#gg2d recap

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Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce season 3 continues with "Rule #99: Cook Naked", as Abby and the coach heat things up, Barb may get her own little fling.

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x11 - “Let Her Eat Cake” Recap

OK so you may remember the SHOCKING END to last week’s episode - Becca’s baby is black, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, Jake does not even have to take this bitch to Maury Povich when he gets back from Latvia. And Abby literally passes out because she’s so fucking butthurt that she’s invested all this time and emotion into A LYING WHORE. 

But I mainly just feel bad for all of her girlfriends, who have to sit and pretend to give a shit that Abby and ~Dr. Harris~ have fallen apart for the 50th time. They’re like “*gasp* oh no!! yeah what a dickwad!!” like they’re surprised. And then this boring doctor comes in and he’s basically like “REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES, EAT 10 FUCKING SANDWICHES ABBY, ONLY DOGS GO FOR BONES. EXHIBIT 1: DR HARRIS.” jk I really hate all that “real women” shit. Stop it, world.

They decide to throw a surprise bachelorette party for Delia, one last hurrah before her sham of a marriage completely ruins her life and spirit. BUT MORE ON THE PARTY LATER - Delia goes to work so she can volunteer to go to New York, even though New York is like a fucking ant farm to her but IT’S WHAT GORDON WANTS AND WHATEVER GORDON WANTS, GORDON GETS. THAT’S DELIA’S ONLY JOB NOW. Look, she just got new business cards:

Abby goes home and compares herself to Piper Chapman, because spending a day in the hospital is definitely the same as being trapped in prison with your crazy ex-girlfriend and a shitload of other scary bitches I would never in a million years mess with. Jo immediately tries to shove Oreos down her throat and Abby’s like “Cake first thing in the morning?!? That’s a little....” A LITTLE WHAT, BITCH. HDU BASH BREAKFAST CAKE. IT’S THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN I’LL EVER BE.

Then, in First World Problems: Act II, Abby starts freaking out that the photo on her new book jacket SHOWS ONE WHOLE WRINKLE. lmao it’s hilarious, I literally want to set this as my phone background just for the lulz:

And then she makes a very frantic to-do list, with item 1 being "unfriend Harris”, and I just hope she realizes that in the time it took her to open her note app and type “unfriend harris”, she could have just, you know, UNFRIENDED HARRIS. Like this is why you’re so stressed out - because you’re not fucking efficient.

Jo goes to bakery to flirt with Scott after their quality dry hump sesh the previous night, and she’s fucking DISMAYED to discover him flirting with some babe? YEAH, he’s totally using innocent pastries to compliment her tits and Jo’s just like:

So they decide to not make an issue out of the fact that they were about three steps away from getting (new) cum stains on Abby’s couch, but Jo freaks the fuck out anyway. And then later she comes home to Frumpkis snoring on her fucking couch because ~Charlene~ left him. AWWW, SUCKS TO SUCK, FRUMP! And then he cries into his ex wife’s shoulder like the little bitch that he is.

Phoebe and JD go meet with some snooty art dealer as the next step in his meteoric rise to porn-painting fame, but SURPRISE - JD turns into a total asshole because he’s insanely jealous of Ralf? So he takes all this shit out on Phoebe and she’s just like, “Fuck, where’s that social anxiety when I really need it.” But he ends up apologizing and dropping an L-bomb, so they kiss and make-up, whatever.

Abby prepares to tell the kids that Becca fucked Taye Diggs, and uses “birthday eating” (wtf is this) to soften the blow. So she presents these glorious mounds of whipped cream and cookies to the children, and just as they’re about to dig in she literally RIPS THE PLATES AWAY like “before you enjoy this 3k calorie confection, I have to crush your spirits...” So she gets all emotional but the kids literally do not even give a shit - Lilly’s just thrilled she doesn’t have to be an unpaid babysitter intern anymore and that she gets to take a break from her Tracy Anderson method DVD long enough to eat some chocolate like a normal 15 year old, and Bun Bun is just excited that he can show off his new “peen in vj” biology knowledge. High five, kid.

So Abby goes in the guest house to rage-pack all of Becca’s baby shit. BECAUSE CLEARLY JAKE IS IN LATVIA AND UNABLE TO DO ALL THE SHIT HE SHOULD BE DOING. OR MAYBE FUCKING TAYE DIGGS CAN COME AND PACK UP HIS BABY MAMA’S SHIT. WHY DOES ABBY HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. I’d probably just burn the shit if it were me, tbh.

That night, the girls put on some creepy masks that you see in every home invasion movie so they can kidnap Delia from work and whisk her away to a land of six-pack abs and gyrating meat sticks. She’s scared shitless at first, but then she’s like YASSSS.

So they go to a ~ladies club~ and drink fancy champagne courtesy of Gordon Beech and it’s literally the only nice thing he’s ever done for Delia in his life. And Abby’s such a fun drunk - she’s the type to call people on their shit when she’s wasted. It starts innocent enough - she’s like DELIA LIKES SHORT GUYS LOLOL but nobody really notices. THEN, she gets even MORE drunk and after showing off these impressive dance moves....

