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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x12 - “Rule #876: Everything Does Not Happen For a Reason” Recap

So this episode starts out with Delia being MIRACULOUSLY excited to marry LOSER OF THE YEAR, Mr. Gordon Beech. I feel like I’ve bitched about this countless times but I sincerely DO NOT GET IT. He is selfish and controlling and not even cute. And Delia doesn’t even need his money! He must have a fucking horse-sized thundercock because that is literally the only explanation.

Meanwhile, Abby is being that bitch I HATE in restaurants, who steals an entire four person table just for herself because “oh my bag and folder are sooooo important, look at me I’m sooooo busy and overwhelmed” FUCKING WORK AT HOME THEN. OR RENT A GODDAMN OFFICE. Barbara comes in all “get your shit together, woman” and Abby’s just like “TELL IT TO THE RED BULL, BITCH.” Her book is due in two days and because she’s procrastinated so much by whoring around with Dr. Harris and nurturing Taye Diggs’ baby in utero, she is inconveniencing the entire world in her frantic efforts to meet her deadline. AND SHE’S TAKING UP PRIME CAFE REAL ESTATE WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING BUYING ANYTHING. The barista is like, “you can’t fucking be here” and Abby just GIVES HER A DEATH GLARE LIKE SHE GIVES NO FUCKS. And we just know she’s gonna snap this episode lollll.

OH AND YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW JAKE IS IN LATVIA? YEAH, WELL HE IS, AND HE’S APPARENTLY COMING BACK SOON - WHICH, THANK GOD. And then Abby goes home to have a hugely existential conversation with her dog... which is RUDELY interrupted by a call about how Bun Bun needs a fucking nut cup? GODDAMN IT, BUN BUN, you picked literally THE WORST TIME to leave your tiny balls unprotected.

Over at the bakery, Scott is bitching about IDEK what, because all I hear is a sexy accent la la la~. And then Frumpkis comes strolling in like the inebriated piece of useless shit that he is. And the guy escorting his drunk ass is like, “Somebody needs to pay me his $300 bar tab or I’m calling the cops!” FINE! FUCKING CALL THE COPS!! I’m not about to be out three hundred bucks because my loser ex-husband doesn’t know his limits, FUCK THAT. But they just take it out of the bakery till, because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY. And Scott tries to help but Jo’s basically just like FUCK YOU I HAVE WHIPLASH. And then she tells her kid that Frumpkis can stay with them for awhile? STUPID.

The girls are planning a bachelorette sleepover for Delia, and after lamenting the loss of Renee Zellweger’s original lemon face, JD comes busting in to crash the party? His landlord “kicked him out today” so he’s basically moving in with Phoebe. Delia’s like “wow he’s such a loser, what are you even doing” and Phoebe’s like “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. Gordon? Really?” So they both shut up and promptly revisit their 90′s romcom discussion.

Abby’s strolling down the streets of LA - you know, typical modern woman having a business call with her editor whilst shopping for a child’s nut cup - when ALL OF THE SUDDEN, she is fucking BOMBARDED by a Dr. Harris fanclub and multiple billboards of his successful new book? She’s like OH HELL NO. So she starts raging at these groupies and they’re like “lolllll we know you” and do Google Image searches to prove that she’s his ex - “the older one”. RUDE. AND THEN SHE ALMOST GETS HIT BY A TROLLEY LMAO.

And then when she goes to leave, she can’t find her parking ticket so this fat ass parking attendant tries to make her pay a fee?!?! And she’s like “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM ABBY MCCARTHY. I AM ALSO HOTTER THAN YOU.” But he doesn’t give two shits. So she LITERALLY SCREAMS, and then DRIVES THROUGH THE BARRICADE. You guys - just watching this is a spiritual experience for me, if I had a dollar for every time I felt like doing this, I could pay for parking FOR LIFE. True story: one time my grandma lost her parking ticket, so she drove the wrong way down a one way ramp to avoid paying the fee, LIKE A BOSS. But I would still rather do this:

NOW IT’S SLEEPOVER TIME!! The girls are sucking on rainbow peen lollies and playing dick darts in their sparkly Team Bride shirts and pigtails - I DIE. 

JUST WANT TO GIVE A QUICK SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE LADIES ON THIS SHOW BECAUSE THEY LOOK SO CUTE AND BEAUTIFUL LITERALLY ALL THE TIME.

Abby’s salty as hell that she’s missing the party, so she sends a fake apology text to try to get admission. But Delia sees right through her shit, she’s like NO DICK CANDIES FOR YOU, BITCH. No but I mean I think we can all relate to this - a bitch has wronged you, and you get all tingly inside seeing the “...” on your message screen, but then it goes away?! BOOM YOU’RE PISSED ALL OVER AGAIN. Don’t even deny this. And then Abby goes to bed WITH HER JEANS ON, and seriously - fewer things on this earth irk me more than jeans making contact with bed sheets. I literally can’t even look.

In other news - this is fucking adorable:

Can I please hire these sweethearts to be MY wedding entourage?! OMG.

Delia skips her wedding day massage to run off and have sex with Gordon?! Further confirmation of my thundercock theory, because I have never encountered dick good enough to make me forego a massage.

ALSO, HOLY SHIT CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT:

NO, REALLY.

CAN WE JUST.

AND she’s smart as HELL, guys! (except for the part of her brain that thinks marrying Shithead here is a good idea, but I can overlook that BECAUSE HELLO BODY GOALS). And yeah, as I mentioned, she fucks him, which is just... HE IS NOT WORTHY. SO I’M GOING TO IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON.

Back at the bachelorette gathering, the girls are gossiping about Abby’s latest social media scandal. BEHOLD:

Please note the caption: “LOL OMG ROFLMAO”. lolllllll and everyone is tweeting about how she’s a “dumpster whore”. I die. So they decide to break into her house to make sure she hasn’t fucking KILLED HERSELF because god knows, they would. They bust in to ruin Abby’s bubble bath and she flashes them with some full frontal nudity, as if they haven’t already seen her in all of her nekkid window-trapped glory.

AND THEN THEY BASICALLY DO AN INTERVENTION. But it’s unsuccessful because Abby just cries and storms out like all the crack heads do when they’re confronted on their shit. TOO MUCH RED BULL WILL DO THAT TO A GIRL. Phoebe’s like “noooo, you will regret your bitchy behavior I SWEAR IT.” So Abby relents and packs up her bridesmaid shit to surprise Delia in her lush bridal suite. It’s awkward af.

They all get dressed, and Abby tries to apologize but is interrupted by wedding planners doing their job HOW DARE THEY. Delia puts on her dress and OMG THIS COVER OF “LATCH” IS TO DIE FOR, WHOSE IS IT. All of the music in this episode is FUCKING AMAZING and completely on point.

Jo decides to get smashed early, where she’s cornered by Scott, who CONFESSES HIS FUCKING LOVE??!?!?!?! OMG, ABOUT TIME!!! AND HE LOOKS HOT AS HELL IN A BLACK SHIRT/BLACK TIE PAIRING, OMG I DIE. JO ALSO LOOKS ADORABLE, I CAN’T. AND HE SAYS HE “CAN’T IMAGINE SPARRING WITH ANYONE ELSE” AND HE’S “HELPLESS” OMG JUST FUCK ALREADY YOU TWO, EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. “GOD HELP ME I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.” HELP, I’M DYING.

About to walk down the aisle, Abby gets a call from her editor, TAKES it, and promptly starts screaming in the church about what bullshit it is that her book draft was filed under “COMPLETE GARBAGE, PLZ REDO”.

Meanwhile, Gordon is enjoying his last few moments of “freedom” with his likely-just-as-douchey dudebros, when he gets a special, hand delivered envelope full of ADULTEROUS WIFEY PORN. YESSSSS. So he BUSTS into the room where Delia is hiding and he’s like “HDU FUCK THAT BALD MIDGET, MISS BANAI”. And then he calls her ugly and desperate? lmao, have you SEEN yourself dude? And I get that she cheated, but he’s a HUGE fucking asshole, like to the point where I would be afraid of domestic violence had they gone through with the wedding. GOOD RIDDANCE, FUCKTARD.

Anyway, he fucking FORCES her to walk down the aisle and marry him so that he’s not “humiliated” in front of all his friends and family. And she actually does?? SORRY, our relationship is already damaged beyond repair, you don’t get to force me to do SHIT, I don’t care HOW much fucking guilt I have. Good to see he’s a controlling manipulator right up until the very end. ALSO, IF I RECALL, YOU STARTED FUCKING DELIA WHEN YOU WERE STILL MARRIED, SO LITERALLY EAT SHIT YOU HYPOCRITICAL SHITSTAIN.

So the girls start the wedding procession, walking down the aisle with some hot Manservants the casting department hired, followed by THE HAPPY COUPLE strolling down in slow motion, trying to hide their catastrophe. IT WORKS - EVERYONE TOTALLY BUYS IT. They kiss at the altar, and I’m super proud of Delia because I probably wouldn’t have been able to resist literally biting his face.

Then, he fucking PULLS her out of the church, like actually drags her before dramatically letting go of her hand and storming off. As if people won’t see this. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST RUINED YOUR OWN FACADE. My only regret is that a photographer wasn’t outside waiting for their emergence like A GOOD (no doubt five-figure) PHOTOGRAPHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN, to document this abuse.

And then next week is the SEASON FINALE, where Gordon’s mom literally SLAPS DELIA IN THE FACE (this explains a LOT) and Jake comes back and who even knows what else. BUT CAN WE PLEASE GET NEWS OF SEASON THREE RENEWAL. PLEASE.

—

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Supernatural: 11x13 - “Love Hurts” Recap

I hope everyone had a very happy Valentine’s Day and enjoyed this Valentine’s Day-themed episode! I love when they do holiday episodes and the “THEN” scenes have me bouncing up and down in my seat before the episode even starts! The Christmas episode with the two pagan gods is one of my faves. SO! Let’s get into it. The episode starts out in Hudson, Ohio on Valentine’s Day. There’s a couple, Dan and Melissa, in their bedroom getting ready to go out and the doorbell rings. Melissa throws a total shit fit because their babysitter, Stacy, rings the doorbell (instead of knocking) risking waking up their baby before they go out. The husband goes down stairs to open the door for her and the little homewrecker promptly jumps him and starts making out with him! What even? Anyway. 

The teenage babysitter starts hassling him about leaving his wife because she wants to be his new babymaker. Before they can get any further Melissa comes down stairs and takes her cheating husband away on their Valentine’s Day date. While their out Melissa is at home and is being watched by someone through the patio window. The camera pans to show a nanny cam sitting on a shelf amongst other stuffed animals, clearly going to capture this girl get fucked up. The patio door opens, someone grabs her shoulders and she turns around to someone and says “What are you doing here?” Clearly someone she knows, but his face isn’t shown. The mystery man starts to message her shoulders and then pulls back to PUNCH HER HEART OUT OF HER CHEST. What is happening???

Back at the bunker the next morning, Sam is sitting at their kitchen table (doing research, AS USUAL) and Dean walks in clearly hungover lol. He has a hickey on his neck from his usual Valentine’s Day shenanigans and I just want to be the one who gave it to him! Sam shows him the case he’s researching (from the opening scene) but Dean says “If it’s not about my boo, Amara, I don’t wanna hear about it.” Jk. He doesn’t say that. But Sam explains to him that the girl had her fucking heart ripped out and that they should definitely go scope it out because it is definitely their kind of case.

They show up at Dan and Melissa’s house to question them and Dan (of course) isn’t saying anything about doing the babysitter. Melissa tells them that nothing was missing except for the nanny cam. That, you know, captured the murder. CONVENIENT. Sam and Dean leave and agree that Dan was acting suspicious. They split up, Sam going to check the body and Dean going to Dan’s office hoping he’ll talk if he’s not aground his wife.

We don’t learn much from Sam’s talk with the medical examiner but Dan spills the beans talking to Dean. He admits that he was doing the babysitter, that he took the nanny cam (because she’d kissed him on it in the beginning of the episode). He was going to give it to the police after erasing the kiss but when looking at the footage he saw that it was him that killed Stacy. He was at the restaurant with his wife the whole night so it couldn’t have been him. Automatically you assume shapeshifter, right? So does Sam after Dean shows him the footage. But, spoiler alert: WRONG. Lol.

Back at Dan’s office his secretary is saying goodbye to him and as she’s leaving she bumps into, guess who? DEAD STACY. Dead Stacy goes into Dan’s office and tells him that she wants him to give her his heart. But then she just punches him through the chest and takes it. Dead Dan. Lol.

At Dan’s office the next day Dean is questioning Dan’s secretary. He asks her if anything unusual happened and she mentions bumping into rude ass, dead Stacy. She doesn’t know who the girl was so Sam shows the secretary a picture of Dead Stacy and she confirms that was who she bumped into getting on the elevator the night before. Sam and Dean leave thinking that the wife is the shifter. They show up to question her and she is a blubbering mess because, her husband just died and shit. Sam ole insensitive ass asks if she knew Dan was fucking the babysitter. She knew, of course, but says that she loved him and thought they still had a chance to make their marriage work. Dean hands her his card with a silver pen to write down her number if they have more questions. She grabs it, no trouble, proving that she is not a shapeshifter. Sam tells her to give them a call if anything strange or out of the ordinary happens. They leave, Dean going back to the bar to “get lucky” and Sam going back to their hotel to do more research. As usual. Lol. As they leave we see Melissa run back to room and grab a shoebox that was hidden in a dresser. The box is filled with witchcraft tools that she promptly shoves down the garbage disposal. Witches, not a shapeshifter! She calls someone and tells them that she thinks she messed up, something went wrong. That Dan is dead and she’s being questioned by the FBI. She hangs up and shoves the rest of her witchy stuff down the drain.

Later that night she’s walking around her house having a glass of wine and Dead Dan starts banging at the front door. He punches through the door and comes after her. She’s pretty much a fucking savage though. She pepper sprays his ass, hits him with a potted flower, grabs her purse and hauls ass! She makes it to the hotel that Sam and Dean are staying at and tells them that Dead Dan is trying to kill her. She tells them about how she was confiding in her hairdresser about Dan cheating on her. Well, apparently, her hairdresser is a “white witch” and gave her a “Return to Love” spell.  But clearly something went wrong because now Stacy and Dan are dead and she’s going to be next lol. She gives Sam a copy of the spell and he does his nerd thing and translates it. Turns outtttt, it’s a curse, not a spell, called “The Kiss of Death.” That is ominous. Melissa tells them that her witchy hairdresser didn’t say anything about a curse. Dean asks Sam what the lore says but there is none because the spell was most likely made up by the “white witch.” So, they go over what they know. If you kiss someone then they die. Lol, Sam asks Melissa if she kissed Stacy and she’s like “No, you dumbass.” But then Dean remembers that Dan did. Sam concludes that the curse is transmittable. (“Like a magical STD”) They’re trying to figure out why Stacy died first if she was kissed second and Melissa’s like “Hold on, I am fucking confused” and Dean’s like “Yeah, it’s pretty fucking confusing” lol. Basically the curse is working its way back to Melissa. She has to kiss someone else or Dan is gonna keep coming after her and the curse will “end with her.” As Dean is telling her they’re not going to let that happen, Dead Dan bursts through the window of their hotel room. Dean shoots him like 17 times and nothing happens so he kisses Melissa to distract him and Sam comes out of nowhere and knocks the fuck out of Dead Dan with a chair. They leave the hotel room and as they’re driving away you can see Dead Dan get back up in the shadow on the curtains in their hotel room window. Dead Dan morphs into a chick WHO IS CLEARLY AMARA. What is happening???

After they are a safe distance away from the hotel they pull over to get some gear out of the trunk. Sam is lecturing Dean telling him that he doesn’t have to be the martyr. Melissa gets out of the car freaking out asking what the hell is going on. Dean tells her that they thought it was a shapeshifter but the bullets he shot it with were silver bullets and they didn’t work so clearly WRONG.

Dean asks if she knows where the hairdresser witch lives but she doesn’t. She tells them where her salon is and when they get there they leave Melissa in the car with a knife and tell her to stab the witch if she shows up. Sam and Dean break into her salon and find her stash of witch goodies. Sam goes through her book of shadows to find the curse that she gave Melissa. Turns out the monster of the week is a qareen, “a creature corporeal in form, a slave to your commands.” You chant the curse, kiss your victim and the qareen hunts down your victim presenting itself as their deepest, darkest desire (which is why its Amara now, I’m not here for this fucking Amara/Dean storyline at all). This explains why Dan killed Stacy, Stacy killed Dan and Dan is coming after Melissa. She really loved his cheating ass. Dean chuckles and says the silver lining about him being cursed is he’ll finally get some face time with Daisy Duke (Sam asks him “Bach or Simpson?”) like that’s really who he’s about to see when the qareen shows up. I can’t. They look in the book of shadows to find out how to kill the qareen. It says to stab it in its heart but in the pictures it has a hole in its chest. Sam reads more and finds out that the heart isn’t in its body but in the possession of the one who commands it. The white witch hairdresser.

Sam goes upstairs to look for the heart while Dean stays downstairs. Sam finds a lock box with the qareen’s heart in it and as soon as he opens it the witch is behind him pinning him to a chair. Meanwhile, downstairs where Dean is the qareen shows up as Amara. It tells him that she understands the longing in his heart and that she feels it too. This whole scene made me sick lol. Basically, Dean wants to fuck the Darkness. Qareen Amara is like “YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS.” He tells the qareen that the real Amara does have a hold on him but this fake Amara is a “cheap imitation” lol. Standing up for his BOO. Qareen Amara starts coming after Dean punching holes in literally every surface of this room trying to get to him lol. And back upstairs the witch is explaining to Sam that she gave Melissa the curse for the qareen because the only thing worse than a cheating man is one who gets away with it. So, she gave Melissa that spell so it would kill Dan and then come back and kill Melissa for wanting to forgive him. She tells Sam that she’s “weeding out the idiots” and he’s next. She starts chanting a spell at him and Melissa runs in and distracts her long enough for Sam to get away. Sam grabs his gun and shoots the witch in the back while she’s talking to Melissa and she is down for the count. He stabs the qareen’s heart just in time as Qareen Amara had Dean pinned to the wall and was about to punch him through the chest.

Sam runs up to tell Dean that he stabbed the heart of the qareen and that everything is good. When Sam gets up the stairs Dean is clearly shaken but not wanting to talk about what happened so he walks away leaving Sam in the room. Buuuut, Sam notices all the fist holes on every surface of the fucking room before he leaves.

Back at their hotel room Sam asks Dean which Daisy Duke he saw, Bach or Simpson? And Dean blows my fucking mind and actually tells him that it was Amara. They literally never tell each other stuff until its blowing up in their faces and I am just truly shocked that Dean told his brother that he wants to stick his dick in God’s sister. Go you, Dean. Sam, oddly, isn’t surprised. He’s understanding and tells him that he never had a choice, she’s God’s sister and for some reason picked him. He asks Dean how bad he’s got it for Amara and Dean’s answer ends the episode.

Dean: “Standing here right now? Every bone in my body wants to run her through. Send her back to that hole she crawled out of. But when I’m near her, I don’t know, something happens. I can’t explain it. But to call it desire or love – it’s not that. I’m screwed, man. We want to kill the Darkness, we need to kill the Darkness and I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to you, you know, but when it comes down to it…..

Sam: “I got it, Dean.”

---

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The 100: 3x04 - “Watch the Thrones” Recap

Gasping, crying, and a really confused emoji would probably sum up my thoughts on this episode (sometimes my emotions form to suit emojis instead of the other way around, I'm working on it). So many storylines, new characters on top of the old ones that we don’t even get to see anymore, and not enough sense. Let’s get down to it.

The episode starts with Nia (the Ice Queen) getting marched into this government building I still don’t think has gotten a name, to appear before Lexa. She's looking slightly less like an elf so that’s nice.

It was a bit of an anti-climax to see her already arrested, I thought there was going to be more fanfair about catching her, but whatever. This show already has too little time to pay attention to its characters apparently, I guess we don’t need more time wasted.

BUT THEN it turns out that the climax is that Nia is holding a coup! I think coups are awesome, ngl. They always make my blood run cold, regardless if the side I'm on is winning or losing. It just creates such high suspense and thus is great storytelling.

Remember those guys who pretended they had no questions last time? THEY LIED.

Oh and there are women, too! Specifically this Asian lady from the previous episode that I knew was foregrounded too much in the background:

Clarke tries to protect Lexa by voting against Nia’s takeover but it fails spectacularly because no one recognises Skaikru as the 13th clan. This makes me question Lexa’s entire plan – it has literally crumbled the very next day. If on every important decision the other clans are just gonna disregard the 13th vote, then what's the use of this? Then again, maybe Lexa will just dropkick the naysayers because Lexa.

It’s glossed over though, because Lexa knows Nia really wants her death to be the way she becomes Queen Commander. So she's like ‘Ugh, fine, let’s just get this over with, I’ll duel you’.

Apparently you can pick someone to duel for you, though, and Nia chooses Roan and I LOL because this lady literally couldn’t be a worse mom. It’s like, ‘50-50 chance of you dying, sure, I'm chilled with it’. Nia makes Abby look like Mother of the Year.

Guys I like Titus, he's like Lexa’s Mimi (you should be watching Telenovela).

But let’s get down to the most important thing about this scene: CLARKE’S EYEBROW.

Guys idk if I have a thing about eyebrows because personally mine always have to be literally perfect and I've been told I'm anal about this, but man Clarke’s left brow was looking savage right here, it was so distracting (especially because it was so different to the other one!).

Then we get this strange scene where it’s basically like a new Council?

It’s not made clear what's happening here, who these people are, or how they made it into this room. All that is made clear is that Pike is being a paranoid idiotic jerk. Even Abby is like ‘Let’s trust Lexa’. And, while trusting Lexa is the worst possible thing anyone can do usually, this time she's right because Pike’s plan is actually worse.

Ugh this guy is also such a mansplainer. Kane then backs wifey up because that is his duty.

I LOL when Abby says that tomorrow Pike will be Kane’s problem – literally everyone with a brain hates this guy. Also, did anyone else find it weird that Abby was so sure Kane would win the vote for Chancellor? Like, she's an excellent and determined doctor, I would think that most of the people on the Ground should love her for saving them or someone they know. Are we thinking Abby has terrible bedside manner and she knows it? I think Abby probably has terrible bedside manner.

Then: BELLAMY!!!!!

I screamed that at my TV because look at that misguided broken puppy. I actually have nothing else to say.

Puppy.

Puppy.

Puppy that needs the world’s protection.

Puppy that deserves more, and everything in the world.

Kane puts on his best Kallemy game-face and tries to convince Bellamy that Gina’s death wasn’t his fault and they should place the blame in the correct place – the Ice Nation. But Bellamy counters with the fact that he's the one who told Gina to stay there.

Yeah, I can't even make a joke out of it. This broke my heart into tiny little pieces that are at the bottom of my garbage disposal.

Bellamy then resigns from being a guard and I'm thinking this makes a lot of sense and will hopefully be good for him. We know from a certain dude called Finn that heartbreak and guns is a combination you never want. Unfortunately Bellamy doesn’t go off for a spa day or even to sob curled up on his bed, but that’s a sigh for later.

Then we find out that there's a Memorial thingy for those who died at Mount Weather and that all the guards are suddenly super racist/xenophobic.

Jasper makes a terrific point (I know, I can't quite believe I just typed that, either) that there should’ve been a memorial for Mount Weather a long time ago. Yet another reason Clarke shouldn’t have left, I'm sure that’s something her and Bellamy would’ve arranged.

Then he and Monty sneak off and ugh why do I have to deal with this plot.

Lexa is on her throne teaching kids and she looks really adorable doing it, but it’s also vaguely terrifying?? Like, this lady should not be in charge of kids ever. What class is this, Betrayal 101? Lexa has a doctorate, so it would make sense.

