#geriatric dog

[d0nutd0g]

POV: You have bones and aren't sharing.

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

*trigger warning* For those not in the headspace to see about grief and pets just skip this one.

Isis has been declining health-wise over the last year or so, more severely the past couple of months. I honestly wasn't sure she was going to make it into the new year or her birthday (a week ago). The only reason she's even been eating the last few months is because I've been making her chicken and eggs with toast and cheese twice a day. Occasionally she'll be hungry enough to eat a little dog food, but it has been rare. But the fact that she still wants to eat a majority of the time gave me solace.

Her mobility has also gotten worse. Specifically her back end. She struggles to get up on the couch... and stay on the couch when she lays down too close to the edge (she just slides off onto the floor if I don't manually move her over). Our walks are really slow going (30-45mins/mile). The last couple of days she's really been struggling and has been pretty agitated too. Just walking in circles. Yesterday I think she was doing that outside and she fell off our little patio into a small garden plot. She couldn't get herself up alone. I gave her trazodone Monday night because she was so agitated. For some reason this kills her mobility, so I had to carry her up the stairs to go potty even in the morning.

I don't mind doing all of these things for her (I haven't even mentioned the amount of indoor potty accidents I've had to clean up... which also sometimes include a bath) because I love her. But I don't think she's even remotely having a good time anymore. I thought when she stopped eating, I'd know. Or when she wouldn't go for walks, I'd know. People have been telling me that I'd know when it was time. She's still eating and going for walks, but she's so agitated at night (sometimes during the day) and just seems like she's not having a good time.

So I think it's time. Time to let her go. Which is hurting my heart so much to even think about. I know it is an act of love to stop her suffering, but to suddenly be without my only constant companion of almost 16 years is going to be so hard. I know it is selfish to be thinking of my own comfort in this situation, though I doubt it is all that unique of me.

I emailed my vet last night about the situation and they replied this morning asking me when I'd like to come in. I've been crying and torturing myself about the decision for the last two hours. To think that this time Friday or Saturday she'll be gone depending on my decision. I considered maybe we could just wait until after I finish my work week. But that means the earliest we'd probably do it would be Thursday of next week. Would it be fair to Isis to make her suffer for another week just for me? I don't think she's in any considerable physical pain, but mentally she's doesn't seem great. Like her doggy dementia is also getting worse. I considered maybe she had another UTI, but she doesn't have any other symptoms.

If I'm honest, I think in the back of my mind I'm hoping that if I wait maybe she'll just pass on her own and I won't have to make the decision. I've been back and forth between emailing the vet to set a date and emailing to say I want to wait until next week. I don't know what to do.

This venting/trauma dump has gone on way longer than I had planned. No decision has been made, but I've cried many more tears.

[cowsandpickles]

My girl, Maggie ❤️❤️❤️

[allcreaturessmall]

Bolt, the feral dog we trapped in 2012 who has been a resident of ACS ever since, went to the vet today, and as you can see from this picture, he was feeling very done with everything by the end of his appointment. He is 15 this year, and while he has been highly active and in good health up until recently, he began showing signs of senility around 9 months ago, and over the past two weeks has been showing symptoms of discomfort in a few areas (ear, teeth, hindquarters). We took him to the vet today and predictably found age related explanations for most of his issues, aside from his ears which had a yeast infection, and we've started him on a few medications to make him more comfortable in his twilight years.

Bolt is very special to me, and I know that losing him is going to be incredibly painful; just thinking about it makes me tear up. I was extremely anxious all week that they might find something serious during his exam, and I was more stressed by his appointment today than he was. I know I'm going to be fretting nonstop until I see signs of improvement. I think the fact that I'm having such strong emotions surrounding this dog is actually a sign of healing, though.

At the height of my compassion fatigue, just before I halted intakes about six years ago, I became completely numb and detached about death. It was such a constant during my years in active rescue that the only way to survive the relentless exposure to suffering and loss was to stop feeling it. In fact, one of the things that most alerted me to the fact that I was in serious trouble psychologically was how non-reactive I grew to the deaths of even my personal pets.

The animal deaths I've had over the past year, however, have all hurt. I went through a process of grief each time. I rediscovered the raw emotionality of losing something I loved. And it sucks, but it's so much better than recognizing that you should be feeling something, and feeling nothing instead.

It took almost five years to claw my way back to feeling human again. Please, if you are experiencing compassion fatigue, step back and give yourself some time to heal. Too many rescuers and people in vetmed send themselves to an early grave because they allow themselves to be consumed by compassion fatigue.

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

I joked a while back that Isis's passing was going to be great for my weight since I knew it was going to destroy me. So far I'm being proven right. Not that I'm doing it the right way. I'm vacillating between complete lack of hunger, slight hunger, or stomach aches.

I cried doing the dishes this morning since I was washing Isis's bowls.

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Officially 16 years young as of yesterday. Wasn’t sure we were going to make it, but we are still chugging along. Did I spend $4 on freshly prepared bacon at our local, slightly bougie, grocery store? Of course. She LOVED it. Obviously, it was bacon. 🥓

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

Beach evening at a local dog friendly beach.

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

My sweet old girl has been struggling and I’m pretty sure we are nearing the end. I’m not ok. I don’t want her to suffer, but I’m also not ready. Unless a miracle occurs soon this will be our last new years together.