....she full on starts screaming about Delia’s affair. And Delia’s like HELL NO BITCH:

And Abby’s like:

So they all get kicked out lolllll. And then outside, Abby goes on a huge tirade about what a piece of shit Gordon is and I am like, THANK. FUCK. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. And even though I THOUGHT Delia was smarter than the average bitch, she shoots the messenger and stands by her shitty man at the expense of a friendship. Well, there it goes - the last fuck I give. Enjoy your shittily obedient and selfish sham of a marriage. BYE.

So Abby goes home to eat her feelings, but her allegedly anorexic stomach is not trained for such an Olympic event. So she voms everywhere and she’s like “GODDAMN IT LILLY BE A *pukes* GOOD LITTLE GIRL AND HOLD MOMMY’S HAIR BACK.” And basically her whole life is a hot mess. And the next morning, she is going like a mile a minute I think she is LITERALLY ON DRUGS. Like this, for example - no one, NO ONE ON EARTH loves bagels as much as me and I’M not even this fucking excited/weird about them:

And then Albert goes to Delia’s house like “WTF, NY??” and gives her a fucking gavel? He’s trying to bribe her with a new judge promotion or some shit, but she’s not having it - she has to be an A+ wife, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS ANYMORE. And he’s like, “IS THAT SO? BE MINE, THEN. BE MY WIFE SO YOU CAN OBEY ME.” Basically. And then he kiss-rapes her so she has to literally push him off and out of her apartment. But I mean yeah, he’s a total prize, she’s nuts for passing him up.

AND THEN HOLY SHIT THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK = TOTAL SHITSHOW. GORDON DEF GETS FIANCE SEX PICS AND SCOTT ADMITS HIS LOVE FOR JO AND HER PASTRY BOX KSJDFASLKJA BIG WEEK AHEAD, KIDS.

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce - 2x10: “Rule #36 - If You Can’t Stand the Heat, You’re Cooked” (lol what) Recap

This title reminds me of the time I got really high at a bonfire and I was sitting too close and my legs started burning, and I was like, “Wow now I know exactly how it feels to be food” and it was really trippy. ANYWAY. This episode starts with Abby at a meeting with some lady I recognize but I don’t remember who she is. OH it’s her editor I think. And she thinks her new book draft is KIND of good, but not gr8.

(Shoutout to Lisa E’s RL husband chillin in the background)

And now Phoebe’s new boyfriend is drawing her naked and I ALREADY LAMENTED THIS ON TWITTER BUT I LITERALLY HAVE NO NUDE DRAWINGS OF MYSELF CREATED BY SEXUAL CONQUESTS. THIS SEEMS LIKE A CRIMINAL INJUSTICE. Adding to my goals for 2016, amended as follows: do an unassisted pull-up lol just one, be able to lay flat in a pike stretch, make more money than I did last year, get drawn naked. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH. Phoebe gets a text from ~Ralf~ that he’s coming to pick up their non-existent children who we literally never see. Even though new boyfriend has allegedly met them already.

So Ralf meets Anxiety Boyfriend and it’s really awkward omg I’m crying. And Ralf feels bad for him so he offers to come look at his art. And he gets him an art show!! WHAT A GENTLEMAN. 

Meanwhile, Abby is running all around town getting special diva vitamins for her ex-husband’s baby incubator, and then buying these expensive green baby pants that will just get ruined with shit anyway. I would say that all of this is Jake’s job but OH WAIT, I THINK HE MUST BE IN LATVIA? Yeah.

lol and then she says that her editor wants her to write more about the Dr. Harris drams, and anyone who’s been paying attention knows HE’S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE who is just using her for pussy and pretty much nothing else. So all the girls are whining about his lack of commitment to monogamy and Abby’s like, “He hasn’t even met my kids yet! I shouldn’t even talk to him about monogamy until he sees all the amazingness in my life.” OH, you mean violent invisible friends and vodka-soaked tampons? YES, PUT A RING ON IT IMMEDIATELY. And then she bails on her friends to check on Becca - MORE AMAZINGNESS. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION DR. HARRIS.

So she calls him to invite him to JD’s art show, and fails MISERABLY at giving no fucks. Like her insecurity is PALPABLE and Jo’s giving her shit the entire time, it’s hilarious. But he’s like “yes I would love to be judged by your friends... so long as we can go to Pound Town after the gallery since that’s pretty much all I’m interested in.” And then she has to leave to help Becca - AGAIN - so Jo’s finally like “cut the shit Abby are you trying to steal her baby.” And Abby’s like NO and then invents an “emotional bubble” to protect herself:

I reeeeally wanted to make a gif of this but my shit isn’t working, sorry.

