As aros, we tend to be quite aware of amatonormativity, but it might be hard to explain or give concrete examples of it, especially when explaining it to alloromantics. This guide and workbook aims to explain what amatonormativity is by giving examples of how it manifests and how it can be harmful. Through a series of exercises and reflections, people can learn to better identify and challenge amatornomativity. There are also a number of sources and narratives to help people understand its impact and learn from lived experiences. The worbook is aimed at (monogamous) alloromantic folks, but could be useful for aros who are struggling with internalized amatonormativity.
There are currently five versions of the guide/workbook:
Digital workbook (fillable PDF)
Printer-friendly workbook (printable PDF)
Google Docs version
Youtube (audio with CC)
Downloable MP3
The workbook can be found on here on my WordPress. Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity. And if you consider yourself an ally to aros, please consider engaging with this material and spreading it in your circles. Challenging amatonormativity is not the responsibility of the aro community alone!
A thanks and a shout-out to those who helped, including @aroace-avenue.
Amatonormativity is deeply embedded in our society and intersects with other social systems. Understanding and challenging amatonormativity requires digging deeper and learning about these intersections. As a follow up to "Challenging Amatonormativity- A Beginner's Guide", this guide addresses how amatonormativity intersects with white supremacy/colonialism, the cisheteropatriachy, ableism, capitalism, and desirability politics. There are a series of exercises and reflections to help you better identify and challenge amatornomativity. Sources are also included, which can be useful for more deeply engaging with certain material.
There are currently five versions of the guide/workbook:
Digital workbook (fillable PDF)
Printer-friendly workbook (printable PDF)
Google Docs version
Youtube (audio with CC)
Downloable MP3
The workbook can be found on here on my WordPress. Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity. And if you consider yourself an ally to aros, please consider engaging with this material and spreading it in your circles. Challenging amatonormativity is not the responsibility of the aro community alone!
I came across pod mapping a couple of months ago as a way to organize community care and support. I was excited by how this is something that could be potentially useful for aros (although by no means only meant for aros), so based on the original pod mapping, here's a little guide on how to pod map!
Average reading time: 5 minutes
Word count: 1023 words
What’s pod mapping?
Pod mapping originated within transformative justice work as a method of support around violence, abuse, and harmful experiences. It was created by Mia Mingus with the Bay Area Transformative Justice Collective (BATJC). It’s used to describe relationships of support around safety, accountability, transformation behaviors, or healing. Although it was originally developed for dealing with harm within communities, it can be adapted for more general support.
Living in an amatonormative society can leave many aromantic folks feeling as if we’re missing support systems that can be crucial to our everyday well-being and needs. While some of us engage in partnerships, whether they be romantic, platonic or queerplatonic, many of us don’t and are potentially lacking in support and connectedness. When society deems that long-term care occurs within romantic relationships or nuclear families, this can leave many of us with little options for support. Many of us feel isolated and don’t know who to turn to in times of need. Perhaps we have some friends we can receive emotional support from, but when it comes to more domestic or instrumental needs, which are often relegated to partnerships, we might not have someone to rely on. This is especially so if you are disabled or marginalized in other ways. This amatonormative capitalist nuclear family world isn’t built for us, especially those of who reject (romantic) partnerships. To remedy this, turning to community care may be a necessity (and a form of resistance against the systems that put us in these situations!). Pod mapping subverts the idea of care being based on love and desirability.
Who can be a part of my pod?
Pod mapping can be used to determine who can support you and who you can support. You can create a pod map for specific circumstances (for instance, related to disability needs) or one that is more general. It’s important to keep in mind that this requires reciprocity. Pod mapping incorporates mutual aid, and it should therefore be mutual. For every person you include in your pod, you have to think not only on what they can do for you but also what you can do for them.
The people in your pod don’t necessarily have to be your closest or most intimate relationships. They can also be neighbors, people from a club or organization you’re a part of, co-workers/colleagues, university cohort mates, fellow aros, etc…! The key ingredients for anyone in your pod are trust, care, respect, vulnerability, and accountability. Care in this situation does not have to be based on emotional closeness or love.