Poor kids. Also, only one of them eventually becomes the Commander so I immediately feel bad for the rest of them because this will be that awkward time on your résumé you don’t know whether to just leave blank or not. Personally I would not say I was trained by Heda Lexa because that would just make me seem super untrustworthy to all potential employers, maybe I'd rather say I was doing drugs for all of my pubescence. Stop Lexa from creating unemployment 2k16.

Clarke then comes in and throws a fit and I thought it was pretty hilariously sad that Clarke did not think Lexa could beat Roan. Like, I liked that she brought up what she’d seen of him fighting those Icers (although really, she was running away, so how much could she have seen?), but tbh this is the Commander, surely she can fight?? I mean there's worrying for someone you care about and then there's just straight up doubting their abilities and that was Clarke this whole episode – Doubting Debbie.

Ok look at this cutie:

His name is Aden and he is likely next up for the throne so Lexa gives him a little pop quiz that is basically ‘Will you kill all the Sky People?’. I LOLed because honestly, who would give the wrong answer to that question to Lexa and right in front of Clarke?? Still, Aden is like ‘Nope’ and ugh I melt. He's such a cutie I'm sad that Lexa has to die in order for him to ever become a bigger character.

Then Clarke gets all indignant like I WILL NOT ANSWER TO A CHILD and I just pause to laugh for a few minutes. A) This is exactly what Abby said last season. B) You literally order your mother around all the time. C) He's maybe five years younger than you!!

Lexa was acting really weird in this scene imo. Idk if the actress was just thinking about lunch or something, but there was more on her face than just worrying about the upcoming fight. Possibly she was disturbed by Doubting Debbie, but this is Lexa so it could also be her plotting a betrayal. I bet at night she dreams of betraying everyone she knows.

In a non-twist that everybody expected, Roan is still smoking hot.

He also still hates his mom and it truly makes me giggle how surprised she seems about it all – YOU’VE SENT HIM TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR YOU, LADY!

Also we find out Roan is a lefty.

That’s probably not vital information, but in this show you never know what does and doesn’t exist anymore. For example, the Ark people all only have O Neg blood and this episode says black blood is a thing that apparently exists now. Stocktaking is important on The 100.

Then Roarke have a scene to remind us that their chemistry is still on FYRE.

Clarke proposes basically the same thing to Roan that he did to her last week, minus the mansplaining: she wants him to be overthrow his mom and be king.

Basically the important thing about this scene is that Clarke was more of a Doubting Debbie, trying anything to get Lexa out of this fight, but Roan says only Clarke can kill his momz because his people wouldn’t accept him if he did it.

Look at this puppy:

He goes up to say something about Gina and it’s only three short sentences long, which is a bit funny to me because it symbolises how little we all knew about her, but diegetically it’s to show how pained Bellamy is, so it also hurts. Anyway, Bellamy literally says “She deserved better” and I think the writers of the show have become too self-aware because are they talking to themselves? Yes, Gina did deserve better, but from the writers, not from Bellamy.

Lincoln is wearing the Guard jacket again, which confuses me because when did that happen, but whatever, someone else is looking formal too:

Can we talk about how FLOTUS Abby looks here??

Although… do you guys think FLOTUS is kind of like a curse word now since it’s basically the equivalent of fuckus phonetically? Idk. Luckily there is no USA anymore so technically Abby is FLOA (First Lady of Arkadia) – or will be tomorrow, in that vote she's sure Kane’s going to win because she's the opposite of Clarke this episode.

Pike reminds us he's the worst character:

What happens is this: Lexa sent an army of 300 to protect Arkadia should it be attacked by the Ice Nation. It’s explicitly stated that this is Indra’s army, meaning Trikru. Pike takes this to be a threat. Now, you may be confused because literally nothing I just said makes you think of anything threatening (esp Indra, who is rainbows and butterflies and, ugh, for some reason not in this episode), but you are not alone, because that was my exact reaction.

He literally says they don’t need Indra’s army because they will defend themselves and I looked at my screen with that emoji that only has straight lines for all of its features – YOU MEAN LIKE YOU DEFENDED YOURSELVES YESTERDAY???

I don’t understand this character at all. As I've pointed out before, yes, I understand where he's coming from. In his mind Grounders are evil and have attacked him and killed all his friends. BUT the thing is, there is literally no way for him to win?? Think back to Season 1 and how one of the first things Clarke/Finn did was to try and make peace (with Anya, RIP) because that’s the only thing that makes sense.

The Grounders far outnumber the Sky People regardless of firearms. I bet if, halfway through the S1 finale, Anya had stopped the battle and gone up to Clarke and offered her a truce, Clarke would have taken it because it makes sense. And that’s before they actually saw the epic size of Lexa’s army (when Finn was killed). Like I can't reiterate this enough, there is no way for them to win. It’s peace or die fighting. And this idiot wants to die fighting.

Anyway then the worst thing in the world happens. I would like to introduce you to this guy:

His name is Dickface and I don’t think I've ever hated anyone on this show as much I hate Dickface. Watch what Dickface does (and yes, this is a memorial stone he uses):

When Dickface dies I'm going to first screenshot every bloody brutal moment of it and then I'm going to dance on his grave.

The only good thing that comes from this scene is that Bellamy immediately darts forth to avenge Lincoln because there is deep love between those two:

Then Pike is legit like ‘OH WHOAAAAA I didn’t mean get that mad, guys, reel it in’. Like wtf dude seriously. First you rile up everyone by saying all Grounders are bad then say this one dude is the exception. I'm so frustrated I can't even express my thoughts right now. Especially while this is happening:

Lincoln deserves better in every single way. I actually couldn’t stand this at all, it made me feel nauseous, primarily because of the real-world racist implications (revolting history of black men getting stoned to death) and also because Lincoln is the best. I also got so mad Octavia wasn’t there because she not only would’ve cut a bitch, she would’ve cut Dickface’s throat right out. Anyway she was there in spirit because Lincoln stands back up after reciting the line she told him last season:

Jasper hikes drunk, Monty continues being the concept of SMH personified and I laugh and laugh and laugh because I've realised we once again won't be getting any Jaha; this is truly the life.

^^^ No shade at The Originals ~whatsoever~. Ahem.

Also we find out Monty has amazing (and clean!) hands:

He finds ashes in Jasper’s pack and I'm like aww because I think it’s Maya (we never saw what happened to her body) but actually it turns out to be Finn and that is legit weird, Jasper please get a hold of yourself, it’s creeping us all out.

Then Abby sews up Lincoln’s wound while Lincoln is a sweet baby angel about not pressing charges against Dickface. Octavia runs in like WHAT HAPPENED and I'm side-eying her a bit. Where have you been this entire time?? Your brother was mourning his dead girlfriend, your boyfriend got thrown with a rock by a Dickface and you were off, what? Getting eyelash extensions? I don’t understand.

But anyway she's like ‘Kill Order’s gone, we’re outta here’ and I'm like ‘Yassss protect baby Lincoln’ but Lincoln is like ‘No I gotta stay’ and Octavia is like’??’ and I'm like ‘????’. It was not great. See, I understand why he wants to stay (he still sees himself as a symbol of the possibility of peace) and it’s incredibly noble, but ultimately useless. By being one of them he is no longer a Grounder; he's not even a symbol of a Grounder. He's a symbol that they can somehow ‘tame’ Grounders. And that disgusts me right along with all its historically racist implications.

Then Clarke goes to make a deal with Nia, who is such an assface hypocrite because she says she’ll accept Clarke’s vote if it goes her way. Ugh. Anyway the important thing about this scene was that Clarke was even more of a Doubting Debbie, trying anything to get Lexa out of this fight. She wants to poison Nia but this new chick called Ontari stops her and then Nia makes her bleed all over Clarke’s face.

Sigh.

Then Clarke goes to do some more doubting and sigh. Is it bad to just want to sigh perpetually when the main character of the show’s sole purpose for an entire episode is to worry about what's going to happen to a guest star?

Anyway. Lexa explains about the black blood: children found to have it are sent to Polis to be trained by the Commander in a group called the Nightbloods (geddit?) and one of them will take over when she dies.

Ontari being from the Ice Nation and an undeclared Nightblood means she poses a big threat for some reason that isn't really clear. How exactly does the Commander’s spirit choose its next body? How do the people know it’s legit and not just someone claiming power for themselves? If Lexa really believes her spirit will choose her new body, why is she concerned about it choosing Ontari? Clarke asks none of these questions because she knows this info is meant for a later episode wherein maybe she’ll be a main character again, but for now she is just Doubting Debbie.

A broken puppy who deserves better appears:

Pike goes to find Bellamy and, I shit you not, tells Bellamy that MW was his fault and I officially hate Pike just slightly less than Dickface. This is Bellamy’s face:

And it’s pretty much the last we see of Bellamy because Baloney Blake (thanks for that golden nugget of truth, Twitter) then steps in. In less than two minutes he's convinced by Pike that Grounders are all awful human beings, barely human beings even, and that they need to kill them all. Starting with the 300 people outside SENT TO PROTECT THEM. Baloney is like ‘Seems legit’.

Monty’s mom is creepin in the background and I'm all excited that she will try to get the real Bellamy back, because I've decided that what Bellamy really needs is a mom. Any mom, just a good one. Clarke is good for Bellamy, but she's very inconsistent in being there for him so I just want someone to be Bellamy’s adopted mom to hug him and tell him he's loved because I feel that’s what he really needs. Unfortunately, nope, that’s not what happens.

Pike asks Baloney to get his team guns and Baloney points out this is treason (TREASON!!!) and Pike is like ‘So?’. Gosh. I don’t even understand how Bellamy has access to guns when he has resigned but fine. Least nonsensical thing in this episode, probably. Especially when you consider that Baloney honestly thinks ten people with guns can kill 300 Grounder warriors, when in the S1 finale they were like 90 kids with maybe 20 guns and half of them died against maybe 150 Grounders. Sigh.

Anyway, they go along with this plan. Look, can I just say –  I'm not gonna harp on it because I like keeping this thing light, but as a human being I feel I have to say at least once that this storyline for Pike and Bellamy is incredibly problematic. Let’s not be coy about it: Pike is basically planning a genocide. He literally has said that anger is their policy and that every single Grounder is the problem, they're all the same person to him. Except for Lincoln, because he's been tamed (or, as it used to be called, enslaved). If that doesn’t sound like Hitler or every racist person ever then idk. And it makes me doubly uncomfortable because it feels like this show is saying LOOK, MEN OF COLOUR CAN DO IT TOO. He and Bellamy’s opposition is literally Kane and Abby (and earlier, the black guard up against Octavia), white people fighting for what is obviously the right thing. I just. I can't get on board with this.

Ok, let’s move on to something AWESOME.

Lexa and Roan face off and I legitimately have no idea what's gonna happen. I know neither of them are going to die but I know one of them needs to die, so I'm that monkey emoji with his hands over his eyes.

Clarke is there to be a Staring Stella.

The fight is incredibly even. Lexa gets the upper hand then Roan does then Lexa does then Roan does. Roan is above her and Lexa seems about to die when she does what dumb people in movies never do:

Then Lexa gets the upper hand again. Nia stands to tell Roan that he's disowned if he dies and I'm like ‘LOL great threat, truly’. I mean, even if he does win now, it would look like he only did it to remain a prince? But Roan gives no shits; he must be born-again because he's like ‘It’s cool I’ll be a prince in Heaven’.

So basically Lexa has him on his back (in a non-sexual way) with him telling her to finish him (in a non-sexual way) – but she's like ‘Nah’.

Guys I'm so happy about this, I hated Nia. I am kind of confused why they built up such an awesome lady just to kill her off in less than two episodes – I mean that’s even less than Gina got – but whatever. Common sense left the building the moment Baloney Blake happened anyway.

Also, Lexa is such a robot person that I'm genuinely wondering what she gets out of this. She's incredibly calculating and only really does things that benefit herself (and, occasionally, Clarke) so I'm wondering how keeping Roan alive and lording him as the new King helps her. Especially since she's once again betrayed her own people’s customs to do this.

Also, Aden is in this scene and looks legitimately pleased/relieved that Lexa is still alive/he doesn’t have to be Commander.

Ugh what a cutie.

Sigh. These idiots are stopped by Lincoln and his A+ squad, Harper and Munroe (I seriously love these ladies), but they're quickly won over by their ex-leader’s argument of ‘Haven’t I always done what's best for us?’. I just go UGGGGHHHH because ~any other day of the week~ I would’ve so been with them in trusting in him (Bellamy Blake could lead me to a cliff and I'd follow off), but today they missed out on the Baloney Blake memo and it’s unfortunate – they leave Lincoln all by himself.

WHERE'S OCTAVIA?? I swear. I mean at least she, unlike Raven, makes an appearance in this episode, but I just can't understand where the hell she is the whole time. Is she brushing the unicorn’s hair? Is she talking shit with Raven off-screen?? I don’t understand!! Literally all the people who could talk Baloney back to his Bellamy self are missing from his scenes this episode and it’s truly stupefying.

Anyway then Dickface points a gun at Lincoln and baby angel straight up hits him in the ball sack part of his face and holds him at knife point. Monty’s mom says “So much for the good Grounder” and screw you, Monty’s mom.

THEN OCTAVIA SHOWS UP and basically snarls at Baloney.

For his part he looks a little bit ashamed but I find it hard to feel sorry for him because I'd just like to know what exactly he was planning to do to Lincoln if he hadn't moved. Bellamy’s actions I can predict but Baloney is capable of anything. Ugh then Kane and Abby show up, which I'm annoyed about because it means Dickface stays alive.

Hey, remember last episode when the Ice Nation killed all Pike’s people in MW and how that’s what he's so butthurt about now? Remember how the Icer rep said “We did what Lexa was too weak to do”? Remember how Pike was there to hear that? And then here, I shit you not, he literally says the exact same thing except about Kane. I'm sorry dude but you have lost it.

Kane is so disappointed in Bellamy for being a part of all this and arming these assholes.

Kallemyyyy *sobbing profusely emoji*

Then Pike tells Kane to show everyone his Grounder Hickey, which I thought everyone knew about, but apparently not because there are ~whispers of scandal~.

Pike says that it’s like a farmer branding cattle and I'm like LOL what an outdated comparison (sidenote: what did they eat on the Ark? Were they all vegetarians? Was meat a total shock to their systems when they came down?) and ALSO this guy has seriously lost his marbles, geez. What next, no cars because there used to be car accidents (this would actually make more sense than Pike’s bullshit logic)??

Baloney then starts chanting for Pike and I want to vomit. There is literally nothing good about this storyline, what an utter crock of shit. Before this season, please point out to me even ~one~ time that Bellamy has been a blind follower of authority. And now suddenly he's a total sheep??

Then we get some Monty because, phew, one can only suffer for so long.

Monty points out that just because he isn't behaving like a jackass doesn’t mean he's not haunted by what he did at MW. He also says that he'd like his best friend back and Jasper gives me chills by saying “He died that day, too”.

Then Monty leaves and Jasper drops Finn and cries about the grossness of it all plus what his character has become and I'm right there with him.

Lexa stops by Clarke’s bedroom for no real reason but to show off how hot she is in her sleepwear and to say that she hearts her ambassadors who stabbed her in the back. Also Clarke is apparently the only semi-doctor in this place.

The way Lexa rules really scares me. She betrays everyone and appreciates people betraying her, as long as they were trying to do what was best for their people?? By this logic she will be GREAT friends with Pike.

It’s also heavily implied that this is supposed to be some awesome reason for Clarke excusing what Lexa did at MW and I'm screaming ‘FLOAT YOU, WRITERS’ at my screen. ‘What’s best for my people’ is a shitty shitty excuse and everyone who has seen Pike’s bullshit can attest to that. I bet Hitler thought he was doing what was best for his people, too. IS EARTH HISTORY NOT A SUBJECT TAUGHT ON EARTH OR THE ARK; WHAT IS HAPPENING???

My word. Then logic itself loses all definition because Pike gets elected Chancellor. A) Who put his name on the ballot?? Nobody else was around when Dickface suggested that and he was in jail all night. B) Why would Abby and Kane allow this? Why not call off the vote as soon as this truly terrifying thing became an option??? C) Who campaigned for him?? Keep in mind that this legit all occurred overnight. Mind = blown. By the same explosion that destroyed all the logic.

Anyway. Pike is Chancellor now. I never thought I'd say this but I miss Jaha as Chancellor. Sigh.

Pike’s first act is to pardon his band of murderers for their crimes and then he ~also~ refutes them being the thirteenth clan, so now that plan has failed backwards, forwards, and sideways twice in one episode. Wanheda bowing really solved ~everything~.

Moving on. Pike and the rest go off to finish their genocide and my Kallemy heart breaks once again when Kane tries to convince Baloney from following. He asks Baloney to choose the right side and Baloney says he has (Kane is 0 for 2 in convincing Bellamy of things this episode).

Sigh.

Look, there's been much debate about this storyline but let me just say this: I could’ve bought this. It’s true that Bellamy has never been besties with the Grounders and it’s true that he's impulsive and prone to reacting violently and in an awful place right now. But you simply ~cannot~ take a character from a real hero to a straight up villain in a single episode. It is just not done. When I go see a movie and the main character goes through something traumatic and does a total one-eighty, then changes back by the end of it, I accept it because I know there are only ninety minutes to tell the story. But when a show has 672 minutes and pulls this bullshit I can't swallow it.

A truly good writer can make me believe literally anything, but this storyline was not good writing. It wasn’t gradual, believable or earned. No, people don’t think rationally when they're grieving. But they also don’t just have a complete personality transplant within a day.

Bellamy was wronged, I personally was wronged because I love Bellamy, and also every character who would’ve talked Bellamy out of this bullshit decision but weren’t allowed to be present – they were wronged, too.

Next week I would like the real Bellamy Blake to please stand up and for something, anything, to make sense. Oh and if we can be blessed with even more Jaha absence, that would be great, too. Plus, enough Debbie and Stella – some Main Character Clarke PLZ.

—

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The X-Files: 10x04 - “Home Again” Recap

So this episode starts with all these poor homeless people getting fucking SuperSoaked into oblivion while some douchebag eats soup in front of them. OH but apparently they are trying to be “nice” and give them all homes in some shitty abandoned hospital? IDEK. But then this garbage truck pulls up AND SOMEONE FUCKING DIES. LIKE, THIS 10′ TALL BASKETBALL PLAYER CRAWLS OUT OF THE TRUCK AND RIPS A GUY’S ARMS CLEAN OFF:

SAVAGE.

Then everybody’s favorite agents show up to solve the case.

FUCKIN’ ACE. I can tell they made this shot specifically so they would have something to use in all their trailers, BUT STILL IT IS AWESOME. So they get right down to business - this pussy loser is like “wah waaaah you’re stepping on my toes here!” and Scully gives no fucks, she points out all their jurisdiction privileges and the guy is fucking pwnd. So they check out bloody footprints and a decapitated head in the garbage can. And just as Scully’s about to get her medical doctor hands dirty, her phone rings. 

She looks down and sees “William” as the caller, and this happens about 10 times throughout the rest of the episode so get used to it. Spoilers, it’s just her brother who also happens to be named William, AND THEIR MOM HAD A HEART ATTACK. HOLY SHIT. So Mulder TOUCHES HER ARM AND I DIE, and then Gillian puts on this super panicky camera rig and runs down some stairs to communicate how serious this is:

Mulder doesn’t give enough shits to run after her, so he just chills there to review the security cam footage and make sports jokes. He discovers that some graffiti was made OVERNIGHT so he’s like holy shit, it’s a clue. AND THEN HE FINDS A GROSS MUCOUSY BAND AID ON HIS SHOE. ALSO A CLUE.

Scully gets to the hospital and everyone has One Breath flashbacks, because poor Maggie Scully is fucking comatose and full of blue tubes. So she goes over to pet her poor unconscious head, and this nurse comes in like, “LOL your mom wants Charlie, not you.” And Scully’s like:

AND NOW SCULLY IS CRYING AS SHE STROKES HER MOM’S FACE, SHE’S LIKE “I KNOW YOU’RE LIKE ON YOUR WAY TO REUNITING WITH DADDEH BUT PLEASE STAY WITH ME, I HAVE AN ADORABLE TEAR ON MY NOSE HOW CAN YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON MY SALINE.”

Back in Wherever This Case Takes Place Town, Mulder happens upon this chick and dude yelling at each other about what to do with all these pain in the ass homeless people. And spoilers, these assholes get murdered in the next five minutes so we’re not gonna spend too much time on them.

HOWEVER, the relevant part of all of this is that while Mulder is mediating their bickering, this fucking 20′ tall graffiti literally VANISHES. These two bros stole it so they could make some fat stacks, but the joke’s on them because the paint DISAPPEARS and literally jumps off the canvas so it can fucking tear them apart. lol. Meet “Band-Aid Nose Man”, our season 10 MOTW who is basically Dexter, but for homeless people. 

Back at the hospital, Scully’s mom is still comatose and Dana is having all these flashbacks to all the times Mulder held her unconscious hand and was just fucking adorable in general. IT’S FINE, I JUST HAVE A BRANCH IN MY EYE. And then she goes through her mom’s bag of shit and finds like this quarter turned into a necklace?? And she’s like WHAT WHY DOES MY MOM WEAR CURRENCY ON HER NECK, THESE ARE THE REAL QUESTIONS.

And then her phone rings and it’s Bill, who is STILL not there and doesn’t seem to be in a fucking hurry to see his dying mom, but I’m not even surprised because he’s always been an asshole. And I’m just like “it’s good to see that YOU haven’t changed, it’s somewhat comforting”. Scully mentions that her mom wants to be kept on life support, but that same bitch nurse from earlier is like “SURPRISE SHE SIGNED A DNR WHEN U WEREN’T LOOKING TROLOLO”.

AND THEN MULDER SHOWS UP UNANNOUNCED, BECAUSE HIS LADY IS STRESSING AND HE’S LIKE A PERFECT ANGEL GENTLEMAN THAT WE ALL WANNA MARRY. I’M DYING. I’M DYING EVEN MORE THAN MAGGIE.

So they go in the hall to chat and Mulder is filling her in on the case (like she even gives a shit right now), and she’s just like “GOD Charlie is an asshole, why is he still the favorite?!” And then they pull the breathing tube out of her mom’s throat and she kills me with her patented Gillian Anderson Perfect Cries™, AND MULDER IS THERE TO CRADLE HER SAD FACE. I AM DYING, YOU GUYS THIS IS EVERYTHING I’VE DREAMED OF. Well almost everything - I REALLY WANTED A SEX SCENE THIS YEAR.

And then OMG:

Scully: Back in the day, did we ever come across the ability to just... wish someone back to life?

Mulder: I invented it. When you were in the hospital. Like this.

FUCKING STOP. STOP IT.

JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY, JESUS.

AND THEN FUCKING SHITSTAIN CHARLIE DECIDES THAT THIS EXACT SHIPPER MOMENT IS THE PERFECT TIME TO END HIS FAMILIAL HIATUS. FUCK YOU CHARLIE. So Scully puts the phone up to her mom’s ear, AND SHE WAKES UP - not to speak to her estranged son, but to fangirl over her son-in-law. She grabs Mulder’s hand and says “My son is named William too.” She’s a goddamn genius.

And then spoilers, she dies. :( :( :( :( :( R.I.P., MARGARET. 

Scully gets to cry for a whole two seconds before a commercial break comes along to completely ruin the gravitas of the situation.

When we return, these two dudebros are wheeling in this yellow death gurney and Scully starts flipping the fuck out “GET THAT OUT OF HERE”. Mulder GRABS HER EAR/NECK TO SHIELD HER FROM THE TRAVESTY, I NEED EMOTIONAL HELP:

AND THEN SHE CRIES INTO HIS TAUT PEC.

I’M GONE, FUCKING GONE. NOT EVEN SCULLY, A MEDICAL DOCTOR, COULD FIX MY FUCKED UP VITALS AND BRAIN, IT’S OVER.

