#good omens transcripts

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E04): Furfur confronts Crowley and Aziraphale.

AZIRAPHALE: Sorry, have we met? FURFUR: Oh, no, you never had the pleasure, but ah… we have, haven't we? CROWLEY: Have we? FURFUR: What do you mean "have we", you know we have! We were in the same legion. … Just before the fall. Doing dubious battle on the plains of Heaven. Remember? CROWLEY: I remember going into battle, I don't remember being there with you. Sorry. FURFUR: I was right next to yeh! We did loads together! You said jump on my back like the monkey in a waistcoat! Anyway, whether you do or whether you don't, it doesn't matter. I'm here to inform you, as a representative of the high powers of Hell, that you, Crowley, are in breach of the infernal code. Consulting and collaborating with an Angel, Fell the Marvelous, aka… Azirapalala. Azirapapap. Aziphapalala. AZIRAPHALE: Aziraphale. CROWLEY: Pure coincidence. I happen to be here, he asked for a volunteer… FURFUR: "The miraculous Bullet Catch requires the use of a trusted stooge and confidant." AZIRAPHALE: Where did you get that booklet? It's only available to working professional magicians, such as myself. FURFUR: [speaking German] ZOMBIE MAN: We… got it from the man in the magic shop just after you left. It was… [laughs] his last wish that we should have it. AZIRAPHALE: But you're dead. FURFUR: Living dead. Now, agents of Hell. ZOMBIE MAN: [screams] FURFUR: Don't bother trying any funny business. I think you'll find that someone who has great authority has put a half hour miracle block on this entire theater. CROWLEY: Who? FURFUR: Me! Who do you think? Come on, come on… Erm… All right, Crowley. Shall we? CROWLEY: Oh, we shan't, this is ridiculous. FURFUR: No, what's ridiculous is demons like you doing what they please and somehow still getting on, while demons like me graft for hundreds and hundreds of millennia and never get a sniff of a promotion! Well not this time. Expect a legion to come for you first thing tomorrow. Enjoy your last night on Earth.

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E04): Blur the edges.

CROWLEY: How? There was a miracle blocker on the room, I saw you put it back in the envelope. AZIRAPHALE: Who needs a miracle when you've had private lessons from the great Prof. Hoffman himself? I simply say the magic words: banana, fish, gorilla, shoe lace, with a dash of nutmeg, and… Well. I got it right the time that mattered. CROWLEY: You really are terrible at magic. Shall we retire the act? AZIRAPHALE: Perhaps. Might be for the best. CROWLEY: Hmm. AZIRAPHALE: I, uh. I knew you would come through for me. You always do. CROWLEY: Well, you said "trust me". AZIRAPHALE: And you did. I mean, you could've walked away. If you were truly as evil as you like to paint yourself, you would have done that. CROWLEY: Nah. That's the trouble with you lot - you tend to see things in black and white. Sometimes, you've just gotta blur the edges. AZIRAPHALE: Well, maybe there is something to be said for… shades of grey. CROWLEY: Well, shades of… dark grey. AZIRAPHALE: Shades of very light grey, I'd rather fancy.

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E04): Aziraphale meets Shax.