An important part of pod mapping is consent. Those you include in your pod should be aware of their place in it and what you’d like from them and what you’d be able to do for them. We all have something to contribute- if you’re unsure of what skills you have, check this out. There are many ways to contribute:
delivering groceries
financial support
emotional support
being a buddy (going places with someone or running errands with them)
(cooking) food
helping with chores
helping with disability needs
being a sounding board or helping someone problem-solve
providing a room or a couch for someone to crash on
giving people rides
translating documents
babysitting/helping with child-rearing
helping navigate bureaucracy and paperwork
and more!
If you have any mental health or psychosocial disability needs, you can consider filling in a mad map. This can be especially useful for your pod when you are in need of aid because your pod won’t have to be trying to figure out what you need. With map mapping, you already make it clear what you need. You can listen to a tutorial here. Even if you don't live with mental “illness” (not everyone identifies with illness) or madness or disability, map mapping might still be useful for times of crisis and need!
Asking someone to become a part of your pod can look like:
“Hello, I am looking for someone to become a part of my pod or support/mutual aid group. Would you like to be a part of it? I generally need support with [insert your needs]. What do you think you can contribute? In return, I can [insert what you can contribute]. What can I contribute to you?”
Having a conversation on mutual trust, respect, and accountability are also recommended to make sure that you and your pod are on the same page together.
Filling in your pod map
To fill in the pod map, you’ll first need the worksheet. The map can be accessed here.
[Image Description: A diagram composed of three rings of circles with a grey circle in the middle. Surrounding the grey circle is a ring of bold-outlined circles. The next outer ring is composed of dotted circles. The most outer ring is comprised of larger regular black outlined circles. At the bottom of the image there is text that says “Bay Area Transformative Justice Collective Pod Mapping.”]
The instructions below are written by Mia Mingus for the BATJC:
1) Write your name in the middle grey circle.
2) The surrounding bold-outlined circles are your pod. Write the names of the people who are in your pod. We encourage people to write the names of actual individuals, instead of things such as “my church group” or “my neighbors.”
3) The dotted lines surrounding your pod are people who are “movable.” They are people that could be moved into your pod, but need a little more work. For example, you might need to build more relationship or trust with them.
4) The larger circles at the edge of the page are for networks, communities or groups that could be resources for you. It could be your local domestic violence direct service organization, or your cohort in nursing school, or your youth group, or a transformative justice group. [This can also include queer support groups!]
You can also watch this video on how to create a pod map!
Credit goes to Mia Mingus and BATJC. Be sure to check out the original source of pod mapping at BATJC for further information and to honor the original intention of pod mapping.
I would like to thank everyone who participated in the March 2021 Carnival of Aros on the theme of Intersectionality and Inclusivity. I am grateful and humbled that people took the time to share their thoughts and experiences. I learned a lot by reading about their experiences, and I hope the rest of the community can be made better by these. Below is the list of submissions.
aroaceingit (she/they) wrote about how her/their aromanticism intersects with her/their disabilities and how this can make it hard to function. She/they expresses, “it’s also very hard for me to picture any future that doesn’t have me feeling and functioning the way I do now. And for that reason, I am afraid to be alone.”
Isaac (he) at Mundo Heterogéneo discusses a couple of intersectionalities, such as cultural background, gender identity, and relationship cardinality. He ends with expressing, “What I expect from a community about its intersections is to follow the Latin proverb “primum non nocere,” first not to harm.”
Temple Dragon (they/them) wrote about disability inclusion. They describe ways in which we can improve accessibility and better include those with disabilities. As a call to action, they ask us to “Please keep access features that became widespread during the pandemic going after it’s subsided, and continue to End Ableism.”
Jason W./DerelictSpectre (he/him) shared his experiences in the aro community, specifically that of being Black (and South Asian). He ends with imploring “all nonblack aros and even other members of the LGBTQ+ community to educate themselves on black history, and remember to listen, uplift, support, and protect your fellow black members of the LGBTQ+ community.”