And then she’s like, “Her last words to us were about our child...” and I still DO NOT KNOW how this baby was created and if TPTB would like to include that scene in their next flashback series, that would be GREAT. 

She insists on working fucking IMMEDIATELY, so they drive back to Philadelphia and start tracking the graffiti paint with their fancy new Googles. AND THEN SCULLY CHANNELS HER RECENT DEATH RAGE INTO AN EPIC TAKEDOWN. BEHOLD:

So they go to investigate this building or whatever, and Mulder is like “waaaaaah I don’t like stairs~~” and Scully’s like, “PUT YOUR FUCKING BIG BOY HEELS ON YOU PUSSY” because, you know, back in the day she used to do all this shit in elevated footwear like a badass. And Mulder’s like, “Back in the day? IS NOW.” AND IT’S SO FUCKING META.

They come across Band Aid Nose Man and chase him down this hall but surprise, he disappears. Instead they find an artist who is apparently his creator? SEE, BANM IS A TULPA OR SOME SHIT. Like some dude fucking made him through art and garbage, IDEK. So he’s talking about his process~ and Scully is blatantly ignoring him because she’s too busy thinking about William some more. And honestly, this shit better lead somewhere decent, because if you only get six new episodes and you spend half of them crying about a missing old baby for pretty much no reason, I’m so over this shit.

ANYWAY.

Scully’s all Judgy McJudgeFace about this guy and also herself - “If you created it, it’s your problem. You’re responsible, you put it out of sight so it wouldn’t be your problem but you’re responsible” or whatever, AND I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE “HAD TO” GIVE WILLIAM UP? Maybe it’s because I’ve only seen season 9 like once, but somebody please tell me how putting him up for adoption would stop the Syndicate or Super Soldiers or other smart, connected people from tracking him down.

In other news, all the homeless people are being bussed to the hospital, where BANM is waiting to murder the fucking suit that’s stomping on their rights. And they all know what’s up - they all disappear and lock themselves in their rooms at the same time, it’s creepy as hell. Corporate Asshole smells something raunch, and traces it to the basement, where he then finds some snotty, maggoty bread crumbs making a trail to his OWN DEATH - FUCKING RIPPED APART AND TOSSED IN A TRASH HEAP OF HIS OWN APPENDAGES.

But they don’t catch BANM, he just fucks off to go hide in some artwork somewhere, IDK.

MORE IMPORTANTLY THOUGH - Scully has Maggie’s ashes, and takes Mulder as her funeral date to scatter them in the water while Beyond the Sea plays in everyone’s hearts. AND THEY ARE DRESSED SO BEAUTIFUL AND FANCY AND CRYING, AND SCULLY’S LIKE, “I KNOW WHY HER LAST WORDS ARE SO FUCKED UP - SHE WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT WE WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE.” I’m pretty sure she was just fucking hallucinating and delirious, but you’re the doctor. 

And she’s talking about how they need to make sure he’s safe even if they can’t see him? I AM ASSUMING THIS WOULD BE PRETTY EASY FOR TWO FBI AGENTS TO FIGURE OUT, SO JUST FIND THE KID ALREADY SO WE CAN ALL MOVE ON. jk this scene is actually pretty sad and I feel bad making fun of it but this William shit has always been kind of ridic to me. BUT REALLY, GILLIAN IS FUCKING KILLING IT, MAKING ME TEAR UP WHICH IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE BECAUSE I HAVE A HEART OF STONE.

And she’s like, “I want to believe that we didn’t treat him like trash.” You didn’t!! WTH. And Mulder is just fucking silent this whole time, I don’t even know what he thinks but maybe he could like, reassure her that she didn’t literally throw her baby out with the bathwater, IDK JUST A THOUGHT. But he hugs her AND MAYBE THAT’S ENOUGH.

I certainly would have NO MORE PROBLEMS IN LIFE if Mulder just pulled me into his safe shoulder nook like so. WHAT A MAN.

—

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x11 - “Let Her Eat Cake” Recap

OK so you may remember the SHOCKING END to last week’s episode - Becca’s baby is black, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, Jake does not even have to take this bitch to Maury Povich when he gets back from Latvia. And Abby literally passes out because she’s so fucking butthurt that she’s invested all this time and emotion into A LYING WHORE. 

But I mainly just feel bad for all of her girlfriends, who have to sit and pretend to give a shit that Abby and ~Dr. Harris~ have fallen apart for the 50th time. They’re like “*gasp* oh no!! yeah what a dickwad!!” like they’re surprised. And then this boring doctor comes in and he’s basically like “REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES, EAT 10 FUCKING SANDWICHES ABBY, ONLY DOGS GO FOR BONES. EXHIBIT 1: DR HARRIS.” jk I really hate all that “real women” shit. Stop it, world.

They decide to throw a surprise bachelorette party for Delia, one last hurrah before her sham of a marriage completely ruins her life and spirit. BUT MORE ON THE PARTY LATER - Delia goes to work so she can volunteer to go to New York, even though New York is like a fucking ant farm to her but IT’S WHAT GORDON WANTS AND WHATEVER GORDON WANTS, GORDON GETS. THAT’S DELIA’S ONLY JOB NOW. Look, she just got new business cards:

Abby goes home and compares herself to Piper Chapman, because spending a day in the hospital is definitely the same as being trapped in prison with your crazy ex-girlfriend and a shitload of other scary bitches I would never in a million years mess with. Jo immediately tries to shove Oreos down her throat and Abby’s like “Cake first thing in the morning?!? That’s a little....” A LITTLE WHAT, BITCH. HDU BASH BREAKFAST CAKE. IT’S THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN I’LL EVER BE.

Then, in First World Problems: Act II, Abby starts freaking out that the photo on her new book jacket SHOWS ONE WHOLE WRINKLE. lmao it’s hilarious, I literally want to set this as my phone background just for the lulz:

And then she makes a very frantic to-do list, with item 1 being "unfriend Harris”, and I just hope she realizes that in the time it took her to open her note app and type “unfriend harris”, she could have just, you know, UNFRIENDED HARRIS. Like this is why you’re so stressed out - because you’re not fucking efficient.

Jo goes to bakery to flirt with Scott after their quality dry hump sesh the previous night, and she’s fucking DISMAYED to discover him flirting with some babe? YEAH, he’s totally using innocent pastries to compliment her tits and Jo’s just like:

So they decide to not make an issue out of the fact that they were about three steps away from getting (new) cum stains on Abby’s couch, but Jo freaks the fuck out anyway. And then later she comes home to Frumpkis snoring on her fucking couch because ~Charlene~ left him. AWWW, SUCKS TO SUCK, FRUMP! And then he cries into his ex wife’s shoulder like the little bitch that he is.

Phoebe and JD go meet with some snooty art dealer as the next step in his meteoric rise to porn-painting fame, but SURPRISE - JD turns into a total asshole because he’s insanely jealous of Ralf? So he takes all this shit out on Phoebe and she’s just like, “Fuck, where’s that social anxiety when I really need it.” But he ends up apologizing and dropping an L-bomb, so they kiss and make-up, whatever.

Abby prepares to tell the kids that Becca fucked Taye Diggs, and uses “birthday eating” (wtf is this) to soften the blow. So she presents these glorious mounds of whipped cream and cookies to the children, and just as they’re about to dig in she literally RIPS THE PLATES AWAY like “before you enjoy this 3k calorie confection, I have to crush your spirits...” So she gets all emotional but the kids literally do not even give a shit - Lilly’s just thrilled she doesn’t have to be an unpaid babysitter intern anymore and that she gets to take a break from her Tracy Anderson method DVD long enough to eat some chocolate like a normal 15 year old, and Bun Bun is just excited that he can show off his new “peen in vj” biology knowledge. High five, kid.

So Abby goes in the guest house to rage-pack all of Becca’s baby shit. BECAUSE CLEARLY JAKE IS IN LATVIA AND UNABLE TO DO ALL THE SHIT HE SHOULD BE DOING. OR MAYBE FUCKING TAYE DIGGS CAN COME AND PACK UP HIS BABY MAMA’S SHIT. WHY DOES ABBY HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. I’d probably just burn the shit if it were me, tbh.

That night, the girls put on some creepy masks that you see in every home invasion movie so they can kidnap Delia from work and whisk her away to a land of six-pack abs and gyrating meat sticks. She’s scared shitless at first, but then she’s like YASSSS.

So they go to a ~ladies club~ and drink fancy champagne courtesy of Gordon Beech and it’s literally the only nice thing he’s ever done for Delia in his life. And Abby’s such a fun drunk - she’s the type to call people on their shit when she’s wasted. It starts innocent enough - she’s like DELIA LIKES SHORT GUYS LOLOL but nobody really notices. THEN, she gets even MORE drunk and after showing off these impressive dance moves....

....she full on starts screaming about Delia’s affair. And Delia’s like HELL NO BITCH:

And Abby’s like:

So they all get kicked out lolllll. And then outside, Abby goes on a huge tirade about what a piece of shit Gordon is and I am like, THANK. FUCK. IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. And even though I THOUGHT Delia was smarter than the average bitch, she shoots the messenger and stands by her shitty man at the expense of a friendship. Well, there it goes - the last fuck I give. Enjoy your shittily obedient and selfish sham of a marriage. BYE.

So Abby goes home to eat her feelings, but her allegedly anorexic stomach is not trained for such an Olympic event. So she voms everywhere and she’s like “GODDAMN IT LILLY BE A *pukes* GOOD LITTLE GIRL AND HOLD MOMMY’S HAIR BACK.” And basically her whole life is a hot mess. And the next morning, she is going like a mile a minute I think she is LITERALLY ON DRUGS. Like this, for example - no one, NO ONE ON EARTH loves bagels as much as me and I’M not even this fucking excited/weird about them:

And then Albert goes to Delia’s house like “WTF, NY??” and gives her a fucking gavel? He’s trying to bribe her with a new judge promotion or some shit, but she’s not having it - she has to be an A+ wife, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS ANYMORE. And he’s like, “IS THAT SO? BE MINE, THEN. BE MY WIFE SO YOU CAN OBEY ME.” Basically. And then he kiss-rapes her so she has to literally push him off and out of her apartment. But I mean yeah, he’s a total prize, she’s nuts for passing him up.

AND THEN HOLY SHIT THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK = TOTAL SHITSHOW. GORDON DEF GETS FIANCE SEX PICS AND SCOTT ADMITS HIS LOVE FOR JO AND HER PASTRY BOX KSJDFASLKJA BIG WEEK AHEAD, KIDS.

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Supernatural: 11x12 - “Don’t You Forget About Me” Recap

Holy Jody Mills episode! Do yall love Jody as much as I do? Jody episodes always make me think about Bobby. Sad face. So, if you recall in previous episodes (Alex Annie Alexis Anne 9x19, Angel Heart 10x20) Jody became foster mom to two little shits. Alex, who was basically a Renfield, and Claire, Jimmy Novak’s daughter. This episode was pretty much about how kids have ruined Jody’s life. LOL. 

The episode’s opening scene shows two teenagers in Sioux Falls, South Dakota starting to do the nasty in the cab of a pick up truck (which is hard af, btw lol). The guy gets pulled out of the truck and Claire is holding a sword to his throat asking him what he is. He’s just like “Idk what you want me to say crazy bitch, just don’t kill me” lol.

Next scene, Sam and Dean are in the bunker and Dean gets a call from Claire tell them to get their cute butts to Sioux Falls.  

Now we’re at Alex’s high school and she’s walking around being a super cliché. She has a “popular” boyfriend Henry, is nominated for prom queen and has this witty banter with her favorite teacher, Mr. P. Whatever. Jody’s all smiling at her like she’s proud but secretly she’s thinking “YOU RUINED MY LIFE.” Especially after she sees birth control pills in Alex’s purse. Jody and Alex get home and see Baby in the front yard. Right away we see that Claire and Alex have a serious dislike for each other. Claire tells Jody that she called them about the “case” she’s been working. Jody is like 1000% done with Claire and thinks she’s imagining shit. Jody apologizes to the boys and basically tells them that they wasted their time coming out but HEY! YOU CAN STAY FOR DINNER.

Jody cooks the boys their first home cooked meal in literally years and they’re basically blowing their loads at the table rofl.

Dean: “You guys eat like this every day?”

Jody: “It’s just chicken.”

Sam: “It’s shaped like chicken. Not a patty or a nugget.”

They’re entirely too fucking cute but Claire is not here for any of it. She doesn’t care that the boys haven’t had real chicken in years lol. She starts telling them about the case and Jody is pretty much shooting her down. Apparently there were three people who went missing but there’s no evidence that they didn’t just leave town. At this point Jody and Alex are tag teaming her so Claire brings out the claws. She’s like “so, Alex, when are you and your boyfriend planning on going to Jody’s cabin to have hot, sweaty, premarital sex?” The boys are like “FUCK THIS, WE’RE OUT” and Jody’s like “fuck that, help me.” LOL. She doesn’t let the boys leave and goes into this awkward mom talk about safe sex. Sam and Dean are so uncomfortable, it’s hilarious.

Jody escapes to the kitchen and Dean follows. They have a heartfelt talk about how Claire is a serious c u next Tuesday. Dean sends Sam to talk to her; blah blah blah. What’s more important is that Mr. P, Alex’s favorite teacher, is found hanging upside down from the flag pole at their school the next day. Jody and the boys are there in their FBI garb talking about the case. Jody finds some strange fibers next to the body but Sam and Dean don’t recognize it. In case you were wondering, WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE HUNTING. Claire walks up and says out loud, not even attempting to whisper, “What do we got? Demons, ghost possession?” CHILLLLLL. Jody tells her she can’t be there and she says “Oh, but the fake FBI can?” Like this girl needs to be stopped. Dean drags her away using what I can only describe as his dad voice. And it is so hot. He misses out on a golden opportunity and says something “unnatural” is going on instead of “supernatural.” Whyyyy? He basically tells her that she needs to respect Jody and stop being a little shit. Alex and her creepy boyfriend are walking away as Claire and Dean are talking. Dean stops them and asks where they’re going and Alex says they’re going to “hang out” since school is canceled. Dead teacher and all ya know. Dean is so protective of Alex, it’s adorable.

Jody and Sam talk to the custodian at the school, Weiler, who is all too cavalier about finding someone hanging from a flag pole. They ask him for an alibi because of all of his suspiciousness and he says that he was passed out at “The Blind Donkey”? I can only assume that’s a bar lol. Dean catches up with Sam and tells him he searched the school for EMF, hex bags and sulfur and found nothing.

We cut to Alex and her boyfriend talking in the park… She’s telling him about how she’s such a bad person and has done awful things. Flash backs to her leading people to her vampire family for slaughter. The teen angst is killing me. I’m getting serious Twilight vibes from this scene. Idk if it’s the vampires or the teen angst or a mixture of both but omg.

Back at Jody’s house Dean and Jody have found out that the fibers they found at the crime scene was asbestos and Weiler’s alibi checked out buuuuut Sam tells them his social belongs to someone who died in 1988. Busted lol.

Claire: “And Weiler started at Marshall a few months ago, when the disappearances started. The ones I said were supernatural (YES!) in the first place.”

Jody: “Yes, we know. You keep reminding us.”

Claire insists on going with them to talk to Mr. Weiler again and I’m just like but? You went to school there? Won’t someone recognize you, dumbass? I cannot. Jody’s tells her that she isn’t going anywhere because they have to go speak with the registrar so Claire can go get re-enrolled in school. Claire is having none of this shit but one “dad face” from Dean and she’s like “fuck, whatever you say” lol. More proof that Dean is daddy. Jody and Claire go out to Jody’s truck and are attacked by Mr. Weiler who is…. A vampire! Finally! He fucks them both up while Sam and Dean are out looking for his house but, of course, he has a fake address on file. Jody manages to call Dean while she’s laying on the garage floor bleeding to death. The vampire douche bag comes back and kicks the phone away from her and I’m literally crying at the screen because poor Jody is getting her ass kicked.

Sam and Dean get back to Jody’s house but they’re gone already. Dean gets a phone call from the police station with more info on Mr. Weiler. They find out that his name is Richard Beesom, a trucker out of O’Neill, Nebraska who’s been missing for three years. Apparently, his family was found exsanguinated. Sam remembers that O’Neill is where Alex was from and they put it together that Beesom came looking for Alex. Dean calls Alex and tells her that he’s coming to get her. She tries to get out of her boyfriend’s truck and tell him that it isn’t safe for him and he needs to go. But, plot twist, he’s a vamp too! He had to be in on it, he was entirely too creepy.

Dean shows up to get Alex but she’s already gone with her evil vamp boyfriend. He calls Sam who found an old school map in the custodian’s office. It shows that there was building that used to be the pool on the school property. Apparently, it was shut down because it had asbestos (evidence and fibers and shit).

Now we’re at the old pool building and the camera pans to three bodies on the floor. The bodies that Jody said weren’t missing. *sips tea* Lol. Beesom has Jody and Claire tied up and Henry walks in dragging Alex along with him. Beesom strings her up and refreshes her memory because she doesn’t remember him. He tells her that he was one of the guys she led back to her vamp family except he was trying to help her. Someone was trying to take her home from a bar and this guy chased him off, gave her some money and told her he’d drive her home. Well, no good deed goes unpunished because she left him to get eaten. I’m a little unclear on how he got turned? But he did and went home and ate his family. His story was sad affff. But then he tells her how he wanted her to be happy before he killed her so he turned Henry and had him seduce her. What an asshole. He tells her how he’s going to kill everyone she loves; you know typical bad guy stuff. Claire says, “Check your intel, Alex hates me!” And then Alex offers to work for him, to lure humans back to his nest or let him feed off of her so he won’t kill Claire and Jody. SHE CARES! Buuuut he bites Claire anyway.

Sam sneaks into the room with a machete but Beesom is waiting for him and hits him with a sledge hammer. While Sam is getting his ass kicked by Henry the high school vampire, Beesom grabs his machete and is going to kill Alex when Claire gets up and stabs him in the back with a saw lol. Dean comes up behind her and cuts the vamp asshole’s head off, yes! Sam finally overpowers the high school vamp, puts him in front of Alex and tells her “he’s all yours.” The dumbass is like “should’ve tapped that when I had the chance.” She hits him with the right hook and Claire comes from behind with the machete to chop his head off. In this very moment they have made up after months of animosity. Alex gives Claire a very serious look and a slight head nod and you just know they’ve bonded over this guy’s beheading. #SISTERS4LIFE

Last scene, Jody comes into the kitchen on crutches (because the douchebag vampire broke her leg) and sees the girls making breakfast. Alex apologizes for the vampire attacking her and Claire because she feels like it was all her fault. Claire and Jody reassure her that she isn’t to blame.

Jody: “Alex, you were ready to give up your life for us. That’s goodness. And that’s what’s scary about family. It gives you so much to lose.”

I’m not gonna lie, I got a little teary eyed here. They might be ungrateful little shits but Jody loves them and its fucking sweet. Sam and Dean say goodbye to the girls; Claire is going to learn how to investigate from Jody so she doesn’t get herself killed, Alex is going to leave after she graduates high school because she doesn’t want to live in the life and Jody will be fine……. As long as everyone wears a condom!

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The 100: 3x03 - “Ye Who Enter Here” Recap

WHAAAAT?? What was that?? Are you alive? Am I alive? I think so but man I cannot say the same for almost 40 people in this show.. This episode blew my mind *no pun intended* I can't actually believe how much happened! Since there's so much to cover, let’s get right into it!

The episode starts with our fearless leader and a one week time jump. It’s practical because Clarke has had time to become less rabid and also Bellamy can walk again, things which are both crucial to the story moving forward (as nice as it would be to look at, I don’t think anyone wants the pain of watching Bellamy lie in a hospital bed every week). Additionally there's a Summit thingy that has been planned and it’s happening tonight (can anyone believe everything in this episode lasted only one day? I mean Clarke went through 3 outfit changes!).

Lexa wants a cookie or something idk for ‘saving’ Clarke and Clarke is like ‘I was doing just fine on my own?? You literally had me kidnapped and dragged through an Ice Nation army who wants me dead?? And got the guy I'm in love with Bellamy hurt??’. And then she delivers the biggest burn and I am on my feet cheering.

Lexa hilariously tells Clarke that she hates herself, not her, and Clarke is like ‘LOL I'm a multitasker bitch’.

Lexa then implies, right after SAYING SHE KNOWS CLARKE, that Clarke would’ve made the same deal she did. Now, look, Clarke has done some straight up brutal things to save her people but I don’t believe this for an instant. If only because Clarke is very logical when it comes to these things, right down to the numbers. When she closed the dropship door, half her people were inside whilst pretty much only Bellamy and Finn were outside. When she killed Finn it was because he was one man versus all of Camp Jaha against Lexa’s army. She never would’ve let those thousands of Grounders inside Mount Weather die so she could have her 48 back, and the fact that Lexa doesn’t know that speaks volumes.

Clarke has this A+ line: “Those deaths are on you, too. The only difference is you had no honour and I had no choice.”

Clarke then also points out that she was out of this entire thing; why can't everyone just leave her aloooone and Lexa is all “You can't run away from who you are” and then is like ‘But also I can't be feared enough without you’. My word, what a strange lady. She really could’ve at least tried to do this without Clarke (she isn't Arkadia’s Chancellor, after all), but I think she's just crushing on her too hard so she wants her involved, and it makes me wonder whether she has considered just actually wooing Clarke.

If they were together these things could’ve gone so much smoother but noooo Lexa would rather do this half-threatening half-kicked puppy heart eyes thing (in addition to all the betraying). Kabby in this episode is a prime example of what I'm talking about, but we've got a ways to go before we get to that epicness.

Lexa tells Clarke she must bow before her and Clarke tells her to go float herself and LOL this show is really pushing how much that can serve as an alternative for an expletive, because Lexa probs doesn’t even know what that meant.

Although… do you think the word fuck actually became extinct?? I suppose it’s a possibility, but I can't imagine anyone on the Ark stepping on a Lego and going FLOAT. And “I want to float you” seems even less romantic (and vaguely terrifying!) than its alternative.

Can we have Niylah back?

Clarke also points out that she knows she made Lexa look weak at Mount Weather and I'm sighing so hard. So if Lexa had stuck with Clarke and turned down MW’s deal, she would’ve looked weak because of sticking with Clarke for love instead of putting her people first. But because she did save her people, she forewent a battle, which still made her look weak??  The 100 is really accurate about how it portrays a women’s life. There is literally no right or un-weak way to do anything.

So then Lexa strides into a meeting with the leaders of the 12 clans and they all bow before her, but you know there's one guy who always has to be THAT DUDE and this guy decides to take it upon himself:

Even INDRA is like ‘OMG who talks back to the Commander??’ (she does it alllll the time, but only in private, okay).

Lexa is super chilled about it but then he gets even more disrespectful. I roll my eyes and say “Ugh, kill him” but I needn’t have bothered because Lexa is, after all, the lady who replied, when Clarke last season said that she couldn’t just kill everyone she didn’t trust: “Yes, I can”. This guy knows what I mean:

Ha, guys, this was truly awesome. I watched it four times. Then Lexa is legit like:

These guys made me LOL:

Then Kane and Abby have a couples fight and you should all feel bad for watching this, it was a private moment between a husband and a wife!

Does anyone else think Kane has gotten too hairy? Like idk the beard was fine for me for a while but then his hair was pushed back and now it’s just all a bit much. Bruh, Abby’s brows are still on fleek so you can pick up a razor.

Anyway, this scene makes clear that it’s common knowledge Lexa has Clarke (I really wanna know how they communicated about all this and the Summit. Carrier pigeon?). Kane speaks of it and in true Momma With a Boyfriend fashion she's like DON’T TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER. But it’s fine, they kiss and make up.

