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The Blessing in it All (from the semester)

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Psalm 31:3. This past fall semester was amazing! I witnessed such growth, especially in the girls' halls (as that's where I am most of the time). I was a part of beautiful exchanges of testimonies and stories that seemed to always be happening for weeks on end. I loved the constant prayer and the random worship sessions. There was never a week where I didn’t have someone genuinely asking things like, “How can I pray for you?” “What are you struggling with?” “What are any burdens I can help you carry or take to God with you?” I grew close(r) to some pretty Godly ladies. He has blessed me so greatly with them!

Before the start of the semester and throughout, I prayed for a lot of things I know I needed to continue letting God strengthen and deepen within myself: More patience in areas I need it; a greater gentleness and presence of peace; to be the leader God is calling me to be; and, to have a faith like Job's (are a few). Whatever I was asked to do I wanted to have the faith to act with no hesitation and no matter what tragedy of sorts came to be I never wanted to curse God’s name but praise Him in the storm!.... I wanted to be pushed… I wanted so much less of myself, especially if I was going to step into leadership; it was God who needed to be seen.

"The holier a man becomes, the more he mourns over the unholiness that remains in him."

- C.S. Lewis In all honesty though, this semester was also pretty brutal. It was filled with more physical pain and sickness than any before. It was a vicious cycle. The pain wore my body down and so I would get sick, being sick would wear my body down and so I would be in extra pain... [repeat]. So - I was worn down. I felt so impatient with myself. This is when I realized that the areas I needed patience was not with others but with myself. I allow God's grace to shine through to another but I realized I did not allow that same grace to be extended upon myself.

Self-reliance. I am a lover of it. To ask for help with simple things I believe I should be able to do on my own is a dreaded task, even to ask God for His strength.. Why can't I just do it... Just go on a run; Just walk to class; just get out of bed...

The added fibro fits caused added fibro fog (I have mentioned these in previous posts). The ability to remember, anything, was a rarity; forgetfulness of simple words was common. I would even find myself saying the words in my sentences backwards… oy! The confidence just to speak was diminishing pretty quickly. I felt like my body and brain were deteriorating as though the inside of me was on fast forward and I was a 21 year old with a 110 year old body/brain. The Blessing In all the pain came extra stillness (not always voluntary, but needed). Deepening Patience. Out of that stillness came a greater love and appreciation for God’s provision (I NEED God’s strength – I AM weak). Gently humbled. God was providing strength for every day; God provided the words I needed to say when He wanted them said; God helped me out of bed in those mornings I didn’t think I could; God always will. Strengthening Faith. Out of that greater trust of provision came an overflowing abundance of God’s peace – Let GO. Let GOD. When I let God do the providing I am also giving up the lead (need for control) on my life. As I’ve said before, there is SO much freedom in not having control. And, when God does the leading, I am a much better leader to those God wants to impact using me as His instrument. God is the producer of things He wants me to give, and the provider of all things He knows I need. I need to come to Him for both. When His instruments are “in tune” and following the pace and rhythm of the conductor, the better His instruments contribute to the ensemble - The Body - as a whole. [Hebrews 11:40] The days I am so fed up with the pain and mindlessness are the days that I come to Christ MORE than the days/weeks/months before when I wasn’t in quite as much pain. The blessing in the pain is that I get to come to God and lay more down at His feet. I believe I rely on Him more in every moment than I would if I wasn’t struggling. [Psalm 5:3] Beauty & Praise I don’t think God is striking me with immense pain to teach me lessons and answer my prayers, but I know He could take it away while it still grips tight. I praise my Beloved because of my need to cling to Him. My need to come to Him is great and I am constantly reminded. Praise Him because I can come to Him and call on His Holy name because He calls me His daughter. If I didn’t need His strength I wouldn’t know how powerful and beautiful it is! If I didn’t need Him, I wouldn’t know the greatest unfailing love. [Psalm 27:8] There is beauty in the struggle and we all have a struggle of some sort; some physical, some emotional, some spiritual… (what are yours?) and we all get to lay it down at His feet and be overwhelmed by the greatest _______. Love. Peace. Strength. [Psalm 34:1-6.] I praise Him that, because of the stillness, I know His voice. I know when He calls me out and when He calls me in. When He calls me out – to move – He gives me the strength and the words I will need to fulfill what He’s asked of me. When He calls me out – to be reminded – He doesn’t let me stray too far from Him. I remember being on a cleaning frenzy from stress and in the middle of the madness I was reminded, “Beloved, what are you doing? Come to me.” When He calls me in – I have so much to praise Him for because of all His provision… and, everything. - Sometimes in the midst of a struggle, it's good to have a reminder that: in all things God works for the good of those who love Him (Rom. 8:28). Every struggle continues to mold us. Rely on Him. Trade Him agony for peace, He wants us to come to Him. I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18. Merry Christmas. Thank you, my God, for sending your son. I can come to you so freely and call on your Holy name. My pain is nothing compared to what Jesus endured for me; pain I will never have to face and never understand. Thank you, God, for putting a thirst within me, and thank you, God, for being the only One to quench it. -alliee-daughteroftheking

