Daughter of the King

Living in the Presence of my Beloved

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Designed As I Am

God has really been working with me to share my struggles. As an introvert, I love to observe and reflect far too much. I'm always taking things in, but never letting things out. The end of this past semester, the Lord had to remind me there is such a beauty in intimate fellowship. We are supposed to encourage and build one another up! But how are we supposed to do that if nobody is allowing anyone to come along side them to do so...? We are losing an intimate and beautiful aspect of fellowship that desperately need not be lost.

Then I remembered what I created this blog for: to talk about life with Christ! LIFE with Christ as I live in His presence; I sure cannot say I am free from struggle in this life, so why not let Christ be glorified through the testimonies of such. I will say yet again, There is JOY in the PAIN. So let there be joy! - because Romans 8:18.

I have always wanted to go out of the country. "Lord send me here! Lord send me there! I am willing, send me, Lord! Lord, please?"

....

As more physical ailments have set in - that are still with unknown causes - I realized... The Lord has already sent me. I am right where I was designed to be. I have been begging the Lord to help with what I thought I needed to do, but I was (and am) already doing what He planned for me to. I wanted to go far, get caught in wanderlust while spreading His good news in every place except where I already was.

While I wanted to go over seas, God pointed to the highway. "This, travels far. This, is where too many young people from all over the world are forced to travel far. You have a passion to be a fighting advocate for children, you have a passion to fight against human trafficking, My righteous anger burns in you about both; I have placed you as a counselor and you are on my path to do just that."

It's funny, how the Lord works - we know this. I have always said most of my life, "I absolutely love kids! (teaching swimming lessons, interning at a behavioral specialist organization, etc.), but, I never want to work with kids." I never really asked myself why - Why I wanted to put aside a passion that was clearly there; being put in place for the kingdom of God!

I rejoice in how His plans are always greater than my own. But, the struggle? I will never understand why I seem to come into so many physical ailments. A friend of mine and I have joked about writing a list of all the things that are 'wrong' with me, but I just remember Romans 8:18 over and over. God always uses these physical ailments for His glory, and that glory that will be revealed is NOT worth it to compare to the present sufferings. I have seen just glimpses of His glory revealed in my suffering, and He blows my mind within the pain (with just those glimpses!). I cry out to Him, "God, please reveal to me why!" And I get the familiar response, "You are as I have designed you." My ailments have taught me to rely on my Jehovah Jireh so much more deeply over the years.

With all of that being said, I ask you to pray. With each semester that goes by, the older I seem to get - obviously - but I seem to be a twenty-something living in a ninety-something year old body. My doctor tells me that I am too young to be getting all of these old people problems, and that by the time I am up there in years, I will have lived with it all for so long and have figured it out by then, that I will be the best in-shape old person to have lived. Nonetheless, I still look forward to being able to sleep again! And to not be in as much pain, as this has been an ongoing occurrence since January-February; well, almost half of my life, really.

 -alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Dwell

After fall break back in October, my nights became long and difficult.  I would be exhausted all day and then once my head hit the pillow at night, I would lay there for hours thinking about anything and everything.  I wish I could say, though, that I was only thinking.  Reality is, I was laying their battling anxiety and being plagued with fear.  I would worry about school, future decisions, really future decisions, all the papers and group projects that were piling up the closer Christmas neared.  I worried about family and my extended family; the health of my family both physically and spiritually, along with their safety.  I worried about the friends who were battling their own fears and I wondered how they were doing spiritually in the face of them.  I worried about worrying –really, I did – as sad as that is to say.  The worry was crippling, ridiculously so.  I hate to admit these things, but I took a beautiful journey out of it.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving break, I came down with the stomach flu (I think that’s what it must have been).  I lay in bed for three – four days; frustrated at all I should have been doing with school work but did not have the energy or strength to do so.  I felt time was being wasted, but the longer I lay in bed the more humbled I became.  The less I am capable of accomplishing any task on my own, the more humbled and reliant on God I finally become.  I realized this was happening as this is how God brings me back to Himself when I begin to stray a little too far; He reminds me I need Him and He brings me back into stillness.  I thank Him so much for these moments yet feel ridiculous at how He must do so.  That night before bed I asked God to show me the root of my anxiety.  Why was I finding it so hard to hand over my fears to Him even though I prayed and prayed to be released from them?  Why was I struggling with my entirety to find myself still before Him?  You see, it’s cool, how God knows me – how He knows us.  He knows how to reach to us and bring us back to Himself; I thank Him for never letting me stray too far at all, as often as I seem to do so.  That night He showed me the root of anxiety; the core of my fear.

I was walking through the chaos with a group of friends.  I was looking for something; it seemed I was looking for everything, really.  I was so confused and crying out to everyone, trying to balance all that I was carrying and know the location and well-being of everyone I could not see right in front of me.  It seemed I was at a circus – I hate circuses – there are clowns there.  I was in a panic.  Whatever I could see was disorienting and as I moved closer, those things were not as they had originally appeared.  Everything had a fun-house effect and I was sure not having fun.  My friends kept disappearing and I grew more anxious the less I saw them.  Finally, in the middle of the room, a person held up a phone and yelled for my name – “Allie! Phone call!”  I ran to the phone and instantly knew who it was and who I wanted/needed to hear… “Poppa?! Poppa?! Abba, Abba?!”  I could barely make out His words but His voice was that of peace and calm and I felt the storm settling around me as I listened in to hear Him more clearly.  I struggled at first to hear Him at all, and as my ears became more acutely attuned to His voice and His words became more consuming of my focus – I woke up.