But fo real though, Kane puts his hand on her shoulder and she puts hers over it and I'm like IS THIS CONFIRMATION THAT THEY'RE A THING?? I'D LIKE SOMETHING MORE EXPLICIT PLEASE.

Bellamy tells his girlfriend that Kane has left him behind to teach him a lesson and imo she knows exactly what that lesson is.

Then there's this really awkward scene where Raven tells Bellamy’s girlfriend a story about how she once went rogue and Bellamy’s girlfriend is all shading her for doing so while Bellamy is just like:

Then this creepfest happens:

It was eerie the first time we saw people down here and it was doubly so, now. Like, the last time people sat in those chairs they were burned to a radiated crisp? What did you even do with them? Did you move their bodies and wipe the burnt hair off your chair before sitting down for a slice of toast??

And then ugh, this guy.

His smugness pains me. I'm not sure even indra could make him bearable at this point.

Octavia is like ‘I'm outta here you freaks’ and for the first time this season I'm totally with her.

I must say this show has made me realise how important cleanliness is to me when it comes to hotness because JUST LOOK HOW SEXY ROAN IS CLEAN!!

I think it’s the hair too, but man, Roan is hot. And he's also wearing this top so I'm not sure what actually happened in this scene:

JK JK. Roan is all butthurt for his own dumbness so he wants Clarke to kill Lexa, basically. Clarke points out the obvious – that puts the Ice Queen in charge, who wants to kill her. Roan sidesteps this by saying Lexa has been whispering poison into Clarke’s ear about his mom. Unfortunately this doesn’t hold up for 2 reasons: 1) YOU YOURSELF WOULD RATHER BE UNDER LEXA’S RULE THAN YOUR MOM’S and 2) You aren't actually promising that your mom still won't kill Wanheda.

She's all like ‘Nope’ and he's all ‘I AM MANSPLAINING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR PEOPLE LISTEN UP’. So yeah, I don’t trust Roan because of this but I'm also not 100% ruling out that Lexa has lied to Clarke about the Ice Queen in some way because I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her either.

Bellamy and Clarke have a heart to heart and she lets slip that as soon as the Kill Order is off Lincoln’s head, she plans to leave. Bellamy is hurt but she explains that she doesn’t fit in anywhere because she's a fake Grounder.

Because Bellamy is an A+ brother and human in general, he says “You need to leave, I get that. But you'll always fit in with me” and this happens:

I love these two.

Then two guys come along dragging Echo and I'm like “ECHO!!” and Bellamy is like “Echo!” and Echo is like “Bellamy!” and I'm totally relating to Echo because who wouldn’t shout for joy when they see Bellamy Blake. I bet even his enemies are happy because yes they're about to die but it’s kind of an honour to be killed by such a gorgeous specimen of man, isn't it?

Bellamy says Echo is Ice Nation and I am frowning the hell out of this. When did he find this out?? We don’t even know. Anyway I suppose it makes sense now because that means MW did in fact nab Icers too.  Then Echo says that the Summit is a trap and there's an assassin and Bellamy reasonably believes her because of the connection they'd forged in MW.

Can we all just take a moment to admire Raven’s brows because damn.

Whoever is in charge of waxing in Arkadia is doing a damn fine job can we have a spinoff with them as the lead please.

But anyway, we then get back to Echo and her explanation. I don’t trust her, if only because her story has several holes. Number one being how she doesn’t mention how one dude is going to kill all the Sky people plus all Lexa’s people?? And even if he's only going to kill one, who is it??

I mean I guess the assumption is Clarke, but this whole thing is fishy to me. The Ice Nation has proved time and time again to be untrustworthy, from their people trying to kill Roan (their prince!!) to Roan killing them and being under Lexa’s command, to him mansplaining at Clarke. They should be called the Lies Nation imo.

Then these idiots think missiles is the best way to solve this problem.

Like, you know it’s one assassin dude, right?? And you know a missile will take out an entire village, right?? And you know ~your people~ who you are trying to ~save~ are in that village, right?? Idk what's going on in their minds but I think this is foreshadowing of what an utter illogical idiot Pike will turn out to be.

Then we get this again.

Then they kiss again and while Bellamy is adorable with a girlfriend I'm also like UGH am I gonna have to watch a Dis Bitch kiss every time Bellamy goes off to do anything?? Spoiler: I will not.

Then Assassin Guy begins to summon a demon:

After which we find out Polis is freakin thriving! Like they have a fresh produce market and everything! A woman offers Abby some gross slimy thing and she's like ‘I had a big lunch’ but Kane takes it because Kane is so hot for Grounders peace. Also, Kane is now also ~fluent~ in Grounder!

We find out Kane is a TOTAL CUTIE when he makes these faces:

He is so busy being hot for everything Grounder that he totally doesn’t notice it but I think we alllll notice how hot Abby is for ~him~.

Then they have this random little debate about which of them should be Chancellor and pass the pin around a whole bunch and I'm like YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED NOW YOU’VE SAID YOUR VOWS AND PASSED THE RING SHUT UP AND KISS.

Then they touch yet again (after he tells her they are in this together) because this episode won't be satisfied with anything but every viewer being Kabby trash.

BUT THEN SOMETHING SO CRAZY HAPPENS. There's chemistry between Kane and Indra??? Guys I am so confused. All I know is that Kane calls her “my friend” and she smiles like this:

Now, look, I've been here for Kabby since Day 1, but Indra smiling at anyone like that is bound to make me ship it just a little, ok? Don’t judge me, I can't help how much I love Indra.

And then to top it all off she totally gives Abby the BITCH STEP OFF face:

But then I’m back to Kabby trash when Kane touches Abby again.

Haha so then some kid hits Lexa while they're practice fighting and I legit LOL because I think he's totally gonna be dead by the end of the episode.

He isn't but I wouldn’t put it past Lexa to have him killed in the next one, because you know her. Anyway he gets a name, it’s Aidan. Hi, Aidan, you're the first kid on this show to get a name, congratulations (you also got one before Bellamy’s girlfriend, who has been here 5 times as long as you have). 

 This guy ships Clexa so hard, he's like ‘You ~looooove~ her’. His name is Titus, btw, and he's like a professional Second to Commanders? Idk. The important thing is that Lexa is his fave because she's badass. Fair enough.

THEN BELLAMY’S GIRLFRIEND FINALLY GETS A NAME.

It’s great, you guys. No, her name isn’t Great, her name is Gina. Although she proves those two to be synonyms before the episode is finished.

Anyway, it’s really funny how they just begin throwing it around as if it’s information we all knew before.

Ugh then this guy.

I don’t understand why they brought him or why he's in charge of anything? As far as I can tell, Bellamy is third in command but whatever. The real issue here is Miss Lies Nation who is acting shady as shit.

Then Clarke puts a knife to Lexa’s throat because who wouldn’t and also it’s about time tbh. But I don’t think any one of us expects her to go through with it because it’s not the most prudent thing to do right now and also she really does care for her.

Can we have Niylah back?

THEN LEXA FINALLY FREAKING APOLOGISES.

Fo real, lady, it’s about bloody time. Anyway then Clarke says she has an idea and I'm getting all excited because Clarke’s plans are always the best but I'm disappointed because she has no plan?? Her plan is literally Lexa’s plan wtf.

Then Clarke meets up with her mom and step-dad and Abby is all weird like “Let me look at you”. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Clarke explains that Lexa’s life is in danger and Abby is like ‘So?’ and I'm like “Abby do you even go here??”. Like seriously, where was she last season when it was being made expressly clear that there is no alliance without Lexa??

Clarke then breaks the news of Lexa wanting them to be the 13th clan and Kane is literally blown away:

Abby immediately is like:

See, this is what I'm talking about. It really doesn’t matter which of them is the Chancellor because they're a team. Tbh they should just be King and Queen together.

Abby wants to know how this changes anything and Clarke finally owns it.

Then Clarke makes an entrance like the BAMF she is and she looks STUNNING in her Wanheda Clarke getup, like damn:

But then I see Lexa is wearing a dress too and Clarke looks like she's walking down an aisle to musical accompaniment and I flash back to that awful contrivance on Arrow when Nyssa had to marry Oliver and I'm like ‘What is going on here?? Clarke, this better not be your plan!’.

But nah Clarke has no plan, they're just dressed up for the lulz.

Lexa is so hot for Wanheda Clarke.

Then Team Assassinate the Assassin is inside this building and Pike and Bellamy go off and kill the two guys operating the elevator. That’s just rude in my opinion but whatever. Octavia doesn’t let it go though and they have an argument with very little substance.

It was a good conversation, lots of great points were made.

The tussle disturbed Bellamy’s wound though so I take his side because I WILL NOT STAND FOR BABY ANGEL IN PAIN.

But then it becomes worse because he has to climb up this ladder and my soul legit hurts for this poor guy who will literally do anything to get to Clarke.

Clarke bows so everyone bows too and damn Roan is still so hot geez someone stop him.

The Sky People bow last and I have a little giggle because how awkward must it be to bow to your own daughter? Because yeah, Clarke bowed to Lexa but everyone after that then bowed to her and Lexa.

Also, Wanheda Clarke is hot as hell good grief look at that hair and makeup.

Lexa announces her 13th clan plan and the other leaders are all like:

Haha. Then Lexa announces there's some mark that the leader must get to show you're part of the Coalition.

Kane gets branded right before Bellamy bursts in and Clarke is like “Bellamy?!” and Lexa is like ‘Bellamy??!’ and I'm like hehehehe.

Bellamy says “I HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE” and I collapse into a puddle for a little while before I am able to resume watching.

Haha this guy protests Bellamy’s announcement that the Lies Nation is gonna kill them all and I'm just laughing so hard because bro you do know what happened to your predecessor, right? Also, they replaced him in AN AFTERNOON?? Cold. I guess that’s why they're the ~Ice~ Nation.

Then they realise Echo is missing and I'm like ~le sigh~. I really liked her and Bellamy’s friendship so this was one time I was not happy to be right.

BUT it gets even worse – the assassin is in MOUNT WEATHER, not Polis!!

I'm immediately screeching because Gina is the only one alone so I know he's gonna go there and ugh this is awful I feel awful for Bellamy and also for Bellarke because lbr you never want your opposing love interest to have been a martyr.

Anyway we move on to this awesome scene wherein Sinclair convinces Raven that she should get the surgery and let Abby fix her. Raven, crying, says “What if she can't? What if I'm just broken?” and I scream RAVEN YOU ARE PERF NOT BROKEN at my TV. Sinclair is like ‘Girrrl I am a part of the Raven Reyes stan club please also take out a membership’.

HOLY HELL then Gina literally gets murdered like she's in a Scream movie??

Like the guy looked like he was wearing that mask and he stabbed her right in the stomach, the allusion was there.

He goes on to type in the self-destruct code for Mount Weather while Gina stares as she bleeds out. He leaves and Gina immediately gets on her radio to tell Raven what's going on. This really made me actually love Gina. Like, she legit was so helpful? Women in action movies are always so dumb and waffle on but nah Gina is like ‘This is who did it, this is how he did it; the place is gonna blow’.

Then I LOL because Sinclair chases after the assassin. Like bro, I have never seen you fight and also you don’t even have a gun on you, what are you doing. Raven goes after them as she and Gina Die Hard it out.

Sincerely, at this point I really didn’t want Gina to die. She was just so awesome, genuinely wanting to selflessly help everyone out. She was dying and she knew it but she didn’t even say anything to say to Bellamy, ya know? She just wanted to save everyone, that was her main concern. That to me was very Clarke Griffin of her.

Sinclair fights with Assassin Guy and loses in five seconds but luckily Raven shows up:

Has Raven straight up shot someone before? Idk but this is definitely the first time she's used a handgun and she was awesome at it.

She's all business, immediately getting to the numbers on the guy’s arm that will undo the self-destruct mode, but when she radios back to Gina we see this:

RIP Gina. You were truly awesome. I'm sorry you had to die so quick and just when I realised how much I could like you.

This was a truly fantastic shot:

Raven tries to go back in but it’s too late.

Yip. This show just went there. Again. And then had no sympathy for me sitting there slack-jawed – it barrelled right into more crazy:

But Bellamy’s actions are justified by Raven’s gut-wrenching voice over the radio, telling him and everyone else that his girlfriend and, well, everyone else, is dead. She sobs and it echoes around the room, shaming absolutely everyone.

It’s truly a fantastic scene.

Replacement Icer is all like ‘LIES NATION RULES LEXA DROOLS’ and I'm like lol dude you're so dead.

But Lexa puts off his death, having him and Roan arrested in the meanwhile instead because they are all now in WAR MODE.

Indra talks to Octavia and it’s great, I'm so here for this friendship to start back up again.

Then we get this image and I have to admit it’s pretty cool.

At the same time, I don’t think it’s by accident how similar they look. Clarke may be heading down a dangerous path again by standing by Lexa’s side once again. This guy knows what I mean:

Haha I shit you not, Bellamy and Lexa have an argument about who will care for Clarke better. Like, you guys, usually I hate love triangles and think all evil on earth is related to them, but this one is sort of refreshing because it’s so hilarious how Clarke doesn’t even know she's in the middle of one?? She's just like LA LALA LA POLITICS.

For everyone thinking Clarke has forgiven Lexa though – nope. She tells her mom in so many words that she doesn’t trust Lexa and that’s why she has to stay. Kane tells her to stay safe because step-dad. They then leave the room and I'm like HAHAHAHA HOW DO YOU PLAN ON LEAVING, THEY KILLED THE ELEVATOR OPERATORS. Then the episode is like HAHAHAHA YOU MAKE FUN OF MY LOGIC NOW I WILL KILL YOU WITH ANGST.

Clarke is such a cold bitch here?? She could’ve literally thrown Bellamy any bone (and personally I would’ve liked a thank you for him almost getting killed saving her) and he would’ve taken it, but nah she's just like ‘I'm sorry byyyyye’.

She does seem super affected afterwards though so the one thing I imagine could’ve made her be that cold is that she may have been terrified by how much she didn’t want Bellamy to die in the last episode?

I don’t think she realised how much she cared for him up until then and how much of a weakness he is to her. Remember last season when she sent him into MW saying that she was in love with him being weak? I think this this might be that again, her sending him away so she can be strong. Unfortunately I feel like this may end up blowing up in her face because now Bellamy is angry and plus Roan still knows how much she cares for him. Ugh why are my faves always in danger.

Lexa promises she won't betray Clarke again then does this:

It’s actually really epic since Lexa has been bowed to by everyone else this entire episode and we haven’t seen her bow before. In fact earlier Titus literally said “The Commander bows before no one”. She also legit swears fealty to Clarke (did this give anyone else flashbacks to sexy Jamie Fraser saying this in his sexy accent?? #Outlander #makeitcomebackalready) and I'm screaming MAKE HER KISS THE RING MAKE HER KISS THE RING because I am a barbarian.

Unfortunately, while it’s all very sincere, it also is taken away from a little by the fact that it’s all done while they are alone. While I see why she can't do it in front of others (that would only give Wanheda more perceived power), it also means that the only weight this carries is on Clarke’s heart. There is no one to hold her to this if she betrays Clarke again but ugh Clarke seems to believe her.

Then Echo gets to the Lies Nation and is all like ‘My queen, I betrayed everyone for you’. The Queen legit looks like an elf btw:

So I'm laughing until we find out why Assassin Guy knew about the self-destruct and what the code was:

So Echo not only betrayed the guy who saved her life, but also did it using one of the people who bled her? AND she did it all so the Queen could have the war she wanted?? Damn this really is the Lies Nation.

Wowza. What an episode. I don’t even know what I want from next week. Now may be the time for that rockin Kabby kiss from the trailer though, since my Bellarke heart is convulsing and bleeding at my feet. I'm not even gonna pray for Bellamy Blake because I know he is gonna be messed up beyond repair and I cannot blame him.

Btw. Legit only an hour after finishing this episode did I realise that there had been absolutely no Jaha in it. First I spent five minutes laughing about how unmissable he is and then I literally said OH THAT’S WHY IT WAS PARTICULARLY AMAZING. Idk why that plot still exists, guys. Oh, and no Jasper. We were truly blessed this week.

—

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce - 2x10: “Rule #36 - If You Can’t Stand the Heat, You’re Cooked” (lol what) Recap

This title reminds me of the time I got really high at a bonfire and I was sitting too close and my legs started burning, and I was like, “Wow now I know exactly how it feels to be food” and it was really trippy. ANYWAY. This episode starts with Abby at a meeting with some lady I recognize but I don’t remember who she is. OH it’s her editor I think. And she thinks her new book draft is KIND of good, but not gr8.

(Shoutout to Lisa E’s RL husband chillin in the background)

And now Phoebe’s new boyfriend is drawing her naked and I ALREADY LAMENTED THIS ON TWITTER BUT I LITERALLY HAVE NO NUDE DRAWINGS OF MYSELF CREATED BY SEXUAL CONQUESTS. THIS SEEMS LIKE A CRIMINAL INJUSTICE. Adding to my goals for 2016, amended as follows: do an unassisted pull-up lol just one, be able to lay flat in a pike stretch, make more money than I did last year, get drawn naked. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH. Phoebe gets a text from ~Ralf~ that he’s coming to pick up their non-existent children who we literally never see. Even though new boyfriend has allegedly met them already.

So Ralf meets Anxiety Boyfriend and it’s really awkward omg I’m crying. And Ralf feels bad for him so he offers to come look at his art. And he gets him an art show!! WHAT A GENTLEMAN. 

Meanwhile, Abby is running all around town getting special diva vitamins for her ex-husband’s baby incubator, and then buying these expensive green baby pants that will just get ruined with shit anyway. I would say that all of this is Jake’s job but OH WAIT, I THINK HE MUST BE IN LATVIA? Yeah.

lol and then she says that her editor wants her to write more about the Dr. Harris drams, and anyone who’s been paying attention knows HE’S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE who is just using her for pussy and pretty much nothing else. So all the girls are whining about his lack of commitment to monogamy and Abby’s like, “He hasn’t even met my kids yet! I shouldn’t even talk to him about monogamy until he sees all the amazingness in my life.” OH, you mean violent invisible friends and vodka-soaked tampons? YES, PUT A RING ON IT IMMEDIATELY. And then she bails on her friends to check on Becca - MORE AMAZINGNESS. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION DR. HARRIS.

So she calls him to invite him to JD’s art show, and fails MISERABLY at giving no fucks. Like her insecurity is PALPABLE and Jo’s giving her shit the entire time, it’s hilarious. But he’s like “yes I would love to be judged by your friends... so long as we can go to Pound Town after the gallery since that’s pretty much all I’m interested in.” And then she has to leave to help Becca - AGAIN - so Jo’s finally like “cut the shit Abby are you trying to steal her baby.” And Abby’s like NO and then invents an “emotional bubble” to protect herself:

I reeeeally wanted to make a gif of this but my shit isn’t working, sorry.

And then she goes home to LITERALLY WAIT ON BECCA HAND AND FOOT (literally - taking her shoes off for her), like bitch can’t even get her own water OR HOLD HER OWN PUKE BUCKET FFS. And then she cries and reminds us all that Jake is in Latvia. Which is good, because I forgot. 

Gordon comes into the bedroom asking Delia, “Does anything seem OFF to you?” YES, YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING EXISTENCE. FUCKING DIE AND DECAY ALREADY, JESUS. But apparently he’s just talking about his dress shirt with an upside down pocket. This is what happens when you fucking hire IDIOTS because they’re cheaper than competent people, which I’m sure is exactly what you did you greedy moron. Delia steps up to the wifey plate and offers to suck some dick to make up for his work failure. Gross.

Jo’s accented baker whose name I still don’t know (I just looked it up, it’s Scott), decides to make her some coffee when she shows up for work and she’s basically like “HOW DARE YOU YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE”. And then he’s like, “WELL FUCK YOU FOR GIVING AWAY OUR PASTRIES TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR FREE!!” fucking EAT me, asshole. And then they cause a scene in front of all their customers lmao.

JD and Phoebe are getting ready for the art show and Ralf gets jeal when he sees them kiss. Phoebe’s like “GREAT HOW’S CARLA.” LOL. Then, as Gordon and Delia are getting ready, he’s like “I have to go to NY tomorrow, you don’t mind if I skip tonight, do you?” YES!!! YES I FUCKING MIND!!! In the ENTIRE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING I’VE WANTED TO DO. Like I get that I fucked a short bald man BUT THERE ARE LIMITS TO MY GUILT.

So everyone shows up at Abby’s to pregame, including Dr. Fuckstain Harris, who monopolizes the conversation with tales of how fucking great he is to orphans in Ecuador or whatever. And then they ask JD about his art but he can’t carry a conversation for shit, so it’s just really awkward. “What’s your process?” Porn. I make porn art. That’s all he has to say but he can’t quite muster it and just starts screaming about how Delia is a lawyer.

Then Bun Bun comes screaming down the stairs and immediately clings to Abby’s leg, “I’M STARVING, FEED MEEEEEEE”, and Abby looks over her shoulder to make sure that Dr. Harris is witnessing all of this awesomeness.

And then the AC gives out lollll. Abby’s first thought is “OMG WHAT ABOUT BECCA?!?!?!?!” omg what ABOUT Becca! Fuck! I’m more worried about all of your expensive clothes that are going to get ruined by pit stains. PRIORITIES. And Harris is like “Becca Riley is living in the guest house??!” EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE. JESUS. And then Abby calls the repairman (because her new boyfriend is useless - you know who could have probably fixed this? WILL.) and admits that she had to “play the pregnant CW star card” - maybe you should play this card to get a fucking nanny or midwife or whoever the fuck takes care of pregnant people.  Or like ask one of her obsessive twitter stalkers to come hold her hair back while she pukes, I’m sure some fans would literally cut a bitch for that opportunity.

And then Scott shows up WITH PASTRIES AFTER HE TOLD JO SHE COULD NOT DO SUCH A THING? THAT FUCKER JUST WANTED TO PLAY FOOD HERO. NOT COOL. Speaking of not cool, Gordon says they HAVE to go home and skip the art show because he is “sweating” and “has 12 unanswered emails”. Wow if only there were a modern technological device that allowed businessmen such as yourself to respond to emails anytime, anywhere. SOMEBODY GET ON THIS IMMEDIATELY, I feel like there would be a huge market for it. 

And when Delia protests this bullshit, he yells in her face, “We’re going home. NOW.” AND SHE GOES ALONG WITH IT??? Yes, because those who are betrothed may never separate, even if only for two hours. DELIA BANAI, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. And then when Abby just tries to give him delicious baked goods, he yells “ABBY BACK OFF!!” FUCK. YOU. Just starve to death in your fucked up upside down sweat-drenched shirt, you fugly piece of shit, SEE IF I CARE.

And then the art show is all messed up because Ralf is like “You’re sooooo embarrassing, JD, we can’t have the buyers meeting you. THEY WILL NEVER GIVE US THEIR MONEY.” So he whisks Phoebe away to sell all the art, because boobs, leaving JD to fend for his anxiety-ridden self. AND THEN RALF TRIES TO KISS HER, BUT SHE NOPES THE FUCK OUT. He takes home her half naked porn art as a consolation prize. Creepy fuck.

Meanwhile, Abby and Harris are NOT at the art show because they are still waiting for the AC guy - turns out being a CW star does not carry much weight lol. She’s like LET’S GET NEKKID AND PLAY DOCTOR, and right as she’s about to get some quality cunnilingus, her phone goes off - OH SHIT IT’S BECCA I NEED TO DROP MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THE 50TH TIME TODAY, HER PREGNANCY HAS MADE HER LITERALLY CRIPPLED.

AND THEN OMFG - Jo and Scott are chilling by Abby’s pool, and she apologizes for being such a bitch about the scones. And then the conversation naturally falls back to The Choker, because that’s somehow connected or responsible for literally everything in Jo’s life and her every conversation as of late. AND THEN THEY KISS - FINALLY - PRAISE THE LORD. I’M SCREAMING.

