Once upon a time in a far-off kingdom, there was a handsome king. He was fair of face and he cut a fine figure in his tailored suits and hats. Everyone who saw him loved him, for the finest of his virtues was his handsome beard. Children lined up in the throne room to stroke it, and folk far and wide longed to kiss the bearer of such a magnificent beard. It was not the longest beard in the land, but it was surely the best and most distinguished, and the handsome king took careful care of it, combing it daily with a golden comb and trimming it with golden scissors.
This king was also a master of magic, and it so happened that in his wondrous shaving kit, he had a magic mirror, in which resided an imp who knew all truths. For the price of a slice of pepperoni, the imp could be called upon to answer any question in the world. Pepperoni was a dear and scarce commodity, imported from distant lands, so the handsomely bearded king did not call upon his mirror-imp for many questions. One question a day was all he allowed himself, and thus it was so that every morning the king called for another slice of pepperoni, and bribed his imp into answering the question that was dearest to his heart.
"Mirror imp, mirror imp, in my hand
Who has the best beard in the land?"
The imp would take the pepperoni in his clawed hand and devour it, and once his demonic hunger had been sated, he would answer.
"You, my lord, have the finest beard in the land."
And the king was satisfied, and put his shaving kit away until the next morning.
It so happened that a young man was growing up in the village, and his name was Landon. In his youth, Landon had been just like any other ordinary boy, but as he became a man, fortune had begun to smile on him. He wholly passed over the awkwardness of adolescence, and was clear of eye and skin. He caught the eye of many a villager as he passed, and word began to spread, for Landon had grown a beard of uncommon glory and luster. For this his nickname became Tawny Cheek, and his birth name was forgotten entirely.
There was peace for a while, until Tawny Cheek reached the age of sixteen. His beard was silky and well-shaped, and he had many adoring suitors. His village increased their tourism revenue so much, they could fairly be called a hamlet, and it was all thanks to Tawny Cheeks. There was talk of throwing him a parade. Everyone loved him.
The king, however, had no knowledge of the handsome young man growing to maturity, so close within the confines of his kingdom. He was blissfully unaware of his rival (and so Tawny Cheeks of him), and, well, if fewer visitors came to admire him and his beautiful beard, he wrote it off as a product of the failing economy.
Still, the day was coming and at last arrived, when he took the fateful pepperoni slice from its silver platter and asked the mirror the fateful question.
"Mirror imp, mirror imp, in my hand
Who has the best beard in the land?"
He was not expecting what came next, once the imp had torn through the sausage slice and licked the last of the salt from his sharp little teeth.
"My lord's beard is fine, it's true
But Tawny Cheek has a better beard than you."
The imp had never answered differently, and the king could scarce believe his ears. He gaped in astonishment, and the imp disappeared back into the mirror.
"Come back!" the king roared, shaking the mirror. The imp did not reappear, and the king nearly smashed the glass in his fury. He could have called for more pepperoni, begged the imp to tell him more, but his sense returned slowly, and he decided he did not need his mirror-imp for something as mundane as this. Instead, he summoned his captain of the guard, a proud, loyal woman who had served him for many years, and demanded she scour the kingdom and bring him the boy called Tawny Cheek at once. He was determined to see this boy's beard for himself.
The captain of the guard rode forth, and it was not long before she discovered Tawny Cheek's hamlet. It was not hard, for they were in the middle of feasting and feting their golden boy, and he was surrounded by dancing women with ribbons and men trying to pour him cups of their best ales and pumpkin beers. When the captain of the guard announced herself and her intent, no one was very surprised. To them it seemed quite natural that the king himself had heard of Tawny Cheek's beauty, and desired to see him.
The captain herself was charmed by the boy, and allowed him to ride to the castle astride her own horse. She had no idea of the king's motive behind his request, only that she must get him there posthaste.
She brought him before the king, who acted bored and dismissive, alone of all his court. He did not show any outward sign of the jealousy burning like fire and ice inside his chest, and merely asked Tawny Cheek questions of his home. He then commanded that the boy be put in a guest chamber for the night, and dismissed him.
When night fell, the jealous king called the captain of the guard before him again, and commanded her to take Tawny Cheek out into the thick woods, and kill him. As proof, he requested that she bring back the boy's heart and his beard, and provided her with a silver razor with which to do the deed.
