I don’t even have the words the explain the grief I’m currently experiencing. Upon finding out my Papa Smoove had passed; It was the most bizarre turn of events. He passed on a Tuesday, I didn’t cry until Friday and I’ve been crying ever since. Although under unusual circumstances, this was the first MAN I’d ever dealt with. He loved me, he respected me, he was kind, he did everything I needed, he protected me, he comforted me, he even washed my clothes twice a week, he was everything I could’ve dreamt of.
In early 2020 I found something out that broke me. I’m talking about so messed up I wasn’t going to work. Distraught over a nigga born in the 60’s. For 11 years I had this unwavering loyalty to him; I realized there was no way forward with our relationship after the information I discovered. Months before my 30th bday, going through the woes of saturns return I realized I wanted more for myself. I'm all for leaving people in the dust when they don't mean you well. As hard as it was I had to bid him farewell. I kept thinking how I got “got” a 2nd damn time.
He was good at convincing me otherwise, buttering me up and putting the battery in my back, but this time I stood 10 toes down. Forgiveness is a tricky business, its something I haven’t quite yet mastered.
We still communicated but our intimate relationship ceased, he spent that time trying to get back in my good graces but it wasn’t going to work. My last time seeing him alive was in December, I pulled up on him to discuss some shit he should’ve had control over *see story time post from December*.
We’d been through so much together. Some really gruesome times and deep down inside that never left me. He would never let anything happen to me but when it came down to his family he left my ass for dead! He begged to differ, but I needed him to show up in a manner that he didn’t even though he was more than capable of doing so. I would be remissed if I didn’t mention it still stings a bit to this day.
Despite our obstacles I still loved him. My love for him was different, I can’t even explain it. The peace he gave me was unmatched. Two souls tied together for sure.
His demise has left me completely heartbroken. I keep tryna get myself together but ya girl is struggling. I wish I would’ve heard him out, I wish I would’ve healed from our previous transgressions in order to truly forgive him. One things for certain, two things for sure you live and you die. But I feel like God made a mistake-his girls need him and his grandbaby needs her Papop. I typically roll with life’s punches and take my losses in stride but this one isn’t sitting well in my spirit. I’ve been conditioned to carry any type of sadness and trauma with grace. Pretending that nothing is amiss-not this time.
Donnell… thank you for everything. The good times and the bad. I learned so much from you at such a young age and I must admit you were the first man to TEACH ME, MOLD ME and LOVE ME. I’ve loved you since I was 19 and I promise it’ll never stop. I’d do anything to hear you call me “Si” one more time. 💔