Mesotablar the Apathetic Echidna (she/her) discusses how US culture has been dominating aromantic spaces and how this can affect how content and resources are shaped. She leaves us with some good questions: “What of the people making discoveries now? people from countries where the framework is not yet established? Will they see these resources as International or American?“
bedlaminthebigtop Part 1 writes about how essential intersectionality is, how POC are an integral part of the community, and that we need to stop conflating the aromantic community with being Western and White. “To all white aro people/organisations: Stop upholding whiteness as the default. That's not a real default, that's all you. It's manufactured. It's white supremacist. Stop making your activism and your resources and your education and your teams white-centric. Stop assuming that the community is white. Stop conceptualising the target audience of aromantic community resources as white. Your whiteness is not universal.”
bedlaminthebigtop Part 2 details how amatonormativity intersects with white supremacy, specifically with regards to selective prohibition vs. promotion of marriage. The numerous ways marriage and amatonormativity are used as a white supremacist tool of oppression and coercion is discussed. “Marriage is, historically and contemporarily, a way to force BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ folks to assimilate into white bourgeois norms of monogamy and gender roles. So go on, keep fucking pretending that intersectionality is optional and marriage will save the LGBTQIA+ community.” As a last point, the absolute necessity of intersectionality is stressed.
I (graces-of-luck; she/ey) wrote about how my Latine heritage intersects with my aromanticism and express how the dominant Whiteness in the aromantic community has affected the development of my aromantic identity. “It’s been a process for me to discover what a Latine version of my aromanticism would be. I don’t know yet what that is, to be honest.” I hope for more dialogue on intimacy and relationships that are culturally diverse and for more stories from Latine aros.
CharCharChar (they/them) discussed how they are approaching making their local ace and aro group more inclusive and what concrete steps White people can take to do this. They provide some helpful resources and concludes with “Do the thing. Listen. Ask for help. Keep trying.”
Violet (she/they) wrote about how the pandemic has given her/them a lot of time to think, in which she/they questioned not only her/their gender but her/their political beliefs. She/they expressed the importance of solidarity and ended with “It’s time to stop letting our ignorance divide us.“
While there is much room for improvement, I’m inspired by the possibilities of making our aromantic community more inclusive, of lifting each other up as we experience multiple identities, and expanding the meaning and experience of what it is to be aromantic.
April’s Carnival of Aros will be hosted by Constance Bougie. The call for submissions can be found on his/their blog.
The Carnival of Aros is a monthly blogging carnival with themes related to aromantic and aro-spec identities and experiences. More information can be found here.
Theme/Prompts
This month’s theme is on intersectionality and inclusivity within the aromantic community. You are welcome to use the prompts below, but feel free to take this in whatever direction you feel necessary.
Prompts below:
A Google Docs version is available for better readability here.
As aromantics, we can be marginalized. Thanks to the efforts of many in the aromantic community, activism has been increasing visibility and awareness of aromanticism and pushing towards community building and organization. However, we can also have other marginalized identities that intersect with our aromanticism or influence the way we experience it. “We do not live single issue lives,” as Audre Lord put it. The past year, aro(ace) organizations have released statements regarding racism and diversity, signaling an increasing awareness of tackling racial justice in aromantic spaces, but it is just the beginning. Additionally, there are other marginalized groups that need to be included when discussing diversity. An intersectional standpoint is therefore necessary for reaching collective justice and creating a community that is for all of us.
Should there be space for intersectionality and social/collective justice in aromantic organizations and communities? What are the experiences of aromantics who experience marginalization in other areas of their lives, and how can we make sure that everyone has a space in the aromantic community?
General
Do you feel that other marginalized identities are sufficiently represented/uplifted by the aromantic community and organizations? What has been your experience? What could be improved?
Do you think aromantic organizations and communities should be held accountable for being inclusive of other identities? Do you think aromantic organizations and communities have a responsibility to upholding social justice in the aromantic community? What could be done better here?
Race/Ethnicity and Culture
Aromanticism and asexuality are often seen as “White” identities, and generally BIPOC* and/or Hispanic/Latine* people do not always feel welcome in queer/LGBTQIA+ spaces. If you are BIPOC, AAPI, and/or Hispanic/Latine, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences in the aromantic community? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your racial/ethnic background?
The aromantic community can also be US-centric and Westernized. For those who are outside of the US or within the US but have non-Western backgrounds, do you feel there is a space for non-Western cultures and heritages in aromantic spaces? What about for religions that are not Christianity? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your culture/heritage and/or religion?
