→ what the fuck, richard? // @glcsowy // closed starter
dying was a peculiar thing , nothing like how the church had described it or tv portrayed it . it was just sudden in a way . one minute he was AWARE - he could tell it was happening , but not because he had just been grievously wounded - then the next there was NOTHING . nothing at all . for once in his life , eddie had witnessed COMPLETE SILENCE . no whining from his mother or his wife , no constant calls from work , or the screams of drivers and the busy nights of new york . even moments before he passed , it was loud . he could forgive them though . he could ALWAYS FORGIVE THE LOSERS - a bold and brave statement but he stood by it .
he trusted them more than he had ever trusted anybody . and , still , he never trusted them as fully as he should have . because , even when he was himself with them ... he was never his TRUE SELF . of course , there is a time and place for everything but he could never find the time and place for some things . and he died never telling them the whole truth . lied to their faces a little too . unhappily married , in a career he didn’t particularly enjoy - sure , eddie wanted to go home as soon as he had arrived in derry , but he quickly realised that HE WAS HOME WITH THEM . and , well , eddie was really all talk . he always had been - except when richie asked him if he was leaving and it was stupidly easy to nod and agree . then , if richie did do it ... he would have . just as he always did what richie said .
richie ... richie was the last fucking thing eddie ever thought of . not the fact that he was gonna die and his wife may never know the truth of his death , or even his life . not the fact that his life had been a fucking waste and a huge lie . BUT , RICHIE FUCKING TOZIER . then again , richie was the first person he thought of . and for years , so many years , eddie lied to himself about this weird love he had for the all too familiar comedian . put on a show of complaining in front of myra , laughed it away . mocked his jokes , made a jab that maybe the guy was actually gay - which apparently was MORE OUT OF HOPE than anything . and now as he watched the other , eyes following the knife as it dug out wood from the fence , eddie thinks that maybe he had been right . he maybe wished he had figured it out when he was seventeen . when he eventually stopped with his hopeless crush on big bill and realised that maybe he was A LITTLE IN LOVE with that curly haired idiot instead . it was too late for anything at all now though . even if he were stood behind him , pulled from the darkness and silence to ( as people liked to say ) deal with UNFINISHED BUSINESS .
“ i always hoped that was me , you know ? ” he decided to finally say . hadn’t really thought about whether or not richie would be able to HEAR HIM , or even SEE HIM , but he had to say something . get them truths out . work on that unfinished business . “ i think it was like ... ‘91 , maybe ‘92 ? had to escape the house and i saw it , not for the first time but in a new light , and i got my hopes up . and , well , we both know that i never dealt with the whole feelings thing well and that’s why i ignored you for like a month nearly when we were seventeen . ”
