Today, its raining and I'm crying.
I try so hard to ignore all negativity, to prowl the day with good faith and positivity. Even when I'm feeling unwell, I worked with a positive note, trying my best to improve. Yet at the end of the day, when I thought everything is gonna end well, it just turns very dark so suddenly.
I never felt intense anger as well as raging emotions where your heart beat so fast, your whole body trembles and you wanted to physically hurt someone. But now I have.
I was always a short fused person. I easily get mad, easy to forgive & forget. But when I started to age in years, it made me see a broader view about life so I told myself I needed to extend my fuse and patience. It did in the form of "don't mind it, understand it, live with it".
However, now that I have, I'm feeling a new kind of anger. Its so intense that I wanted to hurt the person but one thing I don't want to do is harm people. Therefore the result would always be self harm. I don't want to destroy things so I always turn to myself because I thought "Id rather hurt myself than hurt the person I'm mad at. It'll always heal". It's not a very good thought. And people should always avoid it.
It's always 1 step forward and 3 steps back for me. I know that the journey to a better me will mostly be very difficult but I never thought that after 6 years of this, I've acquired more negative and unhealthy thoughts & actions than the positive progress!
6 years! But still nothing! And its getting worse!
The only good thing I did was being a support to people I've met, even if only for a short span of time.
I always wonder when I'll break. Because everytime I fall into my negative place, I feel like the pieces of myself I've tried to put together again just falls in the dark abyss, not to be found ever again...
It's very dramatic, I know. But really. Everytime I'm pulled down after I've tried so hard, I always hear a crack and a falling piece.
It would've been fine to replace the pieces but even a replacement of the same shape is hard to find.
Anyways... I fervently hope that you are all doing well, being healthy and progressive.
Keep on fighting and prowling life!
" I wanna go to a place where I can say that I'm alright and I'm staying there with you.
I wanna know if there could be anyway that there's no fight, and I'm safe and sound with you"
Song: I wanna go to a place by Rie Fu