Neurodivergence, Disability, and Physical and Mental Illness
Many aromantics are also neurodivergent, disabled, and/or experience mental and physical illnesses. If you are neurodivergent and/or disabled and/or experience mental and physical illness, do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? What are your experiences? Do you feel that there is space for you to express your aromantic identity in a way that reflects your lived experience as a neurodivergent/disabled/”ill”** person?
Other Queer Identities
Do you identify with other non-arospec queer identities (sexual/romantic orientation and gender) in addition to aromantic? Do you feel comfortable and/or welcomed in aromantic spaces? Do you feel that there is space for you to discuss and share how your other queer identities impacts your aromanticism?
General Intersectionality
How do your different identities intersect? Are there other marginalized groups or identities that intersect with your aromanticism that are not recognized? How does this influence your experience?
Allies
If you don’t experience other forms of marginalization, do you find it important to uplift voices of aromantics from other marginalized groups? How can you help to make the aromantic community more inclusive to your fellow aromantics who experience other forms of marginalization?
Notes:
*BIPOC means Black, Indigenous, and People of Color and can encompass a wide group of Indigenous, Black, and Brown folks as well as Asian (AAPI) peoples. BIPOC is not to say that all marginalized people of color share the same experiences or that they can be lumped together, however. I’ve separated Hispanic/Latine because some Hispanic/Latine people are White or White-passing, but they do not necessarily share the same privilege as White Americans or White Europeans, for example.
**I use ill with quotation marks here because illness, especially mental illness, can be socially constructed and people can have different relationships with the term- some embrace it and use the label whereas others do not.
How to Participate
Write a blog post or create content related to the theme- any platform is acceptable as long as it is public and has a link.
Then, submit the link to me through Tumblr, Discord (gracesofluck#9245), or email ([email protected]). You’re also welcome to post the link in this thread on Arocalypse.
If you don’t have a place to post your own work, you can email it to me or submit it directly to my Tumblr, and I will host it for you on my Tumblr.
If you would like me to include particular pronouns or (user)names with your submission post in the round-up, please let me know.
Deadline and Round-up
Please submit your posts by Wednesday, March 31st. I plan to release the round-up on Thursday, April 1st.
Additionally, AUREA will be taking points from this Carnival of Aros to learn more about the experiences and needs of marginalized aros as they mention in this month’s What’s Going On.
Feel free to reblog this post. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me! Happy blogging!
I made the aroqueer flag out of some pretty paper in my journal to celebrate ASAW.
[Image description: The aroqueer flag crafted out of paper. On the top, there is text in dark green that says, “Here and Aroqueer.” The background is green with purple spots. On top of that are two overlapping arrow heads: the bottom arrow head is yellow and the top arrow is purple. In the middle of the purple arrow head, there is text in yellow that says, “You Do You.”]
Well-being and Amatonormativity: Round-up (Carnival of Aros, August 2021)
Word count: 362
Reading time: Approximately 2 minutes
This does not include the individual submissions.
For this month’s Carnival of Aros, the theme was on Well-being and Amatonormativity. The call for submissions can be found here. Participants touched on a range of different aspects of this with some writing about the adverse consequences of amatonormativity on well-being and others writing about how they handle the effects of amatonormativity. I hope the community can find some comfort in these relatable experiences and perhaps find some inspiration. Thank you to everyone who participated!
You can find the list of submissions below.
Michelle at Quiet ‘n’ Queer wrote about the difficulty of being yourself in the face of amatonormativity and having to hide who you are.
Mike examined the effect of continuously being asked if he’s lonely on himself and how the idea that single people are lonely impacts his ability to seek out support.
thinking-aromanticism addressed how not everyone, including alloromantic, buys into amatonormative norms and how it can be comforting to realize this. It asks, “Do allos really think that?” Potentially not!
Frawley wrote about the harmful effects of amatonormativity on their mental health before they realized they were aro and about their process of healing from that after embracing their aro identity.
L. E. Jeffreys (1, 2, 3) expressed how amatonormativity shows up in friendship and life through a series of touching poems.
CharCharChar demonstrated how they deal with amatonormativity by writing drabbles that that explore non-amatonormative relationships.
