💘 from max
it wasn’t supposed to end up this way, it was never supposed to end up this way. pacifica’s not meant to let down her walls, let things escalate further than a quick screw meant to be forgotten and regretted later down the line. he wasn’t even her type, too much of a sheep, too weak willed for her. he was a pawn for her to use, someone for her to drag around like a raggedy anne doll and discard when she was done with him. maybe it was that that made her start to like him though, the fact that in that way they were completely alike, only she was better at hiding it. she was a pawn too, she too was used and thrown away, never really cared for or loved. she too wanted nothing more than to be accepted, to be popular, though she learned how to fake that a lot earlier than he did. she saw in him all her insecurities, so much so that she couldn’t stand to look in his eyes, it hurt too much to look and see herself reflected so perfectly in them. it hurt to look and know she couldn’t possibly give him what he deserved, because the only way for her to stay on top was to treat him as she had been treated: like nothing. yet she couldn’t fully let go, not with his gentle touches and the way he’d kiss the top of her head. not with his kind smiles and the way he talked to her like she was a girl someone could actually care about. and it was in that that her chest would hurt at the thought of him, remembering he wasn’t hers to keep and one day she’d have to let him go. her family would never approve, and to let him in was to show him her real self, and the result would only lead in her being the one left in the end. yet despite knowing this, she stood by him, holding his hand in the secret of dark rooms and kissing his cheek when he’s particularly sweet to her. she can’t let go of the way he genuinely makes her laugh, and how he lets her try new makeup tricks on him before she does on herself. she can’t let him go because she loves him and it terrifies her, because she can’t think of any way in which her loving someone could end well for either of them, or any way in which someone could really love her back.
