loving someone scares me, alot, letting someone in and being able to make me from happy to sad in a heartbeat, scares the shit out of me. And aswell, it scares the shit out of me that i have someones happiness in the palm of my hand, i can make someone happy to sad with just words, just seconds and i can make someone sad, and i hate the fact that loving someone and letting someone in makes me crazy, i am crazy, im not going to lie, i can put myself in a bad mood in seconds, i am very good at doing that, but also people are really good at letting you down, i have been let down so much, i shut down, i didnt let people in, i havnt for a long time, but you know when you meet someone and it all changes, you let them in, you show them around your head, ideas, things you love, things you dont like, they see everything and you're letting them pick the bits of information from your head, and the only think they do with it is, when its needed, the things they know too well how to get in your head and THAT is how you get hurt, its so easy to push people away and to not let people in, but its so hard to open up to someone again, we get so scared of getting hurt we end up pushing people away, being cold hearted doest mean you dont care, it means you cared and i got hurt, and wont let that happen again. BUT, i have, i have let my feelings grow for the most amazing person ive met,nicest guy ive ever met, no joke, would give me the world if he could, and i know that, but on the other hand, very sensitive, and a thinker, and thats hard for me, im cold, i dont do feelings, but i guess letting someone in means you do have to feel something right?,right, i have more feelings then intended, i hate the fact i get so attached to people that when they leave me, i dont know what to do, i feel lost, but i think ive gotten to the point that if im hurt, ill get angry, not upset, no point crying, i just get angry and start to say stuff i dont mean, i get bitchy and horrible, i get angry because im hurt, i dont like getting hurt so i backfire, im mean, insensitive and will most proably end up pushing you away. You might think im a bitch, i dont care about anyone but myself blah blah blah..no, i dont know if its being strong, or too sensitive, but im happier feeling nothing then everything, well, i used to be happier like that, he makes me so happy, and i dont think he realises how special he is to me. I think at the moment im torn between feeling and not feeling, and when i say feeling i dont mean loving him because that is easy, but not feeling is when we argue and i dont get sad, or i get too angry, or, i dont feel anything at all when i know i should feel something. but i think thats just my head telling me to shut it out or ill get hurt.