And then they start to fuck on Abby’s couch lol. But be sure to use protection girl, because that dick has been inside of every vag in Los Angeles (and also probably whatever country he got his accent from), who knows what’s growing on it at this point.

Oh and then, since Delia has not given enough of herself, she offers to move to New York with Gordon for a couple of months so he can launch his stupid ass fashion line, even though she hates NY.

When Abby comes back to the bedroom, Harris is getting dressed and whining about how Abby’s “not capable of accommodating his needs”??? YES BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE SUCH A GOOD JOB OF ACCOMMODATING HERS. GOD, ABBY LIVES IN A LITERAL SEWER, SHE’S JUST SWIMMING AMONGST SO MANY PIECES OF SHIT TONIGHT. 

Speaking of pieces of shit, Becca has suddenly and miraculously regained the ability to walk, as she comes busting in screaming that SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH THE BABY. And I’m just like WHAT ELSE IS NEW. So they rush her to the hospital, and Abby is doing SUCH a great job filling in for her ex-husband, like holding her hand and screaming at her to push and shit, and then the reward for all of her hard work IS A BLACK BABY. YES.

LOLLLLL LOLLLLLLL LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T.

And neither can Abby. Because she literally passes the fuck out, which I also really wanted to make a gif of GODDAMN IT.

NO BUT REALLY, LMAOOOOOOO.

---

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The X-Files: 10x03 - “Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster” Recap

OK SO LET ME JUST START BY SAYING THIS IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE EPISODES OF ANYTHING EVER IN ALL MY LIFE?!?! If you would have told me that I would be getting new X-Files episodes, let alone new FAVORITE X-Files episodes, a DECADE after the shitstain that was season 9, I would have pissed myself laughing. And then punched you in the face for being cruel. BUT THIS IS MY REALITY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WORLD WE LIVE IN.

OK it starts out with our fave resident stoners huffing paint in a very X-Filey~ forest. And they’re pondering the meaning of life (as stoners are wont to do) when SUDDENLY A REPTILIANESQUE MONSTER APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE TO GNAW ON SOME THROAT SKIN (as reptilianesque monsters are wont to do). And everyone’s tripping balls like “lol look at this dead guy” but IT’S PRETTY FUCKING SERIOUS.

CUE BEAUTIFULLY UNTOUCHED CREDITS.

The next day, Mulder is using SCULLY’S IWTB poster as a dartboard for his pencils because the ceiling is basically just one hole at this point, AND because he’s salty as hell about his life’s work and how ridiculous it all was. Yeah, all this mystery and sexiness and ~unsolved~ monster drama gets really fucking boring when advancements in science and technology come along to explain it all pretty easily. He’s like, WHAT WAS I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE, THERE WERE EXPLANATIONS THE WHOLE TIME. And Scully’s just laughing like:

and then she literally asks him if he’s been taking his meds lolllll.

He’s like, “Maybe it’s time to GROW THE FUCK UP.” And she’s like “NO HONEYYYY we need to do MOAR monstar huntz!” And he’s like, “....ok.” SO THEY LOOK AT THIS DRAWING THAT PIPER MADE 

AND IT’S OBV A HORNY MONSTER WITH 2/3 EYES that has been apparently murdering people in the forest. Mulder’s like, “These are just mountain lion killings, this is all bullshit” and Scully’s like “WHO THE FUCK EVEN ARE YOU. DID MORRIS FLETCHER SNEAK BACK INTO YOUR HOT MANCASE OF A BODY WHEN I WASN’T LOOKING.” And basically this entire episode is Mulder’s midlife crisis.

Later that night, the agents are summoned to a gas station parking lot because some tranny hooker like punched this monster in the face with her Fendi knockoff. AND SCULLY LITERALLY SAYS, “It had a horn? Like... a unicorn?” AND I DIE. oh and apparently this thing was also wearing underwear - what a modest little monster! Scully’s on fire tonight, she responds with “Boxers or briefs?” and the tranny’s like, “Tightie whities, just like I used to wear”, and I’m just like:

So then they go talk to this animal control guy, who is out trying to find a puppy BUT THE FUCKING MONSTER IS HERE. So Mulder does what any reasonable and trained agent is supposed to do - forego the gun and pull out a camera phone to document the chase. Except he’s behaving like our fucking parents who don’t know how to use technology and just look like total morons, lol, his flash keeps going off because he got a “new camera app”.

IT’S SO. GOOD.

They find another dead guy - “A FRESH KILL” - and the monster takes off out of the weeds, with Paparazzi Mulder in hot pursuit. The animal control guy scares the piss out of him and then tries to teach him how to use his phone, LMAO. As he’s like “Ok, go to Settings...”, the monster RUNS BETWEEN THEM AND STRAIGHT INTO A PORTAPOTTY. Mulder’s on the ground and Scully’s like HOLY SHIT, running to his injured side JUST LIKE IN THE OLDEN DAYS. He’s not dead, he’s just super fucking proud that he got a picture lol what a cutie.

So they follow it to the toilet, but when they bust in it’s just some gentleman in a suit and hat? And Mulder is taking pics of this guy on the shitter like a total fecal pervert lol. BUT HOLY SHIT HE IS A SHAPESHIFTER - he steps outside and the camera pans around to reveal HORNS GROWING OUT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. Shit just got so real.

Scully goes to do an autopsy on one of the victims, but she can’t even focus because Mulder is being like all your annoying relatives, showing you thousands of pictures of their cats or babies that you give literally zero fucks about.

AND THEN, AND THEN LOL - he goes to show her a video of the “creature” but it’s literally just him screaming into his front-facing camera lolllll

And he claims it shot blood out of its eyes at him. Scully’s like “THAT SHIT DOES NOT HAPPEN, MULDER.” And he’s like, “YES IT DOES I GOOGLED IT.” lollllll And Scully’s all SMILEY LIKE, SAYING SHE “FORGOT HOW MUCH FUN THESE CASES COULD BE”. TRANSLATION: YOU’RE HOT AND I MISS STARING AT YOU ALL THE TIME AND BEING CLOSE ENOUGH TO SMELL YOUR HOT MAN SMELLS. Because I bet he smells really hot, and not like overpowering cologne sort of hot, but like he just has naturally sexy sweat glands, you know?

So anyway, they go back to the motel, and Mulder is awoken in the middle of the night by someone screaming “MONSTER!!!” so he bolts out of bed to check shit out, and he finds a ransacked room with a SEKRIT PERVERT DOOR?! YEAH DUDES - THERE’S A WHOLE HALLWAY THROUGH THE WHOLE MOTEL THAT YOU CAN USE TO CREEP ON PEOPLE. He goes straight for Scully’s room, and sticks his eyes THROUGH AN ACTUAL FOX HEAD AND I FUCKING DIE OMG. 

And he’s perving on our sweet sleeping angel:

She is the Expectation on my Expectation Vs. Reality sleep image.

Mulder goes to confront the fucking alcoholic working the front desk all like “YOU DO NOT LOOK AT MY NEKKID G-WOMAN YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH THOSE TITS ARE FOR ME ONLY. Anyway, in your creepin’ endeavors, did you happen to see a moon transforming monster?” And he’s like, YEAH BUT FIRST I SAW YOU SLEEPING IN A RED SPEEDO:

And then after he had enough time to process how inadequate he was compared to The Man The Myth The Monotone, the motel owner moved onto the next room, where he saw the lovely toilet gentleman screaming at his own face in the mirror and breaking alarm clocks? Basically just me every morning, no big deal. But then he says that he morphed into this fucking thing:

So Mulder runs to his bb’s room in the middle of the night, throwing files at her like LOOK AT THE MONSTER IT’S REAL. And remember when she would always freak out and put robes on for their midnight convos? YEAH SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT, SHE JUST SITS THERE IN HER CUTE JAMMIES:

... WHILE HE HAS AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF. Everytime she tries to chime in, he says exactly what she’s gonna say. Because they know each other so well and are pretty much married and 100% perfect soulmates in literally every way. AND THEN WHEN HE’S DONE WITH HIS TIRADE, SHE SMILES AND SAYS “YEAH. THIS IS HOW I LIKE MY MULDER.”

MY MULDER.

MY MULDER.

MY MULDER.

Her Mulder™ found some pills in the monster’s motel room, which lead him to this whackjob of a psychologist, who talks about how some monster needs to be stabbed in the appendix with green glass. Mulder’s like WHY. And the guy’s like, IDEK. And then this shit takes a huge existential turn when this guy implies that humans and monsters are literally the same and we all suck and it’s like WOW SO TRUE. And then he tells Mulder he’s crazy. Also true.

Then his phone rings - “MULDER IT’S ME” JKHDSFLKJSD FLJSHF KLSAHDFKSAH FKSAHF KSJHDFASKJDHF - and she apparently found the monster working at a smartphone store lol. So Mulder shows up in THE GAUDIEST FUCKING PRODUCT PLACEMENT CAR I’VE EVER SEEN (they probably did it on purpose lollll):

But the monster isn’t there because he literally rage-quit.

So Mulder finds him in a cemetery (per the psychologist’s wholly therapeutic suggestion) and steals some flowers from some irrelevant dead slut so that he can pay mad respect to KIM MANNERS, I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.

The monster - Guy Mann lol - offers sweet Muldycakes a pull of his bourbon and starts cheerily yapping about how death is like a new concept for him and he “lost himself”. AND THEN HE STARTS PROVOKING MULDER INTO KILLING HIM BECAUSE LIFE IS POINTLESS LOLLLLL.

And when Mulder refuses to go Dr. Kevorkian on his ass, Guy tells his life story - SEE, his natural state of being was this big lizard thing, just fucking chillin on the forest floor enjoying his simple life when BAM!!!! Some asshole human comes along and does a hickey-bite on his neck, and now he transforms into a human and has urges to do shitty things like WORK and PUT ON CLOTHES. UGH!!

He does appreciate having the new skill of being able to bullshit his way through anything - “better than camouflage!” And then he says he “committed a murder” but he literally just walked through a fast food drive thru lol. And then he took his cow kill to a motel to binge on porn. THIS ENTIRE THING IS FUCKING HILARIOUS, I CAN’T EVEN COVER IT ALL.

And then he got so fucking depressed that he literally got a puppy. THE MONSTER GOT A PUPPY AND NAMED IT DAGGOO. I’M DYING.

THIS SHOW IS SO FUCKING CHARMING I CANNOT EVEN STAND IT.

But then the dog escapes?! So this poor fucking lizard-human is roaming the streets just looking for his best friend, his ONLY friend, IT IS BREAKING MY HEART. AND THEN HE GETS SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH A PURSE. AND WITNESSES ANOTHER NECK-GRAW MURDER. AND HE CAN’T EVEN TAKE A SHIT IN PEACE. :( :( :(

The next day, he goes into work and Scully comes in saying her phone is broken because “guys don’t send her pictures of their junk on it.” I FUCKING CANNOT. AND THEN SHE SEDUCES HIM. AND ME. AND ALL OF US.

AND HE RECOUNTS HOW HE POUNDED HER LADY CAVE ALL TO HELL AND MULDER IS LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED.  lol jk, he sees right through that bullshit.

And then shit gets super philosophical again, holy fuck I LOVE ALL OF THIS SO MUCH. Guy finds out he’s with the FBI and gets super butthurt that he bared his soul to such a human monster. Mulder revisits his midlife crisis and gets fucking smashed at the graveyard. Pouring one out for his fallen homies.

He is awoken from his drunken stupor BY THE X-FILES THEME SONG AS HIS RINGTONE. CAN WE JUST... DJSFH AKSJDFH SDKJFH AJFHD KJDSAFHA

It’s Scully - SHE HAS MANAGED TO FIND DAGGOO AND EVEN SAYS HE REMINDS HER OF QUEEQUEG.

AND SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW DOGS ARE CUTE AND BASICALLY THE BEST THING EVER, WHEN THE TRUE VILLAIN EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS TO CHOKE OUR ANGEL:

lolllllll.

So Mulder gets there and everything is fine, Scully’s arresting the perp all by herself #dontneedaman LOL and this guy is whinging on about how as a child he had urges to harm animals and Scully’s just like “WE DGAF” and he gets legit SAD that he won’t get to recite a speech he had planned lolllll.  

AND THEN, OMG - MULDER EXPRESSES CONCERN THAT SHE’S JUST BEEN BUSTING IN ON DANGEROUS PEOPLE BY HERSELF ALL DAY, AND SHE’S LIKE W/E I’M IMMORTAL BUT SHE DOES THIS CUTE LITTLE TIE POKE OMG I DIE:

AND THEN SHE FUCKING STEALS THE DOG!!! SDJFH SDKJFH DKJFHASDFH

Mulder goes to the woods to say goodbye to Guy, who is pondering the existence of neckties and getting naked so he can hibernate for 10,000 years. LOL OK. And then he goes to shake Mulder’s hand saying, “I’m glad to have met you.” And then Mulder comes face to face with his monster form. FEELS. SO MANY FEELS. HIS FAITH IN HIS LIFE’S WORK IS RESTORED. LOOK AT THIS EPIC BROMANCE GODDAMN.

—

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Supernatural - 11x11: “Into The Mystic” Recap

LOL, this is going to be a MONSTER OF THE WEEK episode?? Instead of dealing with the trivial matter of Lucifer being out of the cage, hey! Let’s go on a hunt! LOL, I can’t even. At this point the boys still don’t know that Cas said YES to Lucifer. The episode starts out with a very fashionable ghost killing this guy while he’s trying to put his infant daughter to sleep. Sad face. The ghost kills him by making him bang his head against a wall in a flashback 30 years ago. His wife tries to do a spell to banish the ghost but alas it is too late and they both die leaving the screaming poop machine behind. Back to present time, Dean finds an article about the same thing happening to a resident in a retirement home 15 miles from the bunker. CONVENIENCE. They go scope it out, do their pretend FBI thing meanwhile Lucifer is literally taking a stroll in the park lol. He runs into another angel who tries to kill him but SPLAT.

Back to the case, the manager of the retirement home that the boys spoke with earlier is the latest head banging victim. This time there was a witness, Mildred, so the boys earlier easy peasy theory that it was a vengeful spirit doesn’t pan out. Mildred, the old woman, describes the ghost eating the manager’s head lol. So, while Mildred is flirting with Dean there’s a deaf maid flirting with Sam and lip reading what the boys are saying??? She’s like super creepy.

Sam gets back with the coroner and confirms that the frontal lobe was missing on the first vic so they determine monster of the week is *drumroll please* …. A BANSHEE! I won’t lie, I miss the monster of the week set up this show had. I miss it being so fucking scary you had to watch it with the lights on. BUT WE KINDA NEED TO DEAL WITH LUCIFER AND THE DARKNESS, K? Dean heads back to the bunker to get a gold blade to kill the banshee (this is an expensive fucking kill lol) and Sam stays behind. Dean gets to the bunker and AUTOMATICALLY knows someone else is there. Cas is basically tearing up their library looking for “a spell to draw Amara out” but SPOILER ALERT IT’S NOT CAS, IT’S LUCIFER. How fucking long is this going to go on? I literally cannot take it. Dean and Cas are like soulmates, he has to be able to tell that this isn’t Cas!

Anyway, while Dean is having a casual conversation with Lucifer, Sam is at the retirement home interrogating Mildred again. He tells her that they’re hunters and she says what we all think: THEY’RE TOO CUTE TO BE FBI AGENTS. LOL. He tells her that they’re hunting a banshee and that banshees generally go after people who are unhealthy because they’re vulnerable. Basically because of her condition she could be next. Sam, clever boy that he is, asks Mildred if she knows a deaf maid named Marlene that works there. Mildred explains that her granddaughter is deaf and she likes to practice her signing so she would’ve noticed a deaf maid. Apparently, there is a maid there named Marlene but she’s on vacation and she’s not deaf. *insert suspenseful music here* This deaf chick is very boldly strolling around the retirement home impersonating Marlene the (real) maid lol. Sam follows her to the laundry room and she uses some Celtic symbol to pin him down? Get this; SHE THINKS SAM IS THE BANSHEE. I LITERALLY DIED, SHE’S A HUNTER AND SHE THINKS SAM IS THE LADY-MONSTER EATING PEOPLE’S HEADS. Sam does have some very girlish features, hahahaha.

So, the hunter’s real name is Eileen and she’s hunting the banshee because she’s the infant from the beginning of the episode whose parents were killed! This episode has come full circle lol. Anyway. A hunter who was going after the banshee at the time found her and raised/trained her. We find out that Eileen’s mom was the daughter of a Men of Letters. This explains why she knew the spell components and was able to banish the banshee. Sam explains to her that Sam and Dean are legacies as well and then we (finally) cut back to Cas/Lucifer and Dean back at the bunker.

Dean tells Cas/Lucifer (is anyone else confused? Lol) about the attraction/connection that he has to Amara. Cas/Lucifer is being all nice and sympathetic and telling Dean how they’re going to get Amara together and I really think Dean is a little suspicious lol. Sam calls Dean to tell him that Eileen is a granddaughter of a Men of Letters. Dean looks it up in their records to make sure and finds out that her grandfather was indeed a Men of Letters who disappeared in 1939. And omfg, this Mildred lady is so cheeky, I can’t even. She’s signing to Eileen while Sam and Dean are talking on the phone. Basically telling her she calls dibs on Dean and Eileen can have Sam because she’s “not much of a mountain climber anymore.” I had to pause I was laughing soooo hard lol. Eileen is like “you sure you don’t want both?” and I’m just over here like I’LL TAKE BOTH. LOL.

This episode is so fucking confusing, omg. @MishaCollins is so good at acting like Lucifer acting like Castiel. It’s just too much lol.

Dean goes back to the retirement home to go through with the plan. They’re going to use Mildred as bait (jerks!) and try to capture the banshee with the same Celtic symbol Eileen used on Sam. While waiting for Dean to get back Eileen and Sam have a heart to heart about how killing the banshee isn’t going to bring her family back. Revenge isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. She tells him that she may follow in her mother’s footsteps and become a lawyer after this is all over with and Sam is like “OMG. LAW. STANFORD. DEAN RUINED MY LIFE.” LOL. Dean shows up and Mildred drags him away to show him the view from the window in her room. She tells him that she hopes this isn’t her last sunset *cries* She tells Dean that before she retired she was in a Patsy Cline tribute band and I just fall in love with her even more. While he’s promising that she’ll be ok he notices that her hand is still on his knee. When he says something about it she’s like “…….. I could move it up.” LMAO. Can I just be this lady when I’m old??? After Dean walks away the SHIT hits the fan except instead of Mildred hearing the banshee screaming Dean does.

The four of them get into an epic battle with the banshee and Dean starts banging his head against the wall. Eileen and Sam both miss when they try to stab the banshee but Mildred runs over to the Celtic symbol, slices her hand quickly and slaps it over the symbol effectively saving the day. The banshee is pinned down and Eileen is able to get her revenge and stab the fuck out of the banshee.

So, Sam says bye to Eileen telling her to look them up if she ever needs anything. Dean says bye to Mildred and she tells him it’s probably for the best because they wouldn’t have worked out anyway lol. He wants to know why and she tells him she KNOWS WHEN SOMEONE IS PINING FOR SOMEBODY ELSE. WHO IS HE PINING FOR? NOT AMARA. The boys walk off into the sunset after saving the day and Mildred signs to Eileen:

Last scene, Sam and Dean are back at the bunker talking about how something seems “a little off” about Cas….. WUT? A LITTLE? Sam tells Dean how Lucifer showed him a “highlight reel” of all his failures while he was in the cage. Sam finally apologizes for not looking for Dean while he was in purgatory….. 4 SEASONS LATER. Before going back to his room Sam asks the question we’re all wondering…. why did the banshee go after him if it’s supposed to go after vulnerable people? Dean brushes it off, telling Sam he’s over thinking it but before the episode ends he sits on the side of his bed, unable to fall asleep, thinking……

---

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The 100 - 3x02: “Wanheda (Part 2)” Recap

How great was this episode?? No we didn’t find out if Kane and Abby are doing the do but we did get to see Bellamy see Clarke and die a little inside, and Clarke see Bellamy and beg for him not to die, and basically it was fantastic, ok? A lot of seeing and dying. Oh, and information! This episode side-eyed the previous one so hard, it was truly great.

It kicks off in the best way possible: with Bellamy’s voiceover again. Idk I just think having one of the best characters with undebatably the best voice throw us back into the thick of things every week is just the BEST.

But then, even better, we get the real thing! Kane tells Bellamy to go outside (because, LOL, they'd been hiding out inside the truck all night, apparently) and imo Bellamy looks super hurt by this:

But, to protect his fragile bromance soul, he retreats into Obedient Guard Bellamy zone and diligently pops up through the top of the truck for recon. Unfortunately he gets nabbed and used as ransom.

Kane is like ‘Nooooooo not Bellamy!!!!’ and gets out there. Idk you guys, I think Bellamy and Kane have a real connection. Remember last season when Kane shot Tristan as he was about to kill Bellamy? Plus, being Griffin men, they already have a lot in common. Kallemy is real, I've just decided.

As they’re all taken prisoner Monty is like ‘Noooo’ about that stupid beacon thing (I can't for the life of me understand why they are all pretending like these things are freakin diamonds or something) and Bellamy is like ‘Montyyyyy’ and one of the attackers was like “Monty??”

And then Monty was like “Mom??” and I was like “Mom???!!!”. It was great.

Then we were made to endure a Crazy2 meeting on the Heroes Reborn set.

They called it the ~City of Light~ but I bet all the Heroes actors were hiding just out of sight. They even had the exact same plan as Erica! Populate the City with people to save the human race and stop all pain and hurt. Ok, crazies. Nothing suspicious about that at all.

But then it turns out you can spontaneously go into the City of Light in your mind! Finally this place is becoming actually intriguing. That being said, Jaha still looks like an utter douche when he goes there:

Then I become so confused because Murphy is hot?? Murphy is so hot clean, you guys, it’s utterly disconcerting. He basically tells Emori that he doesn’t trust her, which is completely moronic considering she's why he came along and they both know it, but we also all know men are dumb so that’s this scene.

But then we get back to Monty and his mom!! This scene was so epic. I've been waiting to meet Monty’s parents since we first met him and it was worth the wait.

Monty is such a cutie around his mom! More than usual, even. It’s so easy to forget that our heroes are 17 or 18 year olds so it’s always fantastic when they have a scene with their parents and we’re made to remember that. Miller and his dad’s reunion last season broke me.

Then Monty found out his dad was dead and I screamed MONTY LET ME HUG YOU at my TV.

We then find out that Monty’s mom’s team (who I'm going to be calling Pikers) is led by a guy called Charles Pike. Pike and Kane are friends because back on the Ark Pike was a teacher. Not only that, he taught Clarke and adored her (he also taught Bellamy and apparently he was a very bad Earth Skills student hehe)!

So of course Bellamy immediately bounds over so they can fangirl together about the perfection of Clarke Griffin.

Importantly, Bellamy makes this face:

But first he starts out all dead worried that they need to GET MOVING RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY to find Clarke.

Then Bellamy proves he is still mad at Kane for using him like cow fodder earlier and moves on to a new bromance. These are two of this show’s best male characters so I am so on board for Mollemy.

Then Pike and Indra glare at each other with hatred and I immediately ship it.

We find out Roan is the worst host ever, just literally dragging Clarke along without care if she's hydrated, fed or rested.

Then Clarke pretends to collapse, totally playing him, and he falls for it, going to get her some water. She chokes him but I groan when he pulls literally the exact same trick she did ten seconds ago and goes limp, and she believes him to be out so she lets go. Surprise surprise, he's not, and he gets her back.

The nice thing about this scene, though, is that Clarke probably knew there was a possibility he was playing her but she also didn’t want to kill him to be sure. All these kids are so incredibly messed up from their previous murders and they just want to be left to deal with their fifty mental life sentences, but Earth will just not let them.

