Sheehalloween Day 5: Free Space Rob Makes Me Curious about Carlos: A Vignette
NOTE: So I started this like months ago, but I myself identify as asexual. Carlos WAS PROBABLY NOT ASEXUAL, but because of his infertility kind of messed me up a little bit. Like now there's like access to therapy, and men talking about that stuff is less taboo. But over a hundred years ago it wasn't and learning about how he felt so isolated in that in being unloved in that way which lead to his suicide and attempt of murder. Like part of it I see as like his obsession with this one woman, but also the lack of just the fact that he wasn't alone. Robert kind of brought it out, and he himself has mentioned going to Parisian grave to just make sure he wasn't alone for awhile. That made me feel deeply. That's death work. On to the fic.
Je entre las maison de tolérance. Je vois Carlos Casagemas, il se pecnchait au mur. Je m'approche de lui.
>>Non, je ne voudrais pas de c’est pas de…<<
J’ai menti >> Mon père etait un sèxologist, je connais sa problème, qu’est que si parle à la café de bas? Son ami déjà payé.<<
“So why do you want to talk to me, miss?” He sipped lightly on his coffee.
I blurted out in a whisper, "There are plenty of women with the same problem, for example me.”
“You said your father sent you out here? Alone?”
“He heard through the grapevine that you just sit and paint for hours while your ‘friend’ has ‘fun’.” My air quoting only made him more confused. “ You know not being able to satisfy their partners the rest of society wants too.”
“Alright how the hell did he know.”
“People talk of course and the paintings are quite nice though blurry.”
“Then why doesn’t your father buy any?”He took out some color pencils and some paper and started sketching. “You look like maybe you may know some people import Chinese molasses.”
Oh yes ol’ 19th century microaggression. Fun. “Haha. You’d think I’d be lying, but your best friend and your crush, have sex after you die and for them it’s nothing—“
“After I die?” I assumed he assumed I misspoke.“Regardless…No, he barely even talked to her why would she.” He crumples the piece of paper dissatisfied and shoves it in his pocket.
“Je sais, je sais.” I raise my voice. “Just I’m here to say dump your friend and talk to other women Jesus!”
“First time a whore would talk to me in this way.”
“I’m not a whore! And man, has your friend given you bad perception of sex workers. This was stupid.“ I was already really sweaty in the big hat which the Renoir paintings made it look to easy.
“Wait!” He stops me. “Do people remember me? Even all I have done and what I’m going to do?”
“Yeah, I guess, despite what you do, you were brought back by someone who saw you as human. Take that as you will.”
Carlos and his wreck of a future I can’t change. In his life and fame, he gives it to another. In the end he didn’t survive a world dominated by sex and success. And some days I think I wouldn’t either.
I wonder what poetry Sheehan read to him on that cold day in Paris.
Hi Crystal! do u happen to know what interview calum says that he doesn't believe in love? or if he's said it anywhere? i feel like people have mentioned it before but i've never seen/heard it! thanks!
I think that mainly originated in the fandom from the Youngblood Genius interview where he declares that love is "impossible" and "a scam" (around 4:17). There was also chatter that at a MYT soundcheck he directly said he doesn't believe in love anymore and only loves Duke and music. However since soundchecks are (with the occasional exception) not recorded and essentially unverifiable, I'd take that with a grain of salt.
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