#goldfish06

[goldfish06]

Who is this person?

I bet at least a few people are wondering. Eh, probably not, but oh well. It has been forever and a day since I have been on tumblr. There are several reasons for that, but it would take forever to post about it. Frankly, I don’t have that kind of time right now either. I need to go to bed very soon so I can do the adulting thing I sadly must do in order to pay my bills.

Moving right along, I’ve go some exciting news in my life and other news that isn’t nearly as exciting. The good news first! Despite being 28 years old and having fucked up royally with college, I am giving it a another go. It has always upset me greatly that I let myself fail at college the first time and only have a great amount of debt and no degree. I regret making the choice to let college fall to the side and paying the horrible price for it. I will be paying for this mistake for the rest of my life financially.

Not this time. This time is different and I can feel it. I will be taking two classes starting February 1st until May 22nd: Introduction to Veterinary Technology and College Algebra at CCBC Essex (Maryland, USA). I need to pass the Vet course with an A or B plus a biology course I plan to take in Fall 2016 semester also with an A or B. Provided I do that, I can apply to the Veterinary Technology program at CCBC and hopefully be accepted. I want to work with animals so bad that I can taste it. As a matter of fact, I’m working on a cover letter in order to begin applying to veterinary assistant positions in hopes of getting on the job experience as I take classes. I hope to prove to myself and my family that I want it enough and can do this.

The only other good news truly is that ever since I established a primary care giver, my A1c has been under 7 meaning that I’m considered a controlled diabetic medically. This has made me a very happy person. I plan to go to my doctor either tomorrow or Wednesday to get my new A1c and see where I am now. I also want to speak about getting an insulin pump as I have heard they can make it easier to control blood sugar levels. Hopefully my insurance will cover at least part of the pump and my doctor gives the go ahead.

Now for the not so happy news. For almost a year, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby.Most people are already gearing up for the ‘it’s okay it takes most people a year or more to have a baby!’ Or some might say ‘it’ll happen when it happens’ or maybe even ‘there’s no need to worry so much about it.’

Maybe for most people that’s true, maybe it might still be for me. However, I don’t feel that way. I’m a type one diabetic and have been for a little over a year for those that may not know. I don’t speak about it much and I have been gone for a long while. Regardless, that automatically means I’m considered a high-risk pregnancy. I also pointed out not too far up in my post, that I’m now 28 years old. I’m sure that some people will say that’s not a bad age to have children and again not to worry. Let me tell you something: I will and do worry no matter what you tell me. 

Why? Because of this that most people probably don’t know, but I have read: A woman in her early 20s who isn’t using birth control has a 20-25% chance of conceiving each month. By her late 20s, she has a 15-20% chance of hitting the baby jackpot each month. That number drops at 10-15% chance per month in her early 30s, an an 8-10% chance each month by her late 30s. So, I’m 28 years old and will be considered a high-risk pregnancy not matter my age. I don’t want to make it harder on my body to have my first child if it’s going to take much longer. By this point, when I have a baby, I will be 29 years old. I’m going to continue to worry about how long it’s taking me to have a baby because it very well might be that I need help having a baby. I’m a diabetic, and I have no idea if that might be making it harder or the fact that I might have endometriosis, which is possible as I do have some of the signs and have for years. If that’s the case, I have been wasting a year and stressing myself out for a year over something I need help doing. This is something I plan on speaking with the doctor about as well.

Still, I do plan on being more active here for fandoms I love and for personal sharing. Here is to hoping I find the right balance and can keep up with everything. I plan to work hard at it.

<3 goldfish06

[goldfish06]

Long time no see

It has been months since I’ve been on tumblr and frankly, it didn’t bother me all that much. There is a long story for this and explains why I haven’t been around for said period of time.

Part of it was because back in November, my husband and I finally got the call from Baltimore that we had been hoping for since August. He got the job and his first day of work was to be December 8th. At the time, that gave us literally a month before we had to move and be settled enough that we weren’t living out of boxes. Needless to say, November was a very busy month of putting in two week notices, packing, and working.

Before then, we had been discussing our cats as well. Back in June of 2011, I had adopted a black cat who I named Dante. He attached himself to my husband’s father and my husband more then he attached to me (but mostly to my husband’s father). One of the cats my husband’s family brought with them when they moved up to Wisconsin back in 2011 was named Stubby. I know I have talked about her ad the five kittens she gave birth to a few times before now. Regardless, my husband and I watched over one of them more than the others when I believed she was developing slower than the others. We grew attached and called her Persephone after deciding she would stay with us. That meant we now had two cats. Here is the real kicker though: the only boy kitten named Sylvester attached himself very firmly to me.

When we had been looking at apartments around Maryland, there was a pet limit to two pets per apartment meaning only two cats could come with us. Do you see the major issue now? I had three cats, but only two could come with us. My husband told me Persephone was coming meaning there was only one spot left, which was left up to me to decide who was coming and who was staying. I don’t believe I can ever explain just how hard it was to know I had to choose one cat over the other. In the end, I decided that Sylvester should come with us. Dante was far too much attached to Steve (husband’s father). Getting him in the car for a ride down the street to the vet had caused me to have to cancel a vet appointment due to his stress level being so high the vet told me not to bring him. I felt it would be crueler to him to make him have to sit in a car for 15 hours when he could barely tolerate 5 minutes AND separate him from his favorite human. Sylvester didn’t care for anyone else in the house either, and he had plenty of people to choose from (husband’s parents, his brother, his sister), but he chose me. How could I abandon him to a house full of people he simply didn’t like?