My anxiety issue was not an anxiety issue at all, but a pride issue.  I was deep in sin of my own pride by wanting all the control of everything-Everything.  My pride kept me from trusting God, which is why I could not seem to lie down my anxiety and fears before Him, because I was not handing over my pride that kept those things in the place they pridefully resided.  And, I could not see it because I was so consumed by the juggling act that God had to show me my fault; call me out and call me home.  Satan knows my inner battle, how to snatch my thoughts and bring me so that I destroy myself.  I barely allow Satan to do any of the work because I so easily walk into the snare and then roll around in the quick sand.  All he has to do is whisper a single worry, a single fear, and my mind is off – on its own – away from God.  I laid down my pride before God, and the anxiety and fears followed with it.  There is so much freedom when God has control.  Unfortunately, this is a lesson I seem to have to re-learn in new areas each year.  First, it was trusting God with my own physical strength, then, my own emotional well-being, next, financial security, and now; it has been learning to trust Him with those things that are external to myself and completely out of my control – where they should be!  When something feels completely out of your control, praise God, because it is completely in His!

In the perfect timing of things, I found myself immersed in Isaiah 37 a night later.  Holy buckets the goodness of God!  I watched as Hezekiah received a great burden, far greater than any of my own anxieties had been, and immediately he prayed (14-20).  By the time verse 36 and 37 came around I could not believe myself.  I had been trying so fervently to keep control of things myself, to keep them away from a God who provided for Hezekiah’s prayer by literally destroying an army coming against him.  When I say army, I mean one-hundred and eighty-five thousand men.  That’s an army.  That is a great burden – many great burdens.  And yet, Hezekiah took it immediately to the Lord instead of trying to come up with a plan on his own.  Look at how the Lord is faithful!  Be reminded and rejoice.  To not have complete, unwavering trust in my Lord… humbled again.

Praise God for how He does not let us stray too far from Him.  Praise God for His lessons, for refinement, and for humility.  Praise God for He is faithful; He is the Almighty; He is my shelter and my strong tower; He is my Everything; My Abba Father; My Lord - and I am His. - allieedaughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Let the Redeemed of the Lord queso, queso!

While the title of this post is a funny inside joke from a misunderstanding during a worship song, sometimes this is the song of my taste buds… Queso… Pizza… Chocolate covered anything… S’mores… chicken pot pie… Chocolate chip cookies… Raisin nut bran… Oreos… Mashed potatoes with brown gravy… Pie… French bread… OH and molten lava cake (my fave)… Sometimes these things make my mouth water and stomach twist in a knot just at the sight or smell of them… but it’s worth it.

I am not going to say I’m on a diet, because I am not trying to do what the connotations of being on a diet entail. Rather, I have changed my life in drastic ways. And if you are in any amount of constant, chronic pain and are wondering if a change of diet would be helpful, let this post be of encouragement to you - even though I have not started it off sounding as such.

I have dealt with fibromyalgia since I was fourteen; the intensity of pain has only kept increasing over the years. To sum up what fibro feels like with a few examples: doctors tell me to explain it as feeling like I have the flu…. all the time; it has been mistaken for MS, mono, arthritis, etc. Basically it’s not fun. But I am not here to complain, because if you have read some of my previous posts, you know I have found great thankfulness, joy, and faith because of it. [[Romans 8 – praise God!]]

With the help of an amazing woman from church who happens to be a dietician as well, she has given me the tools to feel better and God has used them greatly to trust in Him more. Also, this story here is another beautiful example of His timing as I was starting to really become more concerned with how the pains of my body felt completely out of control. But when something feels out of my control, it means it is completely in His.

I have cut out gluten, dairy, and refined sugars… “what do you eat?” is typically the first question I get after saying that… but, I eat whole foods.  I eat foods that are closest to what God intended them to be. Humans mess up so many things in creation – and ‘food’ is one of the many. Did you know a lot of America’s preservatives are illegal in other countries? Did you know these are actually what cause much of the increasing gluten and dairy allergies in the states? I do now. And I have felt why. Also, what’s with all this refined sugar business? I won’t get into all the statistics I have found and the chemical reactions… but, oiy.

  The Difference in My Life: 1. For the first semester in my college career (this is my fifth year of college), I have not gotten sick! Usually every semester I am laid out in bed for two weeks overwhelmingly sick and I seem to never fully recover throughout the whole year. I can actually feel an immune system of sorts fighting inside me! Years before I have always said, “Some people say their immune system is like a strong, mighty fortress - mine is like the walls of Jericho after the trumpet blow.”  I can only imagine this is because my body is not constantly fighting the chemical reactions of gluten, dairy, and sugar. (Though, I am also taking supplements :) ) 2. The underlying, dull, constant ache and fatigue have lessened immensely. 3. Fruit tastes SO much sweeter. I crave pears, peaches, and apples instead of cake, cookies, and bread (most of the time). 4. Man… so this is what having a digestive system is like… 5. More energy. 6. I can actually tell what my body needs; before there was so much pain I couldn’t tell what was going on, in turn, not having any clue what to do to help. 7. While I am not trying to lose weight, my stomach is flat – if you’re eating foods you’re body cannot handle, you’re probably a bit bloated in all honesty (ask yourself how often you’re bloated and how often your stomach is in immense pain) 8. I can handle working out. I love to workout anyway, but with fibro, working out becomes a greater challenge as your body is already trying to recover from just attempting to function in everyday activities… 9. I can be more adventurous (I love adventures!) because my body is up to it a bit more than before. I was a classic tomboy growing up, and ‘fibromyalgia’ was the hardest thing for this tomboy at heart to hear. 10. God has that much more opportunity to show how strong He is. You may think you’re strong willed (as I did), but you take away your drug of sugar from your addicted body and you’ll be asking for His strength over your own pretty quickly.