AZIRAPHALE: Let's see, could you play something that has a bit of swing? I'm in the mood for something modern - but not bebop. [BENTLEY BEGINS PLAYING 'MOONLIGHT SERENADE' BY GLEN MILLER] AZIRAPHALE: Perfect. … Oh, I wish I could stop and give you a lift, but I'm so late. I'm sure someone will stop for you. [clears throat] How odd. I'm so, so sorry. I really do have to get to-- Oh! HITCHHIKER: I'm so sorry, can you be an angel and give me a lift? Only my, my car's broken down and, and my phone's dead. Just to the next town, there's a garage there. AZIRAPHALE: Oh… Yes, well… I suppose you'd better climb in, then. HITCHHIKER: Oh, you are the nicest person. I'd given up, thank you. AZIRAPHALE: Yeah. HITCHHIKER, NOW THE DEMON SHAX: I knew you couldn't resist somebody in distress. What a heap of junk this car is. You think you would have upgraded sometime in the last 90 years, but no. AZIRAPHALE: Who are you? SHAX: It's Aziraphale, isn't it? Former Angel of the Eastern Gate. AZIRAPHALE: You have the advantage on me. SHAX: I do, yes. Shax. Former Admissions demon, senior grade. Now a Hell's ambassador planner potentially to this corner of the planet. Replacing the demon Crowley. AZIRAPHALE: Ah. SHAX: Crowley's got Gabriel, hasn't he? AZIRAPHALE: [car swerves abruptly] I really have no idea what you're talking about. SHAX: It's the only thing that makes sense. Crowley is hiding the Angel Gabriel. AZIRAPHALE: I think you must have me confused for someone else. SHAX: I'm a little bemused as to why Crowley should risk destruction for you. You don't seem his type at all. I can tell Hell Crowley's got him. AZIRAPHALE: Crowley doesn't have Gabriel. Where would be put him? Gabriel would never go to Crowley, he hates Crowley. SHAX: He hates you. AZIRAPHALE: I don't know where he is, but he isn't with Crowley. SHAX: No? AZIRAPHALE: No. SHAX: You know what? Sometime in the last 80-90 years, I remember hearing that you and Crowley were an item. I didn't believe it then. Not really. Poor old Furfur. He thought you were his ticket to the big time. Now he's in Requisitions. AZIRAPHALE: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. Nor where this Angel Gabriel, who I've never heard of, might be. SHAX: You can let me out here. AZIRAPHALE: This is the middle of nowhere. SHAX: Sounds about right. It's okay. You've already told me where he is. AZIRAPHALE: No! How, how did I tell you where Gabriel is? SHAX: You didn't. You have now.

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E06): The Metatron makes an offer. (Part 2 of 2)

AZIRAPHALE: If I'm in charge… I can make a difference. CROWLEY: Ohhh… Oh God, right, okay. Right. I didn't get a chance to say what I was going to say - I think I'd better say it now. Right. Okay. Yes. So. [exhales] We've known each other a long time. We've been on this planet for a long time, I mean, you and me. I could always rely on you. You could always rely on me. We're a team, a group! Group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't. [pauses] I mean, the last few years, not really. [pauses again] And I would like to spend-- [frustrated noise] I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can! Just the two of us. We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic! We need to get away from them, just be an us. You and me, whaddya say? AZIRAPHALE: Come with me, to Heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference! CROWLEY: You can't leave this bookshop. AZIRAPHALE: Oh, Crowley… Nothing lasts forever. CROWLEY: No. No, I don't suppose it does. Good luck. AZIRAPHALE: 'Good luck'? Crow-Crowley! Crowley, come back! To Heaven… Work with me! We can be together… Angels! Doing good! [sombre music playing] I- I need you! …I don't think you understand what I'm offering you. CROWLEY: I understand. I think I understand a whole lot better than you do. AZIRAPHALE: Well. Then there's nothing more to say. CROWLEY: Listen. D'ya hear that? AZIRAPHALE: I don't hear anything. CROWLEY: That's the point. No nightingales.[melancholy music playing] You idiot. We could have been… us. [music swells to a crescendo] AZIRAPHALE: I-I… I forgive you. CROWLEY: [sighs] Don't bother. [melancholy music] AZIRAPHALE: [sniffs] METATRON: How did he take it? AZIRAPHALE: Ah, not well. [forced chuckle] METATRON: Ah well, always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions, too. Right, ready to start? AZIRAPHALE: I… But, um… My bookshop… METATRON: Ah, yes. Well, for now, I've entrusted it to Muriel! So it should be in good hands. AZIRAPHALE: But, um… METATRON: Anything you need to take with you? AZIRAPHALE: No. Nothing I can think of. METATRON: Ahh. AZIRAPHALE: I think I… [music swells and fades] Nothing at all. [forced chuckle] METATRON: Well, I can't think of a better angel to wrap things up. And to set into motion the next step in the Great Plan. AZIRAPHALE: Um, yes, you mentioned that. Can I know what it is? METATRON: Well, it's something we need an angel of your talents to direct. An angel who is familiar with how they do things on the Earth. AZIRAPHALE: Oh? METATRON: We call it The Second Coming. [dramatic music] AZIRAPHALE: [sighs] AUTOMATED VOICE: Doors closing. Going up. [melancholy music] [car engine starts] [THE BENTLEY IS PARTWAY THROUGH PLAYING ‘A NIGHTINGALE SANG IN BERKELEY SQUARE’ BY TORI AMOS] RADIO: --a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. [music stops abruptly]

[Part 1]

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E06): The Metatron makes an offer. (Part 1 of 2)

