teary mess only to dump my problems on someone else. She tried to be nice and hug me. I can’t do physical contact when I’m upset it makes me worse. I just sat at a commons room table attempting to explain myself but I just kept fucking crying. I hoped to god my friend would bring all of my shit out of the aforementioned classroom. She didn’t. fuck. 

The bell went for the end of the day, I was still crying and all of my things were sat in a classroom with a teacher I couldn’t face. I reverted back to ‘lolll isn’t it funny how fucked my life is hahahaha’ girl. Told everyone ‘man can get fucked if he thinks i’m going back’ after finding out he was lurking in the doorway waiting for me. 

I was going to wait him out. He plays a significant role in the maths department, he’s a busy man he’s got shit to do. He just came to fucking find me tho. fucks sake. After his ‘come on let’s talk about it’ tactic resulted in me just saying nope not today we’re not dong this he said look I’ve got a meeting now and I need to speak you. I told him I’d wait him out full on  intending to wait for him to give up. He played his cards too fucking well. He said he’d go through my bag. 

I am not a good person. My bag for school contains the shit I need. A 3/4 empty hip flask with the lasts of my 50 percent strength vodka, my lighter and my birth control pills. I was not taking the risk of any of it being found by a teacher. Especially the hip flask it would get me expelled. 

He got his way, he talked at me while I let a few more tears role down my face. The end of this is just a PSA to him 

Thanks for believing in me, I remember you telling me in year 10 well done on realizing it’s not enough. You’re also correct in knowing I won’t gain confidence in myself overnight mate it just won’t happen. You’re correct my head is fucked but mate it’s been too long there is no fixing that.  

You know now that ‘at least I know you care’ and ‘I didn’t think you got upset’ 

It’s all a front sir a pathetic act strewn together by a pathetic little girl. 

I need a drink.