And then she goes home to LITERALLY WAIT ON BECCA HAND AND FOOT (literally - taking her shoes off for her), like bitch can’t even get her own water OR HOLD HER OWN PUKE BUCKET FFS. And then she cries and reminds us all that Jake is in Latvia. Which is good, because I forgot. 

Gordon comes into the bedroom asking Delia, “Does anything seem OFF to you?” YES, YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING EXISTENCE. FUCKING DIE AND DECAY ALREADY, JESUS. But apparently he’s just talking about his dress shirt with an upside down pocket. This is what happens when you fucking hire IDIOTS because they’re cheaper than competent people, which I’m sure is exactly what you did you greedy moron. Delia steps up to the wifey plate and offers to suck some dick to make up for his work failure. Gross.

Jo’s accented baker whose name I still don’t know (I just looked it up, it’s Scott), decides to make her some coffee when she shows up for work and she’s basically like “HOW DARE YOU YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE”. And then he’s like, “WELL FUCK YOU FOR GIVING AWAY OUR PASTRIES TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR FREE!!” fucking EAT me, asshole. And then they cause a scene in front of all their customers lmao.

JD and Phoebe are getting ready for the art show and Ralf gets jeal when he sees them kiss. Phoebe’s like “GREAT HOW’S CARLA.” LOL. Then, as Gordon and Delia are getting ready, he’s like “I have to go to NY tomorrow, you don’t mind if I skip tonight, do you?” YES!!! YES I FUCKING MIND!!! In the ENTIRE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING I’VE WANTED TO DO. Like I get that I fucked a short bald man BUT THERE ARE LIMITS TO MY GUILT.

So everyone shows up at Abby’s to pregame, including Dr. Fuckstain Harris, who monopolizes the conversation with tales of how fucking great he is to orphans in Ecuador or whatever. And then they ask JD about his art but he can’t carry a conversation for shit, so it’s just really awkward. “What’s your process?” Porn. I make porn art. That’s all he has to say but he can’t quite muster it and just starts screaming about how Delia is a lawyer.

Then Bun Bun comes screaming down the stairs and immediately clings to Abby’s leg, “I’M STARVING, FEED MEEEEEEE”, and Abby looks over her shoulder to make sure that Dr. Harris is witnessing all of this awesomeness.

And then the AC gives out lollll. Abby’s first thought is “OMG WHAT ABOUT BECCA?!?!?!?!” omg what ABOUT Becca! Fuck! I’m more worried about all of your expensive clothes that are going to get ruined by pit stains. PRIORITIES. And Harris is like “Becca Riley is living in the guest house??!” EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE. JESUS. And then Abby calls the repairman (because her new boyfriend is useless - you know who could have probably fixed this? WILL.) and admits that she had to “play the pregnant CW star card” - maybe you should play this card to get a fucking nanny or midwife or whoever the fuck takes care of pregnant people.  Or like ask one of her obsessive twitter stalkers to come hold her hair back while she pukes, I’m sure some fans would literally cut a bitch for that opportunity.

And then Scott shows up WITH PASTRIES AFTER HE TOLD JO SHE COULD NOT DO SUCH A THING? THAT FUCKER JUST WANTED TO PLAY FOOD HERO. NOT COOL. Speaking of not cool, Gordon says they HAVE to go home and skip the art show because he is “sweating” and “has 12 unanswered emails”. Wow if only there were a modern technological device that allowed businessmen such as yourself to respond to emails anytime, anywhere. SOMEBODY GET ON THIS IMMEDIATELY, I feel like there would be a huge market for it. 

And when Delia protests this bullshit, he yells in her face, “We’re going home. NOW.” AND SHE GOES ALONG WITH IT??? Yes, because those who are betrothed may never separate, even if only for two hours. DELIA BANAI, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. And then when Abby just tries to give him delicious baked goods, he yells “ABBY BACK OFF!!” FUCK. YOU. Just starve to death in your fucked up upside down sweat-drenched shirt, you fugly piece of shit, SEE IF I CARE.

And then the art show is all messed up because Ralf is like “You’re sooooo embarrassing, JD, we can’t have the buyers meeting you. THEY WILL NEVER GIVE US THEIR MONEY.” So he whisks Phoebe away to sell all the art, because boobs, leaving JD to fend for his anxiety-ridden self. AND THEN RALF TRIES TO KISS HER, BUT SHE NOPES THE FUCK OUT. He takes home her half naked porn art as a consolation prize. Creepy fuck.

Meanwhile, Abby and Harris are NOT at the art show because they are still waiting for the AC guy - turns out being a CW star does not carry much weight lol. She’s like LET’S GET NEKKID AND PLAY DOCTOR, and right as she’s about to get some quality cunnilingus, her phone goes off - OH SHIT IT’S BECCA I NEED TO DROP MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THE 50TH TIME TODAY, HER PREGNANCY HAS MADE HER LITERALLY CRIPPLED.

