#010 Law Enforcement
If you’re going to be saving the world from total annihilation every couple of weeks (or every couple of days… or every couple of minutes I don’t know what things are like where you live), it stands to reason that you’re eventually going to cross paths with local law enforcement. As a rule of thumb it’s important to be respectful of policemen or policewomen as they are legally doing what you are illegally doing. Seriously, why don’t you just become a cop. Do you think your parents are proud of you for this? Their adult child running around in spandex fighting sewer mutants?
Unless you manage to get some pro-superhero legislature on the books (which if you have the time, patience and money to lobby for, be my guest) you’re going to be operating as an illegal vigilante. Being able to breath fire or outrun a train doesn’t change that fact. That’s right, technically speaking you’re the criminal. Bet you didn’t see that coming bucko. Therefore, at least when you start out, the cops will probably try to hunt you down. They’ll probably even set up a taskforce specifically to hunt you down, which, while flattering, is also super annoying. They’ll even try to arrest you after you’ve just stopped a crime! Like oh my god man I just did your job for you and you still get paid you should be thanking me not reading me my Miranda Rights. So, to avoid being arrested when the police come to arrest your criminal adversary I suggest running away really fast from the crime scene once you’ve foiled the convenience store robbery, or the occult ritual to resurrect the dead, or whatevers.
If the police department as a whole hasn’t warmed up to you then you need to find someone on the force who has. A diligent straight-shooting cop who believes in your crusade against crime. But, not like, so straight-shooting that they’ll immediately arrest you or report your attempts to recruit them to their superior because again, legally speaking, you’re a serial criminal. A contact within the police force is invaluable as they can provide you with leads and intelligence and they can run interference with official investigations into you and your secret identity. They can also give you a heads up when they get word that a crime is going down. Just try to make sure you don’t get yourself a cop informant who’s super preachy and keeps trying to convince you to “go legit” or “join the force” or “stop parading around town in a stupid costume because you’d look sooo much better in police blues.” Oh my god who asked you, what are you the fashion police? This costume makes my eyes pop and if I have to be an illegal vigilante to wear it then SO BE IT (chill.) Right, anyway… It probably wouldn’t hurt to get your hands on a police scanner too, this way you know where everybody is, where you’re needed most and how to best avoid those two cops who you don’t like because they keep making fun of your ability to turn into a giant hamster. Like they don’t even have any superpowers so why are they so obnoxious. On that note, if you happen to have super hearing or the power to hijack radio signals with your brain, you can just act as your own police scanner so you’ve just saved yourself some money, congratulations.
Look, I get it. Being hunted by both the law and the plethora of super criminals who will no doubt flood into your city thanks to the legal crackdown on superheroes is a massive bummer. But just think of what a wonderful and grand thing it will surely be when the police finally calm down, realize that having a super powered person stopping crimes is a good thing, and decide to accept you with open arms. Once you make a name for yourself, probably by fighting off an alien invasion or preventing the world from imploding, you might finally be accepted by the establishment and hailed and respected as the hero you truly see yourself as. When that happens they’ll probably throw you a parade or erect a statue in your honor. So that’ll be neat, that’s definitely something to look forward to. Plus, being official public partners with the cops has tons of sweet perks. Imagine how glorious you’ll look riding on top of a police car, sirens blaring, surrounded by other siren-blaring cars as you all race to foil the biggest bank heist of the century. Who among us hasn’t wanted to police car surf their way to a crime scene. None among us. That’s who. Anybody who says they haven’t thought about it is either a liar or has no imagination. Also maybe they’ll help you get out of parking tickets. If you’re one of those superheroes who still has to drive a car.
You’re going to want to avoid getting too publicly (k, real talk for a second does anybody else keep trying to spell publicly, “publically” only for that garbage to be redlined because you’re an idiot and that’s not how anything is spelled or is it just me?) chummy with any specific police officers though. Because then you run the risk of that cop being individually targeted by your enemies and really the only reason you’re wearing the diggity dang mask and using a goofy name (I’m looking at you Professor!) is to prevent that kind of thing from happening! That’s the whole thing! Don’t make good friends in your superhero identity! In general though, even once accepted you should keep official law enforcement agencies at arm’s length. Occasionally in your battle against the criminal scum of the Earth you’re forced to do things that aren’t entirely legal. Did you know you can’t just break into evil lairs and beat up criminals without a warrant? And that you have to hand all evidence over to the court and you can’t just take evil weapons of mass destruction and keep them in a well-lit trophy case in your hideout? Well you can’t, superheroes break laws like that all the time. So if you’re seen as or you actually become an official law enforcement agent, things like that can get real tricky real fast.