Now, I still have fibromyalgia. I am still a relatively fragile individual and have to pace myself and watch what I do. I still have pains and fatigue. But, the intensity and frequency has been reduced to unbelievable levels and amounts. If you have pain, please pray about this. Talk with someone who can help you with this if it is something you want to pursue. But, pray. When I started this lifestyle change, I put it in God’s hands because I knew it could either not work or have great impact – it was all in His hands – not my own. And while I know He could take my fibromyalgia away, it still grips tight to my body. Do you realize how much more epic heaven will be when my body is made perfect in Him? I will have a feast of breads and dairy and it will be that much greater because Jesus will be at my side.

The lifestyle can be hard – really, it has its moments.  But, the results are beyond worth it. If you’re saying, “Oh, I couldn’t take  _____ out of my diet.” To that I say, “You must not be in that much pain.” If something really caused you pain, why would you continue eating it? You get to rely on God that much more! And that alone is worth it. Let even this struggle refine you – spiritually, and physically. Yes, spiritually. Our bodies are temples, and if we are putting into our bodies what does not allow us to function nor do the work of the kingdom of God for our lives, why are we putting it into our bodies and weakening our temples?

If you have any questions – message me, please. I will be bringing you into my conversations with God. Much love and best of God’s strength, - allieedaughteroftheking

P.s. It's a common misconception that anything gluten, dairy, or sugar free is absolutely gross. Trust me, if you go about this in the right way, you can find pretty tasty foods. AND, they don't make you feel wretched.

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

I'm Sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it

When the music fades and all is stripped away and I simply come. Longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless Your heart. I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within, through the way things appear, You’re looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it’s all about You, it’s all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it when it’s all about You, it’s all about You, Jesus. King of endless worth, no one could express how much you deserve. Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours, every single breath! --Heart of Worship—

For those of you who know my testimony, you know it is deeply rooted in the midst of worship. As I played for the Lord who I did not intimately know, I was overwhelmed in tears with a love and a hunger that has not subsided since. My desire to use this talent He has given me in return for His glory and praise is never-ending and never satisfied; I cannot play forever in the current body I reside in. In heaven, we will jam for eternity. There are few things that bring deep anger to my heart, especially in an instant, but when we begin to make worship something it is not, we have stopped focusing on the One who it is FOR - The LORD, YHWH, I AM, Abba Father! HE deserves it ALL. The focus, is on Him and Him alone. Before I dive deep, please know that worshipping the Lord is not only done on Sundays, Saturdays, or Wednesdays. But, every day and every moment we have the opportunity to live for Him, praise Him with our hearts, and glorify Him with our lives. That is a continuously beautiful, breathtaking act of worship. I don’t mean to sound mundane in saying this, but reminders are always a good thing.

Have you ever prayed to have the eyes of God to see even a glimpse of His children the way He sees them? Wow – overwhelming beauty! Every person has so much uniqueness within them, created specifically for the kingdom of God. Seek these things out in others! The discovery of such things will fill you with such joy at how God creates in immense detail. So, we all acknowledge that everyone is created uniquely and beautifully different by the hands of God – so why do we expect everyone to express love and praise toward God in the same way? Do we expect God to be utterly boring? That’s like God receiving the same Christmas gift a million times over. He is so much more creative than that. We are underestimating His creative ability when we expect others to act the same in their faith and love for and toward God as we do. Looking at this from my perspective; can you imagine a worship team of all drummers? Yikes. Competitive nonsense right there. Anyways, remember that God is love – He knows an infinite amount of ways to express Himself to us, and as we are created in His image, He’s not going to create just one way for all of His image-bearers to express the embodiment of who He is back to Himself. To all of you who just have to MOVE when you worship (I getya), don’t assume that those who stand completely still are not ecstatically praising God. And to those who stand completely still (I get that sometimes too), don’t think that those who are constantly moving are just simply being obnoxious and showing off. First of all, I hope that you wouldn’t take the time of worship to even think about such things, but we’re human, and judgments cross our minds every now and then – I’ve heard just about all of the “worship stereotypes” and what not. But HOLY GOODNESS, when the Spirit moves… HE MOVES. Let Him! Some may express that by an inability to control themselves in how they move (David danced around naked! Imagine the joy!), and some may feel so overwhelmed they cannot move at all but only obtain the ability to stand in place in reverent awe. I’ve seen the “face-grabbers,” the “floor-kneelers,” the “eldery-lady-hallelujah-delighters,” and one of my favorites, when the youngsters who know few words softy say, “Jesus.” O! Goosebumps just thinking about the way the Spirit moves like that! And I don’t mean to place titles on people, I just made those up in the moment to quickly convey a few ways God’s children react to the Spirit within them SHOUTING Praise to the Father. Now, worship leaders, let’s talk for a moment. If your heart is not humble, I beg you to be careful. If an ounce of your pride wants any part of that glory – step away. None of it is yours to claim. The amount of hours and effort you put into the set list for that worship session is nothing compared to the fact that God gave you your gifts in the first place, your opportunity to praise with those gifts, and your very breath… give Him glory for those things and more. We don’t even have understanding of all HE does. Also, there is also no need for manipulation. If we are praising in a traditional westernized worship setting, yes, the congregation is facing your direction, but don’t let yourself take attention off of God. The focus is not what is in front of the congregation, but what is moving Within. There is no need to raise your hands for the sake of getting others to do so, when the Spirit moves in them, they will react as they do – hands in the air or not. We each react to the Spirit within differently – please remember that. You just get up there and worship God with your gifts to how He has called you to do so... and let it just be... You and God.

