#goenke

[thangsandthangs]

|Vipassana|

[kwpisme]

At the End of Every Breath

At the End of Every Breath

A Meditation …..

can I take your attention

if only for one moment

can I ask you

just to breathe

within your breath

follow it through

be it

feel it

see it

notice –

if you will

the stop

the gap

the break

at the end of every breath

                                    at the end of every breath

notice what it contains

nothing at all

and yet

it contains the

very reality

in which…

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It is what it is, not what you want it to be

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Soul searching

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day, and I felt great. I spent time with great people, got lots of stuff done and also managed to get in several hours of meditation in which i managed to observe the chaos of my mind with a degree of serenity and peace. So far, so good. The problem with looking at yourself deeply is that inevitably you will uncover things about yourself that you don't like. Sometimes they will just be uncomfortable truths. Other times they will be things about yourself, your personality, the things you've done, that you truly hate or that make you feel ill. These are the kind of things that we bury the deepest, that leach poison into our souls unnoticed. Uncovering them is the first step to getting rid of them, but this carries its own dangers. I practice Vipassana meditation. New students learn the art through 10 day intensive courses: this is the minimum length of time required to learn properly because, in a nutshell, it is the amount of time you need to freak out a couple of times and then come to terms with it. The time it takes to face your darkness and come out the other side, if you will. According to Goenke, who teaches the technique, supposedly a day when you can observe your inner turmoil with such equanimity and awareness is often followed by a day of turmoil when the feelings you uncover run riot. So I should have expected this. I've been agitated all day and my mind has been vomiting up so many fears and issues that have been buried for a while. I know it's a good thing, like a putrid sore that needs to be lanced and not ignored, but I had to kind of push it aside as it's been a hectic day with too many distractions. Right now there's a lot going on in my life, or at least a few things that have been really eating away at me. On top of that, there's been a lot of darkness affecting the lives of people I know. At the moment it feels overwhelming. I can feel the physical effects of this in my body. There is a black hole inside my chest, twisting and squeezing my chest, alternating between hollowness and throbbing pain. I'd quite like to fill this hole with drink or other distractions, but I guess I'm too far down the rabbit hole. I'm too aware of it to drown it out and ignore it, so instead I'll have to fix it. Last night I watched 'Dhamma Brothers', a documentary about Vipassana being taught in a prison. (Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA8XFEyeMi8 ) One inmate described it as being tougher than his 8 years on Death Row. I can't claim to be suffering that badly, but I think I know what he means. There's nowhere to hide, no-one responsible for my suffering other than myself. Fighting in a cage wasn't this hard. And what is my suffering, my guilt, my self-loathing, my hatred or my fear, compared to this unlikely band of murderers? I envied them their empty hours of confinement, as silly as that seems. In my own life, I struggle to meditate enough to stay calm, let alone dig deeply. And when I do, it throws up problems that I have little time to deal with. At least now I have a chance to sit down in the dark and be alone with my demons for a while. Feed them fear and anger and they grow; face them with love and acceptance and they fade or become tame. I think I overcame greater terrors when I sat the 10 day course. I'd feel my world crumbling around me, only to see that my world had been a prison. There it might have taken a day of solid meditating in a sheltered environment to realise that truth. Here and now it might take longer and there may be more missteps, but that's life: no point in wishing for something different. And what is the point of all this rambling, this self-indulgent, narcissistic, hippie soul searching? I don't really know. I guess it's to say that while this is hard, it also feels... necessary. I feel lucky that I have the means at my disposal to face my problems in a constructive way. I know that I alone am responsible for my happiness, no matter how much I try and pin them on someone else. I alone am responsible for my suffering, no matter how much I try and blame someone else. I guess I hope that someone reads this and begins to understand that nothing lasts forever, no matter how much you want it to, or how much you are afraid it will. There is nothing more free than our spirits, and no chains more binding than our own minds.

[freemecorporeally-blog]

Crystallize, dissolve.

I am wondering why I have this blog. Is it to speak to my readers? Do I have any readers? Does it matter? Am I doing this to flesh out ideas? To prepare for my degree in creative writing? To boost my ego and show how spiritually persistent I am? 

It's probably a mix. I don't really know. 

I find myself wondering why I wonder why all the time. Why has gotten me to so many places. I am great at asking questions, but questions are endless. They don't lead to anywhere but the next thing which inevitably leads to the next thing.

"Why"

"becuse of this"

"Oh well why that"

"Because of this" 

xinfinity

Perhaps I will stop asking and watch what happens when that trajectory just accepts and watches without "?"ing.

Why moves you into a different direction, but does that mean you're really getting where you want to go? 

I've spent the last six months unable to see beyond Vipassana. It is easy to take something so useful and treat it like a religion. Fuck that. Vipassana is the practice of searching for peace, or trying not to crave, of attempting to watch. It is a great tool, but it is a static multi-thousand year old practice. Sit, feel, watch. SUre it worked to liberate some dude called Siddhartha but have you seen anyone come back from it enlightened? Does Vipassana produce what it is selling? I mean hell, not even fucking Goenka is enlightened. I mean sure without much ego, yet he alludes to the fact that he is not fully liberated. But don't get me wrong, I accept its place. It is a stepping stone. It helped me like none other, but all of our tools have to be let go at some point. Knowing when to hold on and when to let go is key. (And funnily enough I'm not saying I'm done with Vipassana, but I am saying that I can finally see that I will leave it someday)

Enlightenment is complete balance with whatever is arising and passing. It yings the fuck outta the yang. It's perfect.

Vipassana knows about perfection and yearns to find perfection, but perfection cannot be found because it was never lost. One must transcend the school of transcendance eventually. All birds gotta fly, right? 

After writing that I'm realizing that I'm not writing this for other people, because I'm pretty sure I don't know many who would get what I'm saying. And even better is the fact that I'm learning not to internalize it. I used to write so people would get me, so that they would see my value, but now I'm realizing there will be very few I meet who actually do get what I'm writing and thats okay. It would be okay if no one did. I dont predicate my words upon your perception.

 This blog is going to be interpreted in a myriad of ways, of which have nothing to do with me and everything to do with whatever perception patterns those people have. Not my deal. The way you're reading this and what you think it MEANS is you.  

Preview for next episode: Noel examining insanity, and her own fear of such a thing. 

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Off for a spot of peace and quiet in the countryside. Not too much peace and quiet though: on this particular course I'll be serving rather than participating. That means I won't be meditating the full ten hours a day, but instead helping out with the cooking and cleaning for those participating. I'm really looking forward to it as it should be slightly less intense, but hopefully even more beneficial to everyday life. It's all well and good maintaining equanimity and awareness and being free from craving and aversion when you have nothing to do but meditate all day, with everything taken care of for you. It's another thing to do so when you're scrubbing out toilets or cooking for a few hundred people. Still, I should have plenty of time to bliss out in a field and watch the squirrels. And rabbits. And cows. Be happy y'all!