AND THEN OMFG - Jo and Scott are chilling by Abby’s pool, and she apologizes for being such a bitch about the scones. And then the conversation naturally falls back to The Choker, because that’s somehow connected or responsible for literally everything in Jo’s life and her every conversation as of late. AND THEN THEY KISS - FINALLY - PRAISE THE LORD. I’M SCREAMING.

And then they start to fuck on Abby’s couch lol. But be sure to use protection girl, because that dick has been inside of every vag in Los Angeles (and also probably whatever country he got his accent from), who knows what’s growing on it at this point.

Oh and then, since Delia has not given enough of herself, she offers to move to New York with Gordon for a couple of months so he can launch his stupid ass fashion line, even though she hates NY.

When Abby comes back to the bedroom, Harris is getting dressed and whining about how Abby’s “not capable of accommodating his needs”??? YES BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE SUCH A GOOD JOB OF ACCOMMODATING HERS. GOD, ABBY LIVES IN A LITERAL SEWER, SHE’S JUST SWIMMING AMONGST SO MANY PIECES OF SHIT TONIGHT. 

Speaking of pieces of shit, Becca has suddenly and miraculously regained the ability to walk, as she comes busting in screaming that SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THE BABY. And I’m just like WHAT ELSE IS NEW. So they rush her to the hospital, and Abby is doing SUCH a great job filling in for her ex-husband, like holding her hand and screaming at her to push and shit, and then the reward for all of her hard work IS A BLACK BABY. YES.

LOLLLLL LOLLLLLLL LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T.

And neither can Abby. Because she literally passes the fuck out, which I also really wanted to make a gif of GODDAMN IT.

NO BUT REALLY, LMAOOOOOOO.

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x04 - “Rule #605 - You CAN Go Home Again” Recap

SORRY THIS IS LATE AF~ HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OK, so in this SUPER PIVOTAL SHITSHOW OF AN EPISODE, Abby and Jake spend the whole weekend together. I know - hearing this spoiler made me almost puke but I made it, largely in part to bare-ass nudity and beautiful lingerie on Lisa Edelstein’s chiseled yoga bod. ANYWAYS.

Jake comes to pick up the kids, and scold himself like he’s a fucking puppy - “Bad! BAD Jake!!!” - about The Becca Secret. Abby is just like, “It’s fine, I gave way more fucks about curling my hair this morning than I ever did about you.” FUCKING FOR REAL THOUGH, HER HAIR IS PERFECT.

She follows up with “Wanna make out?” and Bun Bun comes speeding down the stairs, ruining ~the mood~ by screaming about his itchy asshole? No, literally. Reason #248923 I’m not having kids. They concoct a master plan to shove their genital fruits onto Ford for the weekend, and then Abby lists all the places they’re gonna bone. And I’m pouring myself another drink because... I just...

Meanwhile in a more productive and worthwhile part of town, Delia is fucking SLAYING in a blue pantsuit with pink accessories, jesus christ, and Phoebe comes strutting up with her model friend all like, “Our modeling days are over because we each have one whole wrinkle, but someone is throwing us a bread crumb in the form of some All Natural At Any Age campaign, we’re super fucking stoked about it!!!” And Delia just smiles like:

And basically what ends up happening is, they go to the ~test shoot~ and her friend turns out to be an epic backstabbing bitch so Phoebe rage quits and still has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Basically old news.

Delia goes house-hunting with her fucking douche of a fiancé, who apparently wants separate bedrooms? She gets butthurt about this and I’m like WHY, I don’t get it, you’re fucking sleeping anyways! Are you even aware of the shitstains that may or may not be breathing next to you when you’re fucking unconscious? And based on his selfish track record, he probably takes up half of your half just with his fat ass. Get your own room, girl, and fucking SPRAWL. No - she literally fucks him on the floor during a showing to manipulate him into giving her a house with one bedroom, and he’s like “HA ha, I knew it all along and set up this fake conundrum just so I could get some pussy, and you totally fell for it.” Solid marriage foundation, good job guys.

ALSO, Zooey has been visiting Frumpkis and his new bitch, and the basic storyline is that she’s lying about how much she hates her just to make Jo happy. Like what a fucking amazing kids, gold star for her~ Jo finds out about her “betrayal” when she snoops through her phone like a fucking child. 

ANYWAY, on to shit I actually care about right now, THIS:

I mean.... for fuck’s sake. Jake drops his keys on the floor and I can hear his boner pop all the way across the country (and fiction/non-fiction parameters, obviously). So he chases her around the house and they have really loud sex and it’s like they fucked the vocabulary right out of each other because the only words they know still are “radical honesty”. Literally, they say it 67 times.

So Jake is sitting on the counter in his boxers and Abby’s eating cereal right out of the box, they’re both drinking screwdrivers, and this is pretty much my ideal date except for the part where they ruin it just by being themselves. Jake asks her if she was in love with Jackhammer and she’s like “nah~ I just wanted Ego Cookies.” And I’m just over here like, those have a shitload of calories.