The Song System examined how the Aromantic Manifesto prompted her to think about the relationship between amatonormativity and a fear of undesirability (leading to the coining of a new term!) as well as how we can harness the power of language to create change.
Elin wrote about her experience of learning about aromanticism and the ubiquity of amatonormativity, especially in music, which she combats by giving new meanings to and rewriting songs about romance.
Artemis addressed how learning about amatonormativity helped her embrace and process her aromanticism by “flipping the script” and giving her something to challenge.
gracesofluckexpressed her difficulties of living in an amatonormative society and how participating in the aro community has helped eir confront and be resilient in the face of amatonormativity.
Well-being and Amatonormativity (Carnival of Aros, August 2021)
Word count: 713 words
Reading time: Approximately 3-4 minutes
Content warning: Amatonormativity
For this month's CoA, the theme is on amatonormativity and how it affects wellbeing.
Being aromantic, I feel intimately acquainted with the negative consequences of amatonormativity. Especially over the past year, I’ve been doing a deep dive into amatonormativity in order to better understand it and its impacts on society. The struggles of being aromantic can sometimes be dismissed or belittled or be used to pathologize aromanticism. This is why I find it important to name systems of oppression when discussing the experiences of aromanticism that are not so positive. I get frustrated when I see facts on queer mental health that demonstrate high rates of mental disorders but don’t contextualize them by explicitly naming the systems of oppression that contribute to these struggles.
Equipped with this knowledge, I have come to realize how many of my own struggles are rooted in amatonormativity. Especially as an adult when we are expected to be getting into committed romantic relationships and married, I find the negative impacts of amatonormativity very hard to avoid. It’s so pervasive, but I feel invisible when many around me just don’t see it (or don't see it as a problem). It feels like shouting into the void sometimes. Amatonormativity has a toll on my physical, social, emotional, and existential well-being, which culminates in struggles with mental health. Making friends as an adult is already challenging, but it’s frustrating that whenever I try to make friends, I have to worry about whether or not they’re amatonormative (most likely they are to some degree) and if they’ll end up hurting me if so- whether intentionally or unintentionally. I have to contend with the fact that people I care so deeply about might end up so willingly giving me up because of their romantic partners. It feels utterly dehumanizing and devaluing, as if I’m not worth it because I’m “just a friend.” Getting my needs met is also a challenge, especially when much of society deems that those needs should be met in a romantic partnership. It is difficult to live day in and day out and cope with stressors when a lot of my needs aren’t met. Healing is relational (for me, at least), but healing can be prevented when attempts at relating to others is often disrupted by amatonormativity. I shouldn’t have to be able to “love” in order to have my needs met or to be cared for. Planning a future and looking ahead feels bleak at times as I wonder whether I will just continue to be in this same situation. Many things I want for my life feel unreachable.
Given all this, how do we create lives we’re content with? How do we take care of ourselves? I admit that I sometimes feel a bit defeatist because of amatonormativity. It’s the dark cloud that hangs over me and impedes my thriving. As I try to build the life I want, it’s the torrential rain that tries to sweep away the seeds I sow. Despite the storm, I press onward and continue to hope for the best. One positive aspect of learning about amatonormativity, is that it actually helped me embrace my aromanticism. Before then, I wondered if I was a little broken, but afterwards I knew that it’s not me that is broken but society. Aromanticism for me is not just an orientation but it has also become a praxis for me, one that redefines how to relate to and care for others. This has helped me to become involved and active in challenging amatonormativity. For me, mitigating the negative impacts of amatonormativity isn’t just self-care but also doing things in a community. Participating in the aromantic community helps to reduce the negative impacts of being aromantic in a romance-focused society. My struggles feel less invisible, and it’s reassuring to know that there are people out there who relate. Enacting change also requires collective action and seeing the efforts that this community puts into advocacy and education and increasing visibility is inspiring and gives me hope. Amatonormativity is a force that threatens to take away our well-being, but we continue to create art, connections, knowledge, dreams, community. This is our resilience. We live in defiance of amatonormativity. Our very existence as aromantics in the face of amatonormativity is radical. Even if it’s hard and heartbreaking at times, I will continue daring to dream.