A decision on which cats to bring was settled and packing filled our days when we weren’t working or having to help around the house. We managed to get the apartment we wanted a week before we had to move thankfully. We left December 3rd and drove from Neenah, WI to Columbia, PA where my mom lives and stayed there. We drove down to Middle River, MD on December 5th and moved into our apartment. Unfortunately, no one in my family had been given enough advanced notice about the move to take work off (it was a Friday) to help us move and so it was literally the two of us moving all our stuff out of our cars. That weekend was spent buying furniture, food and unpacking. My husband started his job on Monday as he was supposed to do and I stayed at the apartment still getting things squared away and looking for a job.

I never managed to get a job in December, but my family threw us a reception on the 27th for the wedding they missed the year before (December 3rd, 2013). I’ve been giving serious thought to going back to school (third time’s a charm so they say), but to be a vet technician. I certainly haven’t rushed into it, not even close, but thought maybe getting a job as a vet assistant would give me some real insight about what they do. It would help me decide if I truly wanted to go to school to be a vet tech. Of course, I found out soon after that, that you can be certified for the position and most jobs in the area are looking for people that are certified. That costs money of course and I was jobless meaning I couldn’t afford it.

I continued to apply for jobs, but not as many as I should have. For a few months by that point, I had been feeling not like myself. I did find happiness in things that I did before, I withdrew into myself and worried constantly about money, but seemed (and I want to emphasize that word) also paralyzed to change it. Of course I wasn’t, but my mind just… I don’t really know. Sometimes when I worry enough about something, I seem to freeze in place and don’t try to take the necessary steps to change the situation. So most of January went by and I still didn’t have a job, but worried about us being able to continue on. I say most of January because about ¾ of January went by before I finally got an interview. Not as a vet assistant, but as a security guard. I have 3 years of experience in the field and nearly two of it includes being an assistant supervisor. Once they checked my background, I was offered the job and filled out all the paperwork Friday (February 6th). Hell, I even got paid for filling out the paperwork and just yesterday worked 6 hours doing book training. I have book training tomorrow as well. Things are looking up right?

Somewhat. I haven’t been sleeping well since we moved and even then, it was before then when we were packing and getting ready to move. My uncle text me yesterday and we admitted that I’m a bit depressed. He has been dealing with it for years and said he will try to help me with some of it. To be honest, parts of it stem from my fucking up at college and giving myself far too much debt. Because all I do is worry about paying for my bills, about needing to go to the doctor to establish a new diabetic team, being able to pay for that, getting a vet assistant job, being able to save money to go back to school, having a kid within the next 2 years at the latest so I have less of a chance of there being complications due to my age and whatever else may come.

Yeah, I’ve just loaded myself with worry after worry haven’t I? It still doesn’t help that I’ve got low self esteem STILL and feel like a damn failure because of college. There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I messed up but keep pressing on and accept it, but I really hate that I let myself fail that badly to begin with. I simply have to learn to accept the bad (or really bad in my mind) with the good, but it feels a little hard to do when the bad is dictating my life so damn much. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but somehow I have to. Hopefully with help (support) I will.

My uncle suggested for the moment I make some short term goals that are reachable and put deadlines for them. Make myself more accountable for reaching them in time and put in the time and effort for it. So I’m going to try to do that. I’m going to try damn hard because I hate how I’m living right now. No one can change it but me and it’s time I fucking start. He also suggested that I look for the little things that make me happy. That’s something I’m trying to do as well and started last night. Tumblr does make me feel better, so I’m going to try to be more active again. Maybe I will try writing stories again little by little. I’m not sure yet, but I’m going to try to get a plan together and start making things better/easier.

Thanks to anyone who decides to read this.

goldfish06

[chrispineofficial]

When Sherlock overdosed, Mycroft dropped everything with work to be with him in the hospital. He sat in that uncomfortable hospital chair and waited for Sherlock's eyes to open. When they did (though they wouldn't stay open for long), Mycroft was wide awake and his suit was rumpled behind saving. He reached over and ran a hand through Sherlock's curls quietly telling him to go back to sleep, big brother would be there when he woke again.

argh argh argh i live for the holmes brothers 

like they will never show it in the light of day but in quiet moments like “your loss would break my heart” it is so real and so true and aasldkfj

mycroft holmes is a fucking saint of a big brother and just please more of this bless and thank

send me endearing mycroft headcanons

[jocelee]

goldfish06 replied to your post “last season’s finale was like the hopeful happy end of an adventure...”

Holy shit that's accurate. Thank you

thank you so fucking much, i'm glad someone gets it bc that's seriously the general feels vibe i'm feeling.

