#gentleisstrong

[thegentlegrind]

The magic I am holding

How weird it is that here I am, trying to somehow learn everything I need to know for the sake of passing an exam.

But how can I forget the fact that this knowledge, these pages, hold the art of saving lives.

Decades of knowledge, mistakes and lessons, acquired and learned at the cost of death, sits here in my hand. Being entrusted to me to carry, apply and improve.

It is the muggle art of saving lives; but there has to be an element of magic somewhere in between the lines.

There has to be something divine calling me to it.

There has to be a blessing behind me being able to sit here and try to remember how to save a life.

My purpose is calling me to learn it. But I am busy trying to skim through it like it is some old school, must know, informative and boring data that I should somehow fit into my mind for long enough so as to pass an exam.

This is not ordinary. This is not mundane.

This is a blessing.✨✨

[thegentlegrind]

I am ready to love

Whenever I start writing about medical school or anything related to it, unknowingly my thoughts are steered to everything wrong.

The toxicity, the hustle, the fake glamour it gets on social media, my bones straining under the weight of how I am not doing enough, the sacrifices it demands, the homesickness, the possibility of having chosen the wrong degree afterall and so on.

But this is not what I am here for.

What I am here for is the signs of being alive, the moments of feeling alive that comes with the life path I chose to navigate . I am here to address the gentle parts of it.

The never ending scope for learning, the astonishment of understanding the human body and appreciating its complexity, the tiny amount of growth that happens with those tiny everyday challenges, the days where I do feel enough, the privilege to call academic stress as my biggest challenge and so on.

Why? Because I need this. If I am going to have a space to share my thoughts, i want to have gratitude seeping onto this page like it breathes on it.

So yes, from time to time I may question the doability and the complications this course entails, but I am ready to love.

Because it's time that I live life out of love for what it is and not criticize it for what it is not.

[thegentlegrind]

White Coats and Burnt Souls

One thing that I never thought would be a part of this medical field was toxic culture. Because back then, my 15 year old self couldn't fathom how toxicity can coexist in the same place where healing and caring are due.

Now everyday I see myself and hundreds of other students go through this crumbled system in the hopes of one day escaping but we know-- there's no escape. We become the system.

Our tired hearts need to save enough energy to have tender hands.

A field which stands on the grounds of hierarchical discrimination and gets a kick out of students' and residents' misery is the field that needs the most compassion.

The gentleness it requires to serve yet the iron shield we need to build around our souls is truly astonishing. How am I supposed to do that? Why aren't we being treated as human beings while we are being trained to treat actual human beings?

Apparently my teenage self had a very roses-and-daisies kind of expectation from this profession. But the reality? Far from it. No real friends, no personal space ( because hostel life), no reassurance that tomorrow would be better, deal with such toxic people on a daily basis, being away from home, no matter what you do, you would be never doing enough.

My iron shield is still not built. There are still moments where I stop and take a step back in fear of what I have just experienced. And then I quickly rethink why am I here? Have I made a wrong choice afterall? Is this what i have spent countless sleepless nights for?

But the I have to remind myself that I am already in way too deep to go back now. The only way out is through it.

One day at a time.