Jake grabs her wrist and yanks her to have sex on the dining room table (if this were the pie on the menu last Thanksgiving, maybe that evening wouldn’t have sucked so bad) and he’s like, “LOL I just made a mess, wanna stop with the foreplay and clean it up?” And she’s like, “...kinda. Your dick’s not that great.” And then she does what I have wanted to do to Jake 5ever:

AND THEN THEY HAVE A FOOD FIGHT. This would be my favorite part of being an actor - I don’t want to get in touch with emotions, I don’t want to win awards, I just want to get paid ludicrous amounts of money to wreck shit and not have to clean it up.

So they’re running around the mansion that their divorce exploitation is paying for, throwing food and gradually stripping, and then this happens for some reason:

...because, why the fuck not.

And after several shots and rounds of cunnilingus, this happens:

#iconic.

So they pass the fuck out, completely tuckered from the day’s “activities”. Abby wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the trough that is their home, and as expected cleans the entire thing by herself with no help from Jake. And then he has the nerve to give her shit about it. It’s like, YOU’RE WELCOME, ASSHOLE. And then he does some next level shit and dumps pretzels on the floor to stomp on. FUCK YOU.

He’s trying to teach her basketball (which she doesn’t fucking care about), and he does this with a bag of food, which is his first mistake. And then he tries to show off by smacking it out of a complete amateur’s hands, DO YOU FEEL SUPER NBA MACHO NOW, JAKE? She’s like, “OW” and he literally says “That didn’t hurt.” Which is fucking hilarious because literally 20 seconds later, she slaps him in the face during a tickle fight and he backs off screaming like an animal that’s just been shot. And Abby missed the golden opportunity of saying “~that didn’t hurt~”.

He’s like “CAN’T YOU JUST EVER FUCKING RELAX.” So they do just that - time for skinny dipping in their pool, YAS. Jake’s like “LOL I don’t even want the new baby” and Abby LITERALLY SAYS “you probably should have cum on her tits.” Wise words. And then they both complain about how the other person’s parents suck. Again, they can’t communicate like actual adults so they decide to completely drop the subjects as if it makes the issues nonexistent. It’s a pretty good strategy, tbh.

To help them forget all their problems even further, they decide to go find some ecstasy and have a dance party. COOL. So Jake goes to his shitty apartment complex to try to find that dude from last season who literally introduced himself as a drug dealer right out the gate. He’s not there, so Jake has to settle for some viagra from Jo. PARTY ON, WAYNE.

Back at home, Abby has set up a homemade rave in their living room, with glowsticks and gold shorts, YAS. She’s having the greatest time in her cute lil pigtails, flailing around before the drugs even get there, it’s so cute.

“Waiting for mah drugs, la la la ~”

Then Dr. Oz calls her on Facetime, and he’s like, “Pigtails? Basically a blow job with handle bars! Wanna try that sometime?” And she’s like, “Let me think about it... yus.” And then she passes the fuck out before she gets to enjoy Jake’s four hour erection :(

She wakes up to Jake fixing the dryer or something the next day, talking about how he “misses being the handy man around the house”. OH, I HAVE AN IDEA, WHY DON’T YOU BUILD A FUCKING CRIB FOR YOUR CW BABY. Anyway, he’s all cocky about how good he is at fixing shit, and surprise surprise, he actually sucks and wrecked the thing. So Abby merely says “I don’t think it’s fixed, I’m gonna check YouTube” and Jake gets all butthurt?? lol wtf do you want from me, do you want Ego Cookies for completely sucking ass? Sit, stay, EARN THE EGO COOKIES. BAD JAKE, BAD!!!

So she’s googling the issue and he’s literally telling her HOW TO GOOGLE?! lmao, this coming from the guy WHO FUCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, so pardon me if I don’t put much stock in your instructions. Jesus Christ. And then he tells her to fix it herself and it turns into a literal screaming match. Because they are children.

He’s like, “You believe everything is MY fault, ALL THE TIME!” Uh yeah, because IT LITERALLY IS. And then he compares himself to a monkey flinging shit, and ngl it’s pretty accurate. LMAO and then he’s like, “Harris replaced Will replaced Nate, who replaced your monkey husband!” WOW good job genius, you’ve figured out the basics of HOW DATING WORKS. Always move on to bigger and better things (or at least you should be, if you’re doing it right - Jake 2.0 is the main kink on her beautiful man-chain).

And then she rightfully points out his inadequacy and how the fact that she has a lucrative career threatens his testosterone and he’s like “I’M MAKING A MOVIE WITH JGL!!!" And she’s like, “Oh here, I think you’ve dropped this name about a million times, NO ONE FUCKING CARES.” And they just keep screaming and I’m over here like:

Ford interrupts this immensely satisfying bitch-sesh with a phone call that the kids are on their way. So they clean up (Jake actually helps, I AM SHOCKED) and Bun Bun comes busting in demanding that dad stay for dinner? So they’re stuck together for several more awkward hours until they put the kids to bed. He goes to leave, but Abby’s like, “Staaaaayyyyyy, in my beddddd~” like DEFCON 1 didn’t just happen.