THEN we get the real Clarke back!! That awful berry dye is washed out of her hair and now she looks like the top of a cherry pie instead of the inside of one, which is as it should be.

Does it amaze anyone else how young these people look when they're not covered in dirt??

Then chemistry crackles between Clarke and Roan and I am wondering how long it takes for Stockholm’s Syndrome to kick in (Roarke? Cloan?).

Octavia rubs salt in the wound about how bad Lincoln looked in the Guard jacket, which is apparently a giant turn-on. Fake Grounders have a weird sense of humour.

However, their sexy scene gets interrupted by them hearing Grounders coming and Octavia freaks out about the Kill Order on Lincoln’s head and I am just LOLing because THAT’S WHY YOU SLEEP INSIDE, OCTAVIA.

However, it’s only Nyko (bleeding to death), Lincoln’s healer friend, and there's this great sort-of reference to Anya because Octavia makes a big deal of shouting at the Ark ~not to shoot~, YOU KNOW, LIKE THEY DID TO ANYA EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS UNARMED AND WALKING AWAY. Sorry, still not over that.

Ugh Jasper is still here. I keep forgetting he's a character we have to care about, which is awful but ugh. It’s so difficult to feel anything for a character who's already excessively feeling sorry for themselves, you know?

Abby tells him to face his feelings like Finn didn’t and Jasper delivers a giant BURN saying Clarke killed him, ~too~. Abby is speechless but she should’ve said that one could also say that Maya was voluntarily taking Grounder blood and Finn killed a village of innocent Grounders. But suuuure Clarke is the only bad guy.

There's this big dilemma about how to save Nyko. He doesn’t have RH factor in his blood, which is a big deal (thanks, high school Biology.) It means his blood type is super rare and giving him the blood of someone who does have RH factor will kill him. Lincoln and Octavia thus can't donate.

There are hundreds more people in Arkadia but they then immediately decide this means they need to go to Mount Weather. Something about it having state of the art technology and stockpiles of Grounder blood.

Abby then has to decide – treating Nyko in Mount Weather may anger the Grounders to the point of starting up another war. Jackson gives Abby the Doctor VS Chancellor guilt trip again and I'm so annoyed by this? Everyone STOP telling her she can't do both! It feels like a step away from saying you can't be a mother and have a job. Abby can be Doctor Chancellor if she wants to so, as much as I love you, Jackson, please go screw yourself for saying this.

Anyway, Abby asks Lincoln what he thinks she should do and he's like ‘I hate being a Sky Person. You have the worst dilemmas. Fine, just save him, hopefully my ex-people won't kill us all’.

So then Roan’s friend from the last episode comes back to beat up Niylah. Somehow he knew that Roan had come back and taken Clarke. He also calls Roan “Ice Nation scum”, which means he himself isn't an Icer. So why were they working together, then? And when and how did he just find that out? So many questions.

Anyway, he throws Niylah around and is just about cut off her hand when he gets shot. By BELLAMY!

Niylah sees these people with their guns, Guard uniforms that should be bizarre clothing to her and, I shit you not, asks whether they are Sky People. NO IT’S JUST GROUNDER HALLOWEEN.

Niylah mentions that Clarke spent the night and I giggled.

But in all seriousness, Bellamy is not actually overtaken by jealousy because he is an ~adult~. Instead he is flooded with worry that he doesn’t even bother to try concealing.

Roan is pulling Clarke through the tallest grass ever but some Icers are near. Clarke screams because she hasn’t yet realised that she is getting the luxury treatment in comparison to how any other Icer will treat her.

Roan says their deaths will be on her and I laugh because SO IS EVERYONE ELSE’S, ASSHOLE; IF YOU WANT TO GUILT HER, GET IN LINE.

Mount Weather is back!

I’ve got to be honest, I kind of missed this set.

It makes total sense that this place would be a site of bad juju for the Grounders and Arkadians, but it’s also sort of dumb to leave it empty when it could be so useful, which Team Nyko and Pike acknowledge this episode.

Someone tell me why Jasper had to come?? Not even he seems to know.

Team Clarke plus the Pikers (minus the ones Pike sent off to Arkadia) get to the grassy patch and Indra says the Icers are coming. But Bellamy sees Clarke and LOSES HIS SHIT:

Look at his face.

Look at his face.

Look at his face.

They all but drag Bellamy away to a cave to get out of the Icers’ way.

This is followed by another Indra scene and I just melt into a puddle whenever she's on screen, she's honestly just the best. However, in this scene her voice is all shaky with how scared she is and it sufficiently terrifies me before she leaves to go warn the Commander about the Icers.

I'm once again confused by how attracted I am to clean Murphy as Emori explains that she sort of works for ALIE.

Her and Scarf Dude collect/steal tech that will help ALIE. She doesn’t explain in what way they get paid but whatever.

She also decides she wants to screw them over and sell to someone else and Murphy says “Really? Are you about to steal from the people you steal for?” because Murphy always has A+ lines.

Emori is a certifiable idiot because she actually goes to steal the Tech Backpack from right next to Oaf Dude! He chokes her because duh. Murphy hits the guy with a giant rock to no effect and at first I LOL because I think it’s because that side of his face is deformed and thus senseless, but turns out it’s because “There is no pain in the City of Light”! Emori begs to differ:

Then Roan takes off his shirt and it’s pretty great.

Roarke get arguing about how similar they are. He calls her a coward for leaving her people. He's bitter because he himself was banished and explains that she's his bargaining chip back in. Fair enough.

In the cave Team Pike-Clarke discuss strategy and this is Bellamy:

Bellamy goes off to sulk about how he can't think about anything but Clarke and plots how to sell off his body parts in order to see her again.

Kane makes this face:

He ships it.

Monty presses his mom for some deets on his dad’s death and it’s some really weird and almost incomprehensible story about how kids were playing on the snow and then suddenly they were dying and Monty’s dad went to save them and he died in the process. It’s completely unclear whether the snow was poisonous or if Icers killed him, but there is one thing that’s clear: THE STORY IS FISHY.

Things then somehow get even more awkward when Team Pike-Clarke seems on the brink of collapse because it becomes clear that Pike is uber anti-Grounder. This does not go over well considering Kane has always wanted peace with them. He tries to explain that Icers are a different breed of Grounder but Pike is having none of it.

It’s difficult to judge this dude as he doesn’t know what we as viewers do, but at the same time, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that teaming up with the Tree Grounders is preferable to having them and the Icers trying to kill you?? From a mathematical sense it just makes sense, dude.

Bellamy is over in his pity corner like:

So then we get back to my confusion about Murphy because he is practically a baby angel now?? Idk anything anymore. All I know is that Murphy seems genuinely traumatised by that oaf being dead and he also has this adorable dimple:

Emori thanks him for saving her life and I'm utterly perplexed because she totally saved herself, but whatever. Have mutant-baby angel dimpled babies, you two.

Buuut Jaha totally cockblocks, having Scarf Dude grab Emori with a knife up against her throat. Murphy isn't just a baby angel though! He's smart too. He grabs up the Tech Backpack asking if ALIE is waterproof. Jaha pulls this face that I guess means no:

So the backpack was projecting ALIE?? I guess that is less awkward.

Anyway, Murphy gets Emori released then throws ALIE into the water anyway because he is a veritable badass now, and they escape.

THEN we find out Oaf Dude isn't dead! Or, he's not dead in the City of Light, anyway. I'm not sure what precisely this means. Does your mind stay in the City of Light regardless of your body? Like I said, intriguing.

I then realise that this actor has been on Supernatural, where he was also an oaf and I have a bit of a giggle about the way the CW chronically recycles its actors. In this episode alone we have two actors from just Supernatural.

Lincoln and Abby then decide, with the encouragement of Nyko and Jackson, to use Mount Weather regularly as a base of operations even though it may start a war with the Grounders again. Good grief, maybe Abby will be the one on the couch because we all know Kane sleeps with ways to sustain peace with the Grounders under his pillow.

Ugh Jasper is still here.

He throws some things around before Octavia comes to hold his hand.

It’s actually a nice scene because letting yourself sob and be comforted is really the first step to beginning to deal with grief. I'm hoping this means Jasper will gradually become satisfying to watch again in the next few weeks.

Monty is smarter than everyone and also his Mollemy senses went off so he goes to investigate.

Upon which he notices his bro missing!

And where was Bellamy? ONLY DOING THE COOLEST THING EVER!!

He was dressed as an Icer! And looking spectacularly hot, I may add. Like, I don’t think Bellamy ever doesn’t look hot (he even made that Mount Weather underwear work), but Grounder getup for some reason shoots his hotness to level 500. Also I just feel like the guy was made for wearing a skull mask.

He uses his disguise to make it past the Icer army – which is GIANT, by the way. Good luck fighting that with only your 63 people, Pike.

Bellamy is then ~on Clarke’s scent~.

Then Bellamy finds the woman he's in love with Clarke and I swear he almost cries in joy.

He's so stupidly happy that he gets jumped by Roan, who puts a sword to his throat.

Clarke sobs and begs for him not to kill the man she's in love with Bellamy and he actually doesn’t! I think he's gonna have to explain his motives here at some point. But I'm betting it will have to do with how Clarke was begging like Bellamy is someone she is completely in love with really respects.

Bellamy doesn’t even look that scared, though?

He looks like someone who doesn’t want to die but has also been prepared for this. Not only would he die for Clarke, he would want to. If he could do it all over again he'd still come after her alone, because he would rather die knowing he did everything he could to save her than let any harm come to her.

Unfortunately Roan stabs Bellamy in his thigh and I'm so mad (you touch Bellamy, you touch my ire) but also have to admit it’s prudent. He doesn’t want Clarke’s badass boyfriend/lover co-leader to follow them.

Bellamy emerges, rabid, and Team Pike-Clarke catch up with him (somehow). They try to convince him that he's too injured (aka busy bleeding out) to continue after Clarke and that they should go back to camp and Bellamy is NOT HAVING IT.

He literally has a breakdown/freakout about how “Can't lose Clarke. We can't lose Clarke”. The pronoun is missing from the first time he says it but I think we allll know what he meant.

Because nobody else on the team is in love with Clarke, they're adamant they go back (no, but fo real. Offer me one other reasonable explanation why Bellamy is the only one who is completely unwilling to let Clarke go). Bellamy is incapable of even walking and yet he still wants to go after her with everything he has.

Look at his face.

However, Monty manages to convince him they have to live to fight another day. Monty then supports Bellamy so they can go back home and Mollemy is so happening sorry Kane.

Meanwhile Clarke gets placed before what I'm panicking will be the Ice Queen. Roan takes the bag off Clarke’s head to reveal…

LEXA!! Lexa’s back, you guys! And with more eyeliner! You guys will remember Lexa as the badass lady from last season who tried to seduce Clarke by telling her she was insufficient at everything and then betraying her in the worst way possible.

We then find out Roan’s mother is the Ice Queen?? Clarke was so right, they really are similar! Roan is also a rebel, clearly, because he wants to be a part of the Tree Nation, not Azgeda.

We find out Lexa had made a deal with Roan that he would return Clarke unharmed (there was this great joke about how that’s impossible since Clarke doesn’t come easy, and Lexa looked a little proud) and Lexa would un-banish him.

But, to absolutely no one’s surprise, Lexa doesn’t follow through on their deal. She betrays him because that’s what she does and really I can't blame anyone but Roan here. Why would you trust her? Why does anyone still trust her?? Yes, she's a fantastic leader but seriously, people should stop making deals with her.

So then we have something only slightly less anticipated than Bellamy and Clarke meeting up again – Lexa and Clarke meeting up again! They properly come face to face and Lexa stares as Clarke glares.

(nobody does crazy eyes more terrifyingly than Clarke Griffin)

It’s pretty sad because it’s clear Lexa still cares about Clarke and it also is completely understandable that Clarke hates her. In fact, she straight up spits at her! It’s not the exchange of spit Clexa shippers had been hoping for, but if you ask me it was warranted, not only because of Lexa’s (freakin huge) betrayal but because the first thing out of her mouth here is about business (instead of something personal or an apology). She couldn’t let ~Wanheda~ fall into the Ice Queen’s hands and she ~needs~ Clarke because “war is brewing”.

After her projectile spittle, Clarke gets dragged away like a rabid dog (to be fair, she is literally growling, howling and snarling), screaming about how Lexa wanted the ~Commander of Death~, well now she bloody well had her and then legit says that she's going to KILL Lexa.

^^^ Actual quote.

It’s pretty great.

Lexa looks bothered but also not too bothered, like maybe she has a plan up her sleeve for getting Clarke to forgive her or at least work with her.

Then we’re left with this amazing image:

Woohoo! Things just got even cooler!

Next week I'm hoping for some Raven, and that Bellamy will have to explain to Dis Bitch that he got maimed while doing whatever it took to save Clarke because he will literally die for her any second of any day of the week.

—

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The 100: 3x01 - “Wanheda (Part 1)” Recap

Editor’s Note: SUPER excited to have @mrslackles​ helping out with The 100! Let’s give her a big welcome, because this recap is fucking hilarious. ONWARD.

Last season we left off with Clarke, a strange mix of ashamed, bitter and guilt-ridden, deciding to leave the people whose lives had been so sorely won in order to… well, we don’t really know. And neither did she. She just couldn’t look at their faces, basically, knowing she killed over three hundred people for them. Bellamy’s heart dropped to the bottom of the ocean all during a heart-wrenching cover of Knockin on Heaven’s Door. BUT because this show didn’t want to leave us on an image as cool as that, instead we were left with the headscratcher of Jaha finding some AI (artificial intelligence) named ALIE (all caps because that’s how computer names work) who likes bombs. Or something? ~Headscratcher~

Then we moved on to this episode, which opened on poor Murphy. Last season he'd been ecstatic to find this bunker with food and alcohol. This season… not so much. It changes your perspective on something when you're stuck with it all the time all day for three months. And nobody else. Murphy isn't exactly what I'd call a people’s person but he was going pretty crazy down there without anyone else.

He was also watching a video wherein he found out that ALIE had been made by some woman, Becca, who looked exactly like her.

She took this poor woman’s face and then decided the world needed to be cleansed. Oh, excuse me – I mean she was tasked with finding a way to fix the world and killing most of the people on it was her solution.

Which, fair enough. I guess she couldn’t have predicted all the crazy that has happened on this show so far coming out of it. Still though, she didn’t once seem rattled during this episode, which means either AIs cannot be rattled (probably because that would make them sweat and digital anti-perspirant sounds like a pain in the ass) or everything is still going according to her plan. Ok, Crazy Lady. You do you. Just don’t kill everyone again.

Murphy almost kills himself but he decides not to, all by himself, and the moment was pretty great. Usually in TV shows the character has a massive epiphany staring down the barrel or they get interrupted or any other kind of bullshit. But, knowing he was running out of food, Murphy looked down the barrel of a gun and was like ‘Hey. Humans can live for 2 weeks without food. Which won't be pleasant but it'll probably be better than death. I want to live’.

And then the door opened and I'm thinking maybe the one has to do with the other and Jaha was just testing him because you never know what's going on in a crazy person’s head.

When you really think about it, there was no one more perfect for Crazy Lady than Head Crazy, Thelonius Jaha (his name is inordinately hard to type, good grief). I ship it. Have little insane half-digital half-human babies, you two.  

Murphy ends up finding Jaha and Jaha is so righteous about not helping Murphy out that I'm genuinely thinking Jaha isn't allowed to leave the house (last season Crazy Lady and Head Crazy were not seeing eye to eye), but he totally can. And worse, later he’s totally like “I'm sorry we kept you in the bunker, John. Is that what you want to hear?” Like, yes?? That is very much what I personally would’ve liked to hear. It’s been THREE MONTHS. Three hours I could forgive without a word. Three days would be pushing it, but I'd look past it. Three weeks you'd get a punch in the face. But three months and you expect me to be falling into your crazy arms?? No way. Murphy was calm, in my opinion. I would’ve kicked Jaha so hard in the crotch there would’ve been sperm swimming in his eyeballs.

Murphy collapses and Jaha picks him up and carries him away. Which was sweet, I guess. It probably would’ve been nicer for him to have gone and fetched him eleven weeks ago when he wasn’t a starving delusional caveman, but carrying him after he passes out because of said ailments is a fine second option, I suppose.

Next we get THE BEST SCENE OF THE EPISODE.

Now, look, I'm not saying it was the best because we got two damn near perfect specimen of men bare-chested and fighting with women’s eyes on them. It was the ~emotion~ in the scene, you know? Like I could just smell their delicious sweat all the connecting they were doing, all the understanding they were sharing and all the knowledge they were so graciously passing on.

Each time Bellamy ended up on the floor I was certainly not thinking of him on the floor in another situation but rather marvelling at the strength and superior fighting skills being exhibited.

These ladies know what I'm talking about:

Lincoln then wins, I suppose, and he says it’s because Bellamy was too aggressive. We’re not told why Bellamy is this aggressive but if I had to guess I would put my money on anger from an unrequited lost love.

Then Bellamy and Lincoln walk off and begin talking, leaving me and the rest of the class to wonder how on earth (ha, get it?) their lesson is supposed to continue. What was that fight?? Show and tell?? Was it not two instructors fighting to better their pupils? If not, I'd like to be watching that show, please. Bellamy and Lincoln lead a fighting class. Bare chested, every week, no plot needed. For the emotionzzz.

There's a back and forth between Bellamy and Lincoln about the Guard jacket and what Octavia will think, and while I think Octavia is being a child in this episode, I also think Lincoln should’ve thrown the jacket back in Bellamy’s face because he does look utterly ridiculous in it. Sorry, Lincoln. You have the superior tattooage, Bellamy gets to be the one to look rocking in the Guards’ uniform.

In the MOST CONFUSING SCENE OF THE EPISODE, Bellamy goes to talk to Kane. In an episode of confusing, this scene gets the award because it starts out with Abby and Kane seemingly living together??? I don’t know. It’s possible they’d been ~working~ and Abby had just fallen asleep or they're just roommates or they are in a steamy relationship that this show doesn’t wanna take the time to explain.

Which was the theme for the episode tbh. Pretty sure the writers planned this episode like this: Skip three months of time since when the audience knew what the hell was going on -> EVERYTHING has changed -> explain NOTHING.

In that case, well done, writers. Well done.

Bellamy and Kane discuss strategy and we get a tiny scrap of exposition that their truce with the Grounders has still held and Kane doesn’t want anyone, particularly Bellamy, ruining it. Bellamy is now like second in command or something? Well, technically Abby is first and then Kane, so third. Either way, he's like Obedient Guard Bellamy now and it freaks me out thoroughly.

We also find out that they’ve split the terrain they're aware of into different sectors, but for information that seems like it will be vital for the season, they really don’t explain it all that much at all. There's also Azgeda, which is where the Ice Nation lives.

Abby wakes up wondering if Bellamy suspected she was fake-sleeping and then her and Kane have a makeout sesh. Oh damn, swapped out the episode for my fanfic again, whoops. Abby wakes up and moans about Clarke being gone. She says that her daughter will only be found once she wants to be and I'm thinking, does she have any evidence for this?? Clarke could be tied up and tortured somewhere and you'd be none the wiser waiting for Clarke to ~want~ to be found.

Then we rolled into a scene where we find out Jasper has lost the will to live. I feel I can't be alone in thinking THEN DON’T. Like honestly, I get that the girl he fell in love with in two weeks died and it’s horrific, but Clarke straight up murdered the man she loved and she just had to suck it up and barrel right into negotiations in order to save your ass.

Unfortunately the only thing Jasper is sucking up is alllll the alcohol and Bellamy and Monty feel sorry for him so they bring him along on the mission (I don’t know what the mission is). This seems like a prime example of a stupid decision Clarke and Bellamy never would’ve made together – which leads me to thinking Where is Clarke?, quickly followed by WHERE IS CLARKE?? Ten minutes, you guys, and still no main character of the show.

Bellamy sucks face with Dis Bitch whom we know nothing about besides that she is a bartender and Raven thinks she's too good for Bellamy. Her name is Gina but let me tell you, the episode did not care about us knowing that (or anything else, really), I only know because I am adept at using the internetzz.

The gang climbs into this contraption which they found in that abandoned parking lot from last season where Lincoln ate people’s stomachs:

Then Octavia is on a horse, because pretending to be a fake Grounder is far preferable to getting somewhere quickly.

This made me LOL:

These people are so over Head Crazy too that they'd rather sound like a stupid city out of a comic book than be associated with his name any longer.

Importantly, Bellamy makes this face:

The funny thing about this scene is that Raven is driving even though she is the one with the bum leg (and, we find out, an added hip problem!) and that no one on the Ark should know how to operate a vehicle. So I'm wondering how anyone taught anyone else? Did they all just teach themselves? Were there tutorial videos from the Ark? I just want outtakes of everyone attempting a go at figuring out a car. Luckily it’s not stick shift because that would’ve been hilarious.

Then there's this long scene where they sing a vulgar song together and they're all happy for two long minutes. And I really mean two long minutes because damn this scene stretched.

It was like that scene right before a massive car crash because no happy car singing scene ever lasts this long.

Like, I was very happy that they were happy, but at the same time I couldn’t help thinking that half of this time could’ve been allotted to explaining the different sectors or Kabby’s sleeping arrangement, ya know? Also to me the scene didn’t feel right without Clarke but I suppose Clarke gets her two minutes of happiness (*wink wink*) later.

Then a beacon thingy goes off and it takes a pause, a mind map, and tons of mental calisthenics for me to understand what's happening here. But basically, as I understand it, last season when the Ark came down, it came with more than just the main part with Kane, Abby and Wick. Other parts broke off and crashed elsewhere. The Arkadians haven’t yet managed to survey all the wreckage for survivors and stuff and at this moment one of the beacons from the Farm station in ~Sector 8~ goes off, informing them that it’s on the move. Which I think made them think there were survivors on the move?

Anyway, Bellamy then makes the executive decision to break protocol and follow the beacon, after asking for Monty and Miller’s blessing (because Miller has a Farm boyfriend, which was said in such a throwaway line that we don’t know if Miller’s boyfriend is in Arkadia, safe, and would just like the rest of his people, or if Miller’s boyfriend could actually be in that wreckage).

I'm like YASSS BELLAMY IS BACK and the team gets to gunning towards the beacon. This was a great moment because really this show is only itself when the teens are off doing shit they should not be doing.

Murphy wakes up with his face all shaven and his hair all sleek and this may be the weirdest thing Head Crazy has ever done. Did he straight up give him a shower while he was out cold?? Did he lovingly shave his face with a straight razor? Did he shampoo and condition? Did he wash his naughty bits? So many questions.

Crazy2 try to convince Murphy that this is all perfectly alright and he's like ‘Screw y'all I'm outta here.’ Personally this City of Lights place is really beginning to bum me out because I thought it was an actual location and now it seems like it’s either somewhere you go in your mind, a metaphor, or a really bad trip. Either way, LAME.

Team Farm Station runs into these guys from the Ice Nation instead of nice Farm people and at this point I am ecstatic because I do in fact know about the Ice Nation.

The Ice Nation has a queen who is straight up evil. Lexa shared that the Ice Queen stole her girlfriend once just for funzies and then cut off her head for more funzies. Additionally, Azgeda is only tentatively a part of the Coalition of the 12 nations and we have no idea where they were for all of last season (and why Mount Weather didn’t want their blood).

I really enjoy their aesthetic though, it’s very identifying.

Jasper then does something stupid and the dumbest part of it all is that everybody just lets him. Like, have they seen Jasper?? I wouldn’t trust him to trim my lawn.

An Icer (Icy Grounder? Ground Ice?) begins cutting into Jasper’s neck and I'm thinking we’re all about to be let out of our misery but alas, he gets off with only a cut and we have to watch him walking around with a stupid bandage for the rest of the episode.

They kill all the Icers and I definitely don’t think there's gonna be ~any~ consequences for that. Bellamy, you have a nice head and Clarke thinks so too. That puts you right in the Ice Queen’s crosshairs. Think about it.

