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Five Hot Jobs in a Post-Federation Galaxy

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Meet the First Alien CEO of a Human Company

By Drangle Meepmoop 

With anti-alien bigotry rising on Earth, it’s nice to hear some companies standing up for creature inclusivity. 

Take, for example, ad agency Haas + Milan. After being maliciously acquired by an intergalactic holding company, the once-independent shop has installed Kl’iiik Mijupsrit, a Grunglorkian, as their new CEO. 

“Brutal takeover aside, I think this transition was necessary,” says Mijupsrit. “It’s time for Earth brands to reach an intergalactic audience, and introduce a whole new range of products to humans.”

Since being installed as CEO, Mijupsrit has been responsible for a number of different successful campaigns on Earth that you can’t help but notice. 

“Using Federation-exclusive microlasers, we are able to sear ads directly onto the consumer’s ocular orbs. Who needs billboards when you can see Bobbish Brandon pounding some delicious XTreme Horse-flavored Bobbish on the face of a loved one?”

Not all of the products Mijupsrit’s team has introduced have been successful, but blame that on human biology. 

“Our campaign for Dr. S’arpo’s Ultra-Dense Supermassive Black Hole Extract didn’t have the results we hoped for,” laments Mijupsrit, “but rest assured that the humans who were accidentally sucked into the void are most likely alive, and we have Federation recon teams who have promised to keep an eye out for them.” 

But Haas + Milan’s most successful campaign didn’t even run on Earth! And Mijupsrit found creative inspiration in an unlikely place.

“When Apple Farmers of America came to us for a plan to sell their product intergalactically, we knew we needed a message that was so stupid even the dumbest idiot moron would have to laugh at it. And as I was rifling through the garbage to keep tabs on employee loyalty, I found a spec campaign that was so pathetic I knew it could work at an interdimensional scale.” 

That’s right! The tongue-in-cheek “Hungry for Apples?” ads you’ve seen plastered all over the multiverse came from Earth. Since it ran, apples have become a pop culture phenomenon, selling out constantly on all 6,048 Federation-controlled planets. 

The ironic campaign has afforded Mijupsrit countless awards, recognition, and wealth. But what is he most proud of? “I think the fact that I was able to do so much with such horrible work might end up being my ultimate accomplishment.”

[fedconnect]

I Spent Three Days Watching Humans in the Bathroom. Here’s What I Learned.

By Brengo Brango 

Humans may look fresh and pink on the outside, but after spending 3 days hiding in the ceiling of a public bathroom, I can assure you that they are absolutely the filthy waste-makin’ machines that the intergalactic community paints them to be. Here’s what I learned.

First off, human bathroom routines can be typified into two distinct behavioral profiles: Sitters and Standers. Sitters, defined by their choice to remain seated during the wiping ritual, spend an average of 8.5 glingutes on the waste evacuation receptacle. Standers, defined by their choice to perform their wipe ritual in an upright position, spend an average of 10.8 glingutes on the “can” (human slang). During my studies I also observed several humans that fell outside the two categories (kneelers, non-wipers, and self-sniffers), however they also displayed behaviors that were consistent with humanoid mutants and societal rejects. 

While waste evacuation was the most popular ritual performed in the bathroom, humans often use the perceived privacy of the restroom for a number of activities ranging from drug usage to spontaneous procreation. On one occasion I even observed a pair of human males using the bathroom as a sort of makeshift battle arena to dispute their claim to a deity known as “Becky.”

 Although human waste evacuation is a deplorable and primitive ritual, it pales in comparison to the post-evacuation ritual known as “Haand-Warshang.” After disposing of their solid waste, humans exit their prayer stall and stand in front of a large communal altar outfitted with cisterns and water-conjuring machines. There, they rub their hands with a pink prayer fluid that bubbles and foams when it comes in contact with sin. The humans then wash the prayer fluid off and shake their hands wildly to remove any excess “sin-skin” that may have accumulated during the ritual. GROSS, am I right?! 

While my 3 day study was largely a success, I was still unable to figure out how humans summon the mysterious water portal that consumes their waste and where it leads. I guess there’s always next time! Comment below with the “Human Waste with a Human Face” emoji if you learned something!