METATRON: Well, you don't have to answer immediately - take all the time you need. AZIRAPHALE: I… I don't know what to say. METATRON: Well then, go and tell your friend the good news! MAGGIE: We're just going. NINA: I'm sure you two have a lot to say. METATRON: What's that you're holding, Muriel? MURIEL: A book. It's called a book. I'm "reading a book". METATRON: Excellent! What a perfectly splendid thing to do. MURIEL: Is it? Oh. [giggles] Yes! Jolly good. CROWLEY: Look, I suppose, um… I've got something to say. I know we ought to be talking about-- It's probably best if I start off doing all the talking, you do all the listening, 'cause-- [sputters] If I don't start talking now, I won't ever start talking. Right? Yes. So-- AZIRAPHALE: What's that lovely human expression? Oh yes-- hold that thought! [laughs] You see, I- I have some incredibly good news to give you! CROWLEY: Really? AZIRAPHALE: I, um… So, ah, um… The Metatron, you know, I don't think he's as bad a fellow-- Well, I, uh, I-I think I might have misjudged him. You see… I, ah, well… He said, um, ah, that Gabriel obviously hadn't worked out… [chuckles] as Supreme Archangel and Commander of the Heavenly Hosts, and he asked who I thought should take over in Heaven now that Gabriel was gone. And I said-- FLASHBACK AZIRAPHALE: Michael? FLASHBACK METATRON: Oh, don't be silly! No, no, no, no, no. There's only one candidate who makes even the slightest bit of sense. And that's you. AZIRAPHALE: And I said, "Me?" And he said-- FLASHBACK METATRON: Well, yes! You're a leader, you're honest, you don't just tell people what they want to hear. It's why Gabriel came to you in the first place, I imagine. There are huge plans afoot, enormous projects, and I will need you to run them. You are just the angel for the job. FLASHBACK AZIRAPHALE: But I-I-I-I don't want to go back to Heaven. Ah… Where would I get my coffee? FLASHBACK METATRON: You know, as Supreme Archangel, you would be able to decide who to work with. Yeah, I've been looking back over a number of your… previous exploits, and I see that in quite a few of them, you formed a de facto… [pauses] partnership with the demon Crowley. Now if you wanted to work with him again, that… might be considered irregular. But it would certainly be within your jurisdiction to restore your friend, Crowley, to full angelic status. CROWLEY: He said what. AZIRAPHALE: He said I could appoint you to be an angel. You could come back! To Heaven, and, and everything! Like the old times. Only even nicer! [laughs] CROWLEY: …right. And you told him just where he could stick it, then? AZIRAPHALE: Not at all…? CROWLEY: Oh, we are better than that. You're better than that, angel! You don't need them, I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no! I'm not gonna be joining their team, and neither should you! AZIRAPHALE: But… Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys! But Heaven… Well, it-it's the side of truth, of-of light. Of good. CROWLEY: When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it. Tell me you said no. [music swells] Tell me you said no.

[Part 2]

[kashiichan]

Good Omens Transcript (S02E06): Maggie and Nina confront Crowley.

NINA: No, it won't do any good. MAGGIE: It doesn't matter! We have to tell them. NINA: [scoffs] Fine. Anyone wants anything, tell 'em we'll be back in five minutes. MS. CHENG: [SAYS SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSLATE] Okay. [waves] CROWLEY: [groans] MAGGIE: Tidied up! NINA: Where's the other one? We need to talk to you. CROWLEY: He's out-- not a good time. NINA: I wasn't asking. There are things you need to hear. You and your… partner have been messing about in our lives. MAGGIE: We're not a game, we're real people. You can't just pair us up for your amusement. CROWLEY: [sputters] You were crying, and Nina needed rescuing, and-- NINA: My relationship just ended! I am not ready to start another one yet; I'd just be a rebound mess. I can't start seeing Maggie! When I'm ready I hope she'll be there, but there isn't any guarantee. MAGGIE: [whispers] There is. NINA: You're not helping, angel. Look at you two. You're the hard-bitten one who can't trust anyone ever again, and Mr. Wherever-He-Is is the soft one, who still believes in magic and people being basically good and all that. CROWLEY: Why are you telling me all this? I don't understand. MAGGIE: That's why she's telling you, because you don't understand. Because you and Mr. Fell don't ever talk to each other. CROWLEY: We talk all the time! We've been talking for millions of years! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-- I say something brilliant, he says something unintentionally funny back. It's great. MAGGIE: You never say what you're really thinking. It was all we needed. It's what you two need as well. Crowley: [stares]