Heavy-hearted, the captain pulled the boy from his bed and cloaked him so that none might know what she had had to do. She hurried him far from the castle, riding as hard as her horse could go, and when they reached a desolate place deep in the woods, she bound him to a tree and prepared to do her duty. But Tawny Cheek looked up at her in despair, and pleaded for his life. He was so frightened and confused, and so handsome with the moonlight shining on his beard, that her heart melted. She cut his ropes and tucked the cloak around him, and bade him flee, deep into the forest where the jealous king could never find him. Tawny Cheek thanked her wholeheartedly and wasted no time in following her advice.
The captain, for her part, was at a loss at how she should return without suffering the loss of her job or her life, until she spotted a wild boar, wandering in the woods. She hunted it, and scraped its hide for bristles and cut out its heart. This done, she returned home in good conscience, and presented the king with her grisly deception. He was fooled, and rewarded her well for her service.
Tawny Cheek, meanwhile, ran all the night and into the morning, with the cloak around him tightly to keep out the chill. He did not know where he was, for he had never left his home before, and he was quite disoriented to have gone from being celebrated and brought before the king to nearly dying in the forest and becoming a fugitive. The woods were dark and unwelcoming, and he was too afraid to stop to rest.
When the sun had risen at last, he could run no more, and collapsed in a clearing, thinking, 'If I die here, at least I will die in the sun and out of the dreadful woods." Die he would not, however, for he had fallen nearly at the doorstep of a small cottage, and he crawled inside it.
Though he called and called, no one answered, and were it not for seven beds, clothes scattered about and dishes in the sink, he would have thought that it was abandoned; still, he was at last too tired to be frightened, and he dropped down onto one of the beds and slept and slept and slept.
The cottage belonged to seven sisters who were miners and craftswomen, and at that very moment they were away at market, selling the jewelry that they had made with the precious metals and gems they had brought up out of the ground. They had done very well, and were returning home with bundles of money and fine things they had bartered for. All seven were in a merry mood, but they were surprised to find their door open, and fell to arguing about who had left the door unlocked. Each sister insisted that it could not have been her, but at last the eldest gave up on the argument and crept inside, determined to find the trespasser.
The room was unchanged as far as she could see, until she got to the beds, and there lay Tawny Cheek, wrapped in his cloak and sleeping like a child. As she stared, he turned in his sleep, and she was struck by his beauty and the marvel of his beard.
"Sisters," she called, "look who I have found, it is a man who has crept in and slept in my bed." The seven women gathered around him and it was then that he awoke.
"Please, don't harm me!" he pleaded, and they assured him that they would not, provided he told them the story of how he came to be sleeping in the eldest sister's bed. Tawny Cheek obliged, and told the story of how he had been taken from his happy life in his home village and had met the king, who had ordered him killed. The sisters concluded that the king had been jealous, and offered to keep Tawny Cheek safe in their home, if he would agree to take care of their house and cook their meals while they were away in the mines. To this he gladly agreed, and with living arrangements settled, the sisters promised they would treat him as a brother, for they had never know what it was like to have one.
The king, meanwhile, was comfortable in the belief that his captain of the guard had killed his bearded rival, and for a time did not even consult with his mirror imp. When he did, however, he was in for a nasty surprise, for once again, when he asked his question, the answer was not what he wanted to hear.
"Mirror imp, mirror imp, in my hand
Who has the best beard in the land?"
"My lord's beard is fine, it's true
But Tawny Cheek has a better beard than you."
And the king raged, and knew now that he had been deceived. He despaired, for he could not trust even his faithful captain of the guard.
"I have only you in this whole world," he declared to his mirror, "and even you demand your price. Very well." With these words, he summoned his servants and the pepperoni, and demanded another answer of the imp.
"Mirror imp, mirror imp, hear this sound
Tell me where Tawny Cheek can be found"
The imp was pleased to receive another tribute of pepperoni, and replied,
"Past darkest thicket and farthest field
There Tawny Cheek lies concealed
He lives with sisters seven, miners and smiths
Seek out their cottage and you'll find him forthwith."
The king was cruelly pleased to have discovered where Tawny Cheek had hidden, and knew the boy would never be able to go where his mirror imp could not find him. As long as he could keep finding rhyming couplets for questions, Tawny Cheek was as good as his.
He stayed all day in his chambers, and by use of magic disguised himself to look like a salesmen, and he sought out the cottage in which Tawny Cheek lived with the seven sisters. They were preparing for another market day, taking ruby necklaces and silver crowns in chests and they each kissed Tawny Cheek on the forehead as they went, with sisterly affection. The king watched until they were out of sight, and then he hung a basket over his arm and went a-knocking on the door.
