peng's aquatears Pong's febloneliness

My Life, My Poetry. It speaks of me yet it doesn't. This is the world on the other side of my closet 💕

[pengpongpooh]

The Criminal

I know. I'm doing for my own selfishness. I'm not the victim. I'm the criminal; the criminal torn between continuity & identity.

I try to fight it. Everyday. Some days are better, most are just bad. I'm awake when people should be asleep, kept up by thoughts so loud like buzzing of bees. It's pitiful how I do a lot if things just to gain that sleep; just to gain that semblance of normality.

Everything I say now, is just an excuse. I cannot be pardoned. I won't be forgiven.

I won't be saved but atleast, I just wanted-... what? Am I even allowed to want? Or need? Nothing I say will be justified. It's always like that; thoughts, salvation, normalcy, sanity, morality. I always go way overboard or just completely stop, thinking I'm not worth it.

I wanted to be found. But the prospect of "after" and revealing my vulnerable self is so scary, I just freeze in my tracks. But I wanted to be found right? Because I'm so lost being "arrested" is better... right? I know I won't be saved. But still, in the end, I wonder will I be finally freed?

♒AquaPengsFeb️♒️

From ME To YOU:

Life is full of uncertainties, struggles and choices. I, myself am struggling and often looses hope but I fervently pray that you'll always find strength and regain faith no matter how many times you fall. Even if I see darkness now, I always believe that life is beautiful.

[pengpongpooh]

I'm sorry. I will forever repent.

[pengpongpooh]

Everytime I watch Frozen 2, everytime I hear songs like "Into the Unknown", "Show yourself" and even "This is Me" from the greatest showman, I feel emotional.

Maybe, deep inside, I just want to find myself and what I am meant for. I am living everyday, fulfilling what is expected of me and living a life that was a standard and norm. But in all of these, I still haven't found who I am, or what I am meant to be, or who I wanna be.

I always asked myself what I want to be, what my end goal was or what I wanna fulfill in life. But everything is just blank. I don't know because I just don't wanna think or tread because I am just echausted. I choose to live life day by day, without thoughts of the future. But deep inside, maybe I long to find that place where I can finally who I'm meant to be.

[jukeboxofjellycat]

Source IG: snoopy_woodspeanutt

[pengpongpooh]

I always want to choose to not mind people's mistakes.; always mind my own business and to choose kindness even when the world is not.

[pengpongpooh]

...But you fight even when you're drowning...

You get up with a struggle. Face the day pretending that you know how to float, that you have a destination in mind.

People surround you, and you pretend to know how to swim.

You smile. You act gracefully. You tackle it with strength and grace.

However when the door closes, you stop the struggle.

You just wanted to be carried by the waves.

But you choose to fight the tide everyday. But how long will it last? How long can you resist?

...However long it will take...

[pengpongpooh]

Talking with my brother, made me realize my faults and my errors. Our differences and the way I view my choices and the consequences of all my decisions and actions.

He said whatever is I house in my heart is what will come out. So If I harbor anger deep inside, its what comes out. It is really important what you take in, what you value and what you believe in inside your house-heart.

It's time to let go of my earthly self and start looking at spiritual self.

[pengpongpooh]

So ang ending, nasayang ra ako oras. Nakigtabi rko, very useless.

[pengpongpooh]

You can sort of feel and know your importance to people in the way they pay attention whether in texts, chats, video calls or face to face interactions.

That's why most of the time, I am just needed when it's fun and necessary.

I am easy to get along with but never the best. Few people, who had known me for so long, are the people who choose me for me. Not because of necessity but because they like me, imperfections and all.

I am easy to get along but I have a limit to how far you could get close to me. And when they don't try to cross that barrier, I just know you are only a fleeting existence.

I am always looking for that deep connection. That person who'll stay no matter how shallow or deep my thought goes. Because all this time, I am matching my persona to whoever I vibe with. But when they hear how deep you can get, they all but remember you when they just need to.

It hurts. It always hurts. How much you treasure them but deep inside you know that your value is only superficial.

I am always lost and lonely. Always found but never hold onto.

I used to enjoy my solitary company. I was never insecure of being alone. But as my age continues to grow, I fear the feeling of not connecting with anyone. I fear being completely surrounded but deeply alone.

[pengpongpooh]

You talk and I actually know. You are easy to read as a person. The emotions and the mood swings, I know that too. You don't get my personality and that's fine. Am I disappointed? A little bit. But it's okay. I know that people won't understand nor like why I said "NO". I will not betray myself anymore just for others to like me.

Talk behind my back if that's what you are good at, if it makes you breath easier. I won't stoop myself at your level. But every stab you do behind my back, is a scar that won't ever be forgotten. I won't do it but others will do it to you what you did me. That's life.

[pengpongpooh]

To my SpunkyDoodle Cat.

You are my first cat. I never really wanted cats as pet because I was a dog person. But ever since you came, I just fell in love with you very quickly and deeply. You've given me generation after generation of cats.

You came to me during pandemic. I really didn't want to adopt you because I didn't know how to take care of cats, and we already have 2 dogs and my bedridden grandma. But here you are.

I couldn't express how much you've given me purpose. How much you've given me a chance to grow and dream. Even though you don't like me, I love you so much. I couldn't imagine a life without you. Of not seeing you nonchalant and queenly behaviour. Of not seeing you demand treats and food.

You've given me your generation of children to love. I know that one day you'll leave me because you animals are too good to be in this beautiful yet fleeting world. But I'm still not ready. Imagining loosing you, not hugging you or annoying you... You will always be the first, and always be irreplaceable. You are my heart ❤️. They day you'll leave me, is the day where I'll live a heart broken, and will never be whole.

I know right now, you're sleeping soundly. Looking over your brood of cats and the kingdom you've built. But I want to share how much you mean to me. People will never understand how much you've saved and changed me. People will never understand the love and attachment I have for you and your brood.

I love you so much mommey cat. Let's stay together for a long time, fighting and annoying each other. 💖

[pengpongpooh]

My goal this year is to be the crazier version of my self.

.

.

I've always held back when I'm having fun because I believed in karma. I've done crazy things when I was in university. I want to do crazier things before I hit the 30th age mark

[pengpongpooh]

It's not even half of the year yet and karma came knocking so fast 😅

[pengpongpooh]

[pengpongpooh]

It's funny how irritated I get but crawl back so easily. Maybe I'm the toxic one. I need to start learning to be comfortable alone again.

[pengpongpooh]

https://www.instagram.com/share/reel/BAKsYV9M6e

[pengpongpooh]

I am a bridge for people.

A friendship of mine became elusive because I stopped hanging out. Because I knew deep inside I was being used as a scapegoat.

But she still trusted me with her secrets. But I still felt used. To hide the blooming something.

I was never insecure with friendships.

If they didn't want me, I learned to not care.

But now, I always find myself wondering, second guessing.

I decided last year that I would cut off my ties. I don't need a friendship that makes me insecure.

But I still find my way back.

Now I realize, I am lonely. So lonely that I accept crumbs of attention they give me and I come crawling back. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

Somewhere, somehow, I even lost that "don't need to force myself to be liked" attitude.

I've been betrayed so many times in my friendships. But I still never learn.

[pengpongpooh]

My goal this year is to be the crazier version of my self.

.

.

I've always held back when I'm having fun because I believed in karma. I've done crazy things when I was in university. I want to do crazier things before I hit the 30th age mark