#grace grumbles

[xxbillieshears]

on my way to see louisa for the first time since march!!!

[xxbillieshears]

a bright spot of today is that i came out on facebook and people have been overwhelmingly kind and supportive. it’s nice to cry some happy tears in the midst of all this.

[xxbillieshears]

two days ago, my brother called me and told me he had bought a one-way ticket to europe, and was leaving tuesday (today). yesterday, he told our dad. today, we took him to the airport. 

i’m so happy for him and his new adventure, but i’m also nervous (he’s my big brother! i’m a worrier!) and sad that i’ve got no idea when we’ll see each other again. he doesn’t like to plan, he’s not good with communicating, and he doesn’t like other people (even family, sometimes especially family) to know what he’s up to or how he’s feeling or where he is. he likes being off the grid. he likes choosing what we know and when we know it, even vital information, like leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time. 

i’ve been thinking about our relationship through the years, and all the ways it’s changed as we’ve grown up. i’ve been thinking about our mother a lot, and how differently we all thought this would all turn out, how different camden would be if she hadn’t died when she did - if he’d be less detached from us. if he’d let us in more. if he’d think of our family as a happy thing, instead of a sometimes-painful obligation. 

i know my brother loves me. but sometimes it feels like he could walk away from me and not look back, as though i’m a chapter that he’s left behind, a part of a book he’s done reading.

i’m excited for him, but i’m sad to see him go. and as i sit here writing this, as i’m starting to get teary-eyed again, a song he wrote has started playing, and i have his warbly voice crooning into my ears: someone really loves you, guess who?

i hope he’ll have a great adventure. and when he decides he’s ready to come home, i’ll be waiting to hear all about it.

[xxbillieshears]

hiking trip time! my friend mary and i are gonna climb mount washington wednesday, hop around a couple state parks thursday, and hike the franconia ridge friday! we rented a little cabin that’s right on a river, and i am so excited. cross your fingers that i meet a beautiful mountain river mermaid and never come home again.

[xxbillieshears]

sweet and lovely hannah (@sunnysucculents) tagged me to post 10 things i love. so, in no particular order, here we go!

1. getting “thinking of you”/”saw this and thought of you” text messages 2. poetry (writing it, reading it, watching it, all of it!) 3. sharing/talking about music you love 4. spending a whole day reading with no interruptions 5. walking barefoot through the woods 6. swimming in rivers 7. sending/receiving letters and care packages 8. hearing someone’s voice for the first time in awhile and the sudden rush of fondness that accompanies it 9. keeping a journal 10. sleepovers where you stay up all night talking 

tagging @ramannoodles20, @thisbirdbites, @theperksofbeingabooknerd, @wibbelkind, @regina-cordium, and anyone else who’d like to! no pressure, of course. <3 

[xxbillieshears]

this past weekend i went to my hometown to see some of my closest friends, and i told them i'm bi, which i was really nervous about! i’ve wanted to tell them for months, but never really had the opportunity (it was important to me to do it face to face, and at a time when i could either tell them all together or at least all in the same day), so it was starting to feel like i was carrying around this big secret, which i didn’t want - and the longer i wasn’t able to tell them, the more nervous i was getting. but they were all really great about it! and i feel like a big weight has been lifted! and i’m so happy that i’m able to be honest with them and it doesn’t feel like i’m hiding a part of myself! so yay! 

[xxbillieshears]

lovely and wonderful jessie (aka @thisbirdbites) tagged me!

You can tell a lot about someone by the music they listen to. Hit shuffle on your ipod/iphone/itunes/media player and write down the first 20 songs, then pass this on to 10 people.

By Your Side, CocoRosie i’ll scrub your floor, never be a bore, i’ll tuck you in at night, i do not snore

The Sad Tale of the Beauxhommes, Once On This Island from bad blood to worse, the name of the curse: beauxhommes

Tears Dry On Their Own, Amy Winehouse he walks away, the sun goes down

Take Me Anywhere, Tegan and Sara you take the good and all the bad that comes with me 

Take Me To A Higher Plane, Kate Nash i will never open my heart

Sounds Like Hallelujah, The Head and The Heart so i won’t keep myself around just to keep you warm

Unfolding Fans, Andrew Bird (instrumental)

All This Time (Pick-Me-Up Song), Maria Mena you have had it in you, you just sometimes need a push

The Water, Johnny Flynn & Laura Marling i’m done with my dying

What Sarah Said, Death Cab for Cutie love is watching someone die - so who’s gonna watch me die?

Cold Shoulder, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone i’m coming back to you, unshaven, unslept, and sorry

Judas my Heart, Belly can i get a witness before you do this to my heart again?

Boys Don’t Cry, The Cure i would do most anything to get you back by my side

Rocks and Daggers, Noah and the Whale oh, well it comforts me

Pound of Flesh, Regina Spektor if you’re not forgotten, then you can live forever

Hey, The Pixies if you go, i will surely die

We All Make the Little Flowers Grow, Lee Hazlewood it’ll make no difference in a hundred years or so

Jealousy, Natalie Merchant sometimes, tell me, while she’s touching you, just by mistake - accidentally, do you say my name?

About the Moon, Rilo Kiley the highways are free and clear, but they won’t take you away from here

Pills n’ Potions, Nicki Minaj i’m angry, but i still love you

I’m really sleepy bean, so I’m not tagging anyone, but if you want to do it, say I tagged you! :)

[xxbillieshears]

music tag!

i was tagged by @nebula83, hooray!

rules: write the first ten songs that come up on shuffle, no skipping, and write your favorite lyric from each song. then tag 10 people.

1. end of the movie, cake the people you hate will get their hooks into you, they’ll pull you down, you’ll frown, they’ll tar you and drag you through town, but you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

2. beauty mark, rufus wainwright i never had it, i never wanted it

3. underwater, tegan & sara i left signs on the lawn, where have they gone? did you take them to tease me? to follow or lead me?

4. the end (a capella), little mix i can’t keep breaking up with you

5. who knows?, the la’s who knows what tomorrow knows?

6. kylie from connecticut, ben folds she never told a soul for the last thirty years

7. just like the movies, regina spektor don’t say goodbye like you’re burying him, ‘cause the world is round and he might return

8. summertime, the head and the heart take my soul and bury it in the earth

9. it’s thunder and it’s lightening, we were promised jetpacks your body was black and blue

10. nothing to remember, neko case i’m ashamed that i’m barely human, i’m ashamed i don’t have a heart you can break

i’m tagging @ramannoodles20, @wibbelkind, @jessieleay, @eye-on-eye, and @sunnysucculents - only if you want to, of course! <3