"Gentleman's wear for sale!" he called, and Tawny Cheek came to the door and opened it, peering out with confusion and a bit of suspicion. When he saw the salesman, he relaxed, thinking that the man looked honest enough.
"Good man, what do you have for sale?" he asked, for his new sisters were all very well dressed, and he felt he should match them.
"Why, I have the finest of silken ties here, which no good sir should be without," the false salesman replied, and displayed a colorful selection of beautiful silks. "Here, sir, this lush green one would look well under your beard, would you care to try it on?" Tawny Cheek, suspecting nothing, let the man in and allowed the salesman to place the tie around his neck. As soon as this was done, the king tightened the knot and cut the breath from Tawny Cheek's throat, and the boy fell down as if dead.
"Now your beard will no longer be the finest," the wicked king said, and cast off his disguise and hurried home.
At sunset the sisters returned, and were much dismayed to find Tawny Cheeks lying senseless on the floor. They lifted him up and felt his face, and upon determining the source of the problem, cut the tie from around his neck. He began breathing again, and the sisters were much relieved. Still, they warned him, "This must have been the king's doing. You must be careful, Tawny Cheek, and not fall for such tricks again while we are out."
The king, upon returning home, went straight to his mirror, and asked it,
"Mirror imp, mirror imp, in my hand
Who has the best beard in all the land?"
and once again the imp replied,
"My lord's beard is fine, it's true
But Tawny Cheek has a better beard than you."
And the king cursed and stormed, and knew that Tawny Cheek must have evaded death. He resolved to try again, and this time had a small comb fashioned from an elegant tortoiseshell, and dipped it in a paralyzing poison. This he set in a new shaving kit, and after disguising himself as a barber, went out again.
Just as before, he waited for the sisters to leave for a market day. As they embraced Tawny Cheek in farewell, they said, "Remember to be careful while we are gone, little brother, and let no one come in." But no sooner had they vanished on the horizon, the phony barber moved in, and began loudly advertising trimmings, shavings, and hairstyling, all for a very low price.
"I am sorry, but I cannot let you in," Tawny Cheek replied, "for the seven sisters have made me promise to let no one in." He looked out longingly, for he had not been able to trim his beard since living with the sisters. They had not thought to provide him with a razor, having no beards themselves.
"They are ladies, they don't want you looking like some kind of savage beast. Surely they would not begrudge you a simple grooming?" asked the cunning king. "Look, you don't have to let me in. You can come out, and I can do my work out here in the sun." He displayed his wares, and Tawny Cheek, simply trusting, agreed, and stepped outside.
The king removed the small comb from his kit and began to comb Tawny Cheek's beard as if in preparation to trim it, but as soon as the comb's teeth touched his facial hair, the poison took effect. Once again Tawny Cheek collapsed, and the king hastened away, saying as he did so, "Surely this time you will no longer trouble me."
Of course, at sunset the sisters returned to find Tawny Cheek lying on the ground yet again, and they called his name and shook him. In doing so they shook the comb free, and it bounced on the ground and he returned to life.
"This is surely the work of the evil king- we told you to be careful!" The sisters chastised him soundly, for they had become fond of him, and feared to see more ill done to him by the jealous king. "Next time we go out, you must not let anyone in, and you must not go out yourself. Be careful, dear Tawny Cheek, and you will no longer be deceived!"
The king stood before his mirror yet again and repeated the magic phrase. And again the imp denied him, and the king's anger grew. Why could the boy not just die like a proper person?
"I will end Tawny Cheek, yes, even if it is the last thing I do," the king swore, and this time he resorted to darker methods yet. He retreated to his most secret chambers, and took one of the precious pepperoni sausages he kept around for feeding the imp. Half he poisoned, and this half he wrapped in red foil- the other half he wrapped in white. Then he disguised himself as an old woman, a meat-seller, and when he was satisfied that his falsetto sounded all right, he set out again, determined this time to make an end of Tawny Cheek for good.
"We will be back upon sunset," the sisters promised Tawny Cheek, kissing him sweetly on his forehead. "Remember, stay in the house, and no matter who comes to the door, do not let them in and do not go out until we come home!" Thus saying, they took their sparkling wares and left, with many a backward glance. Well they might have feared, if they had known what mischief the king was planning!
In his oldest falsetto, he called out, "Fine meats for sale, meat for sale!" And Tawny Cheek, who was preparing a good meal for the sisters to eat when they arrived home, was sorely tempted to purchase something, but he called out, "I am sorry, ma'am, but my seven older sisters have made me promise not to let anyone in or go out myself. Perhaps you could come back when they're home?"