Again, Worship in a way that it becomes just you and God. When I sit behind the set and the music starts… I’m gone. When I have the ability to stand and jump and dance a little and sing at the top of my lungs and beat my hand on my heart… I’m gone. When I have the ability to fall to the floor, or to stand in reverent awe, or to sit in deep reflection… I’m gone. The things that break my heart in worship are when I open my eyes and see the whispering and the pointing fingers to how someone is worshipping differently than the individual. There is truly, no need. You are pointing your finger at how the Spirit is moving in them. Does that not break your heart even a little? You are judging the way God moves during a time we should be praising Him together in fellowship as HIS Body! And I do not think God created the unique parts of the body in order to have His own fingers pointing back at Him in judgment.

It all comes down to, it’s what’s going on between their heart and God. But let’s not focus on what's going on in their heart in that time… focus on what's going on between yours and God. Where do YOU go in worship? Don’t worry about the person on the front row. What is your heart doing up there? Worship is a time of doing just that – worshipping.

I also know there are theological issues that come to play in these ridiculous judgments. I’m not going to get into all of that (oiy vey). But I’m just going to say, if the Lord moved in a certain way in a certain time period, I’m not going to say YWHW cannot move in such a way again. So, if a person is not worshipping how you think is “theologically correct,” ask yourself if what they are doing is unbiblical. It most likely isn't.. it's just not lining up with what fits your personal theology… Personally, I think if they are PRAISING Abba Father because they are moved by the Spirit… why try to stop them or change the way they praise? There is no right or wrong way. Stop getting hung up on what WE mere FLESHLY beings want to say God does and does not do. HE is God. Focusing on who He is brings about a simple and pure worship. It is simply, a reaction to the Spirit's movement. Worship Him. Praise Him with your breath. Glorify Him with your Life. Love like Him with your entire being. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

'Masterpiece' by God

If you're up for reading this post, I would suggest reading through Psalm 139 after a little prayer for a refresher and for focused thoughtfulness before you begin the read. :) I have been passionate about this topic for quite some time, and until today I have not had the words to put these passionate thoughts into until after talking with some awesome ladies at work. In fact, I cannot claim most of these words as my own. I dove deep into Psalm 139 recently, and in those moments of reflection and over the past week or more I cannot get the beautiful word, "Masterpiece" out of my heart and mind. Let's talk about this idea of a masterpiece. I cannot share the sound of the voice who speaks the word in my heart, but I will try to portray an image to capture the intense beauty that is compacted into this word when it overwhelms me within. Whether you're good at painting or not, let's say you just painted an amazing work of art; in fact, it's quite breathtaking. You hang it up on the wall and as you're admiring your masterpiece, I happen to walk in and say, "Goodness, you know, I just love you! You are an amazing person, your heart is spectacular, and you just create a happiness within my heart! But that painting... that is awful, that is the worst painting I've ever seen in my life. It's absolutely disgusting and wretched." Obviously that would be a pretty harsh thing for me to say. I would hope no one would approach another's work with words like that. But this is how we approach the work of God, all the time, about ourselves. We may find ourselves often times saying things like; "God, I love you so much! You are the joy to my soul, the breath in my lungs, the love of my being, and the One of my praise. Thank you so much for everything You do... but why God, why did you make me like this? With this particular brokenness? Why is my smile crooked; my eye squinty; my height too short/tall; my speech stuttering...?etc. Add in your own. There seems to always be something we don't like about ourselves. But when we look at and criticize ourselves like this, we are bashing the Creator of our existence; the One who is admiring His work and His masterpiece. He knew what He was doing when He created you; why a particular brush stroke goes the way it does, and why a certain color is in that area of the canvas – And, He’s not finished with you. He’s still adding color and strokes to the canvas of you. "Love your neighbor as yourself." In many ways, we have the "love your neighbor" part down. We cannot fully and genuinely love others to the best of the God within us if we are not loving ourselves in that same way. We get in the way of ourselves.

I’m going to shift this discussion a little bit. I have been to two Bible colleges in my undergrad career, and never have I experienced such an urgency of… (you guessed it, Bible college students)….. MARRIAGE. I want to genuinely discuss the issue behind some of this urgency. I have had very close brother’s in Christ growing up as well as extremely close sister’s in Christ, and I have heard the struggles on both sides. The issue isn’t the urgency to be married (not really anyway). The issue and the struggle is the placement of identity. This carries over into friendship relationships as well.

When we talk ourselves down enough, we can talk ourselves out of the fact that we are created by a perfect God. That is a scary thing to stop believing (though we struggle), because then we long for our identity to be placed in something – anything, anyone. Don’t worry about being perfect, God’s got that covered, and this perfect God has you covered in His perfect love. He doesn’t make mistakes.  If you are always finding yourself disappointed with other people, grievingly so, you may want to consider if your identity is being placed in God, or in the worth of those around you. The unfortunate thing is - people will always disappoint you. I’ll be the first to say that I have and will bring someone disappointment. We are people. If you’re expecting anything more from people than for them to be people, maybe you’re placing them up on a pedestal? A Pedestal that is crying out to be replaced with the absolute perfect faithfulness of God. Friendships, fellowship, and community are all beautiful things, but none of these are stable enough (nor perfect enough) to claim our worth, happiness, or identity. They are blessings, yes, but don’t live life for the blessings of God, live life simply for God and in Him. We get to have relationship with perfection?! Woah. The destroyer of sin?! Amazing. The Creator of you…?! Breathtaking.

Now, if you have ever found yourself jumping to extreme conclusions because an individual of the opposite sex texted you with a question about class, help on a paper, a ride to the airport, or smiled as you passed… you may want to consider if you have a risk of runaway identity. Ask yourself, “why did this math question cause me to dream up our entire wedding and children’s names?” OK, that’s a little drastic, but so is jumping to any conclusion that a girl or guy “has feelings” because of such simple communication. No wonder why there seems to be segregation – everyone is afraid to communicate! They’re afraid of sending the wrong signals with a single glance in anyone’s direction. My words may be harsh but if our identities are in anything but God, we need a good wakeup call ASAP because we’re missing out! We’re missing out on the greatest joy and overwhelming peace we could live in and experience daily!

