Casey - Phosphenes
I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes
Grows varicose as gentle light
Starts filtering through fractured blinds
That shade the world from me.
You’d always watch me as I’d wax and wane,
Fluoxetine and slow decay
Dependence on a medicine is Hell without relief
I am bereft of the ineffable affection I feel I am owed
My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show
For years I spent in isolation
For chemicals that took the place of
Fleeting moments in which I found reprieve from misery
And it seems the only solace I’m afforded is now
Instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep
I guess progress really isn’t want I thought it would be.
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade
After another collapse, I’m left to contemplate
If I’m really getting better,
Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart.
My dichotomy has always been
That I’m scared of burdening those who love me
But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely.
But maybe it’s all in my head
The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches
It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay.
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade
After another collapse, I’m left to contemplate
If I’m really getting better,
Or if I’m just numb to the feeling of falling apart
