fuck
just like. fuck.
honestly, there have been so many times where i’ve backtracked from my realization of being trans. there have been so many times where i’ve just thought “fuck it, it’ll be easier to live as a woman. i like my body sometimes anyway.”
but then that doesn’t just *erase* the trans feelings. it doesn’t erase the INSANE jealousy i feel whenever i see a mildly good looking/masculine guy. or the fluttering in my chest when i catch myself at an angle where my jawline is accentuated, or my chest looks particularly flat, or my cheekbones stand out.
but what makes me backtrack in the first place is my fear of physical transition. like if i ever do, there WILL be irreversible effects, and permanent stuff scares me. what if my clit grows 2 inches before i realize “fuck, i’m not trans” and i have to fix that shit? or what if when my voice starts dropping or i start growing more body hair, i get real dysphoria, because the dysphoria i feel now isn’t really *real*, and i have to detransition?
detransitioning is my nightmare. i want to live my life with a body that i am proud of, so i think, okay. okay then. i just won’t transition and keep everything the way that it is. at least that way it’s bearable, nothing will be fucked up.
but then all it takes is that one second of seeing a dude i want to look like. one second of joy whenever someone tells me i remind them of a dude they know, or a male character. one second of referring to myself w the male name i want, for it all to come spiraling down again