What battles for your attention and identity? Are you constantly finding yourself in a need to please and to always be doing something (even if it’s good)? Maybe something besides God is pulling on you, because God wants us to rest in Him – He will not make us exhausted or overwhelmed with stressful tasks and wearing responsibilities (Don’t take this to the extreme and think I am saying we will not struggle or have hard things to push through – because oh we will. Paul lets us know that in Romans 7..or 6?). Search yourself with the eyes of God… not with your own… because God points out the things that will bring us closer to Him… we point out the things that will tear us down and bring us further from the One we need more than any other fiber in the universe. We all have struggles of identity for a variety of different reasons. Abuse or bullying of any kind: sexual, physical, emotional, etc.; the cause of different sin; the effects of different battles... Identity struggles can run deep, but I bring them up now for something to think consider as we live with a need to cling closer to God.   Thank God for how he made you… YOU. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. He KNEW you when you were an unformed substance. Rest in that. Rest in Him. You are a: 'Masterpiece' by God. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Challenge Me

Back in September and on through November I started praying for deep, transforming challenge. The journey that was possible in the days (lifetime) ahead was striking me as beautiful opportunity (more so than usual). I have from where I am - a wretch - to perfection in Christ to reach toward.  To let my journey between now and when I am glorified in Christ to be stagnant in any way was a horrifying thought that sounded like wasting opportunity and missing out on extravagant growth with my Abba Father. I wanted challenge: intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually... We just don't always expect God to answer our prayers in the ways that He does, but His ways are so much sweeter than mine ever could be - glorifying Him in every way. I started second semester off with deep emotional hurt. I was confused and bitter and heartbroken as breakups go - that's ok. God was working through this and showing me His beauty - O, so much beauty. I sought God for hours at a time; the majority of my days were spent in His presence. I wanted nothing less than to be immersed in His love and peace and I wanted to bask in the joy found in Him - O, so much joy. Even in my lack of understanding, my heart exploded in praise on the daily. I still have a great lack of understanding, but the lack of such allows for more trust in the One who understands all. Praise Him. There's something about a college dorm and having an immune system as mighty as the walls of Jericho after seven days and a trumpet blow... In February I became so sick. I was out for two weeks because of health, and because my body was so worn down, my Fibro decided it was a good time to go through a phase of painful fits. Thus began the vicious cycle of my body being worn down from pain, and because I was worn down from pain, I easily became sick... Before all this began, in January I was in the climax of a 'get-healthy-kick.' I was determined to not get sick second semester. I went from twelve-hundred side crunches a day, lifting fourteen more than my body weight, and easily going on sprints in January to hardly being able to get out of bed in February. By the time spring break came around in March, I was starting to recover and crawl out of the painful/sickly cycle. Spring break, in fact, was a marvelous week of minimum pain, less pain than I had experienced in years. But, through the toil of pain and sickness brought many days of stillness and solitude, though, not always willingly. In the mornings I went from my first thought being, “let’s do this (work out)!” to “God, give me the strength to rise out of bed.” Waking up with my first thoughts being in deep reliance on the Lord was refreshing and strength-giving. O, so much peace.

March 22nd, noon, mile marker 113; I totaled my car. I went from eighty miles-per-hour to zero in two seconds. I hit black ice, went air-borne, landed upside down on the roof of my car and rolled back over. I ran away from the accident with just a tiny scratch on my thumb. For two weeks succeeding the accident I did not have any extra pain. April 4th, I went to the ER with excruciating, debilitating pain. There was nothing serious going on, it seemed my fibromyalgia and body was just slow to react to the accident. My liver and spleen were enlarged and for weeks after it hurt just to eat. The day after the ER visit, I was recovering from a strong dose of some sort of IV injected narcotic and the pain had come back upon me. I lay in bed not able to find a position that did not increase pain. The second day after the ER, I became sick again as well with fevers. The third day following, I was capable of moving but once I stood my back and hips gave way, there was no walking for me.  The next week I struggled with walking, talking, eating, sitting… I felt like death, but my heart was full of joy in the Lord. I knew that if I had not made it through the car accident, I would not be in any pain and I would be in the embrace of my Beloved.  I also knew that because of His kingdom there is a reason He still needs me in this world and I will live my life for that purpose – there is excitement in knowing the Lord needs you in a place and has plans for you where you are. O, so much joy.

The rest of the semester brought on further interesting physical hindrances for instance; my eye going bloodshot and losing vision, creating dizziness; pulling a muscle in my sleep; getting sick again… By this point I was pretty frustrated with my body. But when you have to close your eyes all day, there is so much time for prayer and rest :).

While my semester sounds pretty brutal, it has been by far my favorite semester thus far in my four years of college. It was full of challenge, but also full of deeper reliance on God. Deep, transforming challenge. Growth. Intimacy with my Abba. I began and continued developing some of the deepest friendships that genuinely challenge me. How I view love has drastically changed. God is still working with me on this one, so I can’t express yet what has emerged out of this – but it’s beautiful, and I am excited – I will expand on this later at some point I’m sure; I have so much time with my Beloved in His perfect love.  I can’t express the joy that overflows in my heart and the peace that has transcended my understanding time and time again – but Jesus continues to explode my heart on the daily. As I prayed throughout the semester, I could hear the voice of my God; "Patience, Beloved." So, I am so excited for the journey I am on, as challenging as it may be, I look forward to those challenges because I have Romans 8 to look to and rejoice at how God is glorified in every moment of suffering. So I say; bring on the challenge, the heartache, the pain, all for Your glory and to know Your name!

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18.

- alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Jesus explodes my heart.

