— cloak said that he and max will have a trip soon and im genuinely happy for him
— also i want to talk about what cloak said about his channel and future videos and just the future of his video career
— i really like the fact that jacob desided on personalizing and not being afraid of trying new things, by that meaning changing up his stream intro, changing up his content and such. Its honestly nice
(stream intro in question ↓)
— also he addresed that he would no longer do any vlogs (for now atleast) , as he said:
"i dont want my videos to reach up to 400k views because im just friends with Max. I want my content to be cherished in some kinda way and be recognised for my content, not my friends or connections" (not word for word but basicaly the whole idea of what he said)
to which im glad that he acknowledged
— im just so happy and proud of jacob that he tries new things despite being afraid of the outcome. that he genuinely now tries to be consistent
I feel like my life is just casually falling apart, no matter how hard I try to get it back on track. Something is always going wrong or being stripped away from me due to the cruel and evil and selfish nature of this world. Every time I think things are getting better, everything just gets shot down from every possible angle.
I've always had a rough life, but it's starting to become too much. At one point I looked at the story of Job and just knew the pain was temporary... knew eventually that God would bring things together for good like He did with Job. But now? I don't even know if I can keep having hope that I will ever be rewarded on this earth as Job was. I don't know if God has anything for me here from this point forward. It feels like my purpose has been fulfilled and I'm just waiting to finally be picked up and taken home.
Legitimately, I just want to go home. I don't belong here. Never have... never will. I'm tired of being in physical, mental, and spiritual pain on a daily basis... I'm tired of this life and everything it brings. I didn't sign up for this. And while I'm happy to push through and allow God to work through me... to be here to fulfill His purpose... idk how much more I can take.
And honestly, my genuine care and love for people only makes it harder. Knowing that some of these individuals I would die for are going to willingly choose eternity separate from God... knowing that some of these people will want me dead just for how much I care and want to warn them in hopes they'll be okay and change their minds.
I'm tired of having to live in this world. Having no place to even temporarily fit in. Too autistic, loyal, and serious about following God word for word for the Christian community... too much of a child of God for the autistic community... too loving and genuine for this evil, lying world. I can't wait to be done.
At this point, I either want to know what God wants me to do, or for Him to end my suffering if I have fulfilled my purpose. I want to either be able to bring people to Him and convince people to save their precious souls... or be with Him, face to face, where I belong, as soon as possible if the former isn't meant to be.
I honestly don't know how to fully express or explain what I'm feeling... I don't even fully comprehend what I want or what I'm feeling. I just know that I'm so tired and done. I want to go home.
But I also don't want to abandon the people I care about to fall into Satan's snares... even if the second I try and say something, everyone besides God just immediately abandons me. I've lost almost every friend I've made, and those I haven't lost yet either aren't saved, are lukewarm, or have nothing in common to bond about other than our pain. Although even then... I don't really know anyone that has a pain quite like mine.
I can't even find joy in any of my hobbies... I basically have no hobbies left unless you count sleeping all day and having mental and emotional breakdowns all night. Even WITH God, I feel so bored and empty in this cruel world that makes it nearly impossible not to stumble and screw something up. I just want to go home. I want to be at peace for a change.
The only time I even feel a glimmer of peace is when I go mentally numb. When my emotions shatter... when I'm indifferent to the pain, both mentally and physically... when I feed into my depressive state. Maybe this is God's plan for me? I don't know anymore.
What I do know though is that I will never stop trusting Him... no matter what is thrown my way or how much it hurts and makes me want to fade from existence. So I guess I'll sit here, numb and broken, waiting to see what God is eventually going to make from my shattered pieces.
I don't have much left to give... but I give it all to Him.
If you see me disappear from the internet for extended periods... this is why. It's always been why honestly. And I think I might be done trying to use fiction and virtual realities to cope. It has only ever made things worse anyways.
I have no idea if or when I might end up posting art or stories again. Sorry to disappoint.