They're hauling tail when they get a message to go meet Kane and I'm excited because from the promo I know this is where we will finally at least HEAR of Clarke (it’s been twenty minutes now).

And I'm right, Kane is with Indra, who remains the best, and she informs them that everyone and their pet rabbits are hunting Clarke.

Then: CLARKE! We finally get to see our lead, in the most badass way possible. She kills a black panther with nothing more than a bunny and a knife!

And while I'm super pumped to see my fave again, I must say I'm side-eying her for making a bunny a part of her dastardly plot. This could be the worst thing she's done on this show so far. Well, minus allowing a mass murder and enacting another, anyway.

This is Niylah.

The important thing to know about Niylah is that she is a major Clarke fan, which is a little awkward because not even Clarke is a Clarke fan, but that always makes for a great romance. Clarke stops by every once in a while where Niylah works (it’s called a trading post) where she swaps most of her meat for other things. Which basically conveys to us that she is definitely all on her own, fighting for her own survival.

Abby helps Raven off a horse after correctly surmising that she can't do it herself and it was genuinely heartwarming, reminding us of back on the Ark when they were a team.

Also, I feel it important to note that Raven had been riding a unicorn that was missing its horn:

Indra then informs us that Clarke is the Wanheda and it means Commander of Death! This is the same thing the Icers had been talking about (to Octavia who, like Clarke, is freakin fluent in Grounder/Trigedasleng now) wanting.

Indra explains that there is a bounty on Clarke’s head. She clarifies that Grounders believe killing someone will give you their power and since Clarke is so badass (and, perhaps, has taken so many lives), the Ice Queen wants to kill her to get her powers.

The interesting thing about the way Indra explains this is that she doesn’t really say it as if she believes it, but rather that it may or may not be true, but that that’s irrelevant. What matters is that they believe it’s true, which means everyone will be looking for Clarke so they can take her to the Ice Queen for their bounty, and once she kills her everyone will believe her to be more powerful. This would cause a war, which is why Indra is suddenly so willing to work with the Arkadians. Her job is to protect Lexa and the Coalition, which means she doesn’t want the Ice Queen to start a war.

Tbh this whole belief kinda seems out of the blue and it raises a lot of questions, like wouldn’t everyone always be trying to kill their leaders if they believed it gave them more power?? Maybe the Ice Queen only cut off Lexa’s girlfriend’s head because she thought it would give her the power to be loved by Lexa?? Maybe this is all one giant misunderstood love story??

Anyway. Kane then goes against his roommate’s express instructions, leading the newly formed Team Clarke off to look for our favourite lead. I predict a couples fight in the near future. I hope Kane can fit on that couch.

There are two guys looking for the Wanheda and Niylah covers for Clarke (who has become dumb, it seems, since she didn’t realise Niylah knew who she was even though she still looks ~exactly the same~ except with badly dyed hair).

At this point I'm thinking that the Ice Nation is just mean for wanting Clarke. They're like that sibling who arrives hours late to a family dinner, just in time for cherry pie, but they didn’t have to endure all the interrogating and squabbling. The Ice Nation did not have to go through all of last season’s shit so I don’t see why they deserve Clarke, who yes, is the cherry pie in this analogy. This lady knows what I mean:

Abby and Raven have an argument about how Raven’s injury has worsened (in classic This Episode style, very little was explained) and Raven gets all bitchy about how Abby can't be a Doctor Chancellor. Personally I don’t see why not – the real problem here is that Raven seemingly can't get the surgery she needs for lack of some machine and the pain is maybe turning her into a bit of a brat?

Jackson comes out and mentions that they're removing contraceptive implants, which means two things: a) WE FINALLY KNOW WHY NONE OF THE 100 GOT PREGNANT. b) They’ve decided to start populating Earth with their own people! That’s just smart, in my opinion.

Lincoln tries to explain to Octavia that he wants to be a symbol that lasting peace between everyone is possible and Octavia is like LA LALA LA BE A FAKE GROUNDER WITH ME.

Like, does she want there to be another war?? I'm genuinely perplexed by her thought process.

Jaha explains that while they kept Murphy in the bunker, he and Crazy Lady were turning that nuclear warhead into a ~power source~. Head Crazy then gives Murphy this:

And I'm wondering, what is he supposed to do with this?? Head Crazy says it gets you to the City of Lights (which only becomes creepier-sounding by the second) but he doesn’t mention how?? Like do I step on it or eat it or put it behind my ear? Can I have the manual please?

Murphy is about to get double out of there when he sees his mutated lady friend, Emori, from last season and it instantly convinces him to go with Crazy2. You know, because this lady was so trustworthy last season when she knocked Murphy out and robbed him and his friends blind.  A+ dating prospect.

Then ALIE follows and I can't figure out how she's being projected?? Like, even an AI needs something to project them, they can't just walk around willy nilly. Then again she always seems to be around Jaha so maybe he has her hologram projector squeezed between his butt cheeks. So that’s what's up there – not a stick, after all!

Abby says she is spread too thin and again attempts convincing Raven to have the surgery but Raven being Raven tells her to shove the offer and drink.

Lincoln decides he wants to be a fake Grounder instead of a funny-looking Guard.

Then Team Clarke hits a very literal bump in the road.

Team Clarke becomes split on whether the fallen tree is accidental or not and Bellamy somehow thinks it is? Who are you and what have you done with my skeptical baby angel??

Can the Ice Nation have retaliated this quickly?

I'm kind of a bit worried for Bellamy because in addition to having a nice neck (and everything else, tbh) and being someone Clarke loves, he was also just as responsible for killing Mount Weather’s inhabitants as Clarke was. Nobody knows this, because Clarke is seen as their official leader, but if it does come out, Bellamy’s head will for sure be on the chopping block. If I didn’t love Monty so much I'd have to suggest Bellamy kill him to keep the secret that they're ~both~ technically Wanhedas!

Because there is no rest for bunny killers (can you tell I'm still upset about the bunny?), Clarke leaves. I'm sure if these two (Clarlah? Niyarke?) sparked any shippers they're now annoyed, but I'm also sure Niylah will be back because she, unlike Bellamy’s girlfriend, got a name and I'm sure we’ll be seeing ~Bellamy’s girlfriend~ again.

Then after I'm (momentarily) done laughing about how Bellamy’s girlfriend doesn’t have a name, Clarke gets kidnapped!

Because this episode is the anti-Oprah of information (You don’t get a name, you don’t get a name, nobody gets a naaaaame!) I once again put my profound internet skillzz to use to divine that this guy’s name is Roan and he will be here a while. Welcome, Roan! I'd issue you an initiation warning but you're already fitting in just fine as the pervert you are! Like, seriously, what was he doing that whole time the ladies were having dessert?? Peeping Roan.

And that was the episode! Next week I'm hoping to find out what is going on with the living arrangement between Abby and Kane and also to not be confused as hell.

—

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Supernatural: 11x10 - “The Devil In The Details” Recap

OH MY CHUCK, it feels like it has been an eternity of #Hellatus. We’ll get right into this sans my witty introduction because this episode was a Literal with a capital L fuckfest. Join me on this adventureee.

The Devil in the Details opens with Crowley in a fucking onesie, Rowena is wearing a reindeer nose and apparently it’s Christmas? But I don’t feel that anything is more important than this: LUCIFER IS SANTA.

He stabs Crowley through the middle with a candy cane. Like what even is HAPPENING? Crowley says “but I was a good boy” as Lucifer is STABBING HIM and I just can’t help but lmao. 

And it turns out Rowena has been in cahoots with Lucifer. This is all a dream and he has been communicating with her the whole time, I guess, making plans to break him out of the cage or whatever. I do have to mention how super cute she is in the reindeer nose and antlers, though! *swoon*

They cut back to Lucifer and Sam and I have to say Sam is being very fearless in the face of the devil. You go, Glen Coco. He’s like “fuck you, Lucifer, I’m not scared of you. My big brother is gonna come whoop your ass!” Like Lucifer is not an all-powerful archangel????? LOL.                                                              

Lucifer angels them into one of Sam’s memories of him making out with a random girl basically telling Sam that he’s not the same strong, fight-to-the-death Sam that he used to be. I didn’t realize it at this point but he’s pretty much trying to talk Sam into letting him ride him out of hell because he needs a meatsuit to get out of the cage apparently.

We go to Rowena and Crowley now who is so pissed that she betrayed him in his own kingdom.

Crowley: “YOU’RE DEAD.”

Rowena: “Please, Fergus. Enough with the idol threats.”

Rowena is the biggest fucking obsessed fan girl in this episode. She tells Crowley about how Luci came to her in a dream and how he’s perfection. “So, you’re just gonna let the big strong man boss you around? What ever happened to the super, duper, awesome coven? #GIRLPOWER” Crowley is a feminist, just in case you were wondering. BASICALLY, Rowena has lost her fucking mind; she really believes that Lucifer cares about her and that she’s gonna join him in heaven as his queen. Yeah, spoiler alert, THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN.

Dean is riding toward where Amara was smited because he clearly has to go check on her before he finds out what’s going on with Sam. Sam who? He does call him though and Sam’s voicemail! OMG. “Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s waxing. Like everything.” YASSS lol. I love it when there’s fun stuff like them just dicking around with each other and that little bit of Dean recording Sam’s voicemail greeting made me seriously happy. This show breaks my heartttt, I can’t even. Excuse me while I go cry in a corner. ANYWAY, as Dean is driving his vision starts to blur and he pulls over. Cas (where has he BEEN?) pulls up and tells Dean that he has smiting sickness (wut?) and holds him while he vomits. I just feel like this isn’t the first time Cas has held back Dean’s hair while he puked his life away. HE IS SO CONCERNED.

Cas tells him that if he goes any closer to the “blast site” he’s going to just get sicker. Cas goes on by himself and Dean goes back to check on Sam. He gets to the bunker and SURPRISE, Sam isn’t there because he’s in hell. With Lucifer. Crowley says there was “a bit of a hiccup” and I’m just like….. UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY OR NAH?

We flash back to Sam and Lucifer and we are seriously bringing revisiting storylines to an entirely new level… Lucifer is taking Sam through memories of the season 5 finale and I’m just like:

Lol, don’t get me wrong I am so so  so so happy to see @MarkRPellegrino reprise the role but I don’t REALLY want Lucifer to get out and help Amara bring death and destruction onto the world! He needs to go bye bye, he already got his ass handed to him. Winchester style. Haha.

While Cas is checking the blast site to find out if Amara is dead (hopefully, not likely!) or alive he runs into the absolute cutest fucking angel ever, like seriously. “I work in birth/death statistics” lol. She’s adorable and I love her glasses!

They decide to look for the Darkness together and poor Ambriel who I guess has never left heaven? Doesn’t realize that it’s dark outside in the middle of the afternoon. Too bad the Darkness EATS her. SPOILER.

Now we’re back to Dean who is belatedly coming to Sam’s rescue. He goes to get into hell and apparently Crowley has hired Billie the Reaper to guard the door? Is this the definition of foreshadowing? We keep running into her and I just want to know what that’s about. She and Dean discuss how she doesn’t WANT them to die, noooo, she just wants to make sure they don’t come back WHEN they die…. Has she met them? They’re specialty is coming back from the dead. Sam and Dean both have that on their resumes under SPECIAL SKILLS right after GREAT BITCHFACE and EATS PIE. Anyway, Dean is like so UNBOTHERED by her and her completely unnecessary hatred of him and his brother. He’s just his sassy self and is like WHATEVER, BITCH. She hands him a secret box and Dean descends the steps into HELL. *insert suspenseful music here* Whatever, like this is the first time!? Dean’s just like OH, I’M GOING TO HELL? IS IT MONDAY? Crowley leaves to go meet Dean and spoiler alert Rowena plants a magical eavesdropping hex bag on him and hears their plans to trap her with a witch catcher. But none of that matters because Crowley in his infinite wisdom drugged her with something that paralyzed her long enough for them to get the witch catcher (which is what was in the secret box) around her neck. With it Rowena is pretty much his slave.  

In the next scene, Lucifer pulls out the big guns and takes Sam to a memory of him and Amelia. I’m going to glide over this scene because it wasn’t important when it happened and it ain’t important now. I was never here for the Amelia story line. Like, you have a husband and your dog is ugly. BYE. Fast forward to Sam and Lucifer going back to the cage. Lucifer basically tells Sam that he is their only shot at defeating the Darkness. Gabriel and Raphael are dead, God went out for a pack of smokes and never came back and Michael is apparently sitting in a corner singing show tunes and touching himself lol. Sam thankfully still says NO and Lucifer can’t climb aboard if Sammy says no!

So, Ambriel and Cas are walking around looking for Amara. Ambriel finds her, she gets her grace/soul/essence or whatever eaten and omg, shout out to the special effects team that worked on this episode. After she eats Ambriel’s “spark” Amara gets up and literally sucks the darkness out the sky back into herself and it looks so fucking cool. Cas pulls out his angel blade because he clearly has a death wish and Amara is just like REALLY, BRO? Lol, she tells him that her brother “always had horrible taste in men” whatever that means? And decides that she isn’t going to eat him because he’s not worth the effort. She sends him back to the door to hell where Billie the Reaper is waiting because she wants to use him to “send a message.” Buuuut. Something is wrong with her because after she magicks him away she stumbles and looks like she may be a little sick. Of course we don’t find out what’s up with that in this episode, though! Anyway, Cas meets up with Dean, Crowley and Rowena in hell and he tells them that Amara is alive. He rips open his shirt and shows them the very ominous “I AM COMING” message that she carved into his chest. She needs to get with the times. THERE’S TEXTING NOW.

We’re back at the cage and Lucifer is, of course, having a temper tantrum about Sam saying no. Sam tells him that they’ll find a way to beat the Darkness on their own and how he’s not ready to be his bitch. And Lucifer goes to plan b and just starts WAILING on Sam. Dean and Cas quickly race to save Sam and NOW THEY’RE IN THE CAGE TOO. PARTY IN THE FUCKING CAGE. Lucifer is like “AMBIENCE” *snaps fingers* and Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel starts playing lmao. Like this entire episode was a roller coaster ride. Fast forward through the fighting, Rowena does the spell effectively sending Lucifer away and saving the day. OR NOT. The boys leave thinking that everything is A OK. We go back to Crowley and Rowena who are having a heart to heart about why she hates him. It’s truly heartbreaking, too. Like you don’t want to feel bad for Rowena, she’s awful. But maybe there’s a reason she’s so awful, ya know.  

While they’re talking Cas comes back buuuuut it’s not really Cas. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS COMING? I DIDN’T.

Apparently while they were fighting Lucifer convinced Cas to say yes and let him possess him? Can we talk about how that is even possible? Cas isn’t technically human and Jimmy Novak isn’t in that body anymore to allow anyone else in…… I do not understand. What does this mean? Is Cas still in there or did they switch places? Is Cas in the cage? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS.

SO JUST TO RECAP: Lucifer is out. And he’s Cas. The Darkness is still alive. And apparently she’s “coming.” See? FUCKFEST. But one good thing out of this entire episode is Rowena got what was coming to her lol.

But let’s not celebrate just yet! Everyone on Supernatural has to die at least once so we may see @RuthieConnell again.

—

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x09 - “Rule #81 - There’s No Crying in Porn” Recap

lol. So today we begin at a celebratory gala of Delia Banai’s badassery, but she can’t even enjoy it because she’s too busy freaking the fuck out that her affair with Honey Badger Boss will become front page news. And Abby can’t even help her cope because she’s too busy walking and texting with that epic douchecanoe, Dr. Harris. YEAH YOU FEEL LIKE A FUCKING PRINCESS NOW, BUT JUST YOU WAIT. Also, mini-vent: When I’m having a full-on text conversation with someone in the presence of other people, I turn my fucking ringer off. This shit DRIVES ME NUTS ABBY.

And honestly, I think she can barely handle one cock right now, but the universe must LOVE her because who do they throw back into her orbit? YEAH, CARRRRRL. Fucking foot fetish Vegas gigolo Carrrl. Looking hot as ever. So he’s like, “You overpaid last time I saw you, CAN WE GO ON A DATE SO I CAN GIVE YOU YOUR CHANGE *WINK WINK*” and she’s all giggly and I’m championing her mounting that prime dick immediately.

She goes back to brag to her friends about how in-demand she is, and Phoebe’s like “NOT AS IN DEMAND AS LADY GAGA. jk. You should text him that you wanna see him!!” And Jo’s like “HELL TO THE NO THAT IS WAY TOO CLINGY YOU SHOULD COME ACROSS LIKE YOU GIVE NO FUCKS.” But Abby doesn’t listen and instead sends a text about how she “wants him”... “NOW”... and he’s like “LOL I can’t, I’m too important to fuck you rn because I’m at the Correspondents’ Dinner~” and she gets all salty knowing that he probably brought that stupid bitch he was with last time they were ~paneling~ together in NY.

So she explains this to the girls, that he “had teased her about needing a date”, and they immediately make excuses for his shit behavior?! “Maybe he didn’t have a plus one, yeah!” And I’m usually the friend that’s like, “Well he’s a piece of shit, what did you expect. He didn’t want to be seen at BREAKFAST with you, let alone chilling with the fucking PRESIDENT. Have some self-respect and GO BACK TO NAILING HOT FETUS.” Also it is REALLY RUDE to be constantly on the phone when your friend is getting an award. UTERUSES BEFORE DUDERUSES.

And then she complains about this to Delia for five minutes, before she intuits that something is going on outside the world of Abby McCarthy’s Problems™. So Delia tells Abby that Boss’ wife knows all about their fornicative treachery and asks if she can stay at her house tonight. And then Abby lists all the reasons that it’s super inconvenient for her, but ultimately agrees because WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR.

Later, baby Zooey comes home to Jo after her little tennis practice. Charlene has dressed them in matchy outfits so that it’s even more effectual when she brags about their new country club lifestyle. Oh and apparently Zooey is playing in a tournament that parents aren’t invited to - no worries though, because Charlene and Frumpkis will both be present to cheer her on. FUCK. THAT. So Jo shows up anyway, and it’s fucking sad because Zooey is pretty much embarrassed of her and her enthusiasm, and bails to get noodles with her hoity toity new tennis friends. Small victory tho - Frumpkis has decided to fuck off of her bakery rights of ownership. YAS.

Delia confronts her boss like CAN’T YOU KEEP YOUR BITCH ON A LEASH, MAN?? And then he tells her that wifey wants her fired? And I’m just over here like “WELL TELL ~WIFEY~ IF THAT HAPPENS? I WILL SUE YOUR MICROPENIS ASS FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.” But Delia’s too busy zeroing in on the fact that he basically just admitted he is a SERIAL ADULTERER. And it like, literally makes her go deaf.

Abby goes home to find a fucking party on her patio - the Blood Sisters crew has stopped by to throw a shower for bedridden Becca and Abby’s just like, you have got to be fucking kidding me. She tries to write, but all the youngins outside are loudly reminding her that she’s not having ANY fun in life because Dr. Harris is a POS. So she decides to make him jealous by taking selfies with hot actors. 

She goes into the guest house to brag to Becca about how some dude is hitting on her, and Becca basically says that she’s nothing special and he’d stick his dick into anything with a pulse. Then Abby starts opening her presents for her and someone gave her the Girlfriends’ Guide to Growing Parasites book? She realizes for a brief second that maybe if she wasn’t so self-centered, it would have occurred to her to give this gift herself, but Becca’s like “It’s ok, you can just give me your autograph, it’s fine, I’M FINE.”

Phoebe drops by that artist’s loft unannounced, but it's cool because she brought frozen yogurt, right? WRONG. The guy totally fucking freaks out that his paintings of beautiful porn stars are being exposed. Also he is the pinnacle of social anxiety and awkwardness, he was basically half a virgin when she met him. So she spends like a whole day getting him to open up and not be so fucking weird, and then they end up screwing and despite him being super inexperienced apparently she had an unreal time. I mean, it happens I guess - I know for a fact I was legendary the first time I ever rode a dick.

This storyline is actually one of my all-time favorites on this show, I think it was so beautifully done and so honest. And Phoebe was so great and happy - I think her true calling is sex surrogacy or some shit, WHAT FUN.

Meanwhile, Jo is still freaking out that she almost let a Tinder dude choke-fuck her to death. So her hot chef invites her to his trailer for a beer (I almost didn’t recognize him - he was wearing CLOTHES, real CLOTHES!!) and I get all excited that they’re going to finally bone but they don’t - she just cries and he hugs her and I get all the feels so I don’t even care that they’re not getting action.

Delia shows up for her overnight at Abby’s, to find her schwasted on the patio? BITCH I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO WRITE~. But she’s too drunk to fully realize her hypocrisy. Delia’s like, “GUESS WHAT ALBERT IS A WHORE!!!!” and Abby’s like, “HEY! I HAVE ONE OF THOSE TOO!!” So she calls Carrrrrl, YUS. I am Team ‘I Want Abby To Fuck Literally Anyone Except Dr. Harris. And Jake.’

So she goes out with him and he brags about having a girlfriend? At first she freaks out but then he explains that they are super chill and have an open relationship, meaning he can keep his sick gig as an escort AND go out for drinks with hot babes like Abby who aren’t even clients. They start making out at the bar and I CAN TELL HE IS A GOOD KISSER, LISA E HAS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

AND HE’S SUAVE AS FUCK, PULLING HER CHAIR ACROSS THE BAR LIKE THIS OMG HE WOULD NEED NOAH’S ARK TO FIND MY VAGINA AFTER THIS.

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY SEX MONEY.

And then they go to a hotel to fuck and I feel so ROBBED by the fact that I had to watch her get pounded by that old human jackhammer last season but I see NONE of her sexings with Fucking Hot Carrrrl. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS INJUSTICE?!?! Next time we see them, they are already dressed again. Carrrrl tells her he is probs getting a house in the area because he name-dropped her to some acting agents? REMIND ME HOW SAYING “I GAVE A FOOT MASSAGE TO A BOOK AUTHOR” IS OF ANY IMPORTANCE OR PULL TO AN ACTING AGENT? Abby’s seriously butthurt and I don’t even feel bad for her because YOU WERE USING HIM TOO, so.

So she goes home to e-stalk Dr. Harris and cry some more. LOL.

Meanwhile, Delia is having a drunk convo with some actress and literally crying, but it leads to an epiphany that Albert’s bitch doesn’t ACTUALLY want Delia fired, SHE JUST WANTS HER HUSBAND’S LOVE OR SOMETHING. So Delia fucking HANDLES it like the award-winning lawyer that she is, and basically does mediation between them even though they’re not getting divorced lol. So she gets to keep her job I guess. CHA-CHING.

And then the episode ends with Becca deciding she wants to quit acting. Because this is what happens when women get pregnant, don’t you know?? They stop having goals and dreams and have to devote all their time to snot. She’s like “I didn’t care about what anyone at the party was talking about!!! Who’s screwing who, who quit work, I DIDN’T CARE.” And they most likely will not care when you post 10,000 baby pics on Facebook every day, so it’s fair. Anyway, they just stare out the window and contemplate all of their ~changes~ enveloped in their cozy first world problems.

---

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The X-Files: 10x01 - “My Struggle” Recap

OK so obviously if you’re reading this, you’re probably like me and still in UTTER FUCKING DISBELIEF that our babies are back after like the shittiest and emptiest decade of our lives. I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK, RIGHT? HERE, IN FRONT OF OUR FACES AGAIN. IN THE REALS AND NOT JUST THE SHITTY FANFIC I WROTE THROUGH TEARS. I CAN BARELY GRASP MY EXISTENCE RN.