Anyway, they basically decide to do a conscious uncoupling, after realizing that they will NEVER FIX THEIR PROBLEMS. They are just incompatible people at their very core. They may have been compatible once, but people outgrow each other. And/or turn into complete assholes.

So Jake gets his duffel bag of shit and gets ready to leave. Permanently. And I’ve been waiting for this to happen and even looking forward to this shit, but IT’S SO FUCKING SAD GUYS.

Abby: You know I love you, right? Jake: I do. And I love you forever. Abby: We just can’t fix it? Jake: We are just.... these people.... together.

Abby: We gave it a good second go, right? Jake: We sure did.

So he goes to walk out the door, and she calls after him saying that her heart is breaking?! OMG :( :( :( :( :( He comes back to hug her and they’re both crying so bad, holy shit I don’t even like them AND MY FACE IS INCREDIBLY MOIST RIGHT NOW.

WATERFALLS. OUT MY EYES. GOD!!!

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce - 2x03 - “Rule #8: Timing Is Everything” Recap

lmao, as you can see, this episode starts with Abby baked off her ass. APPARENTLY she had a Baked Date™ which is a five-course dinner made entirely out of marijuana. WHERE DO I SIGN UP. Jake comes over to take Lilly on a driving lesson, but takes a second to let Abby know that he’s jealous of all the dates she’s going on. Then he helps her tweet this guy who is basically a hot version of Dr. Oz.

Meanwhile, Delia’s sad that her own father is blowing off her engagement party (that I thought she gave no fucks about anyway, but whatever), and Gordon’s like “Can you try to forget about it? MY family will be there!” WOW HOW WONDERFUL, ALL OF MY ISSUES WITH MY DRUNK-ASS DAD SEEM TO HAVE VANISHED I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET MY MOTHER IN LAW. Look, she really is thrilled:

OMG AND THEN THIS FUCKBAG TELLS HER HIS MOM WANTS TO HELP WITH THE WEDDING, SO DELIA’S LIKE “GREAT, HAVE THE PLANNER WE HIRED DELEGATE SOMETHING TO HER” AND GORDON’S LIKE “NO, I HAVEN’T ASKED YOU TO COMPROMISE ENOUGH ALREADY, I DEMAND YOU PERSONALLY INVITE HER TO HELP WITH SOMETHING” AND DELIA’S LIKE “BUT I TOLD YOU TO MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OR WHAT SHE CAN EVEN HELP WITH.” I can’t believe how “all take and no give” this guy is, it keeps getting WORSE, Delia wake up - this is a precursor to the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Across town, Jo is raging that her little café is basically the Pleasantville of bakeries, ALL THE PASTRIES NEED MOAR COLOR AND FROSTING. And Hipster Vegan Fuck is like “lol your vagina needs more frosting~” Of course a sex addict would think that sex solves all the problems... but I mean, he’s not wrong.

Abby goes to work at SheShe~ and Barbara tells her that she’s been creeping her twitter all morning (and frothing with rage that she is getting male attention - DOES EVERYONE REMEMBER HOW MISERABLE AND ALONE BARBARA IS FROM HER DIVORCE?? She hasn’t mentioned it in two whole minutes so I’m just making sure). And apparently Dr. Oz wants to go out with Abby?? She’s immediately like “NO, I have to put my foot down and turn down this hot, rich, doctor peen so I can keep banging the total shitshow of a man that is my husband.”

Speaking of Jake, he is LITERALLY STALKING his new baby incubator and when Becca calls him on his shit he responds, “I JUST NEED YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE.” Fucking really? Am I carrying the next Jesus Christ? Did my baby come out of nowhere? Every day that I wake up and realize I’m pregnant, I FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EXISTENCE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR EXISTENCE.

He tells her that he and Abby are giving it another shot. WHY DOES BECCA GIVE A SHIT. WHY ARE YOUR DICK JOURNEYS RELEVANT TO HER. They decide they both want Jake to be present and involved in the kid’s life but then he’s like “Well that might be difficult because I haven’t told Abby about our spawn yet.” And Becca’s just like “I sincerely hope our child ISN’T AS FUCKING DUMB AS YOU.”

Abby meets Phoebs and Deals for lunch so she can brag about these hot pink shoes she bought and oh, also her ~new date~ coming up. Phoebe’s like “HDU DO THIS TO WILL YOU HEARTLESS BITCH.” Abby gets this epic deer-in-headlights look, realizing that her friends still don’t know she’s given up her first class seat on the Fuck Train in favor of coach tickets. BLAH.

You may have noticed Jo is not at lunch. It’s because a.) she thinks Abby is a huge bitch for having the audacity to suggest she live on her own like a fucking adult, and b.) she’s too busy getting laid by some hot guy she found on a dating app. I am kind of salty I’ve been in a long-term relationship since before Tinder was invented, because I can really see how it facilitates whoring, what a time-saver.