#fibromyalgia #god'sstrength #god'sprovision #faith #blessing

A successful run. :) I was even able to accomplish a 100m lunge-walk. And the sprinklers coming on afterwards - ahhhhmazing!

#accomplishment #God'sStrength #praisegod #dominatingfibro #praiserun #glorytogod #nopain #godisgood #refreshing

Fibro Fog

My phone says it's sixty-four degrees outside; the perfect running weather. Today I am determined to go for a successful run. It will determine how effective all my hard work has been this summer, though I haven't had a pain-free run since seventh grade. I've been trying to get back into shape and slowly gain flexibility back, and goodness do I miss running! I hope to one day be able to partake in this well, and if not now, then in heaven. For the past few days, my fibro has kicked my butt, and brain, but today I am determined to kick it back.

Ah, fibromyalgia. My diagnosis after years of wondering if I was crazy; I looked perfectly healthy on the outside but man, was I in pain - constantly. My Doctor recently described it to me like this in a condensed version after giving me a ten page article on it:

Picture a knob on the back of everyone's heads. This knob controls pain. A normal person's knob is always resting on zero unless something happens to cause them pain, then their knob will move to maybe three or four. A person with fibromyalgia will have a knob that is already always resting on three or four. So for a person with fibromyalgia to have a pain level of six or seven, it doesn't take as much to put them in that much pain as a normal person who's knob is resting on zero- they have farther to go. So what could put me in tears is very mild to a punch that a normal person would have to endure for them to have as much pain.

By the time I had seen this Doctor, I had already done my own research to learn more about what had seemingly taken over my life, and experimenting to see what increases pain, and if Anything could take even a little bit of it away. Thankfully, I have a God who gives me strength.

Bread (gluten/flour), stress, exhaustion, too much physical exertion, and sensory overload (a common fibro symptom), are what sends my body into what I call a 'fibro-fit'. This is when my pain is at its worst and intolerable. I can't move because every muscle is tensed and inflamed. This causes difficulty breathing, moving, relaxing (which is what you need to aim for when you're going through one of these), just pain, everywhere. Though there are many other factors that can send those with fibromyalgia into such a fit. One of the many major problems with fibro is that, the symptoms, causes, and effects are so vast and wide ranging - different from person to person who suffers with fibro. Fibro Fog, the name of this post, is based upon what many folks with fibro complain about. Because our brains are already being bombarded with constant pain signals and releasing chemicals because of these signals, our brains are basically on overdrive most of the time. This causes 'Fibro Fog', forgetfulness of words, conversations and tasks at hand; feeling like you're in a cloud (an unpleasant one); not being able to think clearly.. so on. Sometimes these fogs last for hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Unfortunately, ever since a bad side effect from a medication for Fibro, I have been stuck in this fibro fog for a year and a half, and I sure do miss thinking clearly and speaking like a normal person! Quite the confidence defeater sometimes.

So, this blog will be about my walk with my Beloved. How the Lord has brought me intimately close to Him because of this struggle, and has helped me know what it means to be humbled, time and time again. The lessons I've learned through fibro are precious and a blessing. While fibro is a true pain in my butt, as many other places, God has turned it into a beautiful work in my life, even on the days I don't believe that myself. Don't let fibro defeat you, with God, you can and will defeat fibro. - alliee-daughteroftheking

#fibromyalgia #God'sstrength