Have I ever shared with you how captivated I am by the love of my Abba Father? Tonight my heart again exploded in His goodness. March 22nd, I totaled my car. The night before the trip back to Grace from Spring Break, I went to bed with a heavy heart. I almost texted a friend of mine: "Do you ever have the feeling that you're not going to live very long?" But I figured it was an extremely morbid thought and question to ask so I refrained, but the heaviness weighed on me - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The next morning I woke up far from refreshed. The heaviness remained. "God, whatever is weighing on me - I have no idea - but Lord, my Spirit prays to lay it down before you at your feet. Please take this burden that is so heavy in my chest. It is exhausting." As I followed behind Corrie (we were driving in separate cars, praise the Lord), a restlessness and continued deep, heavy, "morbid" thoughts kept intruding. I would pray and pray; "God! I do not understand the cause of such heaviness, but I trust you on this trip if that is what it's about. I pray for your hand to surround both Corrie and I today. Bless this trip, Father, and please fill me with peace in the place of this weight." When I first felt my car lift off the ground, I had so many thoughts and emotions all at once; so much peace and stillness at the same time. I believed I was about to meet my YHWH, and I had deep, inner joy about that.  At the same time, I was praying for the healing of my parents. "I'm about to meet Jesus." If it was in God's will for my life to end in that moment, I would rejoice in His will as I run into His embrace - there is that idea of freedom from the struggle of the world in that thought and eternal joy. When I ran out of my car with just a scratch on my thumb, the first words I heard were; "bless the Lord!" by an amazing, sweet woman named Sherry on her way to Minnesota. And going back to my car to grab a few things lay my Bible, prayer journal, and cross in my driver seat. Tonight, a Grace friend that I have not had the opportunity of talking with recently, shared with me that all that day I had been on their mind so much that she prayed for me; when she got on facebook she was blown away at what she saw/heard. And it blows me away that God put me on her mind and heart that day. It's amazing what our prayers can do... how far into eternity they stretch and the eternal changes they bring. Whenever someone is on your mind - pray for them. When we concern ourselves with the matters of the Lord and not our own, it becomes easier to know what is wanted of us in a moment - it could just be to pray. God shows me over and over the beauty in intimacy. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Consume me, Beloved.

Consume me, Beloved. I want to be so in love with you I obey you by accident. To be so lost in prayer with you we have a life-long conversation. To seek and know your voice so intimately that I know it better than my own and desperately seek for the sound of it over the calls of the world. To be so in awe of you that your will is what my heart desires and considers as its own, and may I be more enticed by it than the wants of my flesh. To not only acknowledge my need for you but to Want you more than any other fiber in creation. To live for your glory over the slightest ounce of my pride. To fall on my knees before you only to better understand how to walk as your reflection. To be in such union with you I only know peace in the wake of worldly fear and struggle. To trust so much in your strength that I laugh in the face of evil - for You have already won. To eagerly await going into the depths with you in challenge for the joy of perfecting my faith. Destroy my inner self that defies against you. Set a blaze through my entire being until we are soldered together as One. Consume me, Beloved. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Prone to Wander

God, I want to want You. Every day I pray that God would take me deeper. If I am not seeking to be more intimate with God each day than the last, I am missing out. If I am not craving intimacy with God, I am not coming into intimacy with Him enough. If I can only acknowledge my need for Him and cannot say I have a desire and a want to be with Him, I am not coming into His presence and stilling myself before Him enough. When I find it hardest to pray, those are the times I need to pray more.

I have found a grave annoyance with myself. I can complain about the fickleness of the human heart toward one another in love, but yet, if I am honest with myself, my heart is the most fickle of them all toward my Beloved; the one whose love is true and never failing; the one whose love I should crave, want, and long to be in the presence of more than any other. How much more does God ache from my lack of love, when He died for/because of it. Days, weeks, and months may pass where I am on fire and passionate for Him, and then one day I will look back at the events through the hours, and realize I did not come to my Father once since the morning or even since the night before and my thoughts had rarely gone to Him. I fail Him constantly, and yet He is so faithful continuously and forever. I am prone to wander, yet you wait for me in the field to come back from my rebelliousness, and run to me in love when I finally do. [Luke 15:11-32] No wonder our love to one another can be so lacking, when we lack even greater love for the one who IS. May we come to know Him so intimately, the only way we know how to love is through His. We reflect what we take into our hearts. So often I take in selfishness and pride over the love of my God and I reflect that in my measly attempts to love others. How often I fail, but how much greater is His love for me. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. God, I want to want You. Be my greatest desire. My only focus. The captivator of every thought. Put a thirst in my soul every morning, so through the day I seek You to quench it, so that every night I feel more in love with You than that last.

- alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Radiant

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5. 

Radiant; this word captivates my thoughts and ignites something in my soul. What does it look like, what does it mean… I love thinking about the face of Moses after meeting with God. [Exodus 34:29] I put myself in the shoes of an Israelite and imagine the sight when Moses came down from Mount Sinai. How beautiful is that image.. As an Israelite, I could imagine thinking, "Wow, you can tell that this man has spent time in the presence of the Lord!" (in Hebrew of course). How radiant.  I think of Sarah and how Abimelek was just taken by her beauty. At ninety years old, Sarah caught the attention of a king, not because she dressed  provocatively like the women of his culture, but because she was radiant of the Lord. If I call myself a Daughter of The King, I do not want to allow myself to dress in a way that conveys ideas of trying to look 'hot' which display the desires of my flesh and what I am trying to entice.. I want to have a radiance that only tells of my Abba's glory. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:10.

I want to be so lost in the presence of God that His radiance is seen over the flaws and disorder of my flesh. All for Your glory, my Beloved. I could say more, but for now I keep it short and sweet. Radiance. What are you displaying? - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Official lyric video for Laura Story's single "I Can Just Be Me." From the upcoming al...