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Dear Humans, Your “Pizza” is Appropriating our Culture

By Peppo Blimblom

Director, Galactic Association for the Advancement of Pizza People

I was excited to see Earth join the Galactic Federation. After so many hyper-intelligent systems, it was nice to see a quaint world with such primitive lifeforms enter the fold. I immediately dropped some fleurbos on an early access visitor pass.

But when I stepped out of the transport hub I could not believe what I was seeing.

HUMANS. EATING OUR BABIES.

Countless Earthian life forms standing around, taking what looks EXACTLY like a newborn Pizarian and shoving it into their mouths, tearing flesh with their gnashing teeth. Pizarian flesh, twisted and stretched into something called “garlic knots.” Other slices TORTURED with painful toppings like “pined apples.”

Once I was able to escape I immediately sat down and did the most important and powerful thing anyone can ever do. I wrote this blog post.

One might be quick to blame all of this on simple coincidence. Or the primitive, underdeveloped human brain. But how is it that so many pizza-related things match back perfectly to Pizarian history?

You see red pepper flakes, I see archaic torture devices meant to burn Pizarian bodies. You see a pizza cutter, I see a deadly weapon that ripped families apart during the largest act of terror in our modern history. You see stuffed crust, I see the bloated, disgusting reminder of our obesity epidemic.

What you humans don’t seem to understand is that we Pizarians come from a bloodied history where we had to fight for our right to survive. My great grandslice fought valiantly against Traflorkians during the Marinara Wars, where millions of Pizarians were folded and consumed by Traflorkian God Emperor Pahpahj’han. Whole villages were wiped out in thirty minutes or less.

With our culture so closely intertwined to your human family dinner night, how long until a human mistakes a sovereign Pizarian for this crude, floppy foodstuff? How many of my brothers and sisters must pass through your pathetic, singular rectums before we are respected as a fellow member of the Federation?

Next time you decide to grab a slice, just think of this: would you like it if I made something in the shape of a human, baked it, and then ate it in front of you? Didn’t think so.

[fedconnect]

Gromflomite Veterans Reflect on Blood Ridge

By Xanzzit Knaplorp

It’s been 27 glaagnars since the Battle of Blood Ridge. And while the 25th anniversary might seem like a more significant milestone, this year should be even more interesting. 

This year marks the first anniversary with Earth as an official member of the Galactic Federation. With many of the horrible atrocities from that fateful day committed by Earth human Rick Sanchez, the buzz around this new planet is not sitting well with some of the surviving Gromflomites.

“Absolute trash, the whole planet,” says Flibbil Gurrg, former Gromflomite general. “A disgrace to the Gromflomite army and the citizens of the universe.” 

While a number of different species participated in the revolt, it is Sanchez that is most often singled-out due to his sadistic behavior and complete disregard for protocol set forth in the Blobbadobo Accords. 

“As the sun set and the rebels began to retreat, there was a sense of calm that came over the forces,” shares retired Lt. Gluuth Plonk. “I was doing one last sweep around Ploopsi Point and amongst the discarded limbs and thoraxes I found an injured soldier. As I held him in my arms, we both locked our compounded eyes and shared a moment that the horrors of the last several days may finally be over.” 

But that moment of peace would only be a moment. 

“Almost immediately Rick Sanchez comes up and rips the body from my arms, takes off his pants, and then proceeds to rub his human lower danglers all over the soldier’s dying face.” 

Rubbing one’s lower danglers on another’s face is considered a fun goof in human culture, but the joke is lost on Plonk. 

“The dangling. I’ll never forget the dangling.” 

Other vets, like Canklanker Thom, paint a more compassionate picture of Sanchez.

“On our last surge to eliminate the rebels, I was separated from my platoon when my legs were crushed by a HoverGORD. I attempted to crawl to safety but eventually my claws molted away. I just laid there, watching the suns rising and setting, waiting for the inevitability of death. Just as I felt the cold tentacle of mortality tightening its grip, I was discovered by whom I would later learn was Rick Sanchez. He offered me a meal from his food hole, and even squatted over my face to make sure I could eat.” 

It kept Thom alive until he was found a few days later by a medic team. 

Rick Sanchez was recently apprehended and is currently incarcerated inside an undisclosed Ultramax Prison System. But his actions will resonate with the Gromflomites for generations to come. 

Any Galactic Federation citizens on Earth that would like to honor Blood Ridge vets are encouraged to attend the Remembrance Parade in the Lil Glapflaps neighborhood of what humans used to call San Diego.