SO the shiny new season starts with Mulder doing one of his dorky slideshows, except this time he just lays a shitload of real printed pics in a pile instead of using his sexy clicker thing. And it’s basically a 2 minute catch up for all the fucking invalids who like, have never seen this show. WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE, PEASANTS. If I were making the revival I would have had this scene just be a middle finger on the screen and text that read “PAUSE NOW AND TAKE A STROLL DOWN YOUR REMOTE TO NETFLIX. I’LL WAIT.” But actually I’m not even mad, because Fox Mulder here has culled a BEAUTIFUL SELECTION OF SHIPPER PICS WITH WHICH TO BETTER ILLUSTRATE:

So as I said… I’m not even mad.

And then this fire just ERUPTS in their selfie pile of love, and I cry, and we cut to some fucking UFOs flying about, idek. And then we get a brief history lesson of hieroglyphs and the bible. DON’T CARE, MORE CUDDLES PLS. And then there’s a bunch of stock footage of aliens that he probably bought for $29.95 + shipping. LOL followed by a reenactment of the Roswell crash that was probably really expensive. AND SPOILERS: THERE’S A CREEPY FUCKING ALIEN HAND INSIDE.

CUE CREDITS - WHICH ARE THE SAME AS THEY WERE IN THE 90′S (NOTE: NOT THE SHITE FROM SEASON 9) AND I NEARLY FUCKING CRIED OVER IT, THANKS. 

Now it’s 1947, and these bros gets off a bus all hurr durr~ like, to go traipse around the UFO crash site IN SEARCH OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL CADAVERS. But anyway, let’s move onto shit we care more about - THE BEAUTIFUL BACK OF SCULLY’S HEAD. AND SHE TURNS TO SLOWLY REVEAL HER PERFECT FUCKING FACE AND I HEAR ANGELS SINGING.

Apparently she’s a fucking ear surgeon now and she gets a call from Skinman, blah blah, I’m just still trying to process how beautiful and immortal she is. AND LIKE, I STILL HAVE NOT YET RECOVERED FROM HER BEAUTIFUL REVEAL, WHEN WE SEE THE BEAUTIFUL BACK OF MULDER’S HEAD, AND HIS SEXY HAND HOLDING UP A PHONE TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS “LIFE IS A PUNCHLINE” AND I’M JUST OVER HERE LIKE “I’D LIKE YOUR DICK TO PUNCH MY VAGINA LINE”.

AND SCULLY’S THE ONE ON THE PHONE, HOLY SHIT, SHE’S ALL “SKINMAN IS LOOKING FOR YOU, HE HAS TO HARASS ME INSTEAD OF CALLING YOU DIRECTLY, HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NUMBER BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING RECLUSIVE FREAK DON’T HATE ME FOR SAYING THAT, I LOVE YOU I LITERALLY HAD YOUR BABY.” ok so she doesn’t say all this shit, she basically just says that Skinner is looking for him and doesn’t know how to use any of his numerous FBI resources to get Mulder’s new contact info.

And then she’s like, “Have you been watching this tool named Tad O’Malley on YouTube? He reached out to us through the FBI.” And it makes total sense that the FBI would take some fear-mongering, political, new media “celebrity” seriously enough to reach out to former agents. And Mulder is just like, “Sure, I’ll pop a brewski with the dude” as if he didn’t go to great lengths to like, go off the grid or whatever the fuck he’s actually doing.

So the next day, Mulder takes an Uber (lmao) to meet Scully on some curb, AND THEY ARE TOGETHER AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH I’VE SEEN THIS CLIP LIKE A MILLION TIMES IN ALL THEIR PROMOTION, I’M STILL AAAAALL A-TINGLE. AND THEN THEY HAVE A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL CHAT:

Scullbags: “It’s good for you to get out of that little house once in awhile. (translation: You’re looking pasty af and you were already way too antisocial to begin with)” Muldycakes: “Certainly was good for you. (/ You’re looking fine as hell, 10/10, would smash)” Scullbags: “I’m always happy to see you Mulder. (/ I miss you even though you’re fucking nuts)” Muldycakes: “And I’m always happy to find a reason. (/ I need to lay the groundwork for our impending make-up sex, #gmangotgame)”

AND THEN THEY STARE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES AND I THINK THEY’RE GOING TO WHIP OUT THEIR GENITALS RIGHT THERE ON THE PAVEMENT BUT FUCKING SHITSTAIN ~TAD~ COMES ALONG TO COCKBLOCK, NO I DON’T WANT TO SHAKE YOUR FUCKING HAND.

That awkward moment when aliens are literally better wingmen than you.

ANYWAY, he practically forces them to get in his limo so he can whine about how paranoid he is and then fanboy Mulder a lil bit. And Scully starts immediately regretting turning down champagne. AND THEN SHE’S LIKE STFU KIDS THE X-FILES ARE CLOSED, “FOR BETTER OR WORSE, WE HAVE MOVED ON WITH OUR LIVES.” AND MULDER SAYS “YES WE HAVE. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.” AND I AM FUCKING CRAZY IN LIKE IMMEDIATELY LINKING THIS SHIT TO WEDDING VOWS?! LIKE THAT IS WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU MARRY SOMEONE, OK. WERE THEY FUCKING MARRIED?! I WANT TO BELIEVE.

Fucking Tad ruins shit again, he’s all, “I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE HAVING EYESEX RIGHT NOW BUT I WASN’T DONE COMPLAINING AND SKIRTING AROUND THE POINT I’M TRYING TO MAKE.  Which is that I’m going to blow open THE BIGGEST CONSPIRACY EVAR.” and Scully’s just like, “LOLLLL I’ve heard this song before.”

So he takes them to some bitch in Virginia who was apparently abducted multiple times - her name is ~Sveta~ and allegedly she’s the “key to everything”. She’s got craters carved into her stomach and if I lived in a house as gaudy as hers I would probably self-mutilate too. But she’s basically like, “ALIENS USE ME AS A BREEDER BECAUSE I HAVE ALIEN DNA I KNOW FOR A FACT EVEN THOUGH A DOCTOR HAS NEVER TOLD ME THIS.” And Mulder’s just like, I can’t believe I came out of hiding for this.

BUT THEN HE’S LIKE, “IS THIS SOMETHING YOU COULD TEST DANA?”

DANA

DANA

kjdsfh lkdjshf lksdhf laskdjhf aljdhf TPTB SO DID THIS ON PURPOSE JUST TO MAKE US LOSE OUR SHIT.

So she takes Sveta to ~the lab~ and Sveta’s bragging about her inconsistent telekinesis. And when this doesn’t impress ~Dana~, she starts shipping her and Mulder, YAS. And then she’s like, “You have a child together...” and Scully fucking stabs her in the arm and shows off her fierce Resting Bitch Face because it’s a sore subject:

HUZZAH, BITCH.

Now it’s 1947 again, and all these guys with guns are running around, tracing this like fucking alien blood trail, and then they happen upon this sexy little fellow who’s practicing his posing for Playboy:

All the filthy casuals get jealous of this rampant and otherworldly sex appeal, so they fucking shoot it to death. And its final words are “... Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. *coughs* *dies*”

Then Tad picks up Mulder in a fucking helicopter, and Fox is like, “Too bad YouTube wasn’t around when I was a vocal conspiracy theorist, goddamn.” Anyway, they go to some garage that has a spaceship inside, and it can turn invisible WOW.

Mulder looks like a little kid on Christmas, basically exactly how we all look right now watching this. And apparently they got the technology for this from the Roswell crash, just as everyone always suspected. IDEK.

Meanwhile, Scullster is all fucking paranoid now that she’s got alien DNA so she’s taking her own blood and this is another reason that she is a fucking hero - because if I had to take my own blood I would fucking pass out. Shitstain Tad barges in on her, because apparently they just let anyone into surgical areas at any time. OR maybe he’s just That Fucking Special™.

And he asks her if she misses The X-Files, and she’s like, “I PUT FAKE EARS ONTO EARLESS KIDS NOW, THAT’S MUCH MORE REWARDING EVEN THOUGH MY NEW COWORKERS AREN’T HOT.” And basically she’s lying and we know she misses it. And then he like, fucking asks her out or some shit? “I just wanted to see you again.” Die. Now she’s sipping on gin & juice in the back of his sweet ride like “my new conspiracy bf is rich as hell, lalala~”, WHATEVER.

Mulder goes to chat with Sveta about his new idea for a Youtube webseries so he can win back Scully’s affections. LOL jk, he just asks her about her stolen babies. I give zero fucks, I barely give any fucks about William, let alone some stranger’s seized infants. But basically she’s like “They weren’t even alien kidnappers, they were humans~”

So he calls Scully in a fucking PANIC, “I’ve been mislead, WE’VE BEEN MISLEAD!!!!!!!” he screams into the phone, as if this one bitch’s hearsay is enough to unravel his entire goddamn life, I do not understand. She’s like, “YOU’RE HARSHING MY BUZZ, MULDER” and he’s just like, “HOW CAN YOU PARTY DOWN WHEN EVERYTHING IS A LIE.” And I’m having flashbacks to Bad Blood Scully who’s all, “On what do you base THAT?” SERIOUSLY THIS ENTIRE DIATRIBE IS COMING LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE.

He says that Sveta is “THE KEY TO EVERYTHING”, and if that’s true WHY the FUCK would the government just let her roam the earth freely. Like I really don’t think they’d be that fucking stupid, but then again we live in a world where Donald Trump has a legitimate shot at becoming President so I don’t know anything anymore. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. WHAT EVEN.

So Mulder goes back to their old office to get ~in the mood~ to solve the case (if you even want to call it that), and someone has managed to clean up the entire thing save for the pencils in the ceiling and the IWTB poster. HOW CONVENIENT. So he busts in with the help of Skinman (who’s looking FINE as hell, btw) just so he can yell about the same stuff and RAGE-KICK HIS POSTER TO SHREDS.

FUCKING SACRILEGE.

And Skinman’s like, “There hasn’t been a day since you left that I haven’t reached for my phone to call you, Mulder.” And immediately Taylor Swift’s “I Almost Do” swells up in my ears, really, check it out. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BROMANCE.

Scully is watching the latest episode of Tad’s show, and he has decided to end with a segment on all of her heroic auditory surgeries?? Guy wants that HQ pussy BAAAAAD. 

Then Mulder goes to meet up with this awesome dude:

Who is basically like, “You’re close...” but doesn’t really give him any new info so it was pretty much just a shit waste of time.

So Scully goes to Mulder’s quaint little cabin to scream about how he hung up on her and was too busy chasing evidence to call her back, and it’s exactly like old times lol. He’s like “ALL THESE YEARS WE’VE BEEN DECEIVED” AND THEN THEY SPEND FIVE MINUTES LITERALLY YELLING ABOUT NOTHING. And he grabs her shoulders because this isn’t just nonsense, it’s fucking SERIOUS nonsense, and he says, “This is not an alien conspiracy, it’s a conspiracy of men!” Um, is this news?? Is this some great revelation?? Did I just make up all of those episodes where the government, not aliens, was fucking up all their shit??

And then Scully’s like “TAD O’MALLEY IS A CHARMING MAN, A PLAYER!!!!!” lol what. No, really, WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON. THIS DRAMA LITERALLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. I’M THINKING OF HAVING THEM EXAMINED FOR MENTAL ILLNESS, OR OR DRUG USE, OR MAYBE A MASSIVE HEAD INJURY. And she’s all, “You are on DANGEROUS GROUND, here.” Uh, HOW SO. Is him suggesting that maybe humans are deceptive, conspiring assholes THAT radical or “dangerous” of a notion? WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS DRAMA. And he’s all “I know what I’m doing.” CARE TO LET US IN ON WTF YOU ARE EVEN DOING BESIDES TALKING UNSUBSTANTIATED SHIT?

And then she just walks away lol. Tad shows up JUST IN TIME to convince her to stay because “it’s important”. So they all have a little powwow with Sveta to talk about sekrit conspiracies, and how Hiroshima made a wormhole for aliens to come through?? lollllllll OH and apparently aliens are our friends now, visiting to help prevent our destruction via their own “self sacrifice”. lol whut. But after all this new “knowledge”, he still has no idea wtf the end game is. He just knows that everyone is a dumb whore.

Tad jumps in like, “THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN HOARDING ALIEN TECHNOLOGY FOR 70 YEARS” - and again, is this supposed to be news to the X-Files universe? Oh and apparently global warming and all the idiotic arguments about it have been manipulated by satellites in the sky fucking with the weather so we all fight about it and the government can “take over America”.... as if the government does not already run America? BASICALLY they are like making us fat and dumb on purpose so we will be slaves or some shit lol. I mean, I don’t disagree with this “theory”, but I have no idea where it is coming from, everyone is just yelling.

And then George Bush pops in to tell me to go shopping. AS IF I NEEDED A REASON. Tad says that a “final takeover” is coming on a Friday, and I’m sorry if I don’t take this seriously because there was supposed to be some epic shitstorm on Dec 22, 2012 that apparently just.... didn’t happen? lol ok. But basically he’s going to preach all this shit on his show.

Scully’s like, “You can’t say this stuff. It’s fear-mongering. Oh wait, I forgot for a second that you’re a Republican.” And then she leaves, because fuck this guy. Before she storms out though, she turns around like, “OH AND BTW Sveta is not part alien. She’s just your regular old, run-of-the-mill lying bitch. SUCKAS.”

And then she trots off to the ear hospital, and instead of being a professional surgeon, she sits on the internet watching Tad O’Malley’s fucking exposé on “the truth” and all of its backlash. And Sveta is giving a fucking press conference about how she was full of shit and totally lying, and that Tad apparently “paid her to create stories of alien abduction” - again, operating on the assumptive that a random bitch merely saying “I was abducted” is Mulder’s actual holy grail. I SMELL A NEW NETFLIX HOLIDAY HIT - “MAKING AN ABDUCTEE: THE SVETA [INSERT LAST NAME] STORY”.

So of course Mulder loses his shit, “THEY GOT TO HER”, well honestly what the fuck did you think was going to happen. Amateur. So he goes to her house and SURPRISE, she’s fucking gone, just like all of the other “keys to everything” that he’s amassed over the years. Then we see the government or military or some shit blow up that invisible spaceship thing. And next time Scully googles The Tad Show, it’s a 404 error. WHUT. So she gets MILDLY freaked out but not that much, she knows the drill by now.

When she goes out to her car, someone has written “Don’t Give Up” in the dirt of her rear window, which is a nice change from the cliché “Wash Me”. 

As she’s staring at this, Mulder comes out of nowhere spouting some diatribe about the sixth extinction. And then Scully’s like, “...Whatever. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THOUGH. SVETA IS ACTUALLY PART ALIEN. AND SO AM I!!!!!” And he’s like “HOLY SHIT. YOU MEAN TO SAY I WAS STICKING MY DICK IN THE PROOF I NEEDED ALL ALONG?!?!” and she’s like, “BASICALLY.” And then Skinman sends them a group text about how they should all reconvene for a sexy XF bubblebath sometime soon. And we’re all like YAS.

The episode ends with Sveta getting blasted to shit by a spaceship, and the Smoking Man taking some puffs through his trachea-hole and looking like death, which makes sense since WE LITERALLY SAW HIM DIE ONCE AND FOR ALL, BUT YES I WILL PUT THAT VERY GRAPHIC SHOT OF HIS SKIN LITERALLY MELTING OFF OF HIS SKELETON OUT OF MY MEMORY FOR THE SAKE OF STORY AND THE BUZZ OF BRINGING BACK WILLIAM B DAVIS. 

AND HE’S LIKE, “We have a problem... they’ve reopened the X-Files.”

FUCK YEAH THEY HAVE.

---

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X-Files is COMING BACK so I'm going back through and letting you know what the fuck you missed. (Although if you haven't seen this show yourself, WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING EXCUSE, IT'S ON NETFLIX)

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1IvfxxHSzQ)

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Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce: 2x06 - “Rule #25: Beware the Second Chance” Recap

SO Abby’s fucking off to New York to try and sell a book she hasn’t even written yet, with the help of the fucking BAD ASS Carrie Fisher. The kids are with Jake, and Lilly is whinging on about this is supposed to be her private quality time with dad but Bun Bun is there existing and ruining everything like a total asshole. Abby’s just like, “That’s nice honey, la la I’m too busy getting drunk on free airplane champagne to give a shit~ la la” Jake gets a text saying that TMZ knows about the gluten-free bun in Becca’s oven, but he decides to wait to tell Abby because he knows what a big fan she is of secret-keeping and BOMBS BEING DROPPED.

The girls (sans Abby) go to a sweat lodge, which makes zero sense to me because they’re tiny as fuck and have literally no water weight to even lose, but fine - put yourselves in body bags, whatever. Jo’s not about this life and pleads for them to just “bitch at room temperature”, and Phoebe’s like TEMPERATURE?? MAYBE I’LL LEARN ABOUT THAT IN COLLEGE! BECAUSE I’M GOING TO COLLEGE. Apparently she’s taking a Women Studies class, because she is blissfully unaware of all the feminazis who inhabit that course and see it as a platform to make zero fucking sense. Delia’s like “Cool. BTW I’M MOVING IN WITH GORDON!!!” And the girls freak out like it’s news but last I checked, they bought a fucking house together, so....

Jo rage quits spa therapy so she can go to the bakery and meet the new Mrs. Frumpkis, who is the stereotypical, annoying af ~Southern Belle~ that I want to punch in the fucking farm-loving face. And she’s like “*SQUEAL* YOU SHOULD GET A MILK MACHINEEEE!” And Jo’s like, BARF, I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON ONE OF MY PHALLIC-SHAPED PASTRIES.

Abby lands in NY at her fucking book party or whatever, and SURPRISE, Dr. Harris is there! And Abby’s like “Thank FUCK I am adorable today, my tight sexy white jumpsuit is no match for this prick.” And he’s all, “I wrote a book about doing medicine and surgeries on poor people around the world!” CONGRATULATIONS, you’re still a manwhore shitbag! And then his optically-challenged girlfriend comes up and pretends like she’s never even heard of Abby’s super successful book series - BITCH DO YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK.  MAYBE A DR. HARRIS BALLSACK SHAPED ROCK? FUCK YOU. Oh and one more surprise - he and Abby are on a ~panel~ together. oH SHIT.

So some bitch in the audience of said panel stands up and asks Abby how she stays so thin - “Is it the Divorce Diet™?” And Abby’s like, “No, it’s called Veganism, asshole. I also get cardio from kickboxing losers like yourself right in the clavicle.” Then some fanboy stands up and is like, “I saw ur sexy tweets~ u guys banging?” Abby gets bashful and giggly as she waits for the Doctor to apologize and tell the entire world how hot she looked at prom, but he doesn’t - he just says there is nothing between them and god, add him to the list of people I want to fucking curb stomp today.

Delia goes to work and she’s so fucking embarrassed that she screwed her 3/10 of a boss that she quits the case she’s working on. She decides to tell Gordon about her mini-affair, but she pussies out at the last minute. And then she fucks her boss again, lel. This happens even after she sees his innocent and loving wife bringing him dinner and crying about how they never get to have dates anymore.

Phoebe goes to college and seriously these scenes infuriate me so fucking much, I am so glad I am done with college because the way campuses have changed means I would never make it out alive without murdering people. So anyways, all these tumblrinas bitch about “exclusionary” terms, and even get their own fucking strings of acronyms wrong, before the professor assigns them a project - draw themselves nekkid. OH ok then. Lemme just draw my middle finger because you’re a fucking PERVERT. If you want to see me naked, YOU can pay for the privilege, I don’t need to rack up student loans for that shit.

Back at the conference, Abby stalks the doctor some more and she’s all “♫ Why can’t we be friends, why can’t weee be friends? ♫” And he replies, “Because I want my dick to live in your moist lady cave.” Her eyes light up at the promise of getting laid, but just then, Jake texts on cue with the “emergency” that the world is going to find out about his second round of paternity. FUCKING SO?! NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM. But Abby actually turns down the promise of prime philanthropic peen to deal with this “ex drama”, what even?!

Jo goes to ~The Club~ with Frumpkis, Megan Hilty, and Zooey. Then, some trainer with a heavy accent comes up to flirt with the kid like a fucking pedophile and whisk her away to a tennis court, because apparently she’s some sort of rockstar unbeknownst to Jo. Frumpkis bails to go “watch”, leaving his ex and current wife alone together. And they finally drop the cheery bullshit - Charlene says she has soooo many ideas how to make the bakery great and Jo’s basically like, fuck you get your own bakery lol. And Charlene’s like, “Technically this IS my bakery because MY husband PAID FOR IT!!!” Delia steps in like “PREPARED TO GET REKT, FRUMPCUNT.”

At school, Phoebe hands in her assignment - she cleverly and creatively made a collage out of her old fashion spreads, and explains how she’s struggled through a super vain industry and was never treated like a real person. And all the bitches in her class are just like “You call yourself a victim? A rap song objectified my ass, my problems are bigger than yours!!!!!!” Because yes, there is only enough room in the world for one victim at a time. And then this other bitch is like, “I don’t understand how you can be a feminist AND a plastic person.” UM isn’t the point of feminism to give everyone the freedom (both physically and emotionally) to do whatever the fuck they want with their life or body and not be judged, or treated differently, or ripped to fucking shreds by other women because of it?? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE IF I’VE HAD BOTOX. So she eventually walks out, because ain’t nobody got time for dat.

Phoebe goes back to class the next day and she’s like YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS CREEPY AF. And her professor’s like, “You’re right, here’s an A.” LOL, ok. He gives her a book and they flirt a little, idek.

Meanwhile, Abby’s fucking killing it in another cute jumpsuit, making divorce jokes at a mixer before she gets a Facetime call from her family. So she goes in the bathroom so she’ll have privacy while she destroys her kids’ lives yet again - SEE, apparently it is HER job to tell the children about the souvenir they will be receiving from Jake’s recent trip to Whoreville. Spoilers: it’s not a t-shirt. The screen keeps freezing up, so they hear the news in fragments before Lilly finally understands what’s going on and bluntly spills the beans on the mechanics of sex to her five year old brother. LOLLL.

Abby gets a Self-Loathing Martini to cry into (although if it’s me, I’m celebrating because I just got out of a sex ed talk, YUS) and when people try to chit chat with her, she just goes off the fucking rails before Dr. Harris comes up to save her from her “emotional bulimia”. They’re about to kiss on the curb outside, but Abby’s just like FUCK YOU NO. So of course he calls her later that night to have phone sex. And she goes right along with it - she doesn’t want to KISS him, THAT’S GROSS, but she will sit and jack off to his voice. Makes total sense. (I know I’m talking shit but this scene is actually like one of my favorites ever, STOP IT).

The next morning she’s all smiley and flirty at the conference breakfast, but Dr. Harris is just being a fucking DOUCHEBAG still. He is pulling his same bullshit, looking over his shoulder at his stupid girlfriend and acting like he wants nothing to do with Abby... GO SUCK A FUCK, DOCTOR HARRIS. 

And then, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, their seats are right next to each other on the same return flight home lollllll. Abby tries to trade seats with a decrepit Real Housewife but this bitch is like “NO, THEN WHERE WILL MY CHIHUAHUA SIT.”  So Dr. Harris basically tells her to quit being a baby and they “don’t have to talk”... THEY JUST HAVE TO GO FUCK IN THE 2X2′ BATHROOM. This fuck-sesh brought to you by YOGA:

MILE HIGH CLUB, SHIT YEAH 🎉🎉🎉

She gets back to un-sexy reality - a messy kitchen and a bed that’s full of Bun Bun piss. FUCK. THIS. Lilly helps her change the sheets and asks if she’s okay with the fact that Jake knocked up another bitch. Abby’s like, “IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!1” And what’s left of Lilly’s sensitivity goes right out the window when she starts talking about how cute and beautiful ~Becca Riley’s Baby~ is gonna be. Allegedly, it’s going to be “tumblr-cute”. What. Abby’s like “WHATEVER, I HAD A TUMBLR-CUTE BABY FIRST. SPOILERS, IT’S YOU.” And then they hug and shit. So warm, much fuzzy.

—

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