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Let Go, Let God.

It's not whether or not we understand, but rather, if we trust in the One who understands far more than we ever could. God has to remind me of this more often than He should as I battle Him, ever so subtly, for the control that isn't mine to have, and is better off further from my grasp. So, I rest secure in His hands of freedom and peace... Let Go, Let God. The scary thing, is that sometimes my subtle battling is so much so, that I don't notice until God calls me out and back to the freedom and peace I had so selfishly forgotten is mine. I am so thankful my God is all-knowing. I am so thankful my God is sovereign. I am so thankful my Beloved is love, unconditional. I am so thankful my God is so, so good. I am so thankful my Abba calls me His daughter. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Bride of Christ

The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. John 3:29.

 The image of being the bride of Christ really struck me this weekend. I've heard it so many times, but over the past few days the vision of what that really looks like burst through my doors like a flood deep in my heart. The image took hold of all that had been blocking it from being so clearly seen before and washed them away. I've wanted nothing less than this vision since that moment.

 I imagine the life of a newly married bride; jittery and excited, head over heels and giddy, ready to take on the world with her new groom. I also imagine the life of an elderly woman, full of wisdom and still madly in love with the love God gifted to her years ago.

 With the image of the new bride, I would imagine she would eagerly seek out her husband every night. All day she would wait, patiently and in excited expectation for her groom to walk through the door after a day at work. In that patient waiting, her mind would probably come back to the thought of him more than just a couple of times, making her anxious anticipation even greater. Finally, as he walks through the door, her joy would swell up and poor out on him with a consuming love.

This, is how Christ wants my heart to be for Him. Even more so. To deeply crave intimacy with Him throughout the day, to think of Him, to seek His face within myself, and to look forward to my One-on-one time with Him and come into those moments with excited expectation, overwhelming joy, and a love consumed by Him. Christ has an even greater promise for us, we should want to seek Him out so much more so than our husbands... while their promise to us is/will be great, Christ's is indescribable and promised with blood.

[[to bring up Song of Solomon for a moment... I do not think that is the love between God and His people being represented there, so when I use this image of a bride as an example, that is not the image I'm wanting in your head. Intimacy, oh yes! But not intimacy in such a physical way... I see God's love as being even deeper and more consuming than that. My Beloved, my Abba...]] With the image of the elderly woman, I imagine a reverence for her husband. The years have brought her a deeper love and respect after decades of watching his heart for Christ be lived out. Her heart is still giddy with anticipation to see him again after a time of separation and she seeks him out with such a deep, inseparable, entwined love. That of which, understanding of such a love cannot be grasped by others. This, also, is how Christ wants my heart to be for Him. To have come to Him in each moment, seeking Him through each day, craving time with Him, and growing deeply. Each year so far in my life, I think, “goodness, I couldn’t imagine being able to love God any more than I do now! It is so overwhelming already I couldn’t imagine something even deeper!” But He blows my mind and consumes my heart more than I could even imagine just the time before that I came to Him. The days I don't spend time with my Beloved, I want to feel that. I want to ache deep in my heart at my absence. And if I do not feel that ache when I miss time with Him, I have drifted too far from Him and have placed His love as less-important. Idolatry. (That's a whole other conversation though). When I’m an elderly woman I want to be humbled and full of wisdom because of the years with Christ that have shaped me and molded me down to the core. I want to still wait in excited expectation for His promises and His extraordinary presence to overwhelm my soul. To look back at each year and the depth in love that I’ve grown, I am excited for when I’m old… I can’t even begin to fathom the image of what that love will look like after having more time from this day to be with Him. I want a joy to spill from within and be so entwined and consumed by the love of Christ that others could not understand the love I feel but yet they want it for themselves because of Christ’s consumption of my life. At the end of my life, I want to be able to smile, and look forward to meeting my Abba, my lifelong Beloved face to face, and stand/rejoice/dance/fall before Him unashamed….. even more consumed than I could imagine in the moment of my last breath. I want to be at that place. - alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

Yet this I call to mind     and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,     for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;     great is your faithfulness Lam. 3:21-23.

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

The Blessing in it All (from the semester)

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Psalm 31:3. This past fall semester was amazing!  I witnessed such growth, especially in the girls' halls (as that's where I am most of the time). I was a part of beautiful exchanges of testimonies and stories that seemed to always be happening for weeks on end.  I loved the constant prayer and the random worship sessions. There was never a week where I didn’t have someone genuinely asking things like, “How can I pray for you?” “What are you struggling with?” “What are any burdens I can help you carry or take to God with you?” I grew close(r) to some pretty Godly ladies. He has blessed me so greatly with them!

Before the start of the semester and throughout, I prayed for a lot of things I know I needed to continue letting God strengthen and deepen within myself: More patience in areas I need it; a greater gentleness and presence of peace; to be the leader God is calling me to be; and, to have a faith like Job's (are a few). Whatever I was asked to do I wanted to have the faith to act with no hesitation and no matter what tragedy of sorts came to be I never wanted to curse God’s name but praise Him in the storm!.... I wanted to be pushed… I wanted so much less of myself, especially if I was going to step into leadership; it was God who needed to be seen.

"The holier a man becomes, the more he mourns over the unholiness that remains in him."

- C.S. Lewis In all honesty though, this semester was also pretty brutal. It was filled with more physical pain and sickness than any before. It was a vicious cycle. The pain wore my body down and so I would get sick, being sick would wear my body down and so I would be in extra pain... [repeat].  So - I was worn down. I felt so impatient with myself. This is when I realized that the areas I needed patience was not with others but with myself. I allow God's grace to shine through to another but I realized I did not allow that same grace to be extended upon myself.