[jocelee]

goldfish06 replied to your post “stay tuned for scenes of next week’s elementary"? no? okay. ”

The pain of knowing we have to wait until September will kill me... Two fucking hiatus(es?) for Sherlock Holmes... I hate it...

[sigh] we are the fandom that waits, always. unfortunately.

[bbcjohn]

twoshadesofthesamecolor reblogged your post real talk though who would be upset if... and added:

Personally I think it depends, since you said husband I think it’s safe to assume sex is a factor in the...

yeah that's what I mean by like it's better for it to be your actual spouse in my opinion, but if you're not there then... I agree like I would rather it be me to satisfy my husband than someone on some random movie, but in general I don't see the issue

goldfish06 replied to your post: real talk though who would be upset if...

My husband does watch porn and I don’t have a problem with it. He has been watching it since before we met.

exactly and I don't understand why it's assumed that men will automatically stop watching porn once they are married. like if a man is having sex and watching porn when he's not married, it's not like he's just going to stop watching porn once he is

regalrory replied to your post: real talk though who would be upset if...

I’m a (gay) guy, and no. It’s not like he’d love those people. And if I wasn’t home, I mean, it’s a good alternative? And it’s good for ideas maybe? I don’t see the big deal.

yeah if you're not there I mean it's kind of hard to get turned on by just yourself so I'd imagine most people would need something to get it going haha

astudyinrose replied to your post: johnissherlocked replied to your post:...

all men watch porn it’s a fact

this is the gospel

[earlgreytea68]

goldfish06 replied to your post “Do you know who’s one year old today?  Oliver! Well. Not really....”

Oh lovely! I was wondering when exactly Mycroft came in with Oliver. I'm so happy you invited the little guy! <3 Here's to more wonderful time with him and our Baker Street boys!

I think there's one tiny, tiny reference to it in the story. John, after putting Oliver to sleep on possibly the night of John's birthday? Comes downstairs and asks Sherlock what they're going to do on March 17. Sherlock says, "The anniversary of the day Mycroft brought him to us? We'll take him to feed the ducks." I didn't actually write the scene, but in my head they take him to feed the ducks every March 17. 

[jenlock-pilgrim]

Tagged!

whoops, I kind of forgot about this, but goldfish06 tagged a while ago!

Rules:

Rule 1: Always post the rules. Rule 2: Answer the questions the person who tagged you asked and write 11 new ones. Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to the post. Rule 4: Actually tell them you tagged them.

1. What is it you love to write/draw most of all?

Hmm I mostly like to sketch bodies, I think. As to writing... it can be anything from a short fanfiction that came to my mind to an outburst of everything I'm feeling at the moment.

2. What is your OTP?

Sherlolly!!! I have lots of other OTPs, too, but that's my main one right now...

3. Do you prefer to use a reading device (Kindle, Nook, etc.) or a book when reading? If you read that is.

Definitely a book. My dad is trying to convince me I'm wrond, and the Kindle is better. I see why it can be great... but I love books. Their smell and their touch and the way I'm feeling when I just walk down the street, hugging a book to my chest... I get what I'm saying?

4. What country do you live in?

Israel!

5. What kind of music do you listen to?

Mostly Indie pop and Indie rock... though I don't understand much about music.

6. If you could have any job, what would it be and why?

A programmer. In any place that will have me. Really, just writing software is my dream (I know I sound weird). And I will be doing it next year in the army!!! (so excited about it!)

7. Do you speak more than one language? If so, what other(s)?

Yes. My native tongue is Hebrew, and I also speak English fluently. I learned Arabic in school for 3 years... but that was 3 years ago and I don't remember much now :(

8. If you read fanfiction, what is your favorite genre?

Fluff, and it's better if it's funny!

9. What season is your favorite?

That's a difficult question. I used to loooove the summer, but last summer my boyfriend influenced me a bit too much and I didn't really enjoy the heat. And I don't like the winter since I'm very sensitive to the cold. I love some things in every season, I guess.

10. Where would you love to go on vacation if given the chance?

I would like to go to England to satisfy all my Harry Potter needs... But I'll mostly like to do the "Israel National Trail". It's about 1,000 kilometers, from one tip of Israel to the other. It can from one month and up to three, depends how fast you want to do it...

11. What motivated you to join tumblr?

Back in my House MD days, I obsessed all over the internet until I found a tumblr blog... and another... and another... Until I decided to join!

And now, my questions!

1. What was your favorite book as a child?

2. If you could live in any country, what would it be and why?

3. What was the first Fandom you joined?

4. Best midnight snack?

5. When did you join Tumblr and why?

6. Favorite band/singer?

7. Who do you look up to?

8. What's your favorite time of the day?

9. Tell me a bit about your best friends.

10. Do you remember your dreams?

11. What is your earlier memory?

Wow, I didn't realize making up questions would be that difficult. Now, who will I tag?

hotel-de-la-bootiebutt, dyeyell, coffeewithsugarplease, starfleetingly, yesibelieveinsherlockholmes, 100years-to-live, shoreshroot, phantomas67, hufflepuffin221b, morbidmegz, thechrysalis

You are all the chosen ones! (but it's ok if you won't do it, I know it takes time!)