"Surely you don't think I mean you harm?" croaked back the king, slyly. "I'm just a harmless old woman. I bet your sisters would like some fine pepperoni! It is from a distant land, and tastes very good with bread and cheese." Tawny Cheek had never tasted pepperoni, but still he called out, "I'm sorry, I cannot."
The king was not done yet, however. "You don't have to come out and I don't have to come in," he cajoled. "Come to the window, pretty boy, and if you are afraid of poison, I will eat a slice of it and you can try a slice from the same roll." This seemed agreeable to Tawny Cheek, who was very hungry and who thought the pepperoni smelled better than any other meat he'd had. And upon seeing the old woman eating a slice of the very same pepperoni, he stretched his arm out the window and took a slice. Scarcely had it passed his lips, however, it affected him, and he fell down dead upon the floor.
The king laughed meanly. "This time you will not escape, Tawny Cheek!" he crowed, and then threw off his disguise and became once again the bearded king, and hurried back to his mirror in triumph. And this time the imp did not disappoint, and finally answered,
"You, my lord, have the finest beard in the land." And the king was satisfied, and relaxed in his chair beside the fire and stroked his beard proudly.
Now the sisters were returning home, and a third time they found their dear Tawny Cheek unconscious on the floor. And though they checked his hair and beard, and loosened his clothes, he remained so, and the sisters shed many bitter tears, for they could not return him to life.
They resolved they should bury him, but could not bring themselves to do so, for he was still as handsome as ever, and merely looked as though he were asleep. So they dressed him like a prince, in green silk they'd traded for, and on his brow they set a golden crown. He was the handsomest they'd ever seen, and they cried and swore to love forever their adopted brother, and they created for him a crystal casket that allowed them to look forever on his beautifully bearded face.
Some time passed, until one day a real prince was riding through the woods, and came upon a crystal casket containing the most handsome man he'd ever seen in any kingdom, with a beard to outshine any man's. And the casket was guarded by a weeping woman in white, for the sisters took it in turns to sit with Tawny Cheek's body.
"Miss, could you tell me the story of yonder handsome man in the casket, who seems as if he is sleeping?" the prince asked, and she told him all the tale of how Tawny Cheek had come to live with them, and been murdered by the jealous king.
The tale greatly moved the prince, and he grieved alongside the sisters, for he had never known what it was to love another until he came along Tawny Cheek lying still in the casket. And now his true love- one he had not known he had until this moment- lay dead in a crystal box, and would never more awake.
He begged the sisters to sell him the casket, and they refused- for what need had they of gold and precious things? And when that failed, he begged them to simply give him the casket, for he could not bear to be without it. The sisters were touched by his overflowing love, and to this they agreed. The prince loaded Tawny Cheek's casket onto his horse, and made his sad way home as the sisters wept behind him.
Now, in between the sister's forest and the prince's home kingdom lay a large river, and gargantuan storms had swelled the river to a raging torrent. The prince decided to ford, but his horse was skittish, and bucked and shied and would not enter the water. In trying to calm the beast, Tawny Cheek's casket was flung into the water and tossed about, and thrown on the opposite bank.
The prince, distraught, rushed over to find the crystal lid cracked, but the force of the river had thrown the poisoned pepperoni from Tawny Cheek's mouth, and now he arose from the casket, heavy-eyed and handsome and very much alive. The prince was overjoyed, and knelt beside Tawny Cheek and told him all that had occurred. He declared his undying love, and promised that they should be married, and that the seven sisters would come to dance at the wedding.
Tawny Cheek was not unhappy at this turn of events, and the wedding was prepared with much splendor.
They invited the kings and queens of the neighboring lands, and the jealous king as well. He prepared for the wedding and asked of his mirror his customary question, and this time the imp replied,
"My lord's beard is fine, it's true
But the new-made king has a better beard than you."
The jealous king raged and feared, and he would not have gone to the wedding, but he was desperately curious, and so he resolved to go and find out who this new king was. When he arrived, he recognized Tawny Cheek, and was so frightened that he tripped over a waiter, and fell down a flight of marble steps, breaking his neck.
Satisfied that now the wicked king had met his just end, Tawny Cheek and his new husband enjoyed their marriage, and the seven sisters gifted them their crowns and scepters, and danced merry dances at the wedding.
#cats of tumblr
#lana del rey
#horror movies
#the pitt