Self-reliance. I am a lover of it. To ask for help with simple things I believe I should be able to do on my own is a dreaded task, even to ask God for His strength.. Why can't I just do it... Just go on a run; Just walk to class; just get out of bed...

The added fibro fits caused added fibro fog (I have mentioned these in previous posts). The ability to remember, anything, was a rarity; forgetfulness of simple words was common.  I would even find myself saying the words in my sentences backwards… oy! The confidence just to speak was diminishing pretty quickly. I felt like my body and brain were deteriorating as though the inside of me was on fast forward and I was a 21 year old with a 110 year old body/brain. The Blessing In all the pain came extra stillness (not always voluntary, but needed). Deepening Patience. Out of that stillness came a greater love and appreciation for God’s provision (I NEED God’s strength – I AM weak). Gently humbled. God was providing strength for every day; God provided the words I needed to say when He wanted them said; God helped me out of bed in those mornings I didn’t think I could; God always will. Strengthening Faith. Out of that greater trust of provision came an overflowing abundance of God’s peace – Let GO. Let GOD. When I let God do the providing I am also giving up the lead (need for control) on my life. As I’ve said before, there is SO much freedom in not having control. And, when God does the leading, I am a much better leader to those God wants to impact using me as His instrument. God is the producer of things He wants me to give, and the provider of all things He knows I need. I need to come to Him for both. When His instruments are “in tune” and following the pace and rhythm of the conductor, the better His instruments contribute to the ensemble - The Body - as a whole. [Hebrews 11:40] The days I am so fed up with the pain and mindlessness are the days that I come to Christ MORE than the days/weeks/months before when I wasn’t in quite as much pain.  The blessing in the pain is that I get to come to God and lay more down at His feet. I believe I rely on Him more in every moment than I would if I wasn’t struggling. [Psalm 5:3] Beauty & Praise I don’t think God is striking me with immense pain to teach me lessons and answer my prayers, but I know He could take it away while it still grips tight. I praise my Beloved because of my need to cling to Him. My need to come to Him is great and I am constantly reminded.  Praise Him because I can come to Him and call on His Holy name because He calls me His daughter. If I didn’t need His strength I wouldn’t know how powerful and beautiful it is! If I didn’t need Him, I wouldn’t know the greatest unfailing love. [Psalm 27:8] There is beauty in the struggle and we all have a struggle of some sort; some physical, some emotional, some spiritual… (what are yours?) and we all get to lay it down at His feet and be overwhelmed by the greatest _______. Love. Peace. Strength. [Psalm 34:1-6.] I praise Him that, because of the stillness, I know His voice. I know when He calls me out and when He calls me in. When He calls me out – to move – He gives me the strength and the words I will need to fulfill what He’s asked of me. When He calls me out – to be reminded – He doesn’t let me stray too far from Him. I remember being on a cleaning frenzy from stress and in the middle of the madness I was reminded, “Beloved, what are you doing? Come to me.” When He calls me in – I have so much to praise Him for because of all His provision… and, everything. - Sometimes in the midst of a struggle, it's good to have a reminder that: in all things God works for the good of those who love Him (Rom. 8:28). Every struggle continues to mold us. Rely on Him. Trade Him agony for peace, He wants us to come to Him. I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18. Merry Christmas. Thank you, my God, for sending your son. I can come to you so freely and call on your Holy name. My pain is nothing compared to what Jesus endured for me; pain I will never have to face and never understand. Thank you, God, for putting a thirst within me, and thank you, God, for being the only One to quench it. -alliee-daughteroftheking

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

During late night fellowship and worship I was reminded of this song. The memory of the last time I played this song in worship back home came to mind. God overwhelmed me with His love in the midst of it. The image of my beloved Jesus, hanging there on the cross. Arms outstretched; "my Daughter;" a crown of thorns on his head, drops of blood and the pain of sin on his face, "you are worth this. You are my daughter, I love you, and you are worth this." I was overcome by the deep look of love in His eyes. We are so loved by our God! I know this is a long song, but goodness, so worth a listen! Just click on the title of this post :)

[alliee-daughteroftheking]

God Gives Us More

I'm sure somewhere in your lifetime you've heard the phrase, "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle." This phrase has always filled me with such a disgust of sorts. If God doesn't give us any more than WE can handle, then what is the point of having a God to rely on? Time and time again, God has given me much more than I could ever handle on my own, but the beautiful thing is, I'm not supposed to even try to do it on my own, with my own strength. He's allowing me to grow in my faith. Giving me more than I can handle, or let alone, know what to do with, that means there is that much more to put into God's hands; that much more to take steps out towards Him; that much more to trust Him with, and these things are beautiful opportunities to grow in relationship with Him. To go through life doing all that I could handle on my own, I wouldn't be doing much with my life. God, the creator of this life I call "mine," knows how to do much more with this life than I could ever dream of! (I mean, He created it - with a purpose. You would think He would know how to reach that purpose He created me for.. I most certainly do not). This is why I want to rely on God to equip me to do what He has called me to do. Going out into the world with my own strength will break me, for I am weak. Trying to love on people with my own love, will exhaust me, for God's love is vast and never-ending, whereas the fleshly love I give has failed many. Going out into the world with my own wisdom will make me out to be a fool, for the greatest human wisdom cannot even begin to understand God's foolishness. While I may be His hands and feet, those hands and feet are nothing if they are not connected to the Head of the Body.   "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). It is not I who saves people, it is God who saves. We may be His hands and feet but we need to seek Him to equip us with what we need from Him.

When you feel God has given you more than you can handle, praise Him, and give Him your struggle and rely on Him to provide you with the necessary tools and provision to get you through, or to get you to, whatever and wherever. We are not the producers or providers of what is needed, we are the givers of what God gives us to let flow out onto others.

-alliee-daughteroftheking