where’d you go
*insert fort minor song* bwhahaha, i couldn’t help it.
so i know i don’t owe anyone an explanation over what i do with my life outside of the screen, but i do feel like it’s fair that i don’t appear like i am ghosting anyone, especially my loves. i want to be honest about this aspect about myself.
first off, i was busy november and early december because of school related deadlines but it’s all ogre now (sorry, i had to throw that in). second, i went to la for a bts concert and came back simping hard for my seven husbands...real hard...so hard....very much hard. in a moment of weakness, i created bts stan accounts while crying as i watched replays of the concert, which has consumed me. third....
in short: i am done with certain behaviors.
i kept feeding into toxic mindsets before but now, i don’t want to appease that sort of behavior anymore. i became consumed with making sure others are cared for before myself to the point where they believe they solely deserved it. as a result, i nearly lost all passion for anything of mine and nothing would come into fruition because said passion would go to protecting people’s ego to indicate their “worth”.
but that part of me is over and done with.
i would like to repeat this chant for myself: i am not responsible for making sure your ego is taken cared of. i am not a number for you to squeal over just to feel better about yourself. i am a person with feelings and ideas that would like the same respect that i give to you.
what i am trying to ultimately say is: people are not stepping stones for others to use in order to advance and i am learning the hard way of what it means to be a stepping stone. i am cutting this toxic cycle. i am not indulging in this any longer because it leads to a sense of superiority and warped sense of entitlement.
i want to move on from that part of me and start learning to love creating again. i have been silent on anything oc related in a while so please be kind and gentle as i slowly start to get the gears cranking again. recently, i have rediscovered what a babe andrew garfield is and whoops....clumsy me...an oc appeared and joined the pile. thank you rory for sparking something in me that i couldn’t help but give in to.
k.a.n. you deserve so much more than what i am, but the fact that you never gave up on me makes my grinch heart realize that you love me for me despite my shortcomings. you give me inspiration/hope/love/etc and i aspire to be great like you. how you do it effortlessly makes me love you even more. i am always appreciative and forever grateful to wake up every day to you and go to sleep to you.
here’s to moving forward with my recovery. it’s small steps of learning to love myself again, but i know that the group
p.s. time zones suck.
-gracy