I recognize that not a great number of people will read this but I suppose that shouldn't stop me from posting.
I feel like now's a good a time as any for me to write about some of the tunes on our new EP, "A Seafarer's Dream."
One of the tunes we did was "Find My Way" and lately, that's been the go-to song we practice at the poorly lit, beaten looking studio we practice at in Brooklyn. It's a song I wrote back in October of 2013 and it was really just something I wrote to help get me through the night and the shit I'd been going through.
I guess this is irrelevant if you don't have the lyrics. I've added them at the end of this post so please, feel free to revert to them at any point.
Ever reach that point in your life where you feel like everything is going wrong? And it's not just losing a significant other or family member or your job or watching your dream wither and die? Instead, it feels kinda like you're losing yourself too. Like you don't know who you are or where you belong or how you fit in to the world and events occurring around you? That's where I was at the night I wrote "Find My Way."
It was probably about 2:30 that night when I started drinking a Sam Adams Oktoberfest beer and felt like I'd been tired of feeling lost and out of place. I'd left the window opened in my living room and just sorta felt the cold breeze coming into the apartment. It felt kinda good. I thought about having the windows down while driving on a night like this. You feel the rush of wind on your face and for me, that just feels like freedom, despite how cold it can get.
I thought about how lost I'd been and how fed up I was with the state of mind I had. I remember thinking that I wanted a second chance to just get shit together and keep going. I wanted a chance to show myself, that I could overcome all the bad shit in my life and that I could keep pushing forward and accomplish the goals I had.
I know a lot of folks think the tune is about a woman I'm in love with and that the song is me heading out on the road to cover the distance that separates us. I won't say that I haven't just up and left Brooklyn to go see someone I care about or do something I feel I have to but I guess tonight, I'd like to clarify that "Find My Way" is not just about chasing after a girl.
The night I wrote it, I really felt like I'd lost everything because I'd lost myself. I had been criticized for not seeking a four year college degree. I'd been told that the woman I was with would leave me because who would want a guy in a rock band. A year before, I'd lost my grandmother. And in May that same year, I'd lost my niece and nephew. And to say I've got family issues would be a gross understatement.
That night, I'd been wondering what it meant to keep trying and what it was worth. I'd wondered if I should go back to school, if I should bother with a relationship allegedly doomed to end, a band that I was told would never stand a chance, and if I should carry hope that things in my family life would get better.
I remember thinking, "Fuck it." I remember the realization that I am not defined by what other people make me out to be and my future is not necessarily one they can write for me. I remember thinking about the freedom of driving down the road at night and not feeling the pressure other folks try to put on me. And I remember thinking, "I'll be damned if I don't try to make things work."
And that's what "Find My Way," is really all about. Yes, it references a woman.
And I chase your name, and I chase the sunrise
Important as she is, the woman is not the main theme of the song. The sunrise is the important part. A sunrise marks a new day. We have another chance every time the sun rises. And that's what I was seeking, another chance.
I couldn't feel any further from home
Well, isn't that just a miserable feeling? Anyone who's ever felt out of place I think would readily agree, few things feel worse.
Call out my name, I will find my way
Cause I'm not running from anything, anymore
I will chase the sun, I will knock on her door
Cause you're the only hope that I can hold on to
So I pray this road takes me home to you
The chorus is really about another chance and finding one's place in this world. I knew I wasn't heading in the right direction anymore because I really wasn't going anywhere. I'd sorta fallen and had yet to get back up and stand against all the things trying to keep me down. And writing that chorus was a way for me to say that I have to get back up on my feet. I have to try to set things right and I have to pursue the things I love- the chance I was longing for.
The second verse is really just a straightforward and honest take on what was going on at the time.
It's the bridge of the song that was my strongest affirmation, however.
A road lies ahead, already paved
But it resembles too much of some deadend grave
So I make my way with my faults and mistakes
But it will always be a path that I've made
Well, isn't that just what it means to go against what everyone thinks you should do? I made the decision I was not going back to school to live out someone else's dream and I was certainly not going to take any easy way out. I decided then that I'd break my back for the things I loved (the band especially) and hope that it would be enough. I also decided then that even if everything failed, at least I tried my hardest. At least I know I made the effort.
And while I'd addressed my other self doubts brought on by others, I'd yet to discuss the doubt in the woman I'd mentioned earlier.
I've caught the sunset in your eyes
And on your lips, I've kissed the sunrise
I'd seen many days and nights with this woman, and those are my sunsets. Finding a sunrise in her lips? That's finding another chance. That's finding hope. That's believing you can make it regardless of what others think or the amount of sunsets you've seen.
So to address the last chorus and finding my faith, that's exactly what I did that night. I found faith that things could work. Hope is not a horrible thing to have and I'll stick to my decisions, regardless of the outcome those who don't believe in me see. Because I'd rather try.
The song is hardly about the outcome so much as the opportunity. I'd had an opportunity to stick with the woman I was with and keep things going. I'd had the opportunity to stick with my band and keep us going. And I had faith that things would get better.
And frankly, I still do. And like I said earlier, I'll be damned if I don't try.
As promised, the lyrics to "Find My Way"
Autumn air stings my skin on a road bathed in night
And I chase your name and I chase the sunrise
Orange leaves paint the road
I couldn’t feel any further from home
Call out my name, I will find my way
Cause I’m not runnin’ from anything, anymore
I will chase the sun, I will knock on her door
Cause you’re the only hope that I can hold on to
So I pray this road takes me home to you
I roll the windows up against the cold
But a chill settles in and devours my bones
And in an empty house, curtains billow in the wind
I’ve forgotten where I belong and who I am
Call out my name, I’ll find my way
Cause I’m not runnin’ from anything, anymore
I will chase the sun, I will knock on her door
Cause you’re the only hope that I can hold on to
So I pray this road takes me home to you
A road lies ahead, already paved
But it resembles too much of some deadend grave
So I make my way with my faults and mistakes
But it will always be a path that I've made
I’ve caught the sunset in your eyes
And on your lips, I’ve kissed a sunrise
Cause I’m not runnin’ from anythin’ anymore
(Call out my name, I have found my faith)
I will chase the sun, I will knock on her door
(Call out my name, I will find my way)
And you’re the only hope that I can hold on to
(Call out my name, I have found my faith)
So I pray this road takes me home to you
(Call out my name, I will find my way)
Autumn air stings my skin on a road bathed in night
And I chase your name and I chase the sunrise