Lilly comes home from her driving lesson FUCKING BAWLING because she has picked up on the fact that her parents are still doing the dirty. THE HORROR. It is unclear to me, but Jake says he “lied and told her everything but the truth”, so does that mean he tried to “reassure” her by saying “no worries kid, your mom and I still fucking hate each other”?? IDGI. Abby suggests they go to therapy (Uh, YEAH) and Jake’s response is to yell “BECCA’S PREGNANT.” lollll, brb I need to get popcorn.

Delia goes to meet Gordon’s mom, who is exactly what you’d expect - a hoity-toity bitch who can’t take a hint or “no” for an answer. She won’t stfu about how Delia NEEDS to go to Iran and she NEEDS to eat and she NEEDS to do all this shit, and Delia already gets her daily quota of instructions from her piece of shit fiancé so she’s just like “Sorry bitch, what I NEED is to go back to work, there’s a v intense custody battle going on at 9pm”. And Mom’s like “FUCK THE CHILDREN, IT CAN WAIT UNTIL MORNING.” How charming. Delia bails anyway - THERE’S THE ASSERTIVE CHICK I KNOW AND LOVE.

Abby has her date with the doctor, and he’s pretty much perfect. AND OK REAL TALK - THEIR BANTER IS A+, THEY GET ALONG SO GREAT AND THEY’RE BOTH SO HOT, PERFECT CHEMISTRY AND I FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD PROBABLY FUCK ON THEIR PRIVATE DINNER TABLE. But Abby ruins it by CRYING LIKE A BITCH, shedding all these tears over the fact that Jake will have a new baby? IDEK WHY YOU’RE SAD, HE’S THE ONE IN INFANT PRISON, YOU HAVE ALL THE FREEDOM IN THE WORLD - YOU CAN FUCK WILL AND DR. OZ ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT AND ALL OVER THE HOUSE WITHOUT BABY SHIT GETTING IN YOUR HAIR. 

In other news, Phoebe is so fucking bored now that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, that she’s resorted to stalking Delia’s extended family members for entertainment?? And inviting these people she barely even knows to the engagement party?? LMAOOO. Delia launches into full-on Bitch Mode™ about it and she’s basically like, “You KNOW I am embarrassed to be marrying Bottom Feeder, hdu let even more people have access to my shitshow of a relationship!”

Barbara hears about Abby’s meltdown at dinner and basically forces her to tweet about her failings to make all the pathetic inferior bitches of the world feel a smidge better about themselves. Does it even work? I wouldn’t know~

Meanwhile, Jo is being THAT OBNOXIOUS BITCH I HATE, the girl who stares at her phone and laughs to herself so people ask what’s going on and she can brag about the “cute” things her new boyfriend says that literally no one else will find entertaining in any way. When I can tell someone is doing this, I purposely ignore them and let them laugh to themselves like the fucking schizos that they are. 

Anyway, she’s like, “~I’m practically engaged!~” and invites Tinder Peen to be her date to Delia’s party. Hipster Vegan Fuck is jealous and butthurt and we just know that he and Jo are going to end up rolling around in flour at some point soon, lbr.

Abby sits down with Jake to tell him how salty she is about his new crotchfruit, but simultaneously proud of him for “coming to her right after he found out”? lolllll. SPOILER SURPRISE, JAKE IS THE SAME SELFISH, POOR COMMUNICATOR THAT YOU WERE DIVORCING IN THE FIRST PLACE. And then she brags about how things “got physical” with her and Will, and Jake is like, “He HIT you?!” YEAH, WITH HIS MAGICAL FUCK STICK. REPEATEDLY.

They both say it’s fine, but I hope you fuckers break up. Again.

Now it’s time for the You’re-Gonna-End-Up-Divorced engagement party, YAY! So everyone gets all fancy and instead of having a mature evening, Delia’s still being a catty bitch to Phoebs (who is wearing a literal superhero cape), Jo’s “fiancé” Tinder Peen is uncivilized swine and a complete fucking embarrassment at the shrimp fountain (before he gets wasted and PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN), and these bitches are laying in giant martini glasses in bubble outfits literally living my dream life. 

Oh and then Mrs. Beech gives Delia this heinous fucking tarp and she starts crying about how much her family sucks. She finally apologizes to Phoebe for being such a See You Next Tuesday, and to close the evening with a bang, Ford shows up SPECIFICALLY to make Abby feel like shit and casually mention that Jake has known about the b-a-b-y for weeks. 

So she storms out to YELL AT HIS STUPID ASS AND I’M LIKE YESSSS LET ME PUT ON MY CHEERLEADING OUTFIT. BECAUSE F-U-C-K *clap clap* THIS GUY! and then - it’s almost like he realized he hadn’t reached maximum douche capacity because he has the nerve to say HE can’t trust HER because she fucked Will?! lmaooooo. She basically calls him a piece of shit, and then when she gets home there is a fucking rainforest on her doorstep AND A LOVE NOTE:

CAN WE JUST... STOP WITH THE STUPIDITY AND ACTUALLY SHACK UP WITH A DECENT GUY?! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING MASOCHIST ABBY MCCARTHY. HOT FETUS AND DR. OZ BOTH HAVE HUGE THROBBING BONERS FOR YOU, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, AND LAST I CHECKED NEITHER OF THEM CURRENTLY HAVE OTHER BITCHES PREGNANT, SO.... use your head and go after a man who doesn’t suck.

Except I know you won’t because I saw the commercial for next episode UGH.

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Girlfriends' Guide To Divorce: ANOTHER TRAILER RECAP

Okay, so fuck. GG2D is just a little over a month away now, and how I will make it that long I actually do not know, but I felt the need to pop in and explain wtf is going on in the latest promo they've released (spoilers: IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE, YAASSS.)

So, pretty much THERE IS A POSTER FOR HER NOW:

And she's doing this A+ seminar thing, and she looks kind of nervous when they're announcing her but she manages to put on such a pretty professional game face up at her lil podium of books:

#PICTUREPERFECTFABULOUS

... until she accidentally announces that she wishes her husband was dead. And all the ladies in the audience get judgmentally BUTTHURT, like they've never wanted their husbands to die?! PLEASE. I'm not even married and I already know that sometimes it would be easier if my future husband was dead. LIKE, GET OFF UR HIGH HORSIES.

Put that stupid, philandering foot on solid ground, bub.

Then she goes all Ross Gellar on everyone's ass, screaming that they're ~on a break~. Her girlfriends are all "NOT TO BE A BUZZKILL OR ANYTHING BUT HE'S GOING TO GET A KILLER SPORTS CAR AND FUCK GIRLS HALF YOUR AGE LOL". And I'm like what are you even talking about, this precious bb does not look a day over 25.

But then she starts freaking out bc his new fuck buddy was born in 1989. Like, legitimately losing her shit. SO SHE RAGE-QUITS HER RELATIONSHIP:

okay, ngl, she's like an angel to me and even I am terrified of this rn.

So then she says the thing about how it would be so much easier if he would just fucking die. AND IT PRETTY MUCH GOES VIRAL, like bitches on Good Morning America or whatever are like gossiping about her. And she's like:

AND APPARENTLY THIS ONE LITTLE COMMENT HAS DRIVEN HER BOOK SALES INTO THE GROUND? LIKE DEEPER THAN THE EARTH'S CRUST, LIKE HELLISH LEVELS OF PLUMMETING. And this crazy bitch even tries to mURDER HER with one?!

OMG LADY YOU JUST EARNED A VIP SPOT ON MY SHITLIST, WHO ARE YOU EVEN.

And then she's in the kitchen like, "In one moment of TMI, I basically destroyed my life." Chin up - this has happened to me like a million times. JUST GO SHOPPING MOAR. REINVENT YOURSELF. LIKE MADONNA.

So she takes her rings off and is like, fuck this shit. And then she goes and bangs her own little 1989-born baby. He made an appearance in the last trailer, The Younger Man Experience™ guy, and he's hot as fuck, BUT THERE'S SOME EXTRA JUICE IN THIS ONE because she's all in lingerie and everything. DAMN. Then shit gets real when she says her lame ex's name in bed with him? Oh, girl. OH GIRL. *pats her head* ROOKIE MISTAKE.

So then there's a little section announcing the cast, which we already know and love:

So then she's at dinner with IDK who, and this chick's like "Marriage as we know it is dead." And I'm like PRAISE JESUS. And then Beau Garrett's character is like, endorsing threesomes and I think it's just like a joke, BUT NOPE. IT IS AN ACTUAL PLOT POINT. BEHOLD:

I CAN'T DECIDE WHO IN THIS HOT TUB I AM MORE JEALOUS OF. NO, I ACTUALLY CANNOT.

And then - obviously this fucking editor did not budget in enough RECOVERY TIME - this hot little montage happens:

And like all the sex/UNDERWEAR DANCING/sex toy/kissing stuff is super important but I am mainly aware of the fact that she is getting SPLASHED IN THE FACE WITH LIQUOR. I MEAN, WHAT. WHAT HAS SHE DONE. Maybe it's Younger Man's momma lion gettin' all vengeful and shit, IDK.

But whatever, she brushes that shit off and just goes and gets fucked against a window:

UM. And then there's wine, SO MUCH WINE, I feel like this show is actually a summation of my 20's - sex, wine, TMI fuck-ups and career failures, PARTY TIME, SEXCELLENT.

... except I don't have a son running around my kitchen treating my vibrator like a fucking light saber. So, again, PRAISE JESUS, for that.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. So basically, I'm dying. I leave you all with this EPIC BITCHFACE:

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( MOAR